Three-Step Plan for RAS Empowerment

Today's episode was inspired by my most recent favorite personal development book by Mel Robbins, The High Five Habit! 

Even though this episode doesn't focus specifically on the mirror high-five habit Robbins centers around in her book, it narrows in on the RAS (reticular activating system) that she describes in very relatable way starting in chapter 8 of the book. 

In chapter 9, she gives us a 3-step plan for rewiring our RAS to EMPOWER us rather than causing us harm and that's what today's episode focuses on. Just remember:
1. "I'm not thinking about this" negative belief
2. Note to self (about new belief)
3. ACTION that confirms new belief

Love you, thank you!

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Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hello. Hello. Welcome to another episode of the show. I'm so glad that you're here. I like to keep these episodes. I feel like I kind of go through different types of episodes where some of them are a little bit more pep talky, and at the end I want you to feel like, yeah, I can do anything. Or some of them are a little bit more. Tangible step based plans. Like, okay, here's three things that you can do to improve in this thing. Or Here's three things that I'm doing that I think that would help you with your morning routine, or things that are very tangible, kind of step one, step two, step three, and today is a little bit more of one of those step based plans where I have been improving in my own life and learning something from a book that I've been reading that I'll talk a little bit more about, and there was kind of a three step plan that I thought was really, really helpful and I started putting into practice. And when it comes to those plans, I never wanna come on here and be like, you should do this thing that I don't do. So I always kind of practice it myself first. Or if it's something that I just notice that I've been practicing for a while or something that I'm starting and is going well, then I like to share. With you what it is that I'm doing so that I can get better in whatever area of life that that is. So I feel like sometimes I do those pep talky vibes to sometimes I do more of today's vibe where I do like a step 1, 2, 3, or five habits that you can form that will help improve your life, things like that. And then sometimes I come on here and I just talk about kind of something that's. That didn't go well or you know, maybe a conflict that I had or something that, yeah, just didn't go well that I started to reflect on and wanted to share with you so that you can know that you're not alone. Because I feel like a lot of the time something like that happens where I have an altercation with someone, or I have a conflict, or something's not going well at work, or something's not going well in my physical journey or whatever that is. And then I think. You know what? I really need to tackle this, but I bet that there are other people that don't feel like they're doing great in this either. So I wanna come on here and be like, Hey, me too. Let's work on it together. This is what I'm doing that's helping that. So. Today is more of that second category that I mentioned. And the reason that I thought of this episode is because I am currently, I'm on a Mel Robbins kick. I read the Let Them Theory and I really, really liked it. And the, I'm not gonna get too into it because that's not the point of this episode, but if you have not read the Let Them Theory, it's so good. I really loved that book. And so right after I finished that book, I dove straight into the High Five Habit, which is another one of Mel Robbins books. And I think maybe I'm doing them backwards or something. 'cause I think Let Them Theory is her most recent book. Then High Five Habit might be the second one she released. And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Rule is the first one that she released, and I haven't read it yet, but I probably will after I finish. High Five Habit. But all this to say that I'm reading High Five Habit right now, I'm about halfway through. And the core of the book it is about the habit of high fiving yourself in the mirror every morning and just the way that that can change your point of view. And then of course she gets into other things as well. And I'm not really talking so much about the high actual physical high five part of the book, but I was reading and she got into the science and I always get really interested when personal development people bring in cognition and. Analyzing how our brains work and whatnot, because I just find that very fascinating and very empowering because our brains are such a huge tool that we have that we can manipulate. And even though I don't know, is it, is this fake? I feel like I've heard people say that scientists know less about the brain than they do about space or something crazy like that. I don't know. They still don't know a lot about our brain, but the things that we do know about our brain are that it's very. Powerful and that it controls everything that we do, including the. Subliminal or subconscious things like breathing, and then the conscious things like how we interact with people. And the particular part of the brain that Mel Robbins brought into the High Five Habit book that I'm reading is the RAS, the Reticular activating system. And I just found reading about this so interesting. I think I have read about it before, but I've talked on this podcast before about. Confirmation bias and how our brains are wired to find evidence to support the things that we already believe to be true. So the things that we constantly have going in our head that we believe to be true, whether that's the sky is blue or I'm a terrible person, or My husband is the worst, or dogs are scary. It could be anything, right? It could be anything. But our reticular activating system is the thing That's actually the programming in a inside of our brains that supports whenever I say that our brain looks for evidence to support the beliefs that we believe to be true. That's our reticular activating system. And so I wanted to give you a little bit, just a little bit of the science on that, because I'm not a neurologist. I'm not an expert in cognition by any means, but when I was reading about it, it was so interesting and fascinating to me. And very empowering because. This is something that we actually have the power to influence and manipulate to our benefit, rather than letting it be to our detriment. And so if you are watching on YouTube, I might look at my phone a little bit more than usual on this one because I have a couple notes and some things about the reticular activating system that I want to make sure I get right instead of summarizing or paraphrasing, paraphrasing in my own words, and then going back and realizing that. I said something wrong, but at the core of it, the reticular activating system is a network of neurons in the brainstem that acts as the brain's gatekeeper. And that was something that in the book, she compared it to like your laundry filter, like your vent. Um. Not vent your lint filter and how we are constantly having to scrape that out. And the way she said it was whenever our RAS, which is the gatekeeper or the filter, or some people call it the bouncer, when our RAS is clogged up with things that are not great, then it keeps the good things from coming through. And so this is also what causes the selective attention. So I feel like parents talk about this a lot with their kids, how they have selective hearing because your RAS. Specifically only filters through filters, sensory information that it thinks is important to you. But there are a few things that always get through no matter what, like when someone calls your name, that pretty much always gets through because I don't know why the RAS, the bouncer has decided that that's what is important to you. But then the other information that it allows you to consume is what you have told it is important to you. So sometimes we tell ours that things are important to us without really intending to, and that's what we're gonna get into fixing today because a lot of us have unintentionally told our reticular activating systems that certain things are important to us that we don't want to be important to us. And so it's just feeding us back these things that were, we've told it is important to us. And in life, if you think about how much sensory information we get in a day, we have all of these senses, right? Touch, taste, sight, hearing, and smell. And so that's why our RAS exists because it needs to figure out, okay, what kind of words do I pay attention to? What kind of smells do I pay attention to? What kinds of things do I pay attention to seeing and all of that. And so we have to have it. It's important that we have that filter, but we can use the filter to our advantage, and that's what this kind of three step plan is going to help you do. So before we get into three steps. Into the three step plan. I guess it's almost like a four step plan. I still think it's a three step plan, but the homework that you have to do before you can start the plan is that you have to figure out what is the negative mantra that is keeping you holding you back. Because most of us have a recurring thought. Even if you don't realize like you don't know what it is right now, your recurring thought could be just. I'm a bad person or I'm ugly, or people don't like me. I'm not very likable, or I mess everything up. I am a failure. Whatever that negative mantra is, like figure out what it is in your brain first, and then that will help you with the three step plan because you kind of have to know what's holding you back before you can move forward. So think about what it is that at the core of your, like at the core of your being. I feel like I'm saying at the core a lot, but at the heart of your being the thing that you have the most trouble with. The thing that somewhere along the road, probably as a young child, you adopted this belief that you are not enough or that you're not lovable, or that you are hideous, whatever it is. Figure out what that is first, and then we can move forward with the three step plan. Because I act, Mel Robbins put this kind of three step plan into this chapter and I thought it was really powerful and I've started using it the last couple of weeks. And just to be totally honest with you, I. I'm pretty sure that my negative belief is that I'm not enough, it feels a little really vulnerable saying that on this episode right now, honestly. But I think that when I was, when I was reading it, I started reflecting on that for a while and just trying to think about what is the thing that holds me back the most and when I'm wanting to try something new or when I'm in a group of people or something like that. I think the whole thing that holds me back the most is that I just don't think that I'm. I don't think I'm capable enough, or it's almost like no matter what I do, I won't be enough, so then I won't do the thing, if that makes sense. So anyway, so I think that that's what my recycled negative mantra might be. But regardless of what it is, the three step plan can help you move forward and kind of dismantle that belief. And I do feel like it's been helping me in the last few weeks that I've been practicing it. So step one, and I thought this was so fascinating, but. It's so simple. At the same time, sometimes the best things that we can do, they're simple. I don't wanna say they're easy, but they're simple. It's just the simplest thing. So the first thing is Our negative mantra, whatever it is, but our negative thoughts hate to be interrupted, so let's interrupt them as much as we can. So the first step is when you start thinking something along the lines of your negative mantra that's going around in your head, when you start thinking that, catch it and literally out loud, if you're with other people, you don't have to say it out loud, but you can say it in your head or type it out on your phone or something like that. But literally say out loud, I'm not thinking about that. So for me, for instance, whenever I am going about my day and I think about a comment maybe that my friend said and I think, oh my gosh, they don't like me. I'm not enough for them. Da da, da, whatever. I'm not thinking about that. Instead I'm going to think about other things. But the first step is just interrupt that thought. Just, I'm not thinking about that. Or if you really struggle with your body image and you're in front of the mirror and you know how you squeeze your belly fat in between your fingers. I don't know if there are any boys listening to this, but I'm pretty sure most girls do that. I don't know if guys do, but like you, you squeeze your fat between your fingers or you're looking in the mirror and you're thinking, oh my gosh, I have so much cellulite on my thighs. Or winded, did this acne get here? Or whatever. Interrupt it. I'm not thinking about that. Or maybe you struggle with social media in particular. So we just had Easter weekend. I'm actually saying this before, we have Easter weekend, but we just had Easter weekend. I know that for a lot of moms, especially that holidays can be kind of hard to be on social media because you see, oh, this mom's doing this for her kid, and it's almost like a one up thing where, oh, this mom did this Easter basket, or they went to see the Easter Bunny and they did great. Or they. Went and they hit a hundred eggs. I don't even know. What is it I have, I have no idea. But you can get on social media and you can start to feel either jealous about someone's situation or you can start to feel like I'm just not a good mom. I'm not a, I'm, they are better than me at being a mom or you see that someone hosted at their home and you're gonna say, I'm never gonna have enough money to be able to afford a home where we could host like that, or I'm never going to fill in the blank. Right? So whatever that thought is. Stop it and say, I'm not thinking about that and this is gonna be crazy. I did not realize how many negative thoughts I have about myself. It's very sad because I think of myself as a very positive person and like I've been on a self-growth journey for a long time now, and it still is wild. How many negative thoughts go through your head about you? So if you're, if you start practicing this and you find that you think more positive thoughts about yourself than negative, that is freaking awesome. I'm proud of you because. That's amazing. But I've noticed in the last couple weeks since I've been practicing this that when I start to think and I could have thought about myself, I go, I'm not thinking about this. And I've been doing it out loud. And to be fair, I do work fully remote and I don't have a lot of meetings, so. I can just be sitting at my desk thinking about something that happened over the weekend, or thinking about a text that someone sent me or even just looking in the mirror at myself and saying something negative in my head and going, I'm not thinking about that. And the, the thing that I love about this is at first I was like, oh my gosh, I'm telling myself not to think all day long. What am I gonna think about anymore? But it has already decreased a little bit When I first started doing it, I feel like I was going through and all day long, I was just saying to myself, Morgan, you're not thinking about that, or I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about that. And now it's a little bit less, so that's good. But then the second step because you've interrupted the negative thought. The second step is to give yourself a visual cue, a note to self of the belief that you want instead of the negative belief. So if, like I was saying about the, you look in the mirror, you see the cellulite first, like it, instead of that, maybe on the mirror, you can write on a post-it or even just dry erase markers, work directly on mirrors, so you can write on there, I'm grateful I have a strong body, or my health is important to me, or just something positive or. I'm a healthy person. I make healthy choices. I love that one. I've been doing that in the morning. Like I love my body. I'm a healthy person. I make healthy choices. That's a great one that you could do for physical attributes or if it's about I'm a bad mom or I'm a bad person, maybe that's something that wherever you interact with your kids the most, maybe on the front of your fridge you have something that says I am getting better every day, or I am enough just as I am, or every day I get a little bit stronger or I deserve to feel good today. If you're watching on YouTube, I'm actually looking down at my phone because in the High five habit on, in this chapter, I don't know, I need to look at what chapter it is, but whatever chapter it is that she talks about, this three step plan, she actually includes a list of meaningful mantras and just going through some of them, I'm an awesome person. I have my own back. What. This is teaching me something I need to know. Today's going to be a good day. I can handle this, bring it on. What's meant for me is trying to find me, I'm stronger than I think I'm allowed to be a work in progress. My new chapter is just Beginning. The World Needs My Story. There's more. There's even more. I'll include them in the show notes, but she has all these meaningful mantras as examples of what you could put for your visual cue. So if you're having a lot of negative thoughts about yourself in your office When you look in the mirror or in the kitchen or just like when you're interacting with people, you could even make it your phone screen saver. Just put it somewhere so that you have a visual cue and you have that note to self. That's the second step. And then the last step, and you guys are not gonna be surprised by this. I wasn't surprised by this I, but I did feel validated by it. The last step is take a tiny little action that proves that that new belief is true. Because bringing it back to the reticular activating system, it filters out the things that are not important to you. And it filters, it brings in the things that are important to you. And when you take an action, when you do something physically or. Or you just, you take action on something, it tells your brain, it tells your reticular activating system, oh, that's something that's important to me. I'm gonna keep bringing in information like that. So for instance, if it's the health thing, you look in the mirror, you see the note, I'm getting stronger every day, or I make healthy choices. And then you take an action. You say, I'm gonna go fill up my water bottle and drink eight ounces of water, or I'm gonna get up from my desk right now and take a five minute. Lap around the house or something else that confirms this belief to be true, that you make healthy choices, then your reticular activating system is going to help you continue to make those healthy choices. 'cause it's gonna bring in information that makes it easier for you to make those healthy choices. If it's about the bad mom thing or the bad, I'm a bad person thing. Whenever you think, oh, people probably think I'm such a bad person, and you go, I'm not thinking about that. And then you see the note that says, I'm getting better every day. And then you take an action, like you reach out to a friend that's going through a hard time or you get something ready for your kids, then you're taking an action that confirms the belief that you want to be true or that you want to believe to be true, and that you want your brain to continue to remind you is true Your RAS says, oh, that's important. I'm gonna keep bringing in thoughts and sensory information that makes it easier for that thing to be true. I hope this is making sense and I do wanna share a real life example for me, just a quick story time because, if you've been listening to these episodes, you know, I've been doing this 75 hard program, which one of the things is no alcohol for 75 days, and that's, I'm happy making that decision. I'm happy making that choice, But I've discovered that sometimes when I get into a group setting that I think I have this underlying belief when I was talking about I'm not enough. I think this is part of that belief, but I have this underlying belief that people think I'm more fun when I'm drinking or people don't like me as much when I'm not drinking or when other people are drinking, I just need to be drinking. That's the point, you know? So I've noticed that I think I have that belief and so my brain has found evidence to support that to be true. And not only has it found the evidence to support that to be true, it blocks out all other evidence of other things that you don't think are true. So for instance, like we were with a friend for their birthday and I drove and I was happy to drive because hey, I'm not drinking. And we went to this wine bar and we were having a great time and we really enjoyed it and. There. I can't even tell you what it, like, what comments people said about or relating to me, except that one person said, and if you're listening, I'm sorry, but if one person said at some point, yeah, I thought, Morgan, you would be drinking and now I'm bummed that you're not. And what did I do? I, my RIS said, that's important to you because you already believe that to be true. And, I dwelled on that. Like I dwelled on that comment and then I had another occasion where I was hanging out with a different group of people and they were drinking and I drove again, and we were having a grand old time and someone said something about like, oh, well you're doing 75 hard so you're not drinking. Like, kind of made a comment about it and really they did not mean it. Near to the severity that I probably took it because my brain is already telling me, you're not enough. People don't like you as much when you're drunk. You're not as fun when you're not drinking. All of those things. And I read this chapter later on afterward and I thought, oh my gosh, there were probably so many other things that I missed and that I chose not to focus on. Because my brain was confirming that belief to be true, and once that thing happened, that confirmed that belief to be true. I focused on that instead of focusing on all the other things like, first of all, people love it when you dd they said, thank you to me profusely for driving. Thank you for driving. Thank you for driving. Right? Nope. RAS said The bouncer in my brain, the gatekeeper in my brain, the filter in my brain said. No, it's not important to Morgan that people like her when she's not drinking, it's important to her that they don't like her when she's not drinking. So I'm gonna block out that information that supports the belief to be true, that they like her when she's not drinking. Even if I wasn't driving though, We had tons of fun, we had great conversation. I could have paid more attention to when people were liking the stories I was telling, or when PE or people just enjoying my company and all of that chopped liver in my brain, like my RAS said, that's not important at all. So it had been like two weeks since I had the last occurrence where someone had said something like that. And then I was going to a group gathering where I was, again, I was dding a couple people, everybody was drinking and I wasn't. And that was. Again, like I'm happy with that choice until I'm worried that it makes people like me less. It's a me thing. But then I noticed that because I've been privately, personally reworking this in my brain, and I read this chapter since that last time and I went, oh, that's what's happening. This last time I went out with this group of friends and. People had made comments about the fact that I wasn't drinking, which I think I would've focused on way more, but I've been repeating that I'm enough, no matter what. Or even before this, I was saying people enjoy my company even when I'm not drinking. And what I noticed, what my RI swear to you, this is so crazy to me, it probably doesn't sound that crazy to you, but what my RAS picked up was someone made a comment that said, Morgan, I love how you're matching the vibe and the energy without the alcohol. And that made me feel so good. I realized when I went home, I was like, oh my gosh. My brain paid attention to that comment because it confirmed the belief. I've been telling myself that you're so fun whether you're drinking or not, and people like being around you, whether you're drinking or not. And those other comments about me not drinking, didn't really get through the same way. Like I didn't focus on them at all. I was way more focused on the positive one. So I'll just say, I know that was kind of a long story, but, but all this to say that you can use your RAS to your advantage, and I feel like this three step plan will be really helpful for you because it's been really helpful for me so far, even in just silly little trivial ways. But just imagine how you could use it to your advantage in bigger ways. So I love you. Thank you.