People Pleasing & Justin Bieber's Coachella Performance

Justin Bieber's Coachella performance has been in all of my headlines this week and the thing that has me SO interested is the fact that EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT OPINION! (I, of course, absolutely love him and every performance of his.)

However, this reminds me of the fact that the SAME action can gain you PRAISE while also attracting CRITICISM. No matter what we do, SOMEONE is bound to disagree with it, the same way someone is bound to agree with it... So we might as well do what brings us the most joy!

This episode is all about how we can spot when we are people pleasing and REMIND us that we don't need to do that! We just need to LET OTHERS think, act, feel how they want and LET ME think, act, and feel what is trueest to me.

BIG CAVEAT: being TRUE to you should NOT harm anyone else. This is not permission to do whatever the f*ck you want at others' expense, it's a permission slip and reminder to be yourself and pick the joyful road, not the obligatory one!

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Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Hello. Hello. Welcome to another episode of the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. I'm talking about something very topical and in current events today, so if you like that, I am really excited to talk about it. My goal is to talk about it and then also tie it into. Personal growth, self-development, things like that, that I really enjoy talking about on this episode. So I hope you really enjoy that. If you are a believer, then I really hope that you enjoy this episode because it is about Justin. So I'm excited about it. But whether or not you're a believer, you can probably gain something from this episode. So I encourage you. Even if you don't love Justin Bieber to continue listening and listen all the way to the end, it does help. Especially, I don't know if you guys know this, but as a podcaster, I've learned that when people start your podcast, that counts as a download and that's great, but there's also a stat for if people are listening all the way through your podcast. And so if you are listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, it is really helpful when you actually listen all the way through. And these are only, you know, 15 to 25 minute. Podcast episodes, so hopefully you find that it's doable. I feel like I'm usually your buddy. I, I, I picture myself as your buddy. Whenever you're getting ready in the morning or you're in your car on your way to work or taking your kid to daycare or something that you're, maybe you're making a sourdough loaf and you want some entertainment while you're. Doing your stretching folds or putting together your dough or something like that. If you have not been listening recently, then just little context there. I've been really into sourdough lately, so that's why I'm mentioning that. But regardless of what you are doing, I hope that you listen all the way through the episode and I hope that you gain something from it. And if you do, please as always, share it with someone else. I really, really appreciate it. Whenever you share with someone else, if you have a Bieber. Fan in your life, send this to them. If there's someone that when Believer is mentioned, you think of them, please send it to them. I would absolutely love their thoughts and opinions and to talk more about it. So with all that said, I'm going to get into the episode and I am talking about. Justin Bieber's performance at Coachella. I just felt like I had to because everybody's talking about this this week. And the funny thing is, you guys, I, so I was never a hater of Justin's back when he first came out. I loved him. I loved baby, I loved one less lonely girl. All of those really early songs and music from him when his voice hadn't quite dropped yet and he was on YouTube and He was a sensation. All of a sudden he was everywhere. But then as soon as you gain that much popularity, you gain just as much hate, right? So I was never a hater. I was never critical of him. But I also was never a super fan. I had a friend in college who was definitely a super fan, loved him, probably genuinely believed that she was gonna marry him at some point in her life, was in all the chat rooms and fan clubs and all of those things. And just was obsessed with him. So I'm probably somewhere in the middle and that's why I feel like I can talk about this from a pretty neutral perspective, I guess, because I do like him. I have been to one of his concerts before, and I'm not gonna lie, I think that it, I often say it was one of my favorite concerts that I've been to because he was just so, it was so clear how talented he was. But then obviously some of the criticisms, if you haven't heard some of the criticisms of his. Most recent performance at Coachella, which is why everybody's talking about it, are about his performance being, when he did some of his past music, he just kind of pulled up YouTube videos and sang along with them. And a lot of people are saying that that was kind of a lazy performance. He didn't put as much into it. Justin Bieber, he knows he's a name, that he can just, he can just collect a check and he doesn't have to do very much. And so he didn't give as good of a performance as most people would. Whatever. I don't necessarily agree with those things, but what I'm gonna get into the episode is not necessarily specifically about Justin Bieber, but specifically about that feedback that you get from other people and how it affects and impacts the way that you interact with the world and how you can pay attention to those things and then improve the way you interact with the world. Because sometimes I really think that we take the, this feedback from the world and we. Respond to it and we adapt to it and we're flexible with it. And some of those can be good things, but then sometimes it just turns into this unnecessary people pleasing and we're changing ourselves for other people. And at the end of the day, we don't even know who we really are because the person that we are is just a culmination of what we think other people want us to be. And that's what I'm gonna get into in this episode, is really about how Justin Bieber made me think about. People pleasing. So let's start from the beginning. I do wanna say that prior to Justin's actual performance at Coachella, maybe you're like me. I genuinely didn't even know. I'm kind of ashamed to admit I didn't even know he was headlining Coachella. I didn't know Sabrina Carpenter was either to be fair, and she did the day before him, but I didn't even, I wasn't aware at all. And then once he did his headline performance the next day. I was getting tons of messages and group chats. Oh my gosh. I love this about Justin's performance. It was so beautiful. Does anybody have the link? I'm just sitting there like, wow, I didn't even know he was performing. And then on Instagram, if you have Instagram or Facebook or TikTok or somewhere like that, perhaps you had other people in your life the way that I did that were sending you videos and clips and what the therapist says about Justin Bieber's performance at Coachella. And. Not Justin Bieber addressing his inner child at Coachella and just all these things. There was so much sensation about it and I was like, wow. People loved his performance. And I had a group chat in particular with that friend I was talking about who was a super fan, that she was one of my really good friends in college and still is. And in that group chat, they were just talking about how beautiful it was and how much everybody loved it, and I hadn't even seen it yet because. I just didn't, like I said, I'm not a super fan. I like his music a lot, but, and I was, I would never hate on him. I think he's extremely talented. Like I said, I've been to one of his concerts, but also I wasn't, I wasn't dying to see his performance at Coachella. I didn't even know that he had a performance at Coachella. So I'm somewhere in the middle, and so all of a sudden I got all of this, all of these videos and whatnot, just feedback about Justin Bieber's performance. I was like, wow. I'm so proud of him. That's amazing. Good for him. And then I'm sitting, and Jared and I hadn't talked about this yet, but then Jared and I are, I'm sitting reading my book while he's gaming. If you don't have a gamer, husband rooms scape, there's like a new version out or something. I, I don't even really, I can't even really tell you. It's like a new game mode, I think. And so he's been really into that. But that came out, I think it's been like the same week that Justin Bieber headlined Coachella. Anyway, regardless, he was gaming, I was reading, and he just says to me, out of nowhere, Morgan, have you heard anything about Justin Bieber at Coachella? And I said, oh my gosh, yes. Have you? And he said, yeah, I, a lot of people are really critical. A lot of people really didn't like his performance. And I said, wait, what? That is not the. Media that I'm getting. That's not the, the feedback that I have been reading or the general consensus of the people that in my inner circle, I guess, that have been sharing things with me, I, everything has been super positive. And he said, oh yeah, people are really criticizing this and that and this and that. And particularly the whole lazy performance part of it. I'm, if you're watching on YouTube, I'm doing a quote unquote, but lazy performance. Of it and the fact that he didn't do a full performance like he has done in the past. And I just wanna say this episode is not about unpacking Justin Bieber's performance or anything like that. I don't, I don't wanna necessarily be like, it was good or it wasn't bad. I really, I think it was good. But you can have your own opinion. It, it doesn't matter one way or the other. Again, you can still listen to this episode and get something from it. But all that to say, I was just really shocked and very surprised whenever Jared said most of the feedback that he was reading was negative. And then he did talk to one of his friends on Discord. Again, if you don't have a gaming husband, discord is like a chat service that they can use. And it's also if you have a headset, they can talk to each other on it in real time, which I actually love for him because he can like hang out with his friends in the most introverted way possible. All that aside, hi. One of his friends on Discord was saying that he really liked the performance and so there's just all this mixture of performance and reviewing and whatnot. And in that group chat that I was in, they were talking about how a lot of, a lot of people felt like it was a point against femininity and that. Hi. You know, a, a female artist could never do that. And there were just so, just so many points, right? Like all of a sudden there's all of these conflicting arguments about what you know, was Justin Bieber's performance good? Was it lazy? Was it entertaining? Was it, was it feminist? Was it not? Was it misogynist? Like what? That's so many opinions. And of course if you're Justin Bieber level of fame, you're gonna have all of those opinions, right? He's experienced it when, since he was a kid, which. I honestly do feel really bad for kid actors or kid celebrities because when you grow up in that world, I'm sure it's so challenging when not only the best things about your life are in media, in the news and all that. Everybody knows every detail of the best parts, but especially the worst parts of your lives. 'cause there's so, I don't know, click Beatty. And so I do feel bad for him for that, but. Justin Bieber, like as a human and as his performance aside, what it reminded me of is something that I've been working through and learning myself, and that is when you have people pleasing tendencies like I do, or maybe some of you listening do. Something that can really affect you is when you are really agonizing over what people will think of something that you're doing or something that you're saying, or whatever it is that you are encountering if it's a decision that you're making, if it's a decision about where you're gonna live or your job or your partner or it could be any kind of thing and we agonize over what other people are gonna think of us. And that is something that I've really been working on and I know I've talked a lot about Mel Robbins recently because I've been reading her books and I just finished High Five Habit, but something from the book I read previous to that the Let Them Theory, I would recommend any of her books. Honestly, I'm on the five, four or five second rule, whatever that book is. I'm on the five second rule now. But the Let Them Theory book. Was really, really good. And especially if you are, if you do have those people pleasing tendencies, I would definitely recommend it. But one of the things, one of the examples that she gave as she was going through this and how you can maybe help yourself to say, let them think what they're gonna think, and then let me be myself and respond how I want to respond or act how I wanna act. Like my actions are separate from what other people are doing. And one of the examples that she gave was she was really struggling because she had a friend who was doing like, kind of like a lake trip or beach trip or something like that, where a bunch of girls got together and they did a weekend trip for her birthday. And then, and I might be, I might be remembering this wrong, so read the book, but the idea is gonna be the same. But her friends were having this birthday weekend and they rented out a house and it was gonna be really fun. But the same weekend was, I think her grandma's birthday or something of that sort. And so she was trying to navigate and they don't live close together. They live like three hours apart, or the house that they booked was three hours apart and grandma lived three hours away. So anyway, so she was really struggling with what to do here. 'cause she really wanted to be there for her friend and her grandma. And sometimes we make decisions and we, we decide I'm gonna try to do it all and try to do both just because we want to please everyone. But she truly did. She wanted to be there for her friend and wanted to be there for her grandma. So she, what she chose to do was drive the three hours to the house for her friend's birthday and stay there Friday night and I think maybe part of Saturday. And then she drove back to Grandma Saturday and saw her Saturday. And what? And she was really happy. Like, oh, I was able to do it all. I was able to see my friend and celebrate her. And I was also able to see my grandma and celebrate her. And what she found out later, which just makes me so sad for her because I know I would be livid. But what she found out later was that both of them felt like they didn't get enough time with her. Like her, she found out later that her friend had said something like, what? Why did she even come if she was just coming Friday night? And then her grandma also said something Similar about it and all this to say, so the Justin story and then the Mel Robbins friend grandma story, all of us to say that no matter what, like you can do the same act, the same action can result in praise or criticism, no matter, like, no matter what action it is, someone will probably not like it and someone probably will like it and. That's why at the end of the day, you have to do what honors you and what is most true for you. And that was something that was something that I really liked about the ex very real example that she gave about her grandma and her friend in the book. Because she said even, even knowing the negative criticism, she was proud of herself because she felt like, you know, I wanted to put the value on my friendship. And that was one way that I did that. And then I also wanted to put value on family and my relationship with my grandma and I did that. And whether or not they agree with that, that is something that I did and I felt good about. Now, if she had felt like obligation to go to her friend's thing and like she didn't actually care that much about her friend and she didn't, and she went anyway, that wouldn't really be true of herself, right? It would be False. It would be fake. It would be ingenuine and off inauthentic and so. You could have the exact same situation, but it'd be a totally different, but the way that you react is totally different. But the whole point is someone is not going to like something that you do regardless, so you might as well do the thing that brings you joy. Now, I wanna caveat this with. Things that bring you joy should not bring other people harm. I'm not saying do whatever the fuck you want. Sorry, if you have little ears in the car or wherever you are, but I'm not saying do whatever the f that you want at others' expense and not care about anybody else because you do. I mean, you're not in charge of other people's feelings, but if you're being intentionally rude, then that's not okay. But be yourself. Be authentic, be genuine. Do what brings you joy also. Make sure that what brings you joy is not bringing others harm, because that that shouldn't be the case. So I wanna really briefly go through signs of living for others or kind of major people pleasing in your life. And if you resonate with these, then maybe this is your time to reflect and try to use that. Let them think and act and do whatever they want and let me act what is most true of myself. So the first sign, and this is one that I know very dearly because I do it, but the first sign is overexplaining your choices. So this is something that I can very much resonate with. And especially when I'm coordinating an activity or a get together, which I like to do a lot. I'm a planner. I love to plan activities and gather. I'm a gatherer. I love to gather people together and when I make a decision like, oh, we should go here, or, oh, we should invite these people, or, oh, this is the food that I wanna bring, or something like that, I find myself explaining well, and this is why I thought and Well, I just thought this and I just thought that. And even when I'm on my walks with Jared, my husband, sometimes I'll say, well, I thought this and that led me here, and blah, blah, blah, and it's like they don't need to know all that. You can just make the decision and decide I think that this would be a really fun vibe and this is the vibe that I'm going for. Great. You don't have to explain that to anybody. Make the choice and move on with it. Like have an opinion and move on with it. Another sign is feeling really guilty. Whenever you say no. This is an immediate indication that you are struggling with people pleasing tendencies because when you say no, you should feel confident enough in yourself to be able to say no to something if it doesn't align with what you want. And if it's not something that's a priority to you. Another sign is making decisions based off of others, and then kind of a sub sign of that, I guess, is feeling resentful because you've betrayed your own wants and needs by making decisions based on others. So for example, in the scheduling thing that the, that Mel Robbins was talking about with going to her friends or going to her grandma's if she felt obligation and to either one of those. And made the decision based off what she thought that person wanted, instead of thinking, okay, I'm making this decision based off of what I want to be like as a friend, or what I want to be like as a granddaughter, or the relationship that I wanna have with my grandma. If that wasn't the case, if it was more like, well, I'm making this decision because I think my friend wants me to, or I'm making this decision because my grandma always makes me feel guilty if I don't, that's not being true to yourself. And then what it turns into is you're. Driving to and fro all weekend and you feel stressed and chaotic and what, what do you immediately do? You blame your friend or you blame your grandma and you think, well, if my grandma would just have scheduled another weekend, or if my grandma just wouldn't always make me feel guilty about it, then I wouldn't be in this situation. And really the reason you're in that situation is 'cause you put yourself in that situation. You made those choices, you're an adult, so take accountability for them. So. I don't know if that sounded kind of harsh, but mostly I'm speaking to myself when I talk about these things. Mostly I'm speaking to myself because I do have people pleasing tendencies and I'm working on them, and I'm working on making decisions and thinking if I say, if I respond this way or if I act this way, or if I make this decision, choose to do this thing, is that true of what I want to be like as a person or is that true of my values and my priorities? And does that align with the life that I want? To lead. And, I just hope that this little reflection on Justin Bieber's performance and the fact that someone's gonna have problems with you no matter what, like hopefully that doesn't, that isn't something for you to dwell on. It's not discouraging to you. It's kind of like a breath of fresh air. Like, okay, once I realize that someone's going to, someone's not gonna like something that I do no matter what. That gives you freedom to do. Whatever you want. Again, not at the detriment of others, not in a way that hurts others, but it does give you the freedom to be yourself and so. Once you realize oh, the quiet me gets judged, but so does the bold me and the productive me gets judged, but so does the relaxed me or the fit me gets judged. But the fat me. Also does, that was kind of, taboo that I said that, but regardless of what it is or the single me gets judged, I'm always being asked, oh, when you gotta find a guy or whatever. But then the me that is in a relationship, he's never good enough or the apartment. Me, everyone's like, oh, when gonna get a house? When gonna get a house? But then once I get a house, they're like, oh, how can you afford that or, I don't like the location that you pick. It's just, it doesn't matter. People are gonna judge you regardless of what you are or aren't doing. So you might as well do what brings you joy and brings you energy. It makes you feel alive. And of course there is balance. This isn't just do whatever you want at others' expense. It's being authentic without putting others down. So I hope this is helpful. I hope you enjoyed it. Again, send this to your favorite believer and I will talk to you next week. Thank you. Love you.