118. Traveling With Your Au Pair (And Actually Enjoying It)

Au pair travel comes up in the groups every single week, and it's usually a horror story. The awkward silences, the au pair completely checked out, the vacation that didn't feel like a vacation.

I did this episode because I think a lot of that drama is avoidable, and I want to share how we do it.

But before you book that extra ticket, you need to answer a few questions honestly.

• Is this a trip or a vacation?
• Do you actually want childcare, or do you just feel like you should bring them?
• And do you know this person well enough to travel with them at all?

I'm breaking down exactly how my family handles travel with an au pair: From setting work expectations before you leave, to giving dedicated time off so your au pair can go explore, to the seating arrangement on the plane that changed everything. (Yes, I'm going to tell you to go sit somewhere else. Trust me on this one.)

This one is practical and direct, and it's full of the kind of clarity that makes the difference between a vacation and a very expensive, very stressful trip.

In this episode:

• Vacation vs. trip; and why that distinction matters before anything else
• When to bring your au pair and when to leave them home (both are valid)
• How to communicate work hours, flexible schedules, and travel days upfront
• Why dedicated time off during a work trip benefits everyone
• The plane seating arrangement I swear by

You worked hard for this vacation. Let's make sure you actually enjoy it.

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Transcript

 Hey, doc. Let's talk about travel with an au pair. So, you know, I have a lot of episodes about au pairs, and I've never done one on traveling with an au pair, but I think it is important because in the au pair group, it's a very frequent question or discussion about au pairs and travel, and it's often a lot of horror stories. So just going over the actual program rules, right? So au pairs can travel with you, and if they traveling with you and they're working on the trip, the same rules apply in terms of they have to have their separate room, and you have to respect work hours, et cetera. if they're traveling as a member of the family and they're not working, then you could, you could do whatever you want. They can stay in the room with your kids or whatever. So there's a constant discussion about whether or not to take au pairs, and there are also horror stories about taking au pairs on vacation. And I know some docs just blanket don't do it because they say, "You know, well, I don't need them to work," and they've had so many bad experiences with au pairs not appreciating the trips and not being how they thought they would be on the trip. So the majority of complaints that I see is, you know, the au pairs didn't wanna spend any time with them, or they were with them and they were all silent and awkward, and it was just weird, and I wish they didn't come, and blah, blah, blah, blah. So I wanted to do the episode to talk about the way that we do it, because I think it avoids a lot of that drama, and hopefully it will help if you have an au pair and you're thinking about travel, or you're thinking about getting an au pair and travel is an issue. Because I have another friend who travel is a requirement for their au pair because they do a lot of international travel, and they need childcare when they go so that they can enjoy themselves. So that's the first thing. I think it's important to decide whether you're going on a vacation or a trip. And if you're not familiar with the difference, a vacation is a vacation where you can go and relax and actually rest and have fun. That usually can't happen if you have young children and you have nobody else there to help you with said children. Now, if you have much older children, maybe it's possible. But I feel like unless they are teenagers and are truly self-sufficient, it's still a trip for a long time, right? So if you are doing family trips, then you may not necessarily need childcare. Maybe. that's not my family, but maybe for you. But if you want a vacation, then I suggest making sure that when you take your au pair, it is a work trip for them so that it is a vacation for you, right? So it's important to have that distinction. Are you going on vacation or are you going on a trip, And do you actually need and want childcare? And if you do, then make sure you're clear at the beginning that this is a work trip. This is not a vacation for them. And that involves making sure that they have their separate room and importantly and often forgotten, making sure that they have a schedule of some sort, or at the very least, making sure that they know things are gonna be flexible and we are only going to be able to tell you your schedule the day before. The best thing to manage expectations and avoid hurt feelings and confusion is to be upfront about what the trip is from the beginning before you leave, right? So you want to make sure that they know what is gonna happen. And if they have to work every single day while y'all are there, make sure they know that so that you're not dealing with sulking and misunderstandings and all that stuff. So first of all, being clear about if it's a vacation or a trip, being clear about whether or not you actually want childcare, and then knowing as much as possible what their hours are going to be and communicating all of that to them beforehand is gonna set you all up for success. Also important to remember if it is a work trip and it's a longer time, they still need their weekend off. If you're with cultural care, making sure that they have their consecutive amount of time off, you can rearrange their schedule before and after so that you don't violate work hours. w-we don't, we kinda don't play around with our work hours because I treat it as an extension of me when I was working. Like, I wouldn't want anybody to do that. So if we go over at all, we pay extra. Like, I don't expect my au pairs to, you know, just hang around for half an hour, hour after if they... I'm running late. No. we make a huge effort to respect their work hours, especially because our au pairs work a lot. They work the full forty-five hours, so it's not something I play around with. So making sure that however you rearrange your schedule so that you are in compliance with the regular work hours, and if they're gonna end up working more on this trip than they usually do, again, being clear about that. what we like to do is when we're going somewhere new, to make sure we give them dedicated time off so that they can go and explore, and they know this is your time. Go ahead. I don't expect them to spend time with us during that time. I think, I honestly think that's a bit unreasonable because they're with us all the time, and if I'm going somewhere new, like I would want to have time for myself. It's an open invitation to explore and I usually try to make it two days, and I use that time to make sure that I'm spending it intentionally with my children because a lot of these trips is because I'm going to a conference or I'm going for something. Like when I went to ACOG, I was going for ACOG, so I knew I would be gone a lot. So it doubles as me spending intentional time with my children for two days because I'm gonna be gone for the other three days, and also my au pair gets two days to do whatever she wants without having to worry about the children. So that's how I do it. Now, in terms of the flight, before I used to sit with my children and the au pair would be in another row. So I have two children, so when we travel, which is a lot, it'll be my daughter who's younger at the window, me in the middle, and my son on the end, so that I can reach both of them and take care of them. most of these planes, the row is three seats. So if the au pair is traveling, they're either in front or behind or on the other side. So I usually do us in one row and the au pair across the aisle so that they can help with bathrooms and stuff like that. But what I found was happening was that I am there wrangling these children, and the au pair is watching TV or sleeping. And I was just like, " What the fuck?" Like, what is going on? Because these will be work hours. So that's another thing. You need to decide beforehand as well and inform them what's happening on the travel day. Like, is the travel day counting as work? Does that violate their hours? Like, how is that going to happen? with our previous au pair, because of her schedule and because of how long the travel day was gonna be, because we were going to Trinidad, I actually paid her extra just to have an extra set of hands on the plane because it was such a long trip, and I didn't want it to be like, "Oh, well, I'm not working." And, I don't know. S-some people I've seen say, "Well, we're traveling as a family. Everybody's all hands on deck." Uh, I feel like that's asking for frustration because Again, if it's not clear that they're working, I am not going to expect you to work. So I guess it comes with a different culture and what is expected of au pairs, right? Because I know a lot of people are like, "You know, they're part of the family. I expect family members to do XYZ." But those are the same people that I hear complaining that the au pair didn't do this and the au pair didn't do that. It may seem transactional, and it may seem more employer-employee, but I w- I like to avoid all that, and if it's going to be a super long trip, I give extra money and make it clear that I need your help with this travel. So when I ask you to do something, like, it's not a surprise because I've paid you. Anyway, the point I was making that in this seating arrangement, on the plane during work hours, even if it wasn't, like, the extra long day where I paid extra, if it was regular working hours, they were having fun on this flight, this flight that I was paying for, and I'm there wrangling my kids. So, uh, I think like two or three trips ago, I decided that if it was me The kids and the au pair that she would sit in between my children, and I would sit in a row behind by myself. And let me tell you, it is glorious. I just did it when I went to ACOG, and I was so tired coming back. I knocked out, and it was so great. I don't even know what happened. I guess they were okay. So she's there, like, feeding them and getting the screen to work and connecting the headphones to Bluetooth and taking them to the potty, and mommy was in the back sleeping or doing work or whatever it is. So I highly suggest, if the seating arrangement allows, to let them sit in the row with the children, and you enjoy and sit somewhere else and actually enjoy your, your plane ride there and back. the last thing I want to say about au pairs and travel in general is that if you really are like, "No, I don't need childcare on this trip. I'm gonna spend time with my kids. I'll just-- I just want them to come along," I want you to be very honest with yourself. Do you know this au pair well enough to really enjoy traveling with them? And what I mean is traveling with people is a big deal, right? People are very different travelers in general. They have to like the same things you like, and even with, like, friend groups, you see it all the time. People are like, "Oh, my gosh, I can't travel with this person." this person is a early riser and likes to do all of the excursions where this person likes to sleep in and lounge by the pool all day because, you know, they're on vacation. It's the same thing with an au pair. Like, what kind of traveler is this person? What things do they, do they like when they are not working? Are they going to align? So just be super clear. If it's not a work trip, are you inviting her or him because you really want them there and you know that y'all will have a good time? Or is it because you feel like you should because they are, quote-unquote, "part of the family"? what is it? And are you prepared for them not liking the same things as you, not wanting to spend time with you, or wanting to spend time with you where you may wanna be alone? Just be, real with yourself because It is not a bad thing to leave them at home. It is not a requirement of the program to take an au pair on vacation with you. It can be a vacation. To me, that's a perk. So we've done this as well, where sometimes if I'm going home to Trinidad, I don't actually need an au pair. My family is there sometimes, and they get extra days off, so they can go and do whatever they want. You still have to pay them. You still have to do their stipend, but that's fine. That's like extra vacation and that, and that's a perk for being a part of my family because we go to Trinidad all the time, and not every time is my au pair gonna go. You get an extra week vacation. I really don't see it as a bad thing, and especially if you present it as such as like, "Hey, you're getting time off. Go enjoy yourself." Not, " Yeah, we're going on this trip, but sorry, I don't want you to come because I just need a break from you," or whatever the real reason is. "Oh, it's too expensive," which is... That's real. Taking an au pair, work trip or not, is an expensive endeavor, especially if it's a work trip because they have to have their own room, right? Plane tickets, food, it is expensive. So again, don't box yourself into taking them unless you really want to take them. 'Cause just imagine, you make the decision, you buy the extra ticket, you have the extra room, and then you have a terrible time because you weren't aligned with what was gonna happen on the trip. You expect them to help out, and they didn't help out or whatever else happened. Why ruin your vacation that you worked so hard for? Like, how much vacation do you actually have? You know? So really making sure that you're clear about all of these things, which I'm gonna go over. So Is it a trip? Is it a vacation? Do you want childcare? Do you not want childcare? Do you want them to come because you feel obligated, or do you actually want them to come because you think you're gonna have a great time on vacation together? Decide all that beforehand. If they're coming and it's a work trip, have their hours planned out as much as possible. If you don't have their hours, make sure you tell them, "This is gonna be flexible. I'm gonna give you as much notice as possible," Making sure that you're clear about how the travel days work in terms of their work hours. Make sure that you give them some time off if they are working so that they can go and explore. And also in that time off, be clear. Do you want them around? also nothing wrong with being like, "Hey, you know, you're off today. "I just wanna do things with the kids alone." I think any reasonable au pair is gonna understand because we don't have a whole lot of time with our kids. Like, you're working full-time, you know, running to activities, doing home-- Like, it's different to have set alone time. So if that's what you want, say it. there's nothing that says that you have to be stuck together all the time. You don't have to feel bad about that. You just have to be clear about it. So if on their time off you don't want them around, make it clear. And it it doesn't have to be, " Go away. I don't wanna see you." I think any reasonable person was, is going to understand. They see how you're living. They see how much you work. They're gonna get it. Just set expectations early, and everybody is going to be happy. And the biggest pro tip, make the au pair sit with your kids on the plane. Find a seat elsewhere. I just sit in the back of them. I'm not far away, So I'm still around. but enjoy your time. Enjoy your time. You deserve this vacation, right? So let me know if you have any other questions about au pairs, anything else that you want me to cover. the travel is a big one. Uh, I feel like every single week there's a question or complaints about au pair travel, and I think it's good to hear a different perspective, so that you can actually enjoy your vacation. All right? I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers. Bye.