93. Your Husband is like AI: Unspoken Expectations, Upbringing & “Fix-It Mode”

Hey Doc —

What if I told you your husband and AI have way more in common than you think?

Not in a “men are robots” way, but in a “this explains so much about your marriage” way.

In this episode, I’m breaking down the four big parallels between husbands and AI — the ones that quietly shape your communication, your expectations, and yes… your resentment. And listen, I love AI and I love husbands, so this episode is coming from a place of deep affection and deep realness.

We’re talking about the stuff we all experience but rarely say out loud:

• The mind-reading you wish he could do (but he absolutely cannot)
• The unspoken expectations that turn into premeditated resentments
• How his upbringing — just like AI training data — shapes everything
• Why he jumps straight into Fix-It Mode when you just wanted “Ugh babe, that sucks”
• And why you should be using (and leveraging) both AI and your husband way more than you are

If you've ever wondered “Why doesn’t he just KNOW?” or you’ve found yourself venting to him only to get a full strategic plan you didn’t ask for — this episode is for you.

Share this one with another physician mom who’s ready for more clarity, less resentment, and better communication in her marriage.

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Transcript

Hey Doc, do you know your husband and AI have a lot in common? Yes, they are very, very similar and I'm going to tell you all the ways that they are similar in this episode. And you know, I love AI and you know I love husbands, so I'm very excited to talk to you about this. Okay, so I did an AI episode before.

If you have not listened, definitely go back and check that one out. And in that episode I actually said. AI is like your husband. And the reason I said that was because of my first point the AI cannot read your mind and neither can your husband. So that is the first way that your husband is like ai.

And I think this is really important, doc, because a lot of us move and I say us on purpose, you know, I'm not judging. I had to work through this myself. A lot of us move through our lives. Like if our husbands are supposed to know what we are thinking, what we want, what we need, what we expect, and it is a setup for disappointment.

Resentment. Actually, one of my clients, my former clients, send me a quote and was like, oh my gosh, this made me think of you and I'm gonna read it. It says, unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. Let me give you that one again. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments, and that is what we are doing when we assume that our husband knows exactly what we want and what we expect without being explicit.

We are setting ourselves up for resentment, and we know resentment is a waste of time. It is not just a waste of time. It's actually dangerous for you. It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die as the saying goes. So. We need to be more explicit with the things that we want, the things that we expect.

Because expecting your husband or anybody really to know what's on your mind, to know how you like things done, no matter how long they have known you, no matter how many hints you have dropped, is really unfair and unrealistic.

Because the reality is that most people, even your loving husband is thinking about themselves and they're not thinking about you. They're not checking for you, the fact that. You think about everybody else, your husband, your patients, your kids, your parents. You think about their needs all the time.

You anticipate what you want. You were socialized, you were trained, you were raised to do that. In general, men were not, and we can't go back and change that. You married who you married, right? You were raised how you were raised, but you all can work through it together. And also, just as a caveat that I feel like I don't have to say, I'm not saying he doesn't have work to do. I'm not saying he doesn't need to pay more attention or none of that. This is about you and the things that you can do while you are both working towards an all in partnership with elite levels of communication, right?

So be explicit. Don't drop hints. Say, this is exactly what I want, this is why I want it, this is how I want things done. And of course, the way that you do that is very important, but that's beyond the scope of this episode. Be explicit. And in that same vein, another reason why it is really unfair to expect anybody to anticipate your needs is because a lot of times we don't even know what our needs are.

And I had this happen to me in one of my coaching sessions with my relationship coach, who's also my coaching mentor. We were talking about how my husband was not meeting my needs and. She was like, okay, well what do you need? And I could not answer. And it was like, oh, I was so upset about him not knowing and me not feeling great, me not getting attention, that I hadn't actually taken the time to figure out.

What I actually needed. So like say he was paying attention and he were to ask me, okay, well, what do you need? I had no answer. It's really not realistic and it's really unfair. So just be explicit.

Another way your husband is like AI is that he is a product of his upbringing, which I mentioned previously in the reasons you should be explicit because he wasn't raised, anticipate needs and things like that. But these AI programs like Chat, GBT, they are coming from the context of. Uh, nerdy. Probably straight white man.

And I've heard stories where people like, they try to generate an image of a little black girl that's happy and just got out of the pool and the AI could not, or would not generate a real image. It was only like this cartoon. But if They asked for a little white girl that was the only difference was the ethnicity.

Then it was able to generate a real image, and I'm sure there are countless other stories like that. I know I have a couple of my own, where the context matters, like the person that created the ai. Matters in how it was trained, the things that it says, the way that it thinks. If it is a generative ai, and it's the same with your husband, so more game for those who are not yet married and don't yet have kids, don't sleep on the upbringing.

It is very important Way the family dynamic was The thoughts about men and women's roles in the home, the thoughts about outsourcing and hiring, help, education, finances. Oh my gosh. Finances. Finances. The number of people that have money issues steeped in how they were raise men and women, but definitely these men who, if they are very traditional, expect to be the financial head of the household and all this other stuff. So it definitely affects heteronormative relationships a lot more.

But all of that stuff is very, very important. So when you're like, why do you think this way? Why this doesn't make any sense. Look back at the upbringing. C, does this guy need to be in therapy? Do you? It is definitely something to look at and not ignore

because it will have an effect on your relationship and your marriage.

Another way that your husband is like AI is that sometimes the AI. He tries to give you solutions that you didn't ask for. Like I would ask Chachi, BT to give me an outline for a 5-year-old who is homeschooling. All of a sudden I have a 10 year plan to get him on track to go to Harvard. I'm like, I didn't ask you for any of that.

Like, what are we talking about here? So I feel like a lot of men. Their default is, okay, you're bringing a complaint to me. I am going to give you a solution. The whole venting thing, they're not really used to it, so you may come saying. I wanna talk to you about this. Tell him all these things. Tell him about your office manager and how unfair they were being.

And all you're looking for is some empathy. You are looking for him to agree with you and rile you up because that office manager is not treating you right and all this stuff. And he is already telling you about, you know, going to the company bylaws to see if she's really allowed to do that. And you should escalate it to here, here, here.

And , it's just like, wait, wait, wait. I didn't ask for all that. I didn't ask for all this problem solving, like I just wanted you to listen to me event.

And just like with JG, bt. You really need to articulate to your husband, Hey, that's not what I want right now. Like, I want this very specific thing from you. I don't want all this other, all these other plans and all these other, solutions that you have to, to offer me. And that goes right back to being in touch with what you actually need and what you want.

Um, because if you don't know, then you, you can't even articulate that to guide them. You know, back to where you need to be. So being clear on what you need and also what you want out of the conversation before you start it is really important.

We have adopted this and we are not perfect at it, but when either of us starts talking about something, we'll say, this is event. Or if I realize the conversation is going left where I am venting and my husband starts problem solving, I'll be like. Please. This is like, I don't want the solution right now.

I just want you to be like, oh, babe, that sucks. He'll be like, okay. Oh babe, that sucks. Um, because yeah, sometimes that's, you are not trying to hear all that. Like, I, if I wanted a solution, I would ask for it, you know? So it's very, very similar. And you see there's a, there's a running theme, right? Starts off with knowing yourself, knowing what you want, knowing your needs, and knowing that before you start talking, before you start interacting.

Because I don't think we realize how many times our internal state before we start interacting with our husbands, dictates how the conversation goes. And again, I am not excusing bad behavior. Yes, he probably said something insensitive. He's probably, you know. Being a bit of an a-hole, , he has his own growth to do all of those things can be true, and it can also be true that you have areas to improve on, to set yourself up for success in these conversations.

so the last way that your husband is like AI is that. You should be using it more. Everybody should be leveraging AI way more, and yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's spreading disinformation. Yes. The data centers are destroying communities, and I'm not excusing those things. I'm not saying that it's okay. What I am saying is that AI is here to stay and.

You will be left behind if you're not leveraging it, because I don't actually believe, at least not anytime soon, that it is a real threat to all jobs being gone and nobody's gonna, we're all gonna be put out of a job by ai. We are not there soon. I don't think, even think in our lifetime, maybe I'm wrong, whatever.

What I do think is that the people who know how to leverage it, those are the people that are going to make it very difficult for everybody else too. Exist and the people who don't leverage it are going to be the ones left behind. And it's the same with your husband. Use him. He is right there. He is numero uno in your village and can be leaned on more for support, for childcare, for emotional labor, for all of the things that you are currently doing on your own.

Because it's, those kids have his responsibility and y'all are married, and I'm assuming you plan to stay that way. So use him, accept whatever the result is that you get. And if there is work to be done because he refuses to be used, then get that help or get out, get out of the marriage. Like I, I don't really understand the.

I clearly dislike this person. I don't respect this person, but I'll also stay married to this person for the kids. Like I really no shade to anybody who's in that right now, but actually shade because you deserve better than that. Like what kind of life is that, you know? Um, and of course there are complex situations that have a lot of layers, but when it comes down to it, this is your life

so if it is really that bad and there's no way to work on things and he cannot be leveraged and you know, none of this applies to you what are you doing? Get out of there. But I'm assuming that that's not you, doc who's listening. I am assuming that there is love there. They are strong bones. There is connection. There may be a little bit of miscommunication, there may be a little bit of resentment. And that's who all of this is for.

You're not gonna get a lot of this type of conversation out in the wild. Nobody's trying to improve women's communication with their husbands. The general consensus is. We are doing too much. Let him do something. Let him fix the marriage. Let him fi fix the communication.

You are not gonna get that here because that makes no fucking sense. Like y'all are in a relationship together. You both have to do things. You are both responsible. You both have to take responsibility for yourselves. So none of what I'm saying is excusing growth and learning on your husband's side. It's just let's be all the way for real, doc. Are you really doing the best in your communication, in your behavior?

Have you really shed all of the conditioning that you have had to make this relationship and this marriage be what you want it to be? Have you only you can answer that. And if you have this no judgment. This is a no judgment zone. This is a self-improvement zone. This is, and not just for the sake of self-improvement.

'cause I'm a coach and I like to say that shit, it's so you can be happy. It is always so that you can be happy, you can be loved, and you can be intimate and you can be pleasured and you can have a true partner who is actually supporting you and. Who sees you and who understands you better. That's what it's all about.

That's why I talk about husband so much and 'cause why be, why be unhappy? This person's in your face all the time. Okay, so those are all the ways. That your husband is like ai, and if you could think of any other ways, please let me know. I'm very intrigued. I'm sure there are other ways that I haven't thought about,

so just remember he can't read your mind. He's a product of his upbringing of the people who created him. He's probably more focused on problem solving than. Just venting and chatting about things and he needs to be leveraged a lot more. Alright, so I want you to share this episode with another physician mom who just would like to understand her husband a little bit more, who would like to have a little bit better communication, a little bit less resentment, just share it with her.

And let me know what you think about all of this, and. If it helped you communicate better with your husband, I truly want to know. Email me at hello@drdoyacoaching.com. Send me a dm. I wanna know because aI is the best and so is your husband.

Alright, I will see you doc on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Sures.