Are You Eating Your Feelings? Listen.

I've had this conversation no less than six times this week already. And because of that, I was like, okay, this is also something I used to struggle with, and sometimes I still struggle with it. So I think it's worth bringing it on the podcast.

In this conversation, I'm talking about when we find ourselves eating more than what we actually need and using food to cope. I share the bodyguard analogy that changed everything for me (think Taylor Swift and her long-term bodyguard), why yelling at your nervous system for doing its job keeps you stuck in the exact pattern you're trying to break, and the mistake people make when they try to change coping habits.

I talk about what actually needs to happen when the stress eating is going on, why your bodyguard decides what is safe and what is threatening off of sensations alone, and what shifted for me when I stopped beating myself up for it.

If you're aware of it happening but you can't stop yourself from doing it. 

If you're trying to willpower or discipline yourself into not snacking but it's making it worse. 

If you know so much but can't implement any of it (yeah, I'm talking to you intellectualizers).

Maybe the place you need to start is to stop beating yourself and your nervous system up for simply doing its job. And maybe you need to learn how to send a different signal.

HBA: https://www.mnmfitnessco.com/hba

Transcript

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What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Dope Main Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. So, man, I've had this conversation. Man, it's Thursday, so I've had this conversation no less than six times this week already. And because of that, I was like, okay, this is also something I used to struggle with, and sometimes I still struggle with it. So I think it's worth bringing it on the podcast. So I want to talk to you guys today about when we find ourselves in these like seasons or patterns or like moments of eating more than what we actually really need and using food to cope. So for context, and I've done a couple episodes on this on this podcast, like you could scroll through. I think I one of the um episodes that comes to mind as being the most recent, I did an episode on like everything, everything that changed in my life once I stopped emotionally eating. That's a really good episode. But I've done a couple episodes like talking about how I've struggled with this, but for context, I used to be a big-time emotional eater and stress eater. And my cat is now on my lap. So if you hear a cat parting, that's why. Um, that used to be like my biggest crutch. And I would say, like at the peak of my stress issues, burnout issues, and health issues when I was like about 80 pounds heavier than I am now. Um, I was using food multiple times a day to cope. Um, cope with a very demanding career, cope with a very unstable home life and marriage at the time, like cope with just not really knowing who I was, um, you know, kind of just being in that weird phase of adulthood where it's like you're trying to learn who you are and you're not really getting anywhere. Um, there were so many things that basically caused me to seek a lot of relief from what I could eat. And sometimes it was fast food, sometimes it was just candy, sometimes it was wine. Like I would use anything I could find to provide me with some relief. I was a relief dopamine seeker. And it's really interesting to me how many times this conversation has come up this week with um clients that I'm serving in HBA, with clients that, you know, have a little bit of one-on-one access to me, with people that don't even work with me, but you know, we have conversations in my DMs about articles or things like that. And it has just come up so many times. So there's a couple key things that I really just want to explain about stress eating and emotional eating that I think that if you're in that bucket of either you struggle with it or you have struggled with it in the past, or you're like deep in a season right now where it's like, Kate, I'm literally listening to this podcast and like shoveling food in my mouth. Um, I think that some of these things that I'm about to say might give you a bit of clarity around what's actually going on. Um, and because you have that clarity, you might actually be able to do things that help you shift either out of it or into a more um neutral state. So, first and foremost, let's talk about the mechanism behind our drive to eat or to soothe our discomfort with food or to numb what we're feeling with food, or to simply find relief or seek relief through food or wine or drugs or anything else. The mechanism underneath that is our nervous system. So I always like to describe an analogy that I heard forever ago that has just always stuck because I think it's really easy to make sense of the nervous system in this way when you think about it. So think about um, think about a bodyguard and think about a bodyguard's responsibility as either blocking you from things, like to keep you safe, or just kind of like following closely behind or to your side to keep you safe. And you know, if we want to take it even further with visuals, I have a lot of Swifties that listen to this. Think about her long-term bodyguard. Okay, so you are Taylor Swift, her bodyguard is your nervous system. We'll make we'll if it's easier for you to visualize this, let's just go there. Um, your nervous system, when it feels like you are safe, when it feels like there's nothing in your general, you know, vicinity or space that is dangerous or a threat, um, your nervous system, your bodyguard, does a pretty good job at just like staying close by, but not necessarily blocking you because there's nothing to block you from, right? And so usually when that happens, you eat food to sustain you, you stop when you're full, you don't really have an issue with things like overconsumption, or even like we talk about food and wine, like people also seek relief and numb with scrolling. So this applies too. But basically, when there's no active threat, when your system, when your bodyguard is interpreting what's going on around you as okay, this is okay, we feel good, you then have the freedom, you have the freedom to make decisions for yourself, to stop, to go, to consume, to not consume, to choose things, to hit goals, all the above. When your nervous system and when your bodyguard senses or believes or interprets or perceives that there's an active threat, it will stand in front of you. It will block you. And now suddenly you are not the one making decisions anymore. So this is exactly why when you're struggling with things like scrolling or even like um shopping or stress eating or doing anything to like numb what you're feeling, oftentimes it can feel so out of control. And it's like you're aware of it happening, but you can't like you can't stop yourself from doing it. That's why. It's because at that stage of the game, you're not actually the one making those decisions for yourself. Your bodyguard is, your nervous system is. He's literally standing in front of you doing things for you. So I want to point that out because I think it's really important before I say some of these other things, to like have that visual of what's actually happening when you're there, um, and where we would want to get to in order for those habits of you know, eating too much, drinking too much, scrolling, whatever it may be, in order for those habits to stop. So, what's happening when it's going on, what would need to happen hypothetically in order for it to stop. Okay, so we've got Taylor Swift in your bodyguard, we've got you in your nervous system. I love that I'm not even a Swifty and I'm using this in a podcast episode. Love this. So let's talk about what actually happens or what you should be doing when the overeating and the stress eating and the snacking is actually going on. So, what I hear all the time, and I can vividly remember this experience for myself, is that when I would find myself in those cycles of like I just can't stop eating, like I would be aware of it, I'd be actively trying to tell myself to stop, like just stop, like come on, like you don't need it. Like, there'd be a lot of like brain trash going on around there's something wrong with me, why can't I figure this out? I'm just a fuck up, like all this stuff. So, like, as the actual behavior, the coping habit was happening, alongside that was a lot of like self-criticism and speaking down to myself and being really mean to myself. So, not only do we have um a behavior, an action of consuming food that I'm completely out of control doing, I have no say over it. On top of that, my brain is now making it mean something about me and saying that it's my fault and saying that I'm a bad person and saying that I'm just a gross human being and I can't figure this out and there's something wrong with me. So that's like a shitstorm. That's like a heavy, heavy thing to try and get out of. Yeah, like it would be hard for even the most resilient person with the most willpower and the most um, you know, discipline to snap out of that, which is why most people don't snap out of it. So the first thing that has to happen if you guys are struggling with this, instead of trying to like willpower or discipline yourself into not snacking or not stress eating, like instead of saying, like, okay, I'm just gonna like not do this, you're actually better off to while it's happening, because you're aware of it, you you can tell that it's happening, right? Like for most of you guys, you know what's going on because you're trying to talk yourself out of it. You're much better off to choose it. And here's what I mean by that. So let's assume, hypothetically, let's assume tonight um you've had a horrible day, there's a lot going on, there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of unknown, and you find yourself in the pantry again. And before you know it, things are getting out of control, and you're just eating and eating and eating and eating. And you start to notice that same familiar, like inner dialogue start to pop up. You're a fuck up, you're gross, there's something wrong with you, you're a piece of shit, all that stuff. You notice it, and so instead of allowing that inner dialogue to continue, you simply say, I'm choosing this, I'm choosing this because right now my nervous system and my bodyguard is trying to protect me by giving me a little bit of relief, by blocking me from the threat that is my life, that is this stress, that is this unknown. And because it's blocking me, because it's trying to allow me to experience some relief, I'm actually going to try and be very thankful and grateful that I have a bodyguard that is aware when there is a threat around. Here is what I mean by this. When we look at the the mistake that people make all the time when they try and like change certain coping habits, is they don't ever consider trying to change them from an a compassionate and a grateful and a loving place. It's always a, you need to stop doing this. This isn't good for you, you're a piece of shit. So you're basically yelling at your bodyguard for doing its job. Why would we do that? Right? Logically, if you think about it, if Taylor Swift was about to get attacked by someone and her bodyguard stepped in, she wouldn't yell at him, she would thank him, right? Or similarly, if her bodyguard thought that someone from the crowd was, you know, gonna lunge at her, but he misread it and he blocked it anyway, she still wouldn't yell at him. She would thank him and say, Hey, actually, no, like this is okay. Like that you you just misread it, no worries, but hey, thanks for paying attention, right? So it's the same thing with our nervous system. And the way that our nervous system basically interprets what we're experiencing as either being threatening or okay. Sometimes we experience stress, we have a lot of things going on in our life, and because we live in a world that is stressful by nature, our bandwidth and our capacity already is at a disadvantage. And so sometimes you just have things happen that it kind of act as like the straw that broke the camel's back, and now suddenly your system truly believes that you are in massive danger, but it only believes that because it's going off of sensations. So here's the other part about your bodyguard that I really want to make sure that you understand. And I think this is probably something that if you're new to kind of learning about your nervous system or you're new to, you know, trying to unravel your own coping patterns, this might be news to you. If you're not new, this won't be news to you. The big thing that I want you to understand about your bodyguard and your nervous system is that it decides what is safe and what is threatening off of sensations. It doesn't have eyeballs, it doesn't have ears, so it can't see that you know there's there's no active danger right in front of you. It can't hear you when you say this is just a full calendar. Like obviously it'll be okay, it's just annoying. It can't hear you when you say things are fine, and it also can't see that there's no actual person, you know, trying to harm you. Like there's no active threat. It can't see or hear those things. It decides, your bodyguard decides what needs to be blocked and what you need to be protected from and what is okay off of sensations alone. So go back to what I said about when we find ourselves in these patterns of like stress eating and emotional eating, the inner dialogue that tends to happen with that. I'm a fuck up, I'm a piece of shit, there's something wrong with me. When you guys sit there and you say those things about yourself, just you know, off top of your heads, answer to yourself as you're listening to this. What sensations do you think that sends to your body? Or when you say that out loud to yourself now, how does that make you feel? I'll be very honest with you. When I describe myself as a piece of shit, when I say that I'm a fuck up, when I have that same inner monologue and dialogue of just like there's something wrong with me, my body doesn't feel that great. My body feels tense. I kind of get this pit in my stomach. Not really good sensations flowing through my veins. My system, my bodyguard, decides what is a threat and decides what is safe based off of the sensations that it is feeling. So when you have that inner dialogue going on while you're emotionally eating, while you're stress eating, of there's something wrong with me, I'm gonna fuck up, I'm a piece of shit. Your system is interpreting that, your bodyguard is interpreting that as, well, these sensations say that she must be in danger. So we're gonna stay fully in front of her. We're gonna keep blocking her, we're gonna keep fighting all of this off, and it's going to keep you stuck in the exact habit, the coping pattern you're trying to break. Because it thinks that that's what you need. It thinks that you're in danger. So of course it wants to give you some relief. And what's the easiest thing to provide some relief? Food, shopping, scrolling. So of course you're gonna still feel completely out of control for those things. You're now stuck in a cycle that's partially from you're doing because of that inner monologue, because of the sensations that are happening in your body that you do kind of sometimes have control over, but you're just not choosing to do anything about, right? Because you're trying to willpower or like discipline yourself into, well, I'm I'm just I'm when I'm I'm not gonna snack. I'm gonna make my I'm gonna hold myself back from it. That's gonna make it worse. That's gonna make it worse. Because now you're gonna be getting the sensations of stress, of pressure, and those sensations also can sometimes trigger a faulty threat alarm. And your bodyguard, again, is is right in front of you. We see this come up all of the time when people try and do extreme diets and they do it for a little bit, but eventually their willpower breaks. Why do we think that that is? Because your system has started to interpret that much pressure as being a threat. And when it interprets a threat there, when your bodyguard says there's something wrong, there's something harmful, there's something dangerous, you get uncomfortable and your bodyguard does its job by keeping you safe, by providing you with relief, by urging you and nudging you into the actions and patterns and coping habits that on paper aren't what you want, but from a sensation standpoint provide you with relief. So when you guys are finding yourself in this pattern of like emotional eating and stress eating, it may seem like the craziest advice when I say this, but what I'd almost rather you choose to start with is when you notice it happening and when you feel that like feeling of I'm out of control, I can't stop this. Say out loud that you're choosing it. Say out loud that you're choosing it. Say out loud that you are so thankful that your nervous system is still doing its job by responding to this perceived threat of just a stressful day and a stressful email or a stressful circumstance, your bodyguard's doing its job. And when you can actually start to look at these habits and patterns from a very accepting and borderline compassionate place, let me ask you this. When you guys think of your loved ones when they experience something and you offer them a lot of compassion, think about the last time maybe that happened, or just imagine yourself doing that. And when you think about, like, you know, offering your child compassion for um accidentally dropping something or not doing well on their homework, or you know, whatever it may be. And um you offer them a little bit of compassion, you offer them a little bit of grace. When you offer them that, what does that feel like in your body? It probably feels loving, it probably feels nurturing, it probably feels safe. Those are the sensations. Or think about gratitude, right? When you think about letting yourself feel gratitude, think about something in your life you're grateful for. Think about that right now. What do you feel? For me, I feel like the the happy butterflies in my stomach when I think about gratitude. My chest feels warm and open and safe. Right? So those are sensations. So wouldn't it make sense that if when we are stress eating and when we are emotionally eating, we know that our bodyguard is basically like interpreting our situation as being a real threat. So it's standing in front of us, it's blocking us from making other decisions to cope with our stress, and it's simply saying we need to get you relief as quick as possible because this is a real danger and our only job is to make sure you are safe. Wouldn't it make sense that when that's happening, that an antidote would be to offer compassion and gratitude towards our bodyguard, towards our nervous system, towards ourself, that it's doing its job. And even though it's, you know, misfiring a bit, even though it's, you know, it made the mis it's making the mistake of, you know, looking at a fan that's just overly excited and for some reason thinking it's gonna lunge at you, wouldn't it make sense that in order to send a different sensation to our bodyguard, which is the only language that it understands, that in order to send a sensation that signaled safety, compassion and gratitude would be a no-brainer place to start. That's what I want you guys to try. That is one of the things when I really look back at what shifted for me with stress eating and emotional eating was I stopped beating myself up for it. Um I started offering myself a lot of compassion. And I started being so grateful for the fact that my system and my body was still functioning, even in the stressful circumstances that I was in, even though I was that overwhelmed, my system was still working over time to make sure that I felt relief. And even though it was giving me relief in the form of food and other things that I didn't want, even though my brain knew that, the minute I realized that I just simply had to send a different signal to my bodyguard in order for it to chill out, step to the side, and give me the control back over the decisions I want to make for myself, the minute I realized that everything changed. Everything changed. And it's one of those things where once you experience that type of change, once you actually feel a different feeling compared to the out-of-control, chaotic must eat everything, can't stop scrolling, I'm buying all this bullshit. Like once you ex once you interrupt that pattern, like once you really interrupt that pattern, the way that that creates such a spark of a new pathway for new behavior, it like it like sparks so many new behaviors, so many new thoughts, and it just becomes a ripple effect and everything else. So I just wanted to share that with you guys today. Here we are again, I've met a long episode, but again, this conversation has come up so many times this week where I'm like, okay, we need to talk about it. Um any coping pattern that you guys are struggling with, maybe the place that you need to start is to stop beating yourself and your nervous system up for simply doing its job. Its only job is to make sure that you feel okay. And maybe when you start to realize that what it needs is a different sensation, which by the way, sensations don't live in your brain, they don't live in Your thoughts. So all of my like intellectualizers, I'm talking to you. Ever wonder why you like know so much, but can't implement any of it? Yeah. It's because you got to take that knowledge and uh turn it into some sensations, and there's a learning gap for a lot of my intellectualizers there. Trust me, there's a feeling gap. You gotta drop into the body. Um, if you can just give yourself the chance to change some of that dialogue and to think about sending a different signal to the body, and if that feels overwhelming for you or you don't know where to start, that's okay. Ask questions, right? Get into places that encourage you to practice it versus just hear about it and learn about it. HBA. Um, I promise you, once once you realize that you can send different signals to the body and you you can actually influence some of these coping strategies that your bodyguard and your nervous system has so intelligently deployed, it's a game changer. And it's one of those things where once you start to shift it once, you won't be perfect in it, but it will become so easy to keep shifting it over time. So that's what I wanted to share with you guys. Bye.