117. Michelle Obama Said the Same Thing I’ve Been Telling Y’all

Hey Doc,

I just got back from ACOG and I’m still on a high!

I went mainly to hear Michelle Obama speak and she did not disappoint. But what surprised me most was how deeply aligned her message was with everything I talk about here on Stethoscopes and Strollers.

This wasn’t some polished keynote speech full of inspirational fluff. It felt like sitting in on a private conversation between two accomplished Black women talking honestly about identity, confidence, womanhood, and what it takes to stay grounded in a world that constantly tries to tell women — especially Black women — who we should be.

And the whole time I kept thinking:

“Oh. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to help physician moms understand.”

We talked about:

• Why confidence actually comes from knowing yourself deeply
• How long it can take to truly trust yourself
• The danger of shrinking your accomplishments to make other people comfortable
• Why some people not connecting with you is not automatically a “you” problem
• How motherhood and life transitions force you to confront who you really are
• The importance of celebrating yourself unapologetically
• Learning to trust your knowing instead of overriding it with practicality or people-pleasing

Also… I found out Michelle Obama is 62 and now I need somebody to explain the sorcery immediately.

Hearing someone at her level speak so openly about groundedness, self-trust, and identity felt incredibly validating. Especially as physician moms navigating careers, motherhood, marriage, leadership, ambition, and all the invisible expectations sitting on top of us every single day.

If you’ve been questioning yourself…

If you’ve been minimizing yourself…

If you’ve been waiting for permission to trust your instincts…

This conversation is for you.

Press play, Doc.

Subscribe to ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨ on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode.

Apple Podcast | Spotify | YouTube

Connect with me: Website | Instagram | Facebook 

Join my Email list to get tips on navigating motherhood in the medical field.

If you are going through a transition -- becoming a parent, leaving a job, figuring out how manage it all, schedule a strategy coaching session and get clarity and strategic next steps for the life and career you want.

Strategy Coaching Session with Dr. Toya

Transcript

 Hey, doc. I just came back from ACOG, where, as you may know, I went with the sole purpose of hearing Michelle Obama speak. So our annual clinical meeting was this weekend, and the keynote speaker was the one, the only Michelle Obama, and it was absolutely amazing. And I really appreciated that it was not a speech at all. It was just a conversation. So she sat down and spoke to the CEO of ACOG, Dr. Sandra Brooks, who's a gynonc, amazing first Black female CEO of ACOG. And this year, we also inducted the first Black female president of ACOG, and then Michelle Obama was the keynote. It was Black girl magic all day, every day. And if you were at ACOG or saw pictures, I think every single Black female OBGYN in the country was at ACOG this week. It was so nice. Like, I don't know about you, but I have never heard her speak live. I've only seen clips. I see clips of her podcast, and she's just so real, so authentic. It was like we were witness to a private conversation with somebody she's known for a long time. You know, Dr. Brooks had some curated questions that weren't necessarily OBGYN specific. I, I didn't really know what to expect. It was just like getting to know Michelle Obama and what her thoughts were about certain things that are women's health adjacent, really. so I felt like it was a real window into who she is and how she thinks, and I really appreciated that, and I appreciated it even more because I was like, "Oh my gosh, she's talking about everything that I talk about on my podcast." And I have thought of that before. You know, every time I see her clips from her podcast or interviews, I'm just like, "Oh my gosh, we're so aligned." And it is my dream to be on her podcast or to meet her or something because it's one of those things, like, when I interview moms who have older kids on this podcast, it is reassuring, it is validating because it's like, yeah, everything that I believe, that I preach is being verified by these moms who have way more experience. And I feel the same way when I see clips about Michelle Obama, not just about motherhood, but life as a woman in general. And this conversation was the same. And so I started taking notes furiously because I wanted to share it with you, SO If you're tired of hearing me say the same things over and over, take it from Michelle Obama, right? Because it was a conversation and they were just asking questions, there's no like curated order. I'm just going to go down the list as I was taking notes. So the first question she asked was , like how she shows up and connects with different people or something like that. I really don't remember the exact question, but her answer was basically that when you are sure in yourself, when you're grounded in yourself and who you are, you don't really have to worry about connection because you know any room that you're in, you are authentic, you are confident, you feel like you belong, and connection comes naturally. And if you cannot connect with somebody, that's actually a them problem. And you can only realize that if you know for sure that it's not a you problem because you're grounded in yourself and confident. And I just thought that was so beautiful. And I've heard her talk about, you know, being in this life stage. First of all, I didn't know she was 62. I don't know how old I thought she was, but I was like, "Oh, wow, you are like not a young woman." but you know, having all these experiences and going through what she has gone through in the last how many ever years of people saying all sorts of things about her, you definitely have to not only develop a thick skin, but really be secure and confident in who you are. And of course, she didn't talk about this, but one way that I encourage my clients, I encourage you to do that is to brag about yourself, is to celebrate yourself unapologetically. And I don't know, it seems silly to some people, but I'll tell you, it is like a reflex now. Like I get on a call with my coaching clients and like, "Oh, I have a brag." And it changes you, and it is just like the simplest way to get to that point that she was talking about, to get to a point where you are so grounded in yourself that you can connect with anyone. And of course, there are some weird people, people who haven't done the work on themselves, who aren't secure on themselves that won't connect with anyone. That's not what I'm talking about. But really something as small as recognizing your achievements, your badassness, and articulating it in a positive, bold way, not shunning it, not diminishing it, it changes your brain chemistry. It starts grounding you and starts building your confidence, and it leads to what she was describing, of being able to move through this world so confident in yourself that you know when you walk into a room, connection is just going to come So I just absolutely loved that she talked about that. Another thing she said that I thought would be comforting is that truly knowing yourself can take decades, decades of experiences, of bad experiences, of good experiences, and how I look at it, it's like a journey of knowing yourself if you are intentional about it. If you're not, and you're just floating through life fulfilling other people's expectations and living the life that you are supposed to live and all that, it may take much longer to know yourself. You may never truly know who you are outside of the titles and the roles. But I think that having the wisdom of 62 years and knowing that it's something that truly comes late in life is just like, "Oh, okay, good. I don't have to feel like I'm behind." but I, I do think that time period can be shortened if it is an intentional knowing, taking time intentionally to get to know yourself, who are we really? What do we care about? What are our values currently? So hopefully it's shorter, and it's a evolving process. Another really good one that she talked about was her friendships, like that friendships take intentionality. And she gave details about how she maintained friendships when she was in the White House, and they would have like boot camps at Camp David. She would invite her friends to exercise because she, wanted to make sure they focus on their health, which was another point that she made later on. And so they would do like three-day workouts at Camp David. She would lure them in with a visit. And then they would do all this exercising, and it was her way of bringing them into her bubble, her time of complete isolation, really, and still being that intentional, because what she was saying was people just assume, "Oh, you're busy. You're the First Lady. You don't have time. You're not interested." And she had to be like, "Hey, no. Hey, I'm still interested. I'm here." And she had to really make it a priority. And I thought that was so relatable because I think as physician moms, if you don't have a huge group of other physician mom friends, you may find yourself around people, even old friends, who make that assumption about you. Just like, "Oh, you don't have time. You may not be interested in XYZ," especially if there are other moms around who maybe don't work or work in the home, I should say. There may be assumptions there because of the life that people perceive you to be living, and you're in that life being like, "Oh, I wish I had friends." So it does take intentionality, and if Michelle Obama had to do it, you can do it too, okay? You don't have Camp David to lure people, but you can still intentionally reach out and make it known that you want that connection and you want those friendships. Another big one, which actually is on the wall of my Pilates studio, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable, and the major point that she was making was the other side of discomfort is where growth happens, and I completely agree with that. Now, of course, I am all for ease and making life easier but more than that, I am for growth, for personal growth. I mean, I'm a coach. That, it's, that's what I do, and coaching, is confronting. It can be uncomfortable, and the reason is because on the other side of discomfort is where growth happens. Being in your comfort zone is cool, but it's also gonna keep you at the same stage that you're at right now, and One thing that I notice a lot is that we confuse struggle and discomfort, and those are two different things because I've seen a lot of people struggle in their lives, but they find comfort in the struggle. It is familiar. It is justifiable, and they know on some level, subconscious or not, that to get out of that struggle will take growth and therefore will take discomfort, and it is much easier to stay in the struggle, what is sometimes confused and hidden as the discomfort of growth. But no, it's, it is actually quite comfortable struggle I see it all the time, people struggling with money issues with feeling unsupported in the home. Like, it's hard, it's frustrating, but it's all you know, and making a change will take some effort. It will take some level of growth. It will take facing something that maybe you're not ready to face, so it's just easier to continue in the struggle. But as Mrs. Obama said, " On the other side of discomfort is where growth happens." and it's actually something I had to learn from my coaching mentor when I first started coaching too, because I would see people and be like, "Oh my gosh, I know I can help you. Like, I know exactly what you need." And I would get so frustrated that there was resistance to the help. And this wasn't even, like, me trying to get a client and be paid or whatever. These were friends that I had that, I would lend advice to and things like that, and my coaching mentor had to tell me, just like, "Yeah, she's complaining about XYZ. She's really struggling, but she's comfortable." Right? And it kinda blew, it blew my mind that you can be struggling but comfortable. but it was an important lesson for me to learn because people have to want to be coached, and this is the big reason, because you have to be ready. You have to be ready for the confrontation You have to be willing to be uncomfortable because that's where the growth happens. So I just absolutely love that she said that. And a big one, 'cause I've been thinking about this recently, Again, because of a client that I have, that we need to prioritize our own health. And she even says, you know, as women, as moms, we put ourselves last and ignore the health issues that we have, but we need to prioritize our own health. And, you know, I had a client that I had been telling for months, " Go get..." And, as you know, all of my clients are women physicians, so to have to tell a woman physician over and over, "Go get this checked. Go get this treated. Come on. Go, go, go." And she was busy and, you know, " Yes, I- I'll do it," but this excuse, that excuse, until it finally came to a head and she ended up in the hospital, right? So I think I have an episode about self-care being medical care, like a very, very early episode. But it is true. You know, you have to be healthy. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, and that includes children and definitely patients, because if you're not healthy, none of them will get cared for. So please, doc, if you have been ignoring something, you know you need to make that appointment, and that includes routine screening. Please satisfy my gynecologist's heart and get your screening if you know you're overdue. Please, please do it. Prioritize your own health. Michelle Obama said so. Okay. And she said, "Find things that bring you joy." Sometimes I think we don't think we deserve joy or that it's selfish or you don't have time for it. But what is, what is this life without joy and without honoring your desires and without fun? Like, we should make time for it. It should be a priority to find things that bring you joy, and put it in the schedule is just as important as everything else And the last thing, one of the most important, I mean, everything she said was important. It was great. But she talked about boundaries. She said, and I quote, " You can't say yes to everything. That yes will eat you alive." Let me say that again. " You can't say yes to everything. That yes will eat you alive. Practice saying no and practice setting boundaries." She was like, "I say no to a lot of stuff. It's okay if you're not going to be there." saying no is one of the hardest things for us. Woman, mom, doctor, took an oath to do all the things, good-natured caregivers, but it is necessary. I feel like I don't even have to say anything else because boundaries will save you, and you'll be so much happier. You will feel like you have so much more margin. You will have time to take care of your health and to find things that bring you joy and to be intentional about friendships. It is the passageway. It is what allows you to do all of the other things, to take the time for yourself so that you can know yourself. All of that starts with having boundaries and saying no. Oh my gosh, I wish you were there. But at the very least, I can bring you the messages from Mrs. Michelle Obama, our forever First Lady. And you know, I know that's a term of endearment, but no, that sounds like a sentence for her to be a forever First Lady. It's terrible and isolating and all that stuff to be so scrutinized but I digress, as I do. I'm glad I was able to bring these messages, and I have to tell you, this is my brag it reminded me that I am truly wise beyond my years because at my tender age of thirty-nine with two small children, three and six, I already believe all of these things, and it's what I help my clients with. It's what I, talk about here on this podcast. And yeah, sixty-two-year-old former First Lady Harvard lawyer is saying the same things. What a co Yes, I am so proud of myself, and I am so happy that I get to share this with you. I'm happy that I get to share this with my clients and help them in their lives to make the discomfort of growth less uncomfortable because they're supported through it. And I'm very honored to have that role for my clients. And the last piece of that brag is, you know, I went with my friend, one of my co-residents, and afterwards I was like, "Oh my God, she talks about everything that I talk about." And she's like, "Yeah, when I was listening to her, I thought that too." I was like, "Yes. I'm so wise beyond my years." Anyway, it was so great. I'm really glad that I made the decision to go even though I was unsure about it. Even while I was there, I was unsure that it was the right decision 'cause there's a lot going on. It was my son's birthday. It's just, it was just a lot. and that's just like a small segue I wanna take is that I'm very happy with my decision. It was the best. I had a great time. Don't regret it at all. During it, there was still doubt. So when I encourage you to make a decision that is honoring your desires. That is doing something where you find joy that you maybe feel bad about. You feel like maybe you're being irresponsible or selfish, and I'm just like, "Do it." It's not because I don't expect you to have no doubts. I don't expect it to just be easy and flip a switch. It's definitely not that way for me. The thoughts come about, is this the right thing? Should I not have done this? But I always fall back to my values and trusting myself that when I am fulfilled, when I am happy, it is better for everyone, and making sure that it always feels aligned. So even if I'm in this situation, I can quickly pivot if I'm getting away from my values, right? So like an example from this weekend, we were going out a lot. So my au pair went. It was a work trip for her, and the same friend who was with me from residency has young kids. So we took the kids to my friend's house. The au pair was there. Her au pair was there. So it's like the kids had a fun play date, extended play date while we went out on the town, like enjoying DC. But for some reason, my son started really having a hard time. He was crying, saying he wanted to go home, and I was like, "What is going on?" Like, I don't know. Is it because I'm gone so much? Is he no longer having fun? So I had to make some quick pivots, and I had to reevaluate. Like, there was a brunch that was organized after the keynote speech conversation thing, and I was about to not go because I was like, "Well, my son is having a really hard time. I, I don't know. I feel like I need to be with him." And the morning of when I spoke to him, I reassessed. He seemed to be doing a lot better. I told him we would meet up afterwards and go out for a fun ice cream date or whatever, and he was excited. There were no tears. So I was like, "Okay, he seems good. I'm gonna go, and make sure that I'm not late. I'm not staying, to hang out or whatever." I knew, like, if I spoke to him and he was still crying and fussing and saying he wanted to go home, I was not going. I was not going to that thing because I know what's important. I know that my son, for his birthday, is my priority, making sure that he feels loved, he feels happy, so I know myself, I know my values, I know what's important, and I could have pivoted, but I also don't guilt myself out of the things that I want as well. So I told that little segue story to, to say that I feel the same things you do. I have the same uncertainty, the same guilt. I just don't let it take over everything, and that is what I am encouraging you to do, to be clear about who you are, who you want to be, and always come back to that with your decisions and making sure that you include what you want in there, because that is important, too. 'Cause it would've been very easy f-for me to be like, "Oh, well, I feel like a terrible mom. I'm just gonna skip, skip it all. I'm not even gonna go to hear Michelle Obama, and I'm gonna go spend the entire day with my son." And that would've been completely unnecessary because let me tell you, my au pair took them to a really fun play place, and they had an amazing time in the morning. He wasn't even checking for me. So I would've missed Michelle Obama for what? And then when I met with them, I took them for ice cream. I didn't have my au pair come 'cause I wanted to spend time with them alone. We had an amazing time because I let him get whatever he wanted from this great ice cream shop. He had this huge milkshake, and then they did, like, a flight of ice cream where you got, like, six different flavors to test and oh my gosh, it was so good, and we had such a good time. And if you ask him about that day, I am sure he doesn't even remember that I was gone in the morning, So I just sometimes I f-feel like I don't talk about my struggles with the decisions enough, so it seems as though- doing these things and living how I live is just like, "Oh, it's easy. It's like whatever and there's no guilt, there's no concern, But it's definitely not like that. I don't intentionally not talk about it. It's just I try to get to the point. I try to make these episodes short, but unlike this one, so that you can get the point and keep it moving. But I think in terms of relatability and making sure that you don't count yourself out from the things that I say because you're like, "Oh, well, I could never. Oh, well, it's because she doesn't work full-time. Oh, it's because she's not clinical. She's not like me. I have too much guilt. So I will be sure to remind you that I am in fact just like you, just on different packaging. All right. So it was just like you were there, doc. You were there at ACOG in DC hearing Michelle Obama, because I've given you the highlights of her conversation, and I have reminded you that if you want more of that, all you have to do is listen to my podcast because it's everything that I talk about here. So make sure that you're subscribed and that you listen every week, and that you share it with another physician mom so she could hear all these messages. Make sure that you leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and a five-star rating everywhere else so that other physician moms can find the podcast, and we can spread these messages because they are important. They are important for us to live our best lives, which we deserve to do. Right, doc? I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.