103. Teach Your Sons How To Treat You: Your Actions are the Curriculum

Hey Doc —

If you got sick tomorrow, would your family know how to care for you?

Would your partner step up?

Would your kids know what to do?

Or would you be left watching everyone wait for you to get better, so you can get back to doing everything again?

This episode is about the stories we tell ourselves about being “needed” and the quiet ways we teach our families to expect us to do it all. It’s not just about being unsupported in the moment, it’s about a pattern we’ve set over years of overfunctioning. And I’ll talk about where that pattern starts, how it plays out, and most importantly, how to change it.

I’m breaking down:

• Why being mad at your partner isn’t the full picture
• How gender roles show up in your house even when you don’t believe in them
• What your children are learning from the way you live not just what you say
• And the questions I want every woman physician to ask about the example she’s setting

Whether you have sons, daughters, toddlers, or teens — this one’s for you.

Not to shame.

To wake you up.

Because what you’re modeling right now, becomes their norm later.

🎧 Listen to the full episode now!

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Transcript

 Hey, doc, you know that saying, don't let a good crisis go to waste. I think it is a profound saying on so many levels, but especially for us as physician mothers. And let me tell you why.  When I think about why I started Dr. Doya coaching that event, it was a crisis.

Me having my postpartum burnout, wanting to. Leave my beautiful children and my husband and go off to Mexico on my own. That situation was a crisis, and out of it came. This came, this podcast came. Transformational coaching came many, many, many lives changed physician moms empowered and supported, and cared for.

I did not let that crisis go to waste so let me tell you what I'm actually talking about. I saw this post in one of our Facebook groups that I had to do a double take because I was like, I'm pretty sure I saw this exact same post in another group like months ago. And I knew, I was like, no, well this can't be the same group.

It was completely different demographics, still women physicians, but. Definitely two different groups, but it was exactly the same. It was a physician mom who had two teenage sons and a husband. The mom had gotten sick and she was livid about how she was being treated by her sons and by her husband, and.

The expectations that they had, that she would still continue to function in her capacity as mom who does everything that she was still expected to cook, she was still expected to clean, to support everybody else, to make sure that everybody was fine, nobody was taking care of her. They went and they got food for themselves.

Didn't ask her, what she wanted, all of these things, and she was so upset at her husband because he did not teach. Their sons about how to treat a woman and how to treat her, and I was just like, wow, this the same post that I saw all those months ago and the comments were quite similar, you know, oh, your husband should taught them this sucks.

I'm so sorry. And as usual, I have a little bit of a different take. So yes, those men should have taught their sons about how to care for their mom, how to care for a woman, and there is no excusing that. But what I think is the bigger issue, and it was the issue with me and my burnout, is that more than likely. That doc was not teaching her entire family, husband and sons included about how to treat her. She was teaching them by example that she needs no one. She does everything.

It is her responsibility to cook, clean support, answer every question, be everywhere, and doing it all

at her own expense, her actions outside of this illness completely supported how they continue to treat her in the context of this illness. Because if for 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 years, your sons are seeing you operate this way, even chances are you've been sick before and continued to over-function. continued to sacrifice yourself.

If they are seeing you be this person, why would they think this is any different? If your husband is used to you doing everything regardless of the time, your state, your energy level, why would he do anything different? You have been teaching them about how to treat you just like I was, I was. Pretending like everything was fine.

Ignoring my physical and emotional pain, doing social media, doing in-person speaking events. I was teaching my family how I needed to be treated. I was saying, Hey, I'm good. I got it. So yes, you can be very upset. You are justified. Your feelings are justified, but I don't want you to let this crisis go to .

Waste. Let this period of illness be the wake up call that you need to change how things run in your house, to change your behavior, to set new expectations for you and your family about what their responsibilities are, and most importantly, How you want to be treated, how you want to be cared for, because something else that was significant in that post was that she said, I talk to my sons all the time about how to treat women on dates.

You can talk to your children all you want. They will hear you. They may even listen, but what they will internalize, what they will embody. Is what they see you doing. So if they see you and your interaction with your husband as one where you are not cared for, where you do everything, then that's how they, they're gonna think, well, yeah, this is how, this is how I treat women.

This is definitely how I treat my mother, and this is how I expect when I marry a woman that I will treat her. This is the dynamic that I expect they are going to do what you are doing. So talking to them is not enough. You need to walk the walk. And I'm focusing on sons because these two identical posts in two different groups months apart, were about teenage sons and husband.

But this is significant for younger sons and it's significant for if you have daughters as well. So taking the younger sons. I have a client right now who is in a very traditional marriage when it comes to gender roles and has a young son, and what we are working on now is not only how to navigate these traditional ideals living a very modern life between her and her husband, but her own.

Traditional ideals that are playing into the situation and conditioning her son because she will say things like, oh, well my son was doing that thing that all boys do, and not clean up after himself. And I was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that a boy thing or is that a toddler thing? Like there's so many things that we internalize that we believe.

That puts us in these situations in the first place to marry these men and tolerate these situations, but then also to continue to perpetuate it for our sons. So I can see that this post is the future of my client if she doesn't intentionally change the way that she speaks about her son, the way that she treats him and the things that she expects of him based on.

The way that she was raised and so it's not just if you have teenage sons, right? It starts from young. I always say this time when the kids are young, you are setting the foundation for motherhood ahead.

It is almost impossible for you to. Be completely self-sacrificial to completely over-function when they're young, because they're young because they need you. And then all of a sudden when they're like six years old, you're like, okay, I'm done. Now everybody, everybody's gonna support me. They're all gonna help around the house.

That's usually not how it works. The smaller kids need you a lot and they continue to need you just in different ways. And if this is how you are. Carrying yourself when they are young. If you are continuing to perpetuate those stereotypes and gender norms when they're young, they will just continue as they grow.

And you may end up in a situation just like this doc with sons who don't know how to, don't care to really care for their mother. And I don't believe that they didn't care. I just think that they didn't know. They didn't know.

If you listen to this and you're like, oh shit, she's talking about me. I'm in that situation right now where I think if I get sick, my children are just gonna ignore me. They're gonna think that I got it. Or I have a young son and I am putting a whole lot of gender norms on him that I don't even believe in,

also, if you have a daughter, don't think you've escaped. ' cause , you could be saying, oh, well, my daughter would never do that. My teenage daughter would definitely come and take care of me, and she'll cook and she'll do all the things to help me. And I wanna challenge you. Ask yourself why is that?

If you have a daughter and a son and you know that your daughter will take care of you, this would never happen with her. But you're not too sure about your son. Why is that? Is it because you are socializing her to also be a caretaker? To also look and anticipate everybody's needs ahead of her own?

Because those are the same beliefs that got these docs in trouble. It's just that you happen to have a daughter. If you tell me, Dr. Toya, both my children would care for me, this is irrelevant. I love that for you. Excellent. I just want you to take a good look and not just write this off as irrelevant for you because you have a girl.

Because again. If we want to change these cultures and break these cycles, we have to look at the things that we believe, how we are functioning, and what we are passing on to our children, and I think is even more significant to model for our daughters because if your daughter is seeing you, seeing you do everything for everyone, seeing you not take care of yourself, seeing you cook clean, seeing you do everything in the home without any support.

She's gonna think, well, yeah, this is, this is how it is. This is what marriage is. Even if you tell her. Don't ever get a man who expects you to be pregnant and barefoot and doesn't respect your dreams, and doesn't respect your career. You could tell her anything that you want. Doc, like I said before, she's going to hear you.

She may even listen, but she is going to pay attention to what you are actually doing and say, well, this is the actual reality. And that can go one of two ways. She can either say, well, yeah, this is, this is what I'm gonna do. This is how I'm gonna be. I am going to be the person who is the caretaker, who is the over-functioner.

This is what motherhood is. I'm all for it. I'm training. Or she's going to say, I am not doing this I will never get married. I will never have children. And that is heartbreaking too. Are you living a life that your daughter will look at and say, there is no way in hell I'm doing that. And if that's the case, how does that make you feel?

Do you want to make a change? Do you want to model a more balanced, more supported. More peaceful life and show your daughter what is possible in a modern marriage with people who have evolved values and beliefs. So yes, this entire story started about a doc with two teenage sons and a husband, but it is relevant for all of us because we are not going to let their crisis go to waste.

Just like I didn't let my crisis go to waste, and that's why I have this podcast. That's why I tell my stories and that's why I bring these stories to you because I have gone through it. Those docs are currently going through it. We have these experiences so that you can learn from them and you don't have to go through them yourself, but only if you're ready to learn from them.

Only if you're ready to take a step back and evaluate. Is this. Is this relevant for me? And not just be like, uh, Dr is know what she's talking about. That's not me. I'm good. really ask yourself, am I happy with the example that I am setting for my children? If I got deathly ill tomorrow, would my teenage children know how to care for me?

Would my husband know what I needed? Would he know how to run this house if in the future I got deathly ill, am I raising the toddler right now that would know how to feed themselves, how to care for me?

Am I living a life right now that my daughter would want to emulate? That I would be proud if she lived exactly like this? If my daughter got married and had a relationship just like I had, would I be happy? Ask yourself all of these questions, and if you're not happy with the answer, it is time to make a change doc and it is not too late.

You can do it, and it is for your benefit and the benefit of everyone else because as those docs identified in those posts. Their kids were also handicapped. Yes, they were hurt, they felt betrayed, all of those things. But if your teenage sons don't know how to wash their own clothes and cook for themselves, not really send them up for a good path moving forward into adulthood, right?

It is for their benefit as well. It's for their future wives benefit, their future partners benefit. So take a step back And really evaluate. And if you are like, I don't even know where to start, this is all overwhelming. That is where I come in. I can help you take a good stock of your life, the things that you are doing, and.

Come up with a strategic plan to make change and not to overhaul your entire life in one month. That's impossible. That's also unnecessarily chaotic and not about that. We are about baby steps, small changes that you can make to get to a life that you would be proud that your daughter would emulate. To get to a life where you have sons that you can rely on and you know, if I got ill tomorrow, I know they would take good care of me.

I know that I am raising a son who will know how to care for his wife, who would know how to run his house if his wife is ever ill outta town or whatever, who's basically not useless. Right. We will. Create a plan to get you to there because you deserve it and you don't have to do it alone. Getting this support, enlisting my help is the first step in you making a change and saying, I do not have to do everything alone.

I do not have to sacrifice everything. I don't have to over-function. I can get the support of somebody who can help me, who cares about me. I can be vulnerable, I can be supported. It is the first step, and once you make it, it is inevitable you're going to get to that place that you want to be at, doc. So go to my website, dr toya coaching.com/coaching and schedule a strategy coaching session.

The link is in show notes in my bios on social media and let's get you on the path where you are not on Facebook. Talking about how disappointed you are in your sons and in your husband. We don't wanna let use Facebook for other fun things, not that right.

Share this episode with another doc who needs a wake up call who is maybe in crisis right now and is at risk of letting that crisis go to waste. We capitalize on everything to make our lives better here. So share it with her. Make sure I leave a five star review and I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.