Is Business/Your Career Personal? Should there be Separation?

If you follow me on Instagram, you may or may not have seen this. But I shared yesterday that I was going to record a podcast about a specific topic.

And that topic is the conundrum that happens when something is not going the way you want it to in your business or career, and how it compounds into the beliefs you have about who you are as a parent, as a wife, as a friend.

In this conversation, I'm talking about your inability to feel safe in the dips and why the ebbs and flows of work leak into what you think your value is at home.

I share my story of dismantling my entire business when I got pregnant, the cycle of being aware of what's happening but not being able to do anything to come out of it, and what somatic safety actually is.

If you get stuck in these cycles and don't know how to meet yourself within them. If people keep telling you to be a more present parent but nobody is actually saying how. If you logically know what you need to do but you can't get yourself physically to do it.

It's not a mindset problem. It's a body problem.

And if you have all this self-awareness without somatic safety, it's kind of like having a PhD in drowning. You can name what's happening very well, but you still can't breathe.

HBA: https://www.mnmfitnessco.com/hba

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Doping Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. If you follow me on Instagram, you may or may not, the algorithm's being kind of weird too. So you may follow me, but you may not have seen this on my stories. But I shared yesterday on my Instagram stories that I was going to record a podcast today about a specific topic. And that topic is a conundrum that happens when I'm going to use the example of being a business owner because it's relevant to me, but like please keep in mind that even if you're not a business owner, this also applies to your career. So, but it's the conundrum that happens when something is not going the way that you want it to, either in your business or your career. And then what happens is it compounds into the beliefs that you have about who you are as a parent, as a wife, as a friend. So really it's the lack of separation that sometimes happens between when we're succeeding at work and when we're not succeeding at work, and specifically when we're not succeeding at work, or when it just feels like things aren't going our way, how it starts to like leak into how we show up outside of it and why this happens. So I'm gonna talk about that, but I want to first kind of explain just from like my experience, how this has shown up for me. And then I'm gonna talk about why this happens so much for people and some of the things you guys can start doing. So, for those of you that don't know, some of you do, my daughter, I have one child. My daughter will be two years old in a couple months. So I have been a mom in the flesh for two years, but I've technically been a mom for, you know, almost three, however, you want to do the math. But so this is my experience from almost two years of navigating both motherhood, being a wife, being a friend, being a sister, being me, just to me, like being my coolest friend to myself, and my job, my work, my career, which is I am a business owner. A lot of you guys know that. So when I gave birth, I'm gonna kind of go back a little bit because I think it's important for context. I started coaching and I mostly did one on, I mean, I did all one-on-one for the first couple of years being a business owner. And then when I got pregnant, I knew immediately, I knew immediately that things were gonna have to change because the way that I was supporting that many one-on-one clients, I mean, that was all that I did. And it made sense because I didn't really have any other like major responsibility. So it was fine for me to be that available to that many people all of the time. But when I got pregnant, we weren't like trying to get pregnant. So it was pretty unexpected for me. I wasn't planning on it. You know, I probably, I don't know when we would have decided to have a kid, to be honest with you. It's it's just hard to speculate, but it was a complete surprise. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like the day after I found out is when the realization hit me that so many things needed to change within my work because there was no way. There was no way, there was no way I was going to be able to be that available throughout postpartum, and then even, you know, into the first couple years of her life because we didn't have childcare for the first trunk of her life. So I knew I was gonna be home. And I just, it just the energy balance. I was like, I something has to change. I have to completely change my whole business. So I stopped renewing and I definitely stopped bringing in more one-on-one clients. I just like stopped and I let my roster of clients just fizzle all the way down. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. But it was just, you know, my back was up against the wall. I had to. And even during that time where it was my choice to dismantle my business, I dismantled my business. I tore it all down. Like when people say, like, I just want to light everything on fire and burn it all to the ground. No, I did that. I did that on purpose and I did that because I had to. And I really have not like run the business that I want to run in until now, in in the last year specifically. So it even took me a minute postpartum to kind of like restructure what I wanted to do in a way that made sense for motherhood and for being available and like not having childcare, right? It's just if you know, you know. Now, I will say my story on this is gonna be a little bit different if you're someone that is not a business owner. Because when I think about when I was in corporate sales, there would have been no way. They had me traveling all the time. Like, I really don't know how I would have done it. So if you're listening to this and you're in that situation, you're like, well, like she doesn't get it. Fair, right? I didn't have to navigate this in my corporate job, but I can deeply empathize with you on that because I I I I lived corporate and like that was a big driver for me leaving. And just listen anyway, because you are gonna take some things from this. But it took me a hot second to like rebuild my business per se. And when I gave birth to my daughter, basically all of 2024 was like the craziest year of like I barely had a business, barely, just pieced pieced things together while I figured it out. And then in the fall of 2024, a year ago from now, I created HPA, which is like my living, breathing, hard on my sleeve, everything that I desire to do. And I feel really good about what my business is going to look like now in this season of life. I've restructured it, I've gone through the muck. But I will say, when I went through that muck, when I dismantled everything and I saw my pay dramatically decrease, when I saw, you know, certain things within my business I had to cut because there just wasn't money there to pay for it. Like when I went from, you know, peak best year of my life as a one-on-one coach to getting pregnant. And then now suddenly I don't even know what's going on and everything's falling apart. I'm not gonna lie to you guys, it 1000% impacted how I was at home with my husband. It impacted how I took care of myself. It impacted my ability to like rest and like spend time doing hobbies that weren't related to work. Like it shifted me into this, like always focused on the next thing that needed to get done, always adding stuff to my to-do list, always feeling so urgent, saying no to things, like RSVPing no to like weddings or birthday parties because I wanted to use that time to work or just felt like a waste of time because I was in such a like scarcity place of like I don't have like I like I don't have time to take a nap. Like I know I'm you know 39 weeks pregnant, but I don't have time to take a nap. I've got to figure this out. And so I say that to you guys because I see something similar come up with working moms and business owning moms a lot. And that is, and especially I'm gonna speak to the business owning moms. When you guys have the very typical ebbs and flows of business. And again, you can think of the ebbs and flows of your career. Maybe you're not getting awarded certain projects, or maybe you miss the promotion, right? We all have these seasons of our work in our career and our businesses that just feel like, is this even working? Is it like, is this even going to last? Should I go get a different job? Right. So that the very standard ebbs and flows of business, which by the way, are so normal. And if you're someone, especially as a business owner, that believes that like you just always need to have certain levels each month, you don't. There are very normal ebbs and flows in business, and your inability to feel safe in the dips is really what I want to talk about. So I see this come up so much for a lot of the working moms that I speak to, where they will like have spectacular months. Things are going so well, things are so easy, and then all of a sudden it changes. And then that urgency, that same thing that I was describing with me, that urgency comes in. That like, no, I have to work. And like, no, I can't watch a movie on the weekend. I gotta, I gotta be on my phone, I gotta be doing this, I gotta like it, it just becomes this. I like to describe it as like your internal cadence just like ramps up. And like you just start going, going, going, going, going. And what happens is when we don't have the ability to be more anchored in the present, when we don't have that ability, or when we get super caught up in that new internal, internal cadence that we're noticing, the the dips in our career and the dips in our business start to leak into what we think our value is at home in our personal life. And I see this happen all of the time because there's obviously that connection there. If your internal cadence is like ramped all the way up, well, of course you're not present during dinner. And two weeks of that, subconsciously and probably consciously, you're starting to realize that you feel like a pretty disconnected parent. And what does that do? It makes you feel like shit. And then when the kids go to bed and you're supposed to spend time with your husband because you both work, then the idea of expending energy to him, when you'd rather expend that energy towards the proposal, the business, the content, the anything that will take you out of that scarcity mindset that will bring you up from that very natural business dip, the idea of giving energy any energy to your partner is also like a huge heck now. So you disconnect there. And then maybe your partner starts to notice it and they start to mention how disconnected you are. And now suddenly your business is falling apart, your career is falling apart, you feel like a terrible mom, your kids are more reactive, you're snapping at them more, you're falling behind on your health because you're skipping workouts, because you just want to focus on the things that you want to focus on that make you feel safe, that you can control, and your partner is noticing it. And it just becomes this really vicious and overwhelming cycle. And I kind of like to call it this like cycle of you're aware of what's happening, but you can't do anything to come out of it. Like you can identify that this is happening, you can name that this is happening, you can like describe it to your friends and family as I just feel like everything is falling apart, I feel like nothing is working, I just feel like I need to get caught up here, or I just feel like I need to do this, that, and the other. But you have no way to do anything or give yourself a tool or solution that will give you a little bit of relief or to slow a little bit of that internal cadence back down. So you can be, I don't know, at the dinner table looking at your children instead of obsessing over your to-do list, right? Or even more, you can close your laptop, close your phone, and feel still really satisfied with what you've done because you know that it's not connected to your value and your worth and who you are. And so I see this come up so, so, so much where it's we get stuck in this cycle, our business or our career dips, it doesn't go the way that we want it to go. And then suddenly, because it has dipped, we shift into survival mode. That survival mode looks like us trying to control every little thing that we can control and not giving a shit about anything else. Then we start to feel like a bad parent, then we start to feel like a bad wife. Then, after all three of those things are suffering, then we start to be hypercritical of ourselves because it's like you're smarter than us. Shouldn't you know how to handle this? Why can't you figure this out? Why can't you you know prevent this dip from happening? Why can't you just be more present? I fucking hate when people say you should be a more present parent. Well, how? Everybody says, like, you need to be a more present present parent. Well, how did how? How do you do that? Is anybody actually saying how, aside from me? Because that's the advice I hear all the time. You should be more present, you just be more present. But nobody is actually telling anyone what presence actually looks like. And that's what I'm telling you guys. So it's like this cycle becomes this thing of like, you know, so much, you've been in therapy, you listen to podcasts, you maybe you work with someone. I don't know. You've done a lot of programs, you've read a lot of books, but it doesn't matter because you still get stuck in these cycles and you don't know how to meet yourself within that cycle. And that's what I see so many working moms all into. And really, when we talk about presents, and I'm kind of teasing this here, one because I wanted to tell this story, but two, it's just like if I have any Swifties, listen to this. I'm I'm Easter egging, guys. I'm Easter egging. Did I use that word right? I'm dropping an Easter egg right now for some things that you guys are going to start seeing, whether that be in ads or on my website, mostly in ads. But nobody's teaching presence. And one of the things that has to happen for you to be a more present parent, regardless of what is happening in your career or your business, is you have to have something built that's called somatic safety. Somatic safety, I just want you to think of as being safety and space to connect back into your body to basically identify and meet that internal cadence, that urgency lever, that like, I gotta go, go, go, go, go. No, I can't put work down. No, I can't be present. No, I have to like, I have to, I have to do this. It has to be done now. For you to be able to do more than just like recognize that that's happening in your head, but to actually meet that discomfort that's happening in your body and feel safe enough to stay there to actually change the pattern. Because the pattern is not actually happening. It's not a mindset problem. It's not a mindset problem. And I know that like all of the bootleg bootleg mindset coaches want to tell you it's a mindset problem. It's not a fucking mindset problem. It is a body problem. Is a pattern that is happening deep within your nervous system and your body, that is somatic safety, that is somatic work. So the problem that I see happen with so many working moms and so many high-performing women that are in like super stressful careers, it's like they have all this self-awareness, they have all this knowledge. It's like, dude, they've you guys have maxed out your brain with everything you need to know. You could tell me your attachment style, you can tell me your Enneagram number, you could tell me your personality, you could tell me your fucking astrology chart. It's like, you know, if it's something that can put you in a box, you can describe it to me. You love that level of containment. Oh, label me. That feels so good. But if you have all of that without somatic safety, it's kind of like having a, how do I describe this? It's kind of like having a PhD in drowning. Like you can name what is happening very well, but you still can't breathe. So you're still fucking drowning. And that's what I'm seeing happen all the time. And I say this to you guys because I also saw it happen with me. I saw this happen while I was dismantling my business and rebuilding it. And I'll be honest with you guys, my life is no less stressful than it was before I had a child, obviously. My life is no less stressful than it was the first year of her life. If anything, as she gets older, the stress gets to just be more complex. But I will tell you that regardless of what my business is doing, when I finish my workday, imagine this for a second. Because I'd be curious to know if you can actually feel this. And be honest with yourself. It's like the memes that you guys see of like slam's laptop shut until Monday. Like, think of that meme. Like when I do that, when I slam my fucking computer into the off mode, I feel satisfied. Even if I'm having a rocky month in business, I feel satisfied. I feel thankful. I feel good enough for what I gave that day. And because I feel that way, I then shift into my five to nine job, five to ten. Well, five to the following morning, because sometimes she still doesn't sleep. I'm then able to shift into that role without feeling like I need like an hour between to somehow like recover and like gain my bearings to be a mom. No, I just shift into the role fine, and I'm present at dinner. And sure, I get overstimulated sometimes. And sure, sometimes I get a little bit distracted, or sure, sometimes I think about my to-do list, but I know how to respond to that pattern happening in my body because I've built enough somatic safety. I've built enough safety in connecting back to what's happening in the physical and getting out of my head. I can recover from those little one-off moments that still happen. I can recover in like 20 to 30 minutes versus, oh, I'm overstimulated and I already feel like I'm behind from work. Fuck it. I can't even be present at bedtime story time. That doesn't happen anymore. Like that doesn't happen anymore. The way that my career and my business is going no longer has a grip on how good enough I feel as a wife or a mother. And if you know, you know, some of you guys, this may not resonate, but I gotta believe that there are many of you that might listen to this and be like, holy shit, I've never thought about it that way. But yeah, you're so right. When I'm on top of the world in my career, oh yeah, I feel on top of the world. I feel like I'm good enough. I feel like I'm doing enough. But you're also probably still a bit distracted with work, if we're being honest. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. When things are feeling good, it's feeling good. Delpami's slow, and you want more of that. You're in a groove, you've got momentum, you want to keep that going, of course, right? But do you know how to turn it off? Do you know how to turn it off when it feels good? Do you know how to turn it off when it doesn't feel good? Because if you don't, that is a learnable skill. It's not a mindset hack. That is a learnable skill that happens by reprogramming the patterns that are happening within your body, the patterns of discomfort that you feel. When it's like, well, I don't want to stop thinking about my to-do list. What if what if I miss something? Well, no, if I the only way I feel safe is if I keep thinking of these things I need to do. No, you would actually feel more safe if you sat them down for a minute and had yourself a night. And you logically know that, right? You logically know that to be true, but you can't get yourself physically to do it. That's what I mean when I say somatic safety. Is this all making sense? I feel like this is making sense. My episodes are getting a little bit long. I feel like the last, maybe they haven't. I don't know. But I really just wanted to share this because one, it needed to be said. Two, I have this conversation all the time. And three, it's an Easter egg drop for shit that you guys are gonna start seeing in a month or so. Probably on your timeline in the format of of an ad. And just in a lot of the things that I talk and put out there. But I guess I'll end it at that because we're at 20 minutes and I do like to keep these like short and super digestible. I feel like this was pretty much what I wanted to say. I guess I'll just leave you guys with if this resonated. All I want you to do is just like find me on social. If it resonated, find me on social and just say, Kate, I have a PhD in drowning. Just DM me. Just DM me and say that you have a PhD in drowning. That's all. And then I'll take the conversation from there. All right? Join HBA always. Always join HBA and learn to be where your feet are. And if you're a parent, learn to be where your children's feet are. And if you don't know how, it's a learnable skill. And I can help teach you that. Okay, bye.