48: [Lets Get Deep] The Power of Assuming Positive Intent

Hey guys and welcome to this weeks episode! This week, we are talking about the power of assuming positive intent. It's literally our biological nature for our brains to be in fight or flight mode and to think the worst (because it thinks it's protecting us from danger) when a lot of times, the worst is not actually happening. We're giving you ways today to work through the automatic assumption of negativity and rewrite our brains into thinking positivly throughout our social interactions instead. 

This was such a fun episode to record and such an interesting topic to discuss so we hope you enjoy! 

As always, please share this with a loved one and leave a review!

CHEERS!

Transcript

0:06

Welcome to the Fill Your Cubs podcast. We're your host, Morgan and Bailey. Welcome to today's episode. Guys, we are doing an episode, kind of like a, let's get deep a little bit, but we're just gonna talk about assuming positive intent. Mm-hmm. This is something that. Has really like shifted a mindset for me a while ago, and I don't think I saw it anywhere. I think I just decided to do it. Mm-hmm. Like it's so easy to think negative thoughts or think that people are doing things to harm or hurt you. Mm-hmm. Or just to be mean to you. Whereas a lot of times that's not the case. Mm-hmm. And so somewhere along the way, I just wrote this idea down of something that we should do and it feels like a good time to. Break it out, especially as we're, you know, almost hitting quarter two of the year. Mm-hmm. We are going into summer, like you might as well go into it with the best mindset and best attitude you can. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. So we're gonna be talking about kind of how to switch that mindset today and why you should try to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely feel like it's something that you hear, but. Putting it into practice is a different story. Mm-hmm. And can really change a lot changes so much. It really does. Yeah. I feel like it. I don't know. I'll tell you guys how it made me feel later in the episode, but before we get too into that, what's filling your cup today? I just have water today. Nice. What about you? Nice. I've got water as well, but then I also do have a little bit of coffee still. I was drinking earlier, so probably shouldn't that up during our episode. In your mama bear mug. In my mama bear mug. Did someone gift that to you? No, I bought that for myself a long time ago, but it's because I, I was like, Mason, is this gonna be really embarrassing if I buy this for myself? But I'm talking about Waylon because it was way before we were pregnant. He's like, no, you should do it. And so I only use it like at home. But now I'm gonna be a mama bear. So cute. I'm like, I can use it whenever I want. Cute. I love it. Yeah. Yes. Well, I know we have a shout out. These were really fun. Yes. We just did our spring cleaning episode and we just happened to put on Instagram like. Hey guys, what are some of the spring cleaning items on your checklist? And we got so many responses, and so we just figured we'd share'em just in case you needed some extra info. I was really shocked at how many we got because I was like, I it, I mean, it made it clear that people are thinking about spring cleaning. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But I was really surprised. So I loved, I loved this because the social work scoop is my friend Mandy's social work account. Yes. And she replied from that account and said, cleaning out and reorganizing my closet. Number one's hip. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Which is also great for your mental health, I feel like. Mm-hmm. So it goes with the social work scoop for sure. And then, let's see, Jessica, Gary said cleaning. Cleaning out the garage and cleaning up the back patio. Yes. I wonder if Jessica's gonna have any back, back patio. Happy hours. I dunno even. Okay. The thing about the happy hour was I was like, you don't even have to invite people over. Like, I'm not saying make it a party, like even if it's just you and your husband. Mm-hmm. Or you and your kids, like, that's so fun. Mm-hmm. Julia responded and said, cleaning under the sink because she needs to reorganize your cleaning products. And I was like, yes, do the organization. That's a such a good spot to start with. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And then Molly said, sanitizing the laundry baskets. I have never done that. Never done that. I've never even thought of it, but I was like, it does make sense. You're putting all of your dirty stuff in that constantly. Yeah. And then putting clean stuff in it, and it's like. Probably. It's pretty dirty. Yeah, I never thought about that. But I know love and I've taken stuff from my car, putting it in my laundry basket. Mm-hmm. I've used that to transfer books if I gotta go from upstairs to downstairs, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. I was like, all types of stuff hit my laundry basket. So yeah, I don't know. We just wanted to say thank you guys for interacting with us. Make sure you do follow us on Instagram, TikTok. I think that's really all we have, right? YouTube all we really have right now. But thank you for interacting and helping us keep this thing alive. Absolutely. Yeah. We love it so much. Mm-hmm. So into our episode for the day, you thought of this one. Wanna talk about where it came from? A bit? Yes. I feel like, I feel like this. Idea came to me right after we did our victim mindset episode. Mm-hmm. Because it's so easy to be in the victim mindset. And I do think that this episode kind of is like hand in hand. Mm-hmm. Whereas instead of like not taking things. So personally, we're just talking about how to like totally shift the mindset. But I specifically remember talking to you and Julia about it at the winery for my birthday. Mm-hmm. And be like, guys, I've had a revelation like. This is genius. It was at the same time as my, I'm not everyone's cup of tea revelation, which has helped me so much. Mm-hmm. But I just remember being like, I just don't know why we're all so mad at each other all the time and why someone can say one thing, it can ruin our whole days. Someone can, like, you can misinterpret what someone's saying. You can think that this person's being so bossy and such a dick, whereas in their mindset. They're just telling you what needs to be done. Mm-hmm. Like, I don't know. And I was just like, why are we so angry all the time? And I remember being like, I have made the decision to shift it. And instead of thinking that everyone's saying things with negative intent, I'm just gonna assume everyone's saying things with positive intent. Yeah. And sometimes maybe that's a little bit of gaslighting myself, I dunno. But it has worked wonders for me. It's. It's made me less angry. Especially like in traffic. I'm so much less angry in traffic. Which is funny when Mason listens to this,'cause he's gonna dig, you're constantly scowling while you're driving. I'm like, okay, that's'cause of slow drivers, not people who like cut me off and stuff. Yeah. But like it's helped me with that. It's helped me be like, okay, maybe that person's having a really bad day. Mm-hmm. Maybe this isn't directed at me. Maybe it's more them like, yes. So I, that's just kind of where the idea came from. I'm pretty sure it came from the victim mindset episode, where if you haven't listened to that one, definitely check that one out. But yeah, that's just kinda where the idea came from. Yeah, I do think that it makes such a huge difference, especially in those everyday occurrences, like the cash register that checks you out or the. People in traffic. Mm-hmm. Or somebody that bumps into you or like things like that. The airport person, you know? Mm-hmm. Things like that. Just assuming the best. Yeah. Can make such a big difference. I feel like, and we'll talk about this probably more later, but I feel like the relationships where it's harder are hardest. Are the ones that you've had a long time because Oh yeah. You off like often I find myself assuming their intent. Based off of my past history and knowledge of who they are Yes. And how they do things. And so it's a lot harder for me to assume positive intent in that case. Yes. So I am excited about this episode because I feel like we can, me too, kind of really dive deep into that. Yes, I completely agree. I was, when I was kind of writing about this, I was like, yeah, a lot of us assume negative intent. That's kind of where it's easier to go to. Mm-hmm. It's easier to go to in your mind. And I think it's because a lot of us struggle with. And like often without realizing it, we struggle with the feelings that have come from our past experiences. Like, oh, well this person did this to me one time. That must mean you are doing the same thing. Yes. Or self-protection mechanisms. Mm-hmm. Where maybe you feel a little embarrassed or a little shameful or something like that. And it's easier to feel like you're being attacked when you're not, or just like, like your brain just kind of rewiring itself to try to keep you safe in a way. Yes. So it's, it's so easy, and I do think it's a natural instinct. But we really do want to rewrite it and kind of start shifting that mindset. Yeah. You said the rewiring the brain thing. Mm-hmm. I, it made me think of how our, I, I've heard this lots of times, but how our brains are actually wired. But I've heard this before and I like quickly put it into Google, but human brains are actually considered to have a negativity bias because. Meaning like we're more likely to focus and remember negative information and experiences than positive ones. And it's because it's like a survival mechanism. Yeah. Like in the past it helps us be attuned to threat and danger. Mm-hmm. So in the past it, our ancestral history or whatever, people had to. Remember the negative things. Yeah. So that you know, whenever you touch the fire or whatever you remember it's bad. Yeah. And you don't do it again. Right. And so in now those threats are not quite as much the case. Mm-hmm. But our brains are, have still evolved to be wired that way. So it's something you really have to work against. And like when someone does something that you think is. A threat to you, you know, quote unquote threat to you. Yeah. Socially or something like that. That's not the same as them, you know, threatening your life or something. Right. Right. And so you have to remind in your brain that to look for the positive instead of the negative. Yeah. So it is, I definitely think that it is a. Re like a neurological thing that we kind of have to focus on, on literally rewire. Yes. Yes. So we wrote down a couple, almost like how tos, except. We're just kind of like dive into each of'em. Mm-hmm. I think, yeah. And just kind of go from there. Before we do, I really liked, you wrote something in this outline about when you, like, a good example of this is like you see two friends hanging out without you on social media. Mm-hmm. Instead of assuming that you didn't get, that they didn't invite you on purpose, like assume that they just needed one-on-one time together or something. Yeah. I felt like that was really relatable because I. I love, I love how close all of us sisters are. Mm-hmm. And I love that. I really truly feel like we all do see the best in each other. Yeah. And we've been really intentional about building that over the years because we've all been very scared of being not friends with each other. Yes. And we're like, we don't ever want it to get to a point like that. Yeah. So we want to stay friends and stay positive with one another. And so one of the ways that we do that, I think. Is by assuming positive intent. Mm-hmm. And that's that. I thought of that like even this last week. Yeah. You hung, you hung out with Julia separately. And I was like, oh, I love that for you guys. You know? Yeah. Like that's so exciting. Like you guys do need some one-on-one time together. Mm-hmm. Instead of being like, wait, why don't you invite me? Yes, exactly. And like feeling left out, even though I do get FOMO really easily, like in that case I was like, that's really beautiful. I love that. Mm-hmm. And I. I've felt that way when you know Chloe Love has shared things with you. Yeah. And hasn't shared them with me yet. I'm like, I love that. She just feels like she can open up to you. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, wait, why doesn't she feel like she can open up? To me? It's more just like, oh my gosh, that's so sweet. Mm-hmm. That you guys have that bond or whatever. And yeah. So I've noticed that it's a lot easier for me and I think it's just because we've put so much work into it. Yeah. All as sisters. Very intentional, but it's a lot easier to me. In our sister relationships now than a lot of other relationships. Yeah. And so I was like, maybe that's something that we can you, like if you have a relationship that you do find you give a lot of grace and assume positive intent. Mm-hmm. Utilizing whatever your framework, mental framework is about that relationship. Mm-hmm. To the other ones that you have a harder time with. Yes. Completely agree. I wonder if it's also easier with our sisters, because we're all on the same page and we all. Are happy for each other. We're all so supportive of each other. We all know like, this person's not going to be angry at me. Mm-hmm. Like, they might be, they might be upset with me at something. I don't know. Like, it, it could be anything stupid. Mm-hmm. But I feel like that's, that's such a safe. Relationship for me because I, I always know, like even Julia and I, when we did have our, um, dinner, like mm-hmm. We had talked about some pretty like intense or pretty deep topics and I knew that her view on the topic or the way she felt about things did not have to do with the way she felt about me. I think that it's so hard to put into words, but I don't know. No, I that you did? Yeah. Thank you. Are you ready to dive right in? Let's do it. Well, let's get in there. Well, first thing is. I want you to pause and check the story that you're telling yourself. Mm-hmm. So when you catch yourself assuming that someone meant something hurtful or rude mm-hmm. Instead of assuming that, ask yourself what's another possible explanation? Mm-hmm. Or ask yourself, is there actual evidence that they meant harm? Or am I filling in the blanks? That one's so big and I feel like, I feel like there's certain people in my life that I, that I do feel more heightened sensitivity with, or I feel more like. Oh, they definitely mean harm. And it's like not all the time that Not all the time they do. Yeah. So am I filling in the blanks where there's really nothing to be filled in? Yeah. I think that that's something I have to ask myself a lot. Like did they even mean that? Yeah, probably not. I think that this one's really big in texting conversations. Oh yeah. Because in texting conversations you can say one thing and it's totally interpreted a different way. Mm-hmm. And if you're texting someone. Especially someone that is not necessarily like safe like you were talking about with mm-hmm. Us or whatever. Someone that you do question yourself around or you have fought with or. Yeah. Maybe has even intended negative things in the past, and you have really a relationship or history, right. Provi, you know, it's supporting the evidence in your brain that that person means the means harm. Mm-hmm. Then it can be really, really hard when you get a text and you're like, what did they mean by that? Yeah. And instead of asking. Oh my God. What did they mean by that? Are they implying this the worst Uhhuh at, you know, it's really, really hard to sit there and be like, you know, they didn't say that. Mm-hmm. I can assume that they did not mean the worst. Yep. And just behave as though they didn't. Yeah. And I do this a lot, honestly. Like if someone sends me something and I'm like, that was really weird. Or, or why are they even saying that? Uhhuh, I, I just, I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna. Take what they said for what it is. Mm-hmm. And I'm just gonna respond and be like, oh, okay, well sure. You know? Yeah. You know? Yeah. I'm not gonna read between the lines. Yes. I'm not gonna try to figure out what they're, they actually meant. I'm just gonna go with what that what they said. Yeah. Because if they do mean negative intent, then I'm giving into it and like going through whatever mind hoops that they want me to, or whatever. Yeah. And if they mean positive intent, then I'm just wasting space and time. Yes. And energy. Convoluting, whatever it is that I got. So I feel like this one's really, really good to ask whenever you receive a text message or a text message, or even like an email at work. Mm-hmm. Or something like that, that you're like, is this passive aggressive? Maybe? Yeah. That has like one too many periods, right? Yeah. You're like, is this passive aggressive? Instead of assuming that, just assuming. Oh, they mean exactly what they say. Yeah. You know? Yeah. No, I completely agree. I also like the question of asking yourself is like, what's another possible explanation? I feel like I do that a lot where I'll, I'll see something or I hear something, or whatever happens that I'm like, like, and I think that it's, it's easier for me because I have been trying to assume positive intent for so much longer. Mm-hmm. But I'm like, I'm like. What, what are they actually trying to say? Like, it's funny'cause it, we just talked about not reading in between the lines. Mm-hmm. But if I get something that seems in my head, like weird and I'm like, there's no way they meant that. Mm-hmm. Like, let's say with my sister-in-law or something, it, it's a short text and I'm like, that's not like a normal relationship that we have with each other. There's no way that they meant how I'm reading it. And then I can look at it and be like. Okay. Hold on. I think that they're saying something else. Yeah. Or like, okay. I think that this is what, like how they meant it, or I think they just thought I would be excited to read it. Yeah. Or something like that. I actually had a specific example with mom this week where I had like shortly after the baby gender reveal, I had told her like, yeah, don't buy anything for the nursery though, because I don't know, like decoration wise what I'm really going with and I don't want you to like waste your money on it. She heard. Don't buy anything for the baby. And so she had texted me this week and was like, Hey, I know that you asked me not to buy anything, but if it has like a return and like I give you the receipt and so if you don't like it, like can I buy it? And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry if you thought that's what I was implying. I was not, I did not mean to imply that I meant specifically nursery decoration, like. Don't buy wall hangings and don't buy shelves, and don't buy things that are gonna go on a bookshelf, sheets, blankets, and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, and that's only because I don't really know what I'm going with yet. Yeah. And I feel like I am kind of picky about my decoration, like. Yeah, it, it's almost in the way where people wouldn't buy you decoration and put in your living room, but they wanna buy it for your baby's room.'cause that's so much cuter. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm like, but I don't know what I'm going with yet. So that's specifically what I meant. However, like it must have been the way I said it, I must not have been like super clear or like it, you know, there's a lot of things going on. Right. And so for her, she heard, don't buy anything. And I was like, no. Like if you wanna buy clothes and diapers and toys and mm-hmm. Like go for it. Buy even blankets are fine with me. Mm-hmm. Like buy whatever you want for the baby. Just don't buy nursery decor. Yeah. Is basically what it was. And she was like, oh, okay. Like, thanks. Things are cleaning that up. And I was like. No problem. Yeah. So it was just funny that it was like, okay, what's the other possible explanation? Yeah. Because I didn't mean what I accidentally implied or I didn't mean what she heard. Yeah. And so I thought that was a funny, I was like, huh, funny that we're doing this episode today. Yeah. I said this a little bit earlier, but I feel like the, what's possible, what's a possible, what's another possible explanation question? Mm-hmm. I do better with whenever, and this is probably really annoying for the people in my life. Jared in particular, but whenever other people are talking about something that annoyed them about somebody else. Oh yeah. And I'll be like, oh, well they probably meant this. And like I assume the positive intent anytime someone else is talking about like something that bothered them. Yes. And I actually remember in college, in like when I was living in a house with four other girls that. I had to sometimes like kind of bite my tongue because I would play devil's advocate almost. Yeah. And I don't do it on purpose, it's just automatically where my brain goes. Yeah. But they would be like, yeah, and then she said this or something. And I'm like, oh, well she probably just meant this. Or like, or I remember one time like they had this really awkward scenario with a girl that used to live at our house and whatever, and I was like, okay, well put yourself in her shoes. Like and I, this was one of, this was a pivotal moment where they were like. I get where you're coming from, Morgan, but I'm not there yet. And like, shut up. I was like, yeah, but I. She probably walked in, felt excluded, was like really confused. And then that's why she said the thing. Yeah. You know, and their, but their whole point was the thing she said was rude. Yeah. And, and I definitely could have just been like, yeah, that was rude Uhhuh. But instead I was like, Hey, come on. Like dunking up on her. And she's not even there for like, I'm defending her and she's not even there. But no, I do that all the time. It's so much easier to see it happening in other people. Yeah. Today Jared did it with his flight. He was talking about, I guess. His last flight, he had a nonstop, but some people had a through flight Uhhuh, so they didn't get off the plane and the, the girl in the aisle seat WA turned to Jared who was in the middle, and the lady that was on the window and she was like, oh, are you guys getting off here? And he was like, and this is also just another thing with our communication style. Like he asks a lot of questions when he says things. But I have to remember that he's not actually asking me. He's just saying it that way. Yeah. But he was like, why would you sit in the aisle seat if you are on a through flight? Oh. And I was like, oh, she might have just assumed that everybody else, like everybody else was also Yeah. On getting or that. When she got on, she might not have realized that some people were getting off before her. Yeah. And then I immediately realized, like he was not actually asking me was just, yeah. He didn't need a real explanation. No. He was just like, why would you do that? And then he was like, oh yeah, well, okay. Yeah. But anyway, so that's so funny'cause when you said that, I'm like, my first thought is maybe she has to pee a lot, and so she sitting in the aisle. That's why I picked the aisle. Yeah. So, yeah. No, I just, I feel like it's way easier to do with other people, so it's, mm-hmm. This. Is a good reminder for me that what's another possible explanation as much as I do that with other people's Yeah. Scenarios, I can do it with my own. Yeah. Completely. Uh, the second question that you can ask yourself, it really follows the, what's another possible explanation is consider their world. This is something I really try to do a lot. Mm-hmm. Is. Try to imagine what might be going on in their life. So maybe they're having a bad day, maybe they're distracted or anxious. Maybe they didn't even realize how it came across. Mm-hmm. And they didn't see their face when they said it, and they didn't hear the infliction and mm-hmm. I think that's a big one, is like, okay, hold on. That person just talks like that. Like mm-hmm. It doesn't, it doesn't mean they're arguing, it just means that that's their tongue. Yeah. Absolutely. I think that this is one that I have to ask myself a lot, and I do wanna say that. That it's considering their world. They may have said, said something that was meant to hurt you. They may have done something that was intentional and just because they're having a bad day does not write it off. Mm-hmm. And does not excuse the bad behavior. So I'm not saying to do that. I'm not saying like, if your two friends are hanging out and you like it was intentional and they are talking bad about you. That's not okay. You don't have to gas. Right. Gaslight yourself into thinking that that's okay. So we're not saying excuse those behaviors. We're saying for the times that it's actually not meant to be harmful. Yeah. Like consider their world. So a big one for me is when people do cut me off in traffic, I'm like, okay, maybe they have, they really have somewhere to be, they're running really late. I remember a long time ago, dad had said. Oh, what was it? Oh no, it was a long time ago. I used to get so annoyed when semis would pull out in front of you or they would like, I mean, they'd take a long time making a turn. Yeah. Or they'd take up a lot of space. And I remember one time being like, oh my gosh, I would never let a semi in front of me. And I remember dad being like, like, why? And I was like, well, it's just so annoying. And he was like, well, they have to get places too. This isn't like, they're not, I'm sure if they could get faster, they would. Yeah. And I was like. You're so right. Yeah. They're not wanting to make me mad and cut me off. They just ha like, they have to get in this lane because they have to get over it. They're just the size of four cars. Like, yeah, sorry. And I was like, huh? Not true. I, I have the thought a lot whenever someone's driving weird or like. They have their blinker on and then they turn it off, or like just something is weird that's going on. I have the thought a lot, like maybe this is one of their first like five times driving. Oh my gosh, yes. I think about Chloe love a lot, where I'm like, she probably drove really, or I think about even myself. I'm like, mm-hmm. The first few times that I drove, I drove slow. I didn't merge. Well, Uhhuh, I remember the first time I'm getting on the highway, I think. I freaked out and I like stopped at the end of the merger and mom was like, you have to get out there. And I was like, and I was like, shoot. And then I'm going like 25 miles an hour on the, onto the on ramp, on the highway and stuff. So I think, I think that a lot when people are just doing odd things, I'm like. Maybe they aren't comfortable with driving, you know, like maybe they're, it's their first time driving. Maybe they, whatever. Maybe they're just new to the area. Yeah. Like they've been driving a long time. They've never driven downtown. Yeah. I, I think that all the time with downtown KC where when,'cause I go through there a lot, but honestly like. Jared doesn't go through there nearly as often as I do, and sometimes he takes the wrong way or whatever. Mm-hmm. But when we're in the car and he's like, what is this person doing? And I'm like, they probably just really, truly don't understand. Like they, they dunno. They probably really thought like, you know, sometimes people will get in an exit and I don't, I don't think they should do this, but they get in an exit and then they realize, oh shoot, that wasn't the exit. Yes. And they pull back over real suddenly. Yes. And you're like, ah. Like. Yes it is. They shouldn't do that. It is scary. Yeah. It's like not you gotta, you gotta stick with it. Yes. Get off on the next one. Yes. But at the same time, most of the time I just assume like they truly are just unfamiliar with the Yes. No, I'm in the same boat. I, I think it's so, it's so easy to do it with strangers. Of imagining their world or maybe their wife's in labor and that's why they're going 80 on a 40. And I'm like, oh, I hope they make it to the hospital on time. But it is a lot harder to do with people in your lives. But I do think that being able to consider their world has made such a difference, especially in a relationship like me and Mason's. Yeah. For example, where there are times when he. Can be really frustrated or really overwhelmed. Like everyone talks about moving is like such a test in your relationship. Mm-hmm. We are very nice on the surface a lot. Mm-hmm. But sometimes there can be a little passive aggressive things that get said Uhhuh, and I'm like, oh my gosh. And'cause we're like pretty kind with each other. Often I'm like. If he says something that's like a little snippy, I'm like, okay, what is going on? And I remember this last time we were moving, he was just saying that he was really annoyed or he felt like my tone was really snippy and that I was having, like I had had to repeat myself a couple times'cause he couldn't hear me. And he was like, I just feel like you were really annoyed'cause I couldn't hear you. And I was like, I truly wasn't. I like did not have that at all. So he's assuming negative intent and I'm like, that really did not happen. And I'm like. I'm like, are you actually annoyed because you felt like I was being snippy with you, or are you annoyed because we have 10 minutes left before we have to turn in the keys? Mm-hmm. And you're feeling kind of rushed. And he's like, no, I'm annoyed at you. And I'm like, okay. And then a little bit later he is like, yeah, no, I think you were right. I think I was like pretty stressed out. And so it was just like, I just felt angry and kind of took it out on you and felt like you were angry. And I was like. I totally understand. Like I totally understand how you felt. It gave me a lot of grace for him and a lot of being like gentleness. Yeah, because I was like, okay, this is not. How he is meaning to react. Mm-hmm. This is, he doesn't know that he feels this way. I know he feels this way or he doesn't, like, he doesn't realize this is how he's coming across, but I do know that it is how it's coming across. So it gave me a lot of compassion and a lot of like, okay, I could snip back so easily. Yeah. And we could have this big fight. Yeah. I knew that there was no point in doing that because I knew what was going on. Mm-hmm. And I was like able to consider how he was feeling. Even though he didn't know that in the moment. Mm-hmm. And I do that with a lot of other people in my life. Like your boss at work is really overwhelmed for the day, so maybe they snapped at you a couple times But I'm not taking it personal because I know that his day has kind of sucked and I'm like, Ooh, yeah. Would hate to be him. Like, you know what I mean? I'm on, yeah. I'm on the receiving end of this a lot because. I don't realize when I'm hangry. Mm. And I, I'm getting better at it. But for the, for the first several years of our marriage, I remember we would sometimes be in the car on the way somewhere or something, and it would also be like on a busy day or whatever. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden I would just be really, really snippy with Jared. And then he would say something like. And this is kind of patronizing, so he is not great, but, but it would bring to the forefront of my mind like, oh, okay, yeah. What do you like about my shoulder? And be like, are you hungry, baby? Not like that. No. He'd be like, it's okay babe. We'll have lunch soon. And then I would be like, but then I couldn't even buy it because I'm like, actually, I'm starving. That is so, and that probably is why I'm frustrated. And it reminds me of when you, when you're. Working with kids or you're dealing with kids. Mm-hmm. You consider their world so much, you're like, they didn't sleep well last night. Mm-hmm. They've been sick the last couple days. They haven't eaten well. Yeah. They, you know, they, they miss their mom. Yes. Yeah. That's a favorite toy that this kid just took. Yes, exactly. Like you consider it so much, but then when people become adults, you like forget all that. Mm-hmm. And so I feel like it is really important to remember like. Maybe they just didn't sleep well. Yeah. Or maybe if it's your partner, it's like, did they have a really bad workday? Yeah. Did they get bad news? Did they get turned down? You know, you don't see every little part of their world. Yeah. So you can just kind of consider it and then the like. The last thing that I would say about considering their world is honestly they could just think differently than you. And I always bring this back to the Enneagram. Yes. Because the Enneagram is the sole. Personality exam or whatever that I would say is based on desires and not about behaviors. Mm-hmm. And so if someone is motivated and desires different things than you just at a fundamental level mm-hmm. They may act differently than you. Mm-hmm. And so when they make a choice or they say something or whatever, they act a certain way, they tr it. Part of considering their world is like. Maybe they did sleep fine. Maybe they're not hungry. Maybe they're not stressed, but they also are just fundamentally a different person than me. Yes. And so thinking a little bit about, okay, I can assume that from their point of view, this is like the best that they could have done. Mm-hmm. And with like the experience, everybody has different experiences. Like some people might not have gone through a self-growth. Whatever Yeah. Journey that you have, and they're just not there yet. Yeah, and you need to just. Assume that this is an experience that can help them kind of. Mm-hmm. I'll never forget when you told me, I think I was complaining about someone doing something really annoying. They were probably going too slow for my liking. And I remember you saying, well, it might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to them. Mm-hmm. And I think about that all the time. I do too. And it's so helpful. And I think it goes along with considering their world. It might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to them. And we have talked about that a lot in episodes before too, of. Being like, okay. Kind of figure out why this makes sense to them. Ask why this is how they do things. Yeah. Instead of, instead of. Being like, oh, they're going slow intentionally to piss me off, or like they're going slow because they're not even considering me, me right now. They're clueless. They they're careless. They don't, yeah, they're selfish. Like it's like Uhhuh. This is the pace they move at. I'm like, yeah, maybe They just don't even realize they're going slow. They do. Literally, to them they are rushing. Yeah. Seriously. Some people that is the case. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. And in their world, they're thinking, why is this person rushing me? Why are they like. We don't need to get, there's no deadline. Why are they going in and out? Yeah. It's like, yeah. So true. Yeah. It's just funny whenever you, you do consider their world. So that has been a huge helper for me, and I think that's, that's probably what I first do. It's life changing, honestly. It is life changing. I remember learning or hearing that at a conference in college, and both me and Kristen were like, that is a game changer. Game changer. Yes. I think that that is the one where I'm like. Maybe it is a little bit of gaslighting myself. That's okay. I don't care. Yeah. I mean, if it's gonna make you a happier person and have healthier relationships, yes. Who cares? Especially with those strangers, I'm like, oh, they've gotta make it to the hospital. Wife's in labor in the car right now, like. That's probably not true, but it reminds me of the game that some couples play when they like go on dates at restaurants and they look around and they're like, what do you think? What are, what's the deal with them? Yeah, like siblings are dating kind of thing. Yeah. I guess their profession friends or, or guess, yeah. I guess if they're out on a date, it's just the first date or 50th. Do you think they're talking about. Yeah, just kind of reminds me of that. Yeah. I do feel like the slow thing does move us into our next one.'cause that's one of your triggers. Yes. And the next point is to reflect on your triggers. Mm-hmm. But on a more, like, more on a more deep level. Yeah. Because some, yeah.'cause sometimes for you it has nothing to do with what the other person is actually doing. Mm-hmm. It's more about what's going on internally for us. Yeah. Absolutely. So a lot of times you can kind of ask yourself, what does this remind me of? Mm-hmm. Or, or you can ask yourself, why did this hit me so hard? Why is this such a big deal to me? I think that this is one that I've really had to reflect on.'cause I really hate getting in trouble, really hate getting like yelled at. And even if it's not yelling, if the voice is being raised or I feel like I'm being lectured, it really triggers me and it really kind of sets me back. Mm-hmm. And. I automatically wanna go on the defense. Mm-hmm. Because I'm like, no, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, hold on, hold on. Yeah. That's actually not what's going on. It's fine. But it reminds me of like being little and I've always hated getting in trouble and I'm always getting in trouble. I swear to God. It's like such a double and sword, but, but yeah, so I think that this is something that I have to do a lot and. Ask myself why I'm feeling this way. Yeah. I think it's really good because the why did this hit me so hard, especially when, and we talked about this in the victim mindset episode as well, but especially when your reaction, the level of your reaction does not match the level of what happened. Oh, yeah. When something, I always, I bring this up all the time, but when Jared and I were first married. There was this incident we were eating at the coffee table in the living room. I dropped the ketchup bottle, ketchup went everywhere, and I flipped out and I, and Jared was like, Morgan, I just think that you're like, this is a really extreme reaction for just like a little ketchup. Yes. Fully everywhere, clean up. And of course I was like, you're not empathizing with me, blah, blah. And then later, kind of like Mason later, I was like, you know, I realized that I think I was just stressed and like, my big thing is that I'm worried that if I do something wrong, that someone else is gonna be mad at me. Mm-hmm. And I, and I get, I get this way even in our relationship, like I still have to remind myself like. Jared's not just gonna randomly be mad at me for no reason. Mm-hmm. Even if I like spill something, and maybe it's the getting in trouble, I don't really feel like I'm scared of getting in trouble, but I do feel like you're more scared of messing up. Yeah. That's, mm-hmm. Yeah. Failure or like Yeah, because Doing wrong. Yes. Because if I, even when I like. If I'm in the kitchen and he's in the kitchen too, and I drop like a plate on the ground or something, I immediately look at him and I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't get mad. Oh, you know? And he's like, I'm not mad at you. He's like, I didn't even notice. Yeah. But it, but like if I do something. So anyway, so I think that I just worry that other people are gonna get mad and so then I have an extreme reaction because I am. One, like I, I guess maybe I'm like putting on a show that like, I know I messed up, like I know I did a terrible job. Like that sort of thing. Mm-hmm. So it is interesting whenever you like look back at like, why did that hit me so hard? Or like, why was my reaction so extreme when the, the thing that triggered it was so little? Yeah, no, completely. I even have an example that happened pretty recently and it has nothing to do with like, it doesn't go back to childhood or anything like that, but. And I think that, I think that this point of reflecting on your triggers and like asking yourself why that has a lot to do with communication. Like you've really gotta work on it. You've gotta work on it for so long. Mm-hmm. It is not easy to just do that, especially in conversation with other people. Mm-hmm. But I remember in December, four months ago, Mason and I, and then a couple of his friends went out to Chicago. Mm-hmm. And we had been out one night. Drinking a lot and we, Chicago's so expensive. We had been spending money all day long and I had told Mason like, oh yeah, I, we were dancing and I was like, I kinda wanna go outside and get some fresh air because I'm really hot. So we go outside and Mason can hold. Not hold, but Mason can seem a lot less drunk than like, even if he's had 10 beers. Yeah. He just doesn't act as drunk as like I would as having 10 beers. Mm-hmm. And so that automatically kind of puts me on edge.'cause then I'm feeling stupid for like, I'm really drunk. Why aren't you really drunk? Kind of thing. Yeah. I have like this whole thing with drinking, but so we go outside and we're just hanging out and blah, blah blah. And I had said like, okay, yeah, let's go in so I can get another drink. And he, I remember him being like, Bailey like. We have been spending so much money today, like, do you need another drink? We're probably gonna go home in like an hour and I'm automatically, that pissed me off already. Image? Yeah. Yeah. Super triggered me. I'm already drunk so. Like emotions are really heightened, but I always feel inferior to him while we're drinking because he can hold himself so much better. Mm. And so I'm immediately like, oh my God, I'm not even acting that drunk. Like you're, that was such a rude thing to say, I can't believe that you would try to cut me off. I'm like, I'm not even doing anything bad. And then he bless him, he. It's still good at talking. So this is like one of those, this is why I started with communication, like it's learned and like you really have to know how to communicate. Yeah. Because this could have turned into a huge fight, could have turned into me storming home and like. The next day being like, wow, what a jerk. But it ended up with him being like, that's not what I'm saying. I don't think you're acting out of control or like anything bad, but I'm saying that we've just spent a lot of money today. We're probably going home within the hour. Do you think you can just go inside and like have water or something? And I was like, no, I don't want to. I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want, blah, blah, blah. And so I'm still on the such defense and he's like, Bailey, this is not what I'm saying. Like, please listen to me, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like. Okay. And so I, I decided to really stop taking offense and I really listened to what he was saying. So instead of always having to come back, I remember in the moment being like, okay, hold on. Say, say what you said again. I'm gonna try to really listen to it this time. And he says it. I'm like, okay, I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I can go in, I'll try, I'll try not to get a drink. If I wanna get a drink, maybe I will, but. I, I hear that. You're not saying I'm acting outta control. I hear that. You're not saying that I have spent all of our money. I'm hearing that you're not saying that. Like I need to go home. I'm hearing all that. I'm like, this is not what you're saying. This is what I thought you were saying. Mm-hmm. It's not at all, you didn't say any of that. So I remember being like, alright, let's go back inside. I'll just get a water. And then I drank water the rest of the night, danced my ass off the rest of the night. Still had so much fun and I was like so proud of myself that I was able to in the moment. Hear what he was actually saying instead of what I thought he was saying and take myself out of it and take all the defenses I had out of it. Mm-hmm. And like actually just hear what he was saying. And then we saved like 80 bucks. Yeah. Because I didn't buy three or four more drinks.'cause I would have, yeah. We're staying for an hour. I'm buying three or four more drinks. Yeah. And so I just drink water and then I like loved that night. Yeah. So, I don't know. That's awesome. I know. Isn't that funny that it doesn't have to be like these. I don't know. It doesn't, I don't, I don't know. But no, it really is like, like this only was four months ago. Yeah. And so, and I've been working on this for a long time. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It really is just a release of self and release of ego and choosing ego. Yes. It's like choosing, choosing the relationship over your ego. Yeah. And, and choosing to have a good night over your ego. Like Yeah. You could have just made that night miserable. Mm-hmm. After that point, old me would've stormed off. Yes. Old me would've been like, call me an Uber, I'm going home. Yeah, exactly. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And. And honestly, Mason in a previous self mm-hmm. Might not have been so good at like, diffusing the situation. Yeah. And, you know, and so it's just being like, I'm, yeah. I'm gonna abandon my ego for a second. Mm-hmm. And just assume that whatever this person who I love in front of me is doing, has nothing, nothing, no harm against my ego or like anything like there's no harm against me. It truly is just. Taking it for face value. Yeah. Um, because yeah, that when you like release the ego, you also release like all the triggers that are attached to that. Yeah. Yeah. You release the, I like. For so long I have drank more than other people around me. Mm-hmm. And like I'm always down to keep drinking. Yeah. And so it's like a huge trigger for me when people are, act like when I feel more drunk than other people. Yeah. I'm like, oh shit. And then like I feel shamed or whatever. Yeah. But then I like automatically get this defensive trigger. Yes. And so, I dunno, it was a funny thing. No, I like that anecdote. That makes lot sense. It was a long story, but it's. A true story. Yeah. This next one kind of reminds me of when we were talking about like asking for deadlines in our work balance episode. Yeah. But the next one is ask or clarify instead of assuming. So I honestly just assuming unless it's positive, does make an ass out of you and me. That's the whole thing. Sure does. But if. If in your relationship that matters to you, like the person that you're close to mm-hmm. Uh, you can try saying, Hey, when you said this, I wasn't sure how to take it. Like, can you help me understand what you meant? It reminds me of what you said when sometimes you and Mason will be like, okay, so this is what my brain is hearing that you're saying. Mm-hmm. What is your brain saying to me? Yeah. What are you actually saying? Yeah, because I don't really, I don't know if I'm. My brain caught that. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. I mean, even in that like Chicago story, me being like, hold on, say it all again. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna try to really listen to what you're saying and try to really understand what you're saying. Yeah. No, I do that. I have to do this one a lot where I'm like, okay, what did that, what did you mean by that? Yeah. Especially if you're doing the thing where you're overthinking and you're repeating over and over and over. The thing that they said, yeah, I do this sometimes like with. Girlfriends. I don't see that often or something, but they said something and I'm like, what did they mean by that? What did they mean by was that weird? And I'm like, maybe I should just ask them. Like I either need to just release it or ask them, you know? Yeah. And it can be very odd at first. Mm-hmm. But. I feel like it's helpful and I feel like when you put yourself out there, other people appreciate that. For sure. Other people really appreciate the chance to explain. It's kind of like the thing that happened with the gender reveal where mom thought I was saying, you can't bite anything. Yeah. Where I wasn't like, and then she, she did ask. She kinda asked like me to clarify'cause she asked like, Hey, can I do this? And I was like, oh, hold on, that's not what I was saying, blah, blah, blah. And so then it did gimme a chance to explain and I was glad that she didn't go my whole pregnancy thinking she couldn't get anything for her grandbaby. Like, yeah, and that sucks'cause that does not paint me in a good light. And like that can't feel good to her being like, man, I've been put on a, like, I've been told I can't do this. Yeah. And it's like, oh, that's not what I was saying. I'm sorry. Like, no, it really does. Really does change the conversation a lot. Yeah. And it just gives clarity. It just clears things up. Mm-hmm. Clears the air, makes it feel less stiff, you know? Yeah. When you're together. Because some, honestly, sometimes it might feel tense on your end. Mm. And the other person doesn't have that at all. Mm. And if you would've just asked then it would've like released all that tension. Yeah, the last one on here is just practicing self-compassion. So we've talked about this a lot before of just being kind to yourself. So this one, it feels like it could be. Like it's a such a mind shift. But when you are hard on yourself, you tend to be more suspicious of others too.'cause you tend to think that, they also think all the same things that you think about yourself. Mm-hmm. But if you're kind to yourself, you're less likely to take things so personally. Yeah. Because you, if you genuinely think that you're a great person mm-hmm Then you're not gonna think that the people that are interacting with you think you're a terrible person. Yeah. Because. You think you're a great person. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, that one's a really, really hard one to work on. And when you have a constant critic in your mind or Yeah, you have, you're constantly putting yourself down, criticizing yourself, just, you know, just doing, saying discouraging things to yourself. Mm-hmm. Then you are going to assume that other people assume that about you as well. Yeah. And. It's really a bummer working on self-compassion, working. It's crazy how you can work on self-compassion and only be working on yourself. Mm-hmm. And it heals relationships with other people. It is weird because you're not doing anything in those. Like you could be behaving the exact same way, but your brain. Is just in a better state. Yeah. To interact with them. Yeah, no, I completely agree. Like, it's easier if you really like yourself and you know, you know the intent behind why you do things and you know the way you say things to people and the words you use. Then when somebody else thinks negatively, you're like, oh. Didn't even see that one coming. Yeah.'cause I did not mean that. Yeah. I did not see, like, that's not who I am. Yeah. So that's not what I meant. And then it's easier for other people to know that that's not who you are. Mm-hmm. And, and I think maybe that's what it is with our sisters mm-hmm. Of like, we know each other so well that we're like, they would never purposely hurt me. Yeah. They would never say something that was meant to tear me down. They would never wish poorly for me. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is because we know each other's intentions. Yeah. I don't know. No, I'm with you for sure. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know. I think that these are all really good tips of how to shift the mindset, make yourself view the positive intention, and it just makes you softer. It makes you have more compassion, more forgiveness, more grace, because people need that, and it just makes you happier in your everyday life. It makes you happier. Yes. Yeah. I feel like it just makes your brain a better place to live in. Yeah. And it makes you. Feel like things are good and it makes you go into the day just feeling like refreshed instead of discouraged. Yeah. Completely agree. I hope that you, as our listeners can really take this and really try to apply it to your own lives. If you were listening to this and you felt. Triggered by it. Reflect on those triggers. Ask yourself why? Because I, I know someone who was saying that from our victim mind set episode. They were like, no, honestly, like I felt like you were just like talking to me. And I was like, oh God. I'm like, well, we definitely weren't. So like, yeah, try to try to figure out why or, and I really do think that this is such a good. Life change thing that you can do for yourself and it doesn't take any work besides reflection and compassion. Yeah, and as always, with episodes like this, we are not experts at this either. We literally, some of the situations that we were talking about we're within the last six months. Mm-hmm. So it's. Something that we're all working on together. Yes. And honestly, when we do episodes like this, it's just a good reminder for us as well. Yeah. To implement these strategies whenever we are interacting with people in our relationships too. Yes. So completely agree. Completely agree. Well, if you guys we're listening to this episode and new or thought of someone immediately send this episode to that person, ask for the accountability. Ask for the grace and, I don't know, share. Share it with whoever needs to be shared with. Yes, please share with friends and loved ones. We always love when you do that. And keep an eye out on our at Failure, your Cups podcast, Instagram and TikTok. Woohoo. Because we, as we shared at the beginning, with all of your fun spring cleaning ideas, we love to interact with you. So yeah, well, that's it for this week. We'll see you guys next week. Cheers.