Real Talk About Jealousy and How to Use it to Your Advantage

Today's episode is all about the REAL and RAW feelings of JEALOUSY that we all get sometimes. It sucks to feel jealous, but those feelings are just feelings... we can use them to our ADVANTAGE rather than letting them keep us STUCK.

In this episode, I share how we can use jealousy as a TOOL to:
1) give us CLARITY
2) show us proof of what's POSSIBLE

The 2 step-plan you need to turn that jealousy into something PRODUCTIVE is to 
1) let it be a SIGNAL that there is some unmet desire in your life - reflect on what this is
2) take ONE TINY ACTION toward that unmet desire

As always, I love you, thank you for listening!

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Don't forget to check out Shared Shelves Book Club pod!

Transcript

0:40

Hello. Thank you for tuning into another episode of the podcast. I'm so happy that you are here. I'm so ready to rise and energize with you. I think that this is gonna be a really good episode. Just a reminder of when we're experiencing jealous feelings and when we're experiencing just that little green monster of jealousy and. How to flip it on its head and notice when jealousy can be a good thing, because I think this is something that we don't talk about a lot where jealousy seems like a really icky, yucky thing. But I was recently talking with someone and she was talking a little bit about how she was like, man, it really sucks because I kind of feel jealous of this person about this thing, and I don't want to air out her dirty laundry on the podcast episode. So I'm not gonna be specific there, but I'll talk about some specific. Instances from my life as we go through the episode, but she was just talking about how, you know, I'm kind of jealous of this person for this specific thing. We're going through like a similar phase of life and I feel like she's doing better with this particular thing and it's making me kind of jealous of her. And I was like, you know, I really don't think that that is a bad thing. I think because the way she was talking about it, she was talking about. Reflecting on it and reflecting on, okay, well why does that bother me so much? And then it also was making her think about different ways to do the thing that she was doing and maybe maybe doing some things that that other person was doing and mimicking those things. So I feel like sometimes we think, oh, jealousy. I have to kind of ignore that feeling. Like if you're getting that nagging sense in the back of your brain, that's like, I don't know. It's kind of that negative sense of. Feeling really nasty about when someone's doing something really well and maybe you don't even realize you're jealous. You, you are kind of like,, you know, like putting them down. Maybe you're diminishing their accomplishment or their success or whatever it is that they have that you don't have, that you're jealous, feeling jealous of I think a lot of the time we feel like that's a really negative thing, and it can be like when jealousy is causing you to either feel really, really bad about yourself with no reflection or action or motion forward, or making you feel like you need to put someone else down or put down their accomplishments. Those are times when it's not the best situation, But sometimes I don't think that we even realize that what we're feeling is jealousy or comparing ourselves or our lives or whatever to them. Because sometimes we're just in the mode where we're like, oh, well she's doing that and I think that's stupid or whatever. And really it's just that you're a little bit jealous and that's okay, but it's only okay in the sense. Of it helps you move forward or helps you get unstuck in whatever that feeling is. Because that's the thing, I feel like when you, when you sit in jealousy and you're stuck in it and you dwell on it and it doesn't, and it like you kind of spiral in it and it doesn't move you forward in any way, that's when it's bad. But jealousy can actually be a really useful tool for us. And I'm gonna talk a little bit about that. So one thing that I feel like. Is useful when we think about jealousy in a way that it can help us in our lives is jealousy can be a sign, it can be a signal, it's a symptom that there's an unmet desire in our lives, right? So this was something that I noticed several months back in my book club. We have a really cute shared shelves Instagram, that's the name of our book club. Shared shelf's Instagram and one of the book club members in our group runs it Lindsay, who is just really good at shouting people out and, and celebrating the girls in our book club and making it really a wholesome, supportive group of friends, which is not always a given with women, quite honestly, but I feel like we all feel like we can really support one another, cheer each other on. And Lindsay, several months back had noticed that there were several girls in the group who had gotten promotions or had made major changes in their jobs, their careers, something like that. And she was like, Hey, if you have made a major change in your job or career, if you've gotten a promotion, if you have switched jobs, or one of our girlfriends. Decided to promote herself to stay at home mom and quit her full-time job. And those were things that we celebrated on the Instagram page. And at the time I remember being like not in a great place with my job and hadn't been in a great place mentally with the way that I felt about my job and the energy that I had around my job. And so it was really, it was actually. A good test for me, it was hard because I remember my gut reaction to everybody sharing about this was like, oh my gosh, that sucks. And feeling bad about myself and also kind of feeling like I, I know that some of these girls are listening to this, so take this with a grain of salt because you know how our brains are. And I'm just gonna be real transparent with you guys because I feel really strongly about being transparent and I don't feel this way anymore, and I didn't feel this way for very long, but there were even, I was noticing my brain doing that thing. Whenever you're kind of jealous of someone where you start qualifying their accomplishments or you start kind of putting them down where you're like, oh, well that wasn't really a promotion, or, oh, well, that like I, I dunno, just kind of yucky thoughts Where you're kind of minimizing their accomplishments so that you feel better about what it, whatever it is that you don't have, that you are jealous of. So I noticed myself doing that, and I had to stop myself real quick and be like, okay, stop. What? Why is this so frustrating to me? And it was really clear at the time because I had been a little bit unhappy in my job for a while, that it was just because I wasn't making progress on. Where I wanted to be and that I was kind of stuck in the job that I was in. And spoiler alert, I am currently unemployed because I finally resigned from a job that was making me really unhappy, and I am on the search. So if you know of something, Let you girl know. But I am actively like interviewing and applying places. But this was something that I noticed at the time. I was like, I love everybody in book club. Like I am extremely excited for all of these people and I think that they are well deserved promotions, well deserved job changes, whatever it is. I felt like they were so, these are women that I think are so amazing and so deserving of what they want in life, and so I had to turn it back on myself and go. Why am I jealous? It's because there's something going on in my life that I want, that I don't have, and that has nothing to do with them or their success or their celebration. So I very quick, I, I just want anybody from book club that's listening to this to know that I was not like putting you guys down at all. Literally, my brain was just running. Like a crazy maniac. And then I had to be like, okay, shush, and let's figure this out. So one thing that I really like about jealousy and how we can use it as a tool is that it can point to clarity. So if you are feeling really. Frustrated about something that someone else has or you are noticing yourself, like someone, something good happens to someone else or like someone else in your life, they're really gung-ho and doing great with their health journey, their health and fitness journey or something. Are you putting them down even just in your brain like I was doing before? Are you saying things to yourself like, well, you know, even though they're eating better, They're probably still not getting enough protein or just something stupid like that, or, yeah, they're working out a lot more, but actually cardio's not the best way to work your body. It's really, they should be strength training. I know that they've gotten really good and started their running journey and they're training for a half marathon or something like that, but actually strength training is really better for them if you're noticing yourself, like critiquing these people not to their faces and hopefully not out loud behind their backs. But even just in your brain where they're doing something that they're excited about and that you should be celebrating, but instead, you're immediately starting to think, go to the negative and think badly about them. That is a sign to pause and go, wait a second. What is it about me and my unmet desires that is making me frustrated by their success? What is that? Because I really think it can point. To clarity and sometimes it can help you come alive to an idea that maybe you. Maybe it's a desire that you haven't allowed yourself to acknowledge or recognize, like maybe it's something that you haven't let yourself dream about in your career or in your health journey or whatever it is. Maybe it's something that you haven't allowed yourself to dream about because you're a little scared that you won't get there and this someone else getting further on that journey or. Getting further along on any journey and accomplishing things. Maybe that's a sign that there is something underlying that you want, that you haven't allowed yourself to come alive about yet, because it's very nerve wracking and starting anything new or making progress on anything takes a lot of work, and that's a scary thing. So that could be a signal to you that there is something going on, something underlying that. You want that you just haven't allowed yourself to want. I don't know if that makes sense, But an example might be, I remember whenever Jared and I got married, my husband and I got engaged, and then we got married four months later. And I remember that there were other people in my life that were like looking at getting engaged or were engaged and hadn't gotten married yet. And I remember people being like. What the heck? Like IDI never would've even thought I could get married after four months.'cause the typical engagement, I don't know, you could Google it. I haven't Googled it, but I think the typ typical engagement length in America is probably about a year, maybe even longer. I'm not sure. Maybe a little shorter, but four months was just really quick at the time that we did it. And now I think that's like usually a pretty quick engagement and it's absolutely doable. But I remember there being people in my life at the time that were engaged and they were like, what? Like that's crazy. And I don't, I don't know that they were jealous of me or anything like that. I'm not saying that, but sometimes whenever someone else does something. Ahead of you or you it in your head. You frame it as they're ahead of you or something and you're like on the same path to getting there. Then sometimes it opens your eyes to like, oh, I didn't even realize that that was something that I could do. And that wasn't something that you allowed yourself to even dream about, like you. Are engaged, but you haven't gotten married because of financial reasons or living circumstances or things like that. And really, it is doable. It is possible, But it didn't feel possible. And so now you're kind of jealous or kind of frustrated about the person that's doing it really quickly. And first of all, you may not even want that. You may just have feelings about that because of what I said about they feel ahead of you. But that's probably pointing to something. It, it could be pointing to just simply like a, a larger value, like in the grand scheme of things, you feel a little bit. You feel like there are still things in your relationship that you haven't worked out? Like maybe there are bigger things in your relationship that are frustrating you right now, and you're not actually upset that you're not married yet, or that you didn't get married in four months after you got engaged. You're actually upset about other things in your relationship and you're not letting yourself realize that those things are. Things that really bother you. Or it could also be that you didn't allow yourself to think like, oh, I could do this in this amount of time, or I could, this could actually be done now. You didn't let yourself be, you know, creative about that in your brain. You kind of limited yourself and the way that you thought about these. Dreams that you have. And so you had some limiting beliefs and now that person is showing you that those beliefs were limited and that can really rub you the wrong way internally until you realize like, okay, what is this pointing to? And that's another thing that I think, so I think that one thing that jealousy is really a great tool for is pointing to clarity and like giving you a signal. Arrow basically to this is what is bothering me, or this is the unmet desire that I didn't realize I had inside of me, or that I haven't given enough attention to. The second thing that I think jealousy is a really good tool for is giving us proof of what's possible. So when someone else. Accomplishes something and it is something that we want or in the general vicinity of what we want. Like maybe I don't want the same jobs that those girls got promoted to in book club, but ultimately I want a career that I'm happy in. I want to not dread my everyday work life. I don't want to, it. It's, I guess for me it's more about what I don't want rather than what I do want, but those girls accomplishing those things, or those girls moving into those things, instead of letting it make it, instead of letting it defeat me or minimize me, it should show me proof of what's possible. Like this person left their job that they hated and they moved to a different job, and they actually got paid more while doing it. Or this person decided that their everyday job was really gonna take away from the family life that they wanted to build. And so they figured out a way to make it work to where she was able to leave the job and be a full-time mom this person really enjoys her company, and wants to continue growing in it, and is moving up into leadership roles and that's proof of what might be possible for me, you know, so when. A leadership role became available. I was like, oh, maybe I can pursue this. Not for me at that company, but those are different people that are showing me different things of what's possible for me. And you do the same thing. So whenever you're accomplishing something and you share that with someone else, I feel like sometimes we do think, oh, I don't, I wanna minimize my accomplishments or not celebrate myself as much because there are these yucky feelings of feeling like I'm bragging, or someone else might not think this is as big of a deal as I do. Or they might not. Like cheer me on as much as I thought that they would or something like that. But really, whenever we accomplish things or really just make big moves that are making us happier and making us more obsessed with our life, this one life that we get, that is showing other people proof of what's possible in their lives too. So sometimes I feel like jealousy can also be a tool to show us proof of what's possible and reinstate belief in ourselves, or borrow belief from someone else who has already done the thing that we wanna do, or is doing a thing like the thing that we wanna do, and borrow belief from them. Jealousy can help point us to that. The last thing I'll say is I feel like the two big steps when it comes to jealousy, like as soon as you notice that you are having yucky feelings about something that is going well for someone else, or you know, someone else getting a new car or someone else losing weight, or someone else starting their family or someone else getting a new pet Or someone else getting a new job or someone else getting promoted, or whatever that thing is, let that gel the first, the first step to helping that jealous or making that jealousy be useful to you and beneficial to you. Is reflecting and figuring out, okay, what is that jealousy pointing to that I want what? And a lot of the time it's not specific to the actual thing that they have. It's like representing something bigger overall. Like maybe what that maybe the thing that you're jealous of is actually the freedom that that person feels financially or it's the confidence to be creative or take on a creative adventure, Or it's the connection that they have with their family or their partner or something like that. Like those are the actual bigger values that that thing is pointing to rather than like someone's new car, it's like you wouldn't be immediately happy if you got the same car as them. There would just be something new to be jealous about, about from someone else, or the same person. But what does that new car represent? It represents stability or financial security or something like that. So. What is the thing that you that, that this jealousy is pointing to? And then step two is just take one tiny little action toward it. Every time that we take a little bit of action towards something that we are yearning for, we are. Telling our brain that we are, we are moving in the right direction, we're moving toward it. We're making little promises to ourselves. I'm going to do this. I'm going to work out today. And then we keep that promise and then it fills up our confidence bank. And that way the next time there's a withdrawal, it's not going, we're not overdrafting, we're not going empty in that bank. So make a tiny little promise to yourself today. Maybe you're thinking of somebody specific, maybe someone you know Just bought their first home or just had their first child or you saw them recently and they were 50 pounds down, or you saw them recently and their skin looks amazing. Or you saw them recently and they told you about their new promotion Whatever it is, let it point you to the thing that you wanna take action toward, and then tell yourself what is like the tiniest action that you can take toward that. Take it right now today. Take it after you log off of this episode. Okay? It's not log off after you stop listening to this episode. And then celebrate that action and then figure out what the next action is. I hope this is helpful for you. I absolutely love talking about these kinds of things and I really hope this is something. That you can take with you into the week, take take with you into your life and just give you a little reframe on that little green monster and how jealousy doesn't have to take over your life and doesn't have to make you spiral and doesn't have to make your brain go crazy. It can actually be a tool for you and it can be useful. So love you. Thank you.