When the Excitement of “NEW” wears off, do this

Judge me for this, resisting the Xanax urge today 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

What's up you guys? Welcome back to the Dopamine Diaries podcast. Okay, so I don't think you are ever going to hear, especially from, no, not from anybody who like coaches or runs a business or like wants to maintain a certain image. I don't think you're ever going to hear an episode like this from anyone else. But I don't know why, because I don't know who listens to this podcast. Like I can't see the names. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. for now. So podcast episode title, When Your Business Drives You to Want to Take Xanax. Yes, that is happening. So if you've been listening to the podcast, if you are on my close friends list on Instagram, you would know. And even if not, if you listen to like the last couple episodes, especially the one where I celebrated the big milestone, and I just kind of talked about like, I'm in this next season of business that is new, that is scary, and that requires a lot of work. So sure enough, Right at the beginning of that, what was I feeling? Excitement, courage. delusional confidence. It's going to get done. It's going to be great. And all of that is still true. But guess who has also entered the fucking chat? Freeze. Freeze. The freeze response. And I'm laughing because truly laughing is the only way to cope with how just real I'm about to be on this episode. Because again, this is the type of stuff that I wish people would fucking talk about. Because every time I talk about it, I am told that it makes other people so seen. Guess what? Your problems likely are not unique to you. The things that you're struggling with, whether that's in your career, at home, in relationships, in your own business, they are not unique to you. They are universal problems that people have too much shame wrapped up in openly talking about. And trust me, I was going to record this episode three hours ago and guess what talked me out of it? My shame, my embarrassment, my like, how dare I admit this? But the reality is my courage Thank you so much for tuning in. The weekend away from work, let me take some time. I think space will probably just like reset me. And I always love a fresh week. I love a fresh Monday, right? We tell ourselves that. Guess what? The weekend did not reset me. I still feel very out of control. I still feel very just like, the best way I could describe it is this. The work that I actually need to do is not actually hard, but there's no dopamine. And here's what I want you guys to understand about a freeze response. So when I say freeze response, all I mean is fear has come in and it has become so overpowering that like you physically feel so blocked from doing what you know you need to do, but you can't fucking stop thinking about it. I like to describe freeze as one foot on the gas, one foot on the brakes. It's a very like clusterfuck feeling to be in. And again, people find themselves in this state all the time, but because Because logically, you know, none of these things that you're avoiding are actually hard. That's where shame comes in. And we make it mean something about us, right? And the biggest piece of advice I hear from coaches, mentors, all of that, everyone always says like, well, don't make it mean something about you. Like, okay, Sharon, how the fuck do we not let like, how do I actually do that? So I want to walk you guys through how I'm actually making my current freeze response not mean anything about me to the point where I do not even care to admit to you guys that I want to take a Xanax so bad today just to take the fucking edge off. I'm going to instead go to McDonald's and get a fountain diet Coke because that also takes the edge off in a bit more productive way. But here's how I'm working through my freeze response, okay? None of the work that I actually have to do is hard. However, I'm overthinking it because... I want it to be perfect. So like that very familiar lever of like being all or nothing. Well, it has to be completely perfect or it can't be done is coming in. The other thing that's coming in is logically when we are in a freeze response, what do we want to search for? Dopamine. Why? Because dopamine is going to make us feel better than fucking frozen, right? So where do we typically find dopamine? by controlling things, by trying to fix things, by trying to find solutions to the problems that we're presently facing. But the reality is the freeze response that I'm in right now, there's no dopamine that exists. Not in a way that's actually going to move me forward. In fact, I have to basically give up that need and that desire to receive some dopamine, to receive some relief around this very, very obvious discomfort that I'm feeling. And instead I have to say, okay, I am just going to fully acknowledge and be okay with the fact that this is the response that I'm having. And I'm not gonna shame it. And I'm not gonna make it mean something about myself. And the biggest way that I'm doing that, believe it or not, is walking the fuck away from my work for the rest of the day today. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make, and I used to do this all of the time when I would like find myself in this like freeze response of, oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, but I can't do it. Is I would think that by trying to control it or by trying to fix it or by trying to just like enhance the pressure like well i just really need to focus i'm gonna like force myself to focus it would always make it worse one of the best things that i ever learned was when i'm in these states i need to walk away because i'm not ever going to create or produce or do the good work when i'm in this state i'm better off to minimize some of that pressure until I can feel myself shift out of the freeze response that I'm in. Now, how do I know when I've shifted out of it? Well, one, when it doesn't feel so fucking scary anymore. Why does writing an ad feel so scary? It's illogical, right? It's an ad. Who fucking cares? You guys, well, you probably will see it, but like Right now, it's got this crazy feeling of anxiety around it. That is a freeze response of the nervous system that's giving me that language of this feels scary. It's not scary. And until I shift my body out of this state that it's in and maybe come into something that is a bit more play oriented, maybe come into something that honestly is a bit more mobilized and activated and like, fuck it, man. I'm so tired of struggling with this. I'm so mad. I'm so tired of getting in my own fucking way there's a little bit of like mobilization and action that can come from that place until I get myself out of this freeze freeze response and until suddenly this thing that feels so scary that's just writing a fucking ad doesn't feel so scary anymore that's what I'm gonna know like that's when you know when you've shifted out of it I'm gonna walk away from my work today and I don't think many people would admit that because like I mean, it's probably not the best like marketing strategy to say like, hey, when I'm really having a work block or when I'm really like questioning if I'm doing the right thing, I actually walk away from it because most people will probably look at that like, well, how the hell are you ever getting it done? Well, because I'm giving my body exactly what it needs, which is less pressure because it's feeling a fuck ton of manufactured pressure right now and I don't need to add more to that. This is why I want to reach into my bag and grab a Xanax. This is why I just spent the last hour doing a bunch of other busy work that didn't even need to get done. This is why I just watched a YouTube video of some fucking vloggers that I don't even know who they are, but it killed 20 minutes and it gave me 20 minutes of avoidance of the work I needed to be doing, which guess what? Felt like fucking relief. I'm putting too much pressure on it. So I have to walk away. The reality is I have to walk away. And guys, the other thing is this is a very natural progression of what happens when we start to do new work that is kind of like uncharted territory. The very first stage of it is I'm super fucking excited. I can't wait to get going. How many times do you guys like sign up for something or you commit to a coach or whatever it may be? And it's like, you are fucking all in. It's the best thing ever. You know, you're going to crush it. And then day three rolls around and you're like, I don't even want to read this message from her. I'm just going to avoid. In fact, I'm going to run away. I'm going to ghost. I'm not even going to open up the thing. I just can't do it. Here's the part that I wish you guys... would realize about that exact cycle and that exact struggle. Before I really started to decode, like decode the states of my body and really understand what those states of my body meant and what they needed and how I actually needed to manage myself. Before I knew how to do that, which P.S. HBA taught me how to do that, which is why I teach so many women how to do it right now. Shameless plug. Before I realized how to address this cycle, what would happen was I'd be really gung-ho really fucking excited about something started immediately panic immediately spiral not be able to explain what was happening and avoid it so fucking hard that before I knew it it was a long distant memory of a goal that I once used to have there was no like there was no thought process available for me to even understand what I was feeling it was just this like Chronic starting and stopping. Chronic starting and stopping. And then just like in the back of my mind, having this growing list of things that like I kind of gave some effort to, but then I just assumed that there was some bigger reason why I couldn't do it. Guys, believe it or not, that is what fuels that inner self-critic more than anything else. More than the household that you grew up in, more than the shitty relationship that you had. All of the cycles of super excited, freeze because it's completely new and it's completely uncomfortable and you're supposed to freeze. Your system is supposed to kind of lock up when you're trying to do something brand new. And then because you don't know how to handle that lock up, you just completely fucking walk away. Those repeated things of that cycle... That is what is fueling that inner language that says, I'm just never going to get this figured out. It's just not for me. I'm just going to stay at the level that feels a bit more comfortable. Guys, the reality is I could not write a fucking ad. I could not build a funnel and I could still live a very comfortable life and have a successful business. I could walk away from it right now. I could sabotage it right now. I could sabotage it because that's an easier way for me to feel what? Control, relief, and dopamine, which would do what for the state that I'm in right now? Completely eliminate the freeze feeling that I have. Did I think about it today? Abso-fucking-lutely, I did. I literally had a thought today that said, no, you know what? It's just not the right time for these things. No, bitch, it's been the right time. You just have to get better at giving up the need to fix everything and giving up the need to be so like knee-jerk reaction to, I don't feel good. I feel uncomfortable. I feel scared. Where's my dopamine? Where's my dopamine? Where's my dopamine? Where's my relief? No, I have to get better at tolerating the fact that doing new shit is a bit uncomfortable. And sometimes that discomfort doesn't actually need to be fixed. There is no fix. There is no fix. There's only feeling it more, learning it more, responding to it more, not trying to eliminate it. The freeze response of our bodies happens for a reason. It's It's not a bad response to have, but if you don't know what to do about it, that's where you stay stuck in the cycle of, I got really excited about something and then I gave it up because, well, I couldn't even tell you why I gave it up. I just gave it up. In fact, man, I really don't remember why I gave it up at all. I just remember, I don't know, it must have just been this reason. Oh, it just must not have been a good time. No, you fucking froze and you didn't know what to do with that feeling. So you went and you reached for the nearest source of dopamine, which for most people is giving up. Sabotage, controlling our failures, that feels fucking good, bro. It feels so much better than just trusting the very unknown, uncharted territory of our success and our potential and the opportunity that is ahead of us. That is the message that I really want to tell you guys today. Am I going to take this annex? No. I kind of want to, but I'm not going to. Do I feel a little bit of like imposter syndrome sharing this episode? Sure fucking do. I coach on this. I should have it figured out, right? I do have it figured out. The reality is I am not designed and you are not designed to ever do enough healing and personal development work that you never have a freeze response or that you never second guess or that you never spiral. It's how are you managing the spirals? It's how are you managing the freeze responses? I said this on the HBA live call last night. HBA, my coaching, everything that I teach is not meant to fix these things that you're struggling with. It's meant to help you feel safe while you are in the struggle. That way you actually give your body and your system what it is fucking screaming at you for. Today, my system is screaming at me. Hey, bitch, you have been putting so much pressure on yourself since Friday. You thought about it all weekend. You thought about it all morning. You didn't sleep. It's literally all you're thinking about. Give us a moment. And also the other thing that's coming up for me is I want it to be perfect so bad. So it's honoring the fact that like the all or nothing muscle for me is like firing really heavily, which makes sense. I'm grasping for control. Well, if I can make it perfect, well, then I can control it. But the reality is perfect doesn't exist. So it would never get, it would never get done. So I can like recognize that and honor that and give myself permission to do it imperfectly, to give myself permission to trust that the dopamine that I'm searching for is on the other fucking side of putting out work that in my eyes would be deemed as imperfect because I actually put it out versus stayed excited about it and then panicked and gave up on it. Do you see how that works? Do you see how that works? I'm going to go get my McDonald's Diet Coke. I'm going to listen to my favorite playlist in the car and I guarantee that by the end of the day that will have taken off so much of the pressure and also by putting out this episode, I'm naming it. I'm exposing it. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable in what? The very messy middle of doing new shit that requires new levels of who you are. You can copy paste, apply this exact topic that i just said to anything in your life that you at once felt some form of excitement for but then gave up for some unknown reason but it was just a feeling i don't know it just felt hard it just felt hard notice how the language that we give all of these things is not well i think it's hard i gave up because my brain told me it was hard no you gave up because it felt hard and you can't even actually fully describe and articulate why that resistance is there it's felt in the body it's felt in your nervous system most people only address the mindset Last thing I'm going to say, because this is a side tangent. I'm so fucking tired of all of the new mindset coaches coming out in the fucking space right now that took like a six week brain certification and now suddenly think that they have what it takes to move people through their problems. You do not move people through your problems and you do not move through your problems through brain work alone. You need brain and body. You absolutely need both because again, logically, my brain knows that the work that I'm avoiding right now is not hard, but my body is convinced It's a nuclear fucking bomb. The brain strategies, the brain hacks will do nothing. Will do nothing to touch the very physical response that we have to change and to discomfort and to our unknown levels or our unknown potential and success. That's what I have today. Bye guys.