96. How to Ask for What You Want at Work

Hey Doc

If you’ve ever left a meeting with leadership thinking, “Why did I even bother?” I’ve been there.

Vague emails. Rambling explanations. Trying to be heard and ending up dismissed.

This episode is about doing it differently. With clarity. With strategy. And without bending over backwards to be “nice” about it.

You’ll learn:

• How to prep before the ask (so you’re not just venting)
• What to focus on depending on who you’re talking to
• The difference between making a request vs. negotiating
• How to frame your ask so it actually gets traction
• And why empathy for your boss doesn’t mean you give up your ask

This isn’t about playing politics.

It’s about getting what you need without second-guessing your right to ask — whether it’s your schedule, your inbox load, or the support that makes your job sustainable.

✨Want a quick step-by-step summary to prep for your next meeting or email?

Download my free guide: How to Ask for What You Want at Work.

You’ll get the exact questions I use with clients to help you clarify your ask, prep with strategy, and show up with confidence.

🎧 Listen to the full episode — especially if you’ve got a meeting on your calendar and no idea where to start.

Subscribe to ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨ on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode.

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Transcript

 Hey Doc, 

I wanna talk about how to approach leadership with a request,  and this could be either. In the form of an email or in a meeting because there's a very particular way to do it to be effective. And it is honestly the way that I wish that I knew when I was still employed, because I definitely didn't do this and my emails were definitely not effective.

 And I see this a lot with my clients now, and so I wanted to go through the things that I recommend. To make these meetings and these emails more effective and most importantly, to get you what you actually want.  So I had a lot of issues at that job, which obviously is why I left. so I sent a lot of emails. I had a lot of meetings with different people and when I think back the emails were paragraphs and paragraphs long. The intent of the email was not clear. It's, it read like a vent. When I think back to those emails, and I think.

That is where a lot of us can use some improvement the intention of these communications are not clear to us, to ourselves before we start, and then the formatting of the email or the communication. doesn't make it any better because the focus is all over the place.

So the message gets lost and you leave these meetings or you get a response that just feels like they don't understand, they don't care, and you end up feeling a lot worse than when you started. 

And I could think of many times where I was complaining about a ma who took 45 minutes to take her blood pressure, didn't think to come and tell me that the patient's blood pressure was 180 over something else, and details are not important, but there was several of those.

Where the response that I got just left me feeling like, oh, well y'all really don't give a shit about me and you don't give a shit about the patients. 'cause all of this stuff is affecting patient care. But when I look back, all of those things were true, but also the way that I was communicating was not effective.

So that's why I want to go through this because I still see it with my clients a lot and luckily they have me, And they have the, the me that I didn't have back then.  So I want you to have me in this way as well,  so that your communication to leadership when you're making any kind of request, is more effective.

And being sure that you are actually making a request. And it's not just venting, because let me tell you, your leadership does not wanna hear venting. They want solutions. They want a question to be answered. And I think that's an important differentiator, right? You want to make everybody's lives easier, and not because they're a great person, not because you're trying to people please, but because of empathy, Your leadership, especially if they're in a dysfunctional system, they're probably feeling their own types of pressure.

And they are probably just as unsupported as you are. They may also be terrible people. They may be wholly unqualified. None of that is excusing any of it. It's just. Bringing a different perspective and likely a reality to the forefront so that things aren't taken quite as personal. And also you can, again, be more effective in your communication because if you acknowledge that this person is under a ton of stress, if you acknowledge that they're probably getting emails and requests for meetings from all sorts of different people.

Your partners, everybody, and having to deal with each and every one of those people. it may soften you a bit, it may ease this sting, and most importantly, it will cause you to be more effective in your communication so that. Your communication, your email, your meeting is the one that stands out and the one that gets honored because they feel relieved.

Like it was a pleasure to interact with you even if it was a difficult topic, because you're gonna follow these steps that I am going to lay out for you. So I'm sure it is a not a surprise to you that I'm gonna start with prep before the communication. This is not a step by step about what to say. This is how you prepare beforehand

so step one is to determine your intention for this meeting. And I'm gonna say meeting, but I do mean email communication or meeting, right? You are asking for this meeting because you want. A schedule change. You are asking for this meeting because you want a different ma. Because you want a scribe or you want one of the nurse practitioners to commit to working in your inbox. What is your intention and.  If your intention is to vent, then maybe reconsider calling this meeting and it may sound funny and like, oh, well why would I ask for a meeting to vent?

I've spoken to a lot of people where that is exactly what, they actually just had a strategy call with a doc who had already scheduled the meeting To discuss her future at the hospital because she felt like she was being attacked. She was an O-B-G-Y-N and had what I thought were very normal complications of being a pregnant person, but she was being written up for all of them and she didn't feel supported, and she saw that her colleagues were making the same.

 Not mistakes, but having the same outcomes, and they were getting treated differently. So she called a meeting with her chair. And when I asked her, I was like, what is the purpose for this meeting? And she was like, she just wants him to know what she's been through. And I was like, girl, I get it. I get wanting to feel validated and feel seen and to just. Tell your story. I was like, tell me like I understand what you're going through, but calling a meeting with your chair to basically tell him how he has failed because he's a leader. So if he's allowing these things to happen, then.

It's on him and he may respond that way. I was like, I don't know what type of relationship y'all have, but I don't see this meeting going well. And of course there were some other things we discussed, but by the end of the session she was like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna cancel that meeting.  And that was actually.

the impetus for me recording this episode, because having your intention be super clear before you go into the meeting is really helpful. And being honest with yourself.  Do you have an actual intention? Do you have a goal, an outcome that you want, or do you just wanna be heard? There's nothing wrong with that, but be very careful,

So once you have the intention for the meeting, you want to know what your ideal outcome is, so it's not just, oh, I want a different call schedule. What actually do you want? I just did this with one of my clients, so the call schedule is untenable.

The hospital is crazy busy. It is actually unsafe, and she cannot do it anymore. The schedule needs to change, but We actually went through what the ideal schedule would look like, and it's important to not just think what they will let me do. That is a natural tendency, right?

It's just like, well, if I offer to do call on Sundays, then they would be okay with that because they usually have trouble covering Sundays. But I really don't wanna go on Sundays because I go to church every Sunday and it's really important to me. So then why are you suggesting that? You want to figure out what your ideal schedule is, what is your ideal outcome?

Be clear and be specific details that's gonna help in the other steps. What exactly do you want help with? Do you want the nurse practitioners to check your inbox every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, clear out all the normal values, and then tell you if they see something that's extremely abnormal by the next business day?

Whatever it is. Of course. I just made that up. Whatever it is, be very. Particular, be very explicit and have it be the ideal. Because if you start negotiating with yourself, you're gonna get even less than what you actually want, so once you have the ideal, you can say, okay, well now that I know what will be perfect, what am I willing to compromise on? What am I non-negotiables, If you say, I will not do 72 hour call, then that's what it is. If you're saying, I'm not doing nights anymore, then that's what it is, But you decide those things beforehand. What do you require to feel satisfied? What are you willing to give a little bit on? All of that is super important to decide before you even call this meeting. Or before you send that email.

So. If you want a schedule change, then be clear that getting a schedule change is the main thing that you're going to discuss. It is the number one thing. You're gonna start there because if you discuss the way that the MA spoke to you, the fact that she was two hours late, the fact that the office manager did nothing.

And that you also need a schedule change. You can get caught up in all of those things and not get to the main issue that you want, and you leave that meeting feeling defeated, feeling like your time was wasted and you didn't achieve your goal, right? So be clear. Make it one that is tangible, that is realistic. Realistic within asterisk. Because there are things that people will say are not realistic, but it's because they don't want to explore it, right? So like, getting an extra doc to help you on the floor. Oh, we can't do that. Like, where are we gonna find people? We have the, the position open. Nobody's applying.

You can get locums. It is quite easy. If a car hit me tomorrow, you will find coverage for this call somehow. So. There's a difference right between something that is completely unrealistic if you're coming in, suggesting that you fire all the Maybe don't suggest that, but there are.

Options that may be uncomfortable, they may be difficult, but they're very realistic. 

And if you do have multiple things that you want to discuss, rank them.

What is the most important thing that is gonna get me the outcome? That is gonna be the most significant for me? I am drowning in this role. There are a ton of things wrong. This office is inefficient, but if I could only get one thing, what would that be? And that's what you're focusing on. That's what you wanna start with in case this meeting goes left and you don't get to discuss anything else.

Or even if it doesn't go left, if your leadership person is on call and they get a call and they have to go, what would you be so glad that you started off discussing. That would make the greatest impact focus there. And if you have time, you could address the other things, or better yet, have separate meetings for them because you also don't want it to be like an overwhelming thing that you're coming to them with,

The next step is to consider what is your relationship with this person? Who is this person, you know, are they a friendly, Are they empathetic? Do they actually care? Have they given you signs in the past that they will be compassionate, they would empathize with your situation, they will actually be helpful.

Or are they an asshole? are they. Really bad leaders, do they smile and talk a good game, but then do nothing

Also I would hate for you to mix up a genial relationship with a friendship, because if that's your national personality, where you're friendly with people, or if you and this person have. For some reason, develop something that is close to a friendship when you're coming to them as a leader to request something, especially something that may be a little contentious, something that may cause them stress.

You're trying to change your call schedule. You're trying to go down on your hours. They may switch up on you real quick. It's like, friend who, I don't know you, you are causing me a problem right now. And so it is very important to. Keep it professional and to not get confused and not let the previous relationship cloud how you approach the situation.

You can definitely be aware of it. You can use it to your benefits, but don't get comfortable because you never know how people may turn. You never know how they separate your relationship in their mind. You just don't know. So. Being aware of all of that is really important before you go in for this meeting.

So you need to be clear with the intention, clear with the outcome, and clear on your relationship and who this person is, because who that person is is gonna determine how you approach them to get the outcome that you've already decided that you want.

And so the next step is to figure out what they want, what would make their lives easier, and this is not about people pleasing. That's not what this is about. This is about negotiation because every ask is a negotiation, and if you are coming to your leadership with a problem, you wanna come with a solution. And a solution that benefits them is gonna be a solution that they agree to faster.

And I wanna be very clear. It's not bending what you need and what you think you deserve to fit what they will agree to. That's not what this is. This is being aware of the person that you are negotiating with. You know what type of person they are, you know what type of relationship you have with them.

You know the things that will make their lives easier, the things that will benefit the organization, the things that will benefit the practice. And you know what you want so how can I present what I want in a way that will satisfy what they want?

How can I make this a win-win? And. It is often easier than we think to do that because what everybody in leadership wants is to be fully staffed, is to not have to deal with people not being at work, people doing their job. They just want to make their lives easier as you would want if you were in leadership as well.

So if you don't get what you want, you will leave. And I'm, I'm not saying to threaten them with leaving. I'm saying map it all the way out. If you are asking for a schedule change because you're burnt out because you're on call too much, and it's super busy and it's unsafe, you are eventually gonna burn out and you're eventually gonna leave.

That is gonna leave a huge gap of coverage, worse than it is right now. So having it in your mind that what you are asking for is not something that you need because you are incompetent or you can't handle the stress this is what I need for longevity, for sustainability in this career, to continue in this job and so that you don't have more staffing issues, leadership person, so you don't have a gap in the call schedule.

So you don't have more unseen patients in the office. That's what I mean by what do they want, what are their current stressor and how can whatever it is you're asking for, satisfy that or prevent it from getting worse. All of those, uh, things that you wanna think about before you go into this meeting, and it will determine how you speak and how you present your ask.

So now that you know what your intention is, what your ideal outcome is, what you are willing to compromise on, you've reviewed your relationship with this person, the type of person that they are in general, know what their pain points are, you know, what would make their life easier, what are the things they're struggling with? and now 

You are prepping for what you're actually going to say in this meeting, and

how you choose to present? It depends on everything else that we talked about before. Particularly your relationship and the pain points, Because there are two different ways that you can approach this. You can focus on yourself and your needs and how you need things to change, and that can be done.

In a way that is effective and doesn't leave you seeming or feeling like needy or incompetent, there's a way to do that. But I'm gonna assume that your leadership person is like most, and that that will be ineffective for them. And I'm gonna assume that you don't have a relationship where that would make sense, right?

So you want to focus on how what you're asking for will benefit them and how it can be a win-win. Your attention is going to be out on them and

keeping that in mind as you are practicing what you're going to say, because yes, you should practice what you're gonna say and keep it in your mind before. you write the email is really important because it's a natural thing, especially if you are really burnt out, to go in towards yourself and focus on how badly you feel, how taken advantage of you feel,

how disrespected, disregarded, unsupported you feel, and your feelings are valid. They're just not useful in this situation. So you want to keep your attention on the person that you're talking to, the person that you're emailing,

 So if the request is that you no longer want to do nights, this is how you can approach that.

The hospital has been having a lot of staffing issues and. I want to make sure that we continue to have the coverage that we need, and I had this idea about hiring a per diem doc. I have somebody who's available and she would increase the.

Coverage in the hospital and it'll put a lot of us employee docs back in the office so that we can generate more RVs and make the practice more profitable. And

she doesn't mind doing nights so there will be no lack of nights coverage by me no longer doing nights, and I can still be a profitable member of the practice by working more during the day and making sure there's coverage for the hospital. And if it's true for you, definitely say that they're at risk of losing you, and then they're definitely gonna have staffing problems, Your request is going to be of benefit to everyone.

And the the last thing that you are. Going to be focusing on as you practice before you go into this meeting , is to actually keep your attention on them. Because you may start off talking about their pain points, how it's gonna benefit them, how it's gonna benefit the office, the hospital system.

But it's really easy to slip back into. Well, this is, this is what I need because I need to get home to my kids and I need to be able to take care of my ailing parent. and while those things are important, they're significant, and there's nothing wrong with an empathetic leader knowing the family challenges that you have.

You've already decided you've done the pre-work and decided that that's not the best approach for this person. So. You don't want to slip in and out of attention on them, and then attention on your issues because it's confusing and it takes away from everything that you would've said before, so it's really important to keep it focused. And I, hesitate to say keep it professional because I don't think it's unprofessional to talk about how your work is affecting your life or how your life is affecting your work.

That's real life and calling that unprofessional is part of why we are in this situation that we're in right now with the complete. Disregard for our lives as women and as mothers and how it affects the work where it's like unprofessional to talk about these things, but it's also unrealistic to not talk about them, to not consider how we carry this double burden.

Right? So it's, it's not a professionalism thing, it's, but it is a negotiation thing. So keep the focus on one place, either all on them. Or if you wanna go that way, all on you, and that's a whole other topic. They're both valid, but not going back and forth because your message, whatever it is, is gonna get diluted, So once you've done all those things, you are ready. You are ready for your meeting, you're ready to send your email and get what you want. So to go over these steps again, you are going to sit down and decide what is your goal for this meeting? What do you want the outcome to be? If you have multiple issues, what is the top one that you, if you have five minutes, if the person got called away, if the conversation

gets derailed, you'll be like, oh, I'm so glad I started with this. What is that one thing? Making sure that you have that clear and then you order the other things in priority and decide if you really wanna discuss all those things in one meeting or if they should be separate. You wanna spend a good amount of time figuring out what your ideal is. If somebody waved a magic wand, if you had the best lead in the world, all the resources, and they said, yes, whatever you want, doc, what would that look like? What are your non-negotiables? What are the things that you're willing to to change and bend on Once you've decided all that you're gonna reflect on?

The person that you are approaching, what type of person are they? What type of leader are they? What is your relationship with them? How are they going to take this information? You have to be aware, and that's gonna determine how you approach them, what time, in what way? All of that. And in knowing that you're gonna decide, am I going to focus on myself and how these issues are affecting me?

Or am I gonna keep it real, quote unquote professional and have my attention on them and their needs, and how it will benefit them? Which again, for the purposes of this episode, was the default, You're gonna focus on. How it's gonna be packaged and presented so that it appears to be a win-win, or that it truly is a win-win?

Either one, and then you are going to practice what you're gonna say and practice having your attention out on them and keeping it there and not switching. Between them, their needs, their benefits, and your needs, your issues, your benefits. Choose one and go with it. And one thing that I just assumed would be the case, but I am gonna mention.

Is that when you're thinking about the relationship and with the leader that you're gonna speak to, making sure that that person is the person who makes the decisions. Don't waste your time sending emails and doing all this work for somebody who's gonna be like, yeah, totally, but go talk to this other person.

Make sure you know who's actually the decision maker, and that is the person that you are going to evaluate and say, okay, yes, I know my relationship. I know this person. I know what type of leader they are. I know their pain points, all of that. Talk to the decision maker, talk to the boss. You don't wanna waste all of this prep and energy on the wrong person.

And it's fine if you don't know, and you do all this and it ends up being somebody else. But make the effort to find out, ask around, do some digging about who's the person that's actually gonna be able to affect this change. you want to make sure that you get to that person and that you prep to speak to that person.

Okay? You are ready, doc. You're ready. Go get 'em. Go get what you want in a clear, effective way, and this is one of my favorite things to do, negotiation, because yes, we are talking about you asking for schedule change. You asking for a scribe or for your MA to be not terrible, but every ask is a negotiation.

And this is the type of work that I do with my clients all the time to prep beforehand. I don't think we focus enough on the prep, and that's why these meetings kind of just like fall apart, or we go in to have a vent session and you come out wondering, you know, what has happened? Why do I feel worse?

I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to waste your time. I don't want you to waste your emotional energy on a meeting like that. So if you want to practice this, you want to strategize, schedule a strategy coaching session, we will come up with exactly what you need to do, how you need to focus the order in which you can rank the asks that you have. If you have more than one how to approach it, how to formulate your win-win, we will, we'll get you right girl and get you what you want outta that meeting. So go to my website, dr toya coaching.com/coaching. The link is also in the show notes and in all of my bios and schedule a strategy coaching session. So that you can go into that meeting with clarity, with agency, knowing that, oh yeah, I'm gonna get what I want. Or like the doctor that I spoke to, recently. You are gonna maybe say, okay, well maybe I need to cancel this meeting because my intention, was all off.

And it's actually not gonna be helpful. And once you go through these steps, be like, okay, yeah, now I'm ready. So I am here to help you with it. You do not have to figure all this stuff out on your own. This is not things that we are taught about and this definitely. Roadmap that I wish I had when I was wasting my time sending all those useless emails and having those useless meetings and just feeling so defeated, so, so defeated, coming out of it just like, wow, I really don't mean anything to y'all.

You do not care for shit about me. It was the worst feeling, and I don't want that for you. I went through it. So you don't have to, okay. Share this episode with another physician mom who is gearing up for an ask who is calling a meeting with her leadership right now, and just feels like she's lost. Send it to her. because I want her to have the most effective meeting and get what she wants. So send this episode. and I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers. Bye.