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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Dopamine Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen me share a story, just kind of talking about something that one of my one-on-one clients said to me, but man, I just I'm like, I'm feeling it right now. We're gonna quickly throw it on the podcast because I think more than anything, like I want, I want, I want women to know that it's possible. And I think sometimes more than like hearing advice, like hearing someone else's story and being able to like see ourselves in that and like leveling the playing field makes it seem way more attainable for us. And so I want to just like talk about a client that I've been working with and give very basic details on what she was struggling with because these struggles are so common across the board of the people that I work with and even across the board around what I what I struggle with. So she's a wife, she's a mom, and she has a side business as well. So, you know, her time and her mental energy is pretty split, right? And I think if you're a working mom specifically, you know the feeling that is on our side of the coin, it feels like we're giving so much to motherhood and so much to our career, but it never feels like we're giving enough to either. It's this like really weird trap of like, I'm in this constant haze of doing, but none of it ever feels like enough. And I think that pattern creates this like permanent feeling of, well, I don't know if I want to use the word like guilt or shame. I'll just call it like permanent feeling of badness. We just feel bad. We don't feel great about any of it. Um, and we worry if, you know, we're going to wake up 15 years from now and we regret that we had a career, or we worry that our kids are gonna end up in therapy because we were disconnected or we were too focused on this because we're juggling so much. And it's just like we like lose the opportunity to even just be ourselves, right? And I think when we look at working mom specifically in this like weird identity loss trap that we get into where it's like, I don't even know who I am, I don't even know what's going on, I don't even know when I lost myself. It's because we've been so caught up in the noise in our head of you're not doing enough. Somehow you need to do more. And the negative 24 hours a day that you have, oh, in PS, even if you suffer more, we're never actually gonna let you feel like it's enough. That's the trap that I frequently find myself falling back into. That is the trap that I see every single working mom that I work with, whether that be one-on-one, like this situation, or whether that be an HPA, that is the common thread that we all share. That is like the universal experience that we all share. Now, I say that because I think one, it needs to be normalized a bit more. Um, because I think when we're in it, we don't really understand that every single working mom separate of us also has this problem. We kind of look at it as like, well, there's just something that I'm lacking, or there's something that I need to do better at, or it's because I'm missing this, or it's because I don't have a village, or it's because my husband works all the time. Like, no, it's actually none of those things. And we don't actually need, we don't need to outsource the power that we definitely can like claim back for ourselves by circumstance. We just simply need to understand that the way that we're approaching these things is completely different, and we're trying to constantly throw like mindset hacks or mindset beliefs, or like, well, I'm just gonna think a certain way about this, or I'm gonna try this routine. Like, we're trying to take a top-down approach to a problem that is very centered in the bottom. So, uh what I mean by that is a lot of the times, and tell me if I'm wrong, working mom specifically, any of you guys feel like um you resonate with the the phrase, I'm like extremely self-aware, and when I'm spiraling or I'm having a hard time, I know exactly what's going on, but I can't seem to snap out of it. Same, right? Like that's exactly what we feel. That's because we've tried to we've tried to take a top-down approach our entire life. And that's not actually what we need. We need a bottom-up approach to address what's actually going on. So working moms tend to find themselves, and I fell into this trap during my pregnancy where it's like, well, let me just learn more. I clearly just am missing this, like, this thing of knowledge to suddenly make all of my problems and all of my resistance feel so much better. Nope. Turns out the more I learned, the more miserable I became because it like my awareness became this like prison. It became like a trap. I was like, damn, like I actually know too much. And I would say in therapy, like, I'm actually so self-aware, it's causing me problems now. Like, I wish I can kind of go back and unlearn some of these things that I've learned because I don't, I'm not applying any of it. And so I see this happen. This is the pattern working moms find themselves in, where life is overwhelming, our energy and our bandwidth is already stretched. And so the easiest thing to do is to look up a reel, look up a carousel, read a book, listen to a podcast, and like bookmark it in our head of okay, next time I have this problem, I will do this. Or science says to do this, or this mom expert said to do this, or I need to build this habit of routine. And then when push comes to shove and we actually try and implement that knowledge, we have no fucking energy to do it. And so then we become, we just like we we fall into this like prison of up, I know exactly what I need to do, and I'm not doing any of it. So this client and I have been working together going on six months, and she had all of the common problems that every single working mom that deeply cares about her role as a mother and also desires and has ambition outside of that, right? First of all, let me sidetrack for a second. Why, what, why, why, what is the cultural fucking panic around a woman saying, I fucking love being a mom? I love being a mom. It's like the most important role that I will have. And I also, and I also have this like epic desire and ambition to do these things, and I'm just drawn to it, and I can't ignore it, and I just want to. I want to. What what is the cultural panic around the and I part of that? Why are mothers pushed into corners and basically held? I'm just gonna say held at gunpoint, even though it's a bit dramatic, to fucking choose. Why? Like why why do I have to? And why does the why like why do I have to choose? I choose both. I choose both. Sit on it. I don't care. I choose both. I love being a mom. I love my role as a mom. I value it, I I mean, I give so many fucks about my role as a mom. I take that so, so seriously. And I deeply value and nurture the ambition that I have as Kate. Not mom, as Kate. I don't ignore what Kate wants. Kate wants very real things. And sometimes that means motherhood comes with it, and sometimes that means motherhood is motherhood, and these ambitions are these ambitions, and they both get to exist, and I get to do both. Well, I don't balance them, there's no balance. But I am intentional and I choose where my energy goes, and because I'm present in each of them, I'm successful in both. What a fucking concept, right? But, anyways, off that side tangent. Every single working mom that comes to me has the same problem, where it's like, I just feel like I'm failing at all of them. And this client was no different. I just want to say, I'm not even gonna get into the weeds of the work that her and I have done because one, that's why you either need to hire me one-on-one or that's why you need to come into HBA and experience that. Because both of them get you closer to what I just said. That like crazy concept of feeling wildly successful in both and knowing how to repair the moments that you struggle and maybe the moments that you snap. Okay, because we are imperfect in both, don't get me wrong, but we feel damn good in both. That is possible, okay? I'm not gonna share all the things that her and I worked on. I just want to share what she said to me today. We were wrapping up one of our coaching calls. Her and I talk on the phone twice a month. This is tier two of my coaching packages for anyone that like wants to know. Um, and then her and I chat throughout the week as well, messaging chat. And we were on our call, wrapping up our call. And one of the things that she said to me, she said, Kate, I have to tell you. I feel like I feel like you'd want to know this. And I said, Yeah, tell me. We had a great car. It was such a good coaching call. All of them are. I like honestly, every coaching call I do with all of my one-on-one clients, incredible. I I love I love the coaching calls that I get to do. They are so fruitful and so deep and so impactful, just amazing. Chef's kiss. I need to like make a whole separate podcast episode about how much I adore one-on-one coaching because I haven't talked about that in a while. In fact, I kind of talked up, anyways. I'm not gonna share everything that we did, but basically, she said this Kate, my husband told me that he's seen a change in me. Pause. Your husband notices a change in you? Can we like name how big that is? Because I think the other elephant in the room is sometimes as working moms. We really feel like we're struggling as wives because it's either our tone, it's our facial expression, it's the fact that we, you know, we heard what our husband said but didn't, or we listened to what our husband said but actually didn't hear what he said. So it seems like we're not paying attention because we're juggling 85 tasks. Or, you know, we seem super locked in on like the urgency around things because again, we're juggling so many tasks. I mean, there's studies around the invisible and mental load of parenting and how even when the chores, the physical chores are split 50-50, by default, the woman carries more of the mental load. Like, that's not my facts or opinions, and we don't have to argue that because that's been studied and researched. So, anyone that wants to try and argue that, don't. This is not an opinion. This is the facts. Look it up. The recent study, they just did a recent study on October 25th, and it is November 11th. So, like, that's within two weeks ago. Two, two and a half. But I mean, how big is that, right? How many of you guys that are working moms, like, how many of you guys ever have a moment where you kind of feel like a shitty wife or your husband wants attention from you and you've given it to your kids, your career, and at 8 p.m., all you want to do is sit there and scroll your phone and not be fucking touched. That's real shit. And not many people talk about it. I experienced that. For someone's husband to say that they are noticing a change. Listen, if you know, you know. I'm talking to the wives that sometimes feel like they're bad wives because they're so maxed out all the time. I'm talking to the wives that see their husbands look at them in ways that they don't even look at themselves. I'm talking to the wives that sometimes realize their husbands love them way more than they love themselves in this season that they're in. I'm talking to y'all, talking to y'all. What would it feel like for your husband to say to you, hey, I've noticed a change in you. Bruh. Incredible, right? So that's the first thing that she says to me. And she's like, but wait, there's more. And I'm like, no way, tell me what else is going on? She feels like she's found a rhythm in motherhood. And this is really important. And I'm actually, I made a note to make a separate podcast about this because I think working moms fall into the trap of, I need to find a better routine. No, you don't. Throw away the idea of a routine because routines are rigid, routines require perfection, and we ain't got it to give. Our motto is imperfect consistency, or I our motto. I say our, as in the people in my world, our motto is imperfect consistency. Do you know what that means? We have to leave room for flexibility. Do you know what routines don't leave room for? Flexibility. Because the minute you can't stick to the routine, guess what it is? It's a failure and you throw it away and you think that you need to find a new routine that's going to be more perfect and more doable for you to be consistent at. It doesn't work that way. I like to use the word cadence, internal cadence, and rhythm. And she used that language too, right? So she's like, I found, I just like I found this, or no, I'm sorry. She used the word routine and I corrected her to rhythm. Um, she found this rhythm. She basically said, she's like, we've just kind of fallen into something that really, really works for us. And I said, Well, how is it working for you? Tell me. Is it because you're checking a lot of things off, or is it because you feel good about what's getting done? And one of the things that was really, really important to her, and one of the things that she struggled with, kind of going back to what every single working mom struggles with, is feeling like she's pulled in both directions and she's not doing either of them good. One of her top core values is motherhood and raising those kids. Top core value. And yes, her ambitions are up there, but her top core value is motherhood and raising kids. And I would agree with that. My top core value as a mother is raising my raising my daughter and raising her right and being present for her. Okay. One of the things that she said that she had found was she finally felt like she was doing that really well. She finally felt really proud and fulfilled about how she was showing up in motherhood. And she was still then having the energy to give towards her business. And this is what I want you guys to hear about this. For those of you guys that are doing both, for those of you guys that are doing both, it is very possible that when you figure out what your values are, step one is really asking yourself, what is most important to me? What is up there? What is fighting for the number one spot? What is in the number one spot? When you get really clear on what those values are, and when you learn how to be intentional and build presence, presence is the hardest part because we live in a society that is fucking fast and disconnected. Presence is really fucking hard. Mindfulness, really fucking hard. Sitting on the playroom floor and actually being in make-believe land with your child versus thinking about dinner, the to-do list, the email, the DM, the fucking doctor's appointment is really fucking hard. And you know it's fucking hard. Presence is hard when we live in a society that demands disconnection just to survive. Put it on a fucking t-shirt. I said it here first. That is really hard to do. But what she said to me was she finally felt like she was able to tap into that, that rhythm, that rhythm of intentional presence and a cadence of how she wants to go throughout her day and navigate both motherhood and business. And guys, what a concept that when you nail that, you actually stop draining so much of your quality energy trying to do both at the same time that you then can put the business, put the career hat on, and actually have energy to do it. Because what I find happens more often is working moms try and straddle both, motherhood and their career. And they are forever straddling, they are never in one spot at one time. Okay? Never, ever, ever, ever. And because of that, they're constantly working with like negative 3% battery charge, negative 3% bandwidth. And they're wondering why they're inconsistent in their career. They're wondering why they want it so badly, but they can't seem to get their actions to support that, or they go through these ebbs and flows of feeling really motivated and a lot of momentum and then completely checked out. It's because you're trying to approach both motherhood and your career with the battery charge that's at negative fucking three. And do you want to know the easiest way to charge your battery as a working mom? It's to learn the act of presence. It's to learn the act of intentionality and what you are doing and being where your feet are and being where those kids' feet are. That is a learnable skill, and it's a skill that not many of us are doing enough. Or maybe doing it sometimes. Sure, on Christmas morning, it's really easy to be super present, right? But is it really easy for you to be super present Monday, seven days a week outside of a holiday in the morning chaos, in the morning rest to just build in that moment of presence? Or are you blowing past it because again, we live in a society that demands disconnection over presence. You're not wrong if it's hard for you to implement presence every other day outside of the big events. But what I'm saying to you is that when you learn how to do that in tiny little manageable rhythmic chunks, what that actually gives you is a battery charge that feels much higher than negative three fucking percent that then you can give towards your career, that then you can give back towards motherhood, that then you can give back towards your marriage. And guess what suddenly starts to feel like you're doing good enough? All of them. All of them. All of them feel like you're giving enough. That's actually the secret. And that's one of the things that she said to me. She's like, I just feel like I have more energy and more clarity and more intention for my business, and I feel so fucking in check and aligned with the type of mom I want to be and how I want to lead my family. She homeschools. She's doing a lot. She's doing a lot, my friends. She's doing a lot. So she said that. And then the kicker. The last thing that I want to leave you with, the last thing that she said, Kate, I would just really want to make sure you know this. I think you would appreciate hearing this. So yeah, tell me, what else happened? Because those two things already, I'm giddy for you. And I was, like I was borderline in tears because that, like, that's the whole point of what I do. This was the icing on the cake. She said, There have been so many moments where I have felt myself going from like zero to a hundred just from noise, just from the calendar, just from the day. I I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, my kids, like the very normal parts of motherhood, the parts of parenting, not even motherhood, the parts of parenting that are just sometimes overstimulating. And that doesn't mean they're wrong. The parts where you go zero to a hundred, and you just kind of like without even realizing it, snap those moments. The zero to a hundred, I don't even realize the things in the words and the actions and behaviors that just came out of my body and my mouth, but I just completely snapped on my family and my loved ones. She named two specific moments where that happened and she caught it. She caught the pattern and she responded to it with what she needed. Now, I'm not going to tell you what she did because that'd be giving away too many of my secrets, but I want you to understand that she caught the pattern and she did not impulsively react to very normal overstimulation on her kids. And more than what that does for her confidence, I want to just, I just want to quickly end with this. Think for a second. If you are someone that struggles to do things for yourself, if you're someone that struggles to invest in yourself, if you're someone that struggles to support yourself, if you're a working mom that's been listening to me yap about being a working mom for a fucking year, and you've talked yourself out of either my support with one-on-one or HBA, every which way you fucking can, I want you to think about something for a second. I know it's hard to justify doing these things for yourself because it's always going to be more justified taking that money, taking that time and taking that energy and giving it to your kids and your loved ones. I get it. You don't have, you don't have to tell me that. I get it. But think for a second, zoom out, and imagine what would happen to how your kids experience you. What would happen to how your kids go throughout the day? What would happen to their baseline emotions and their levels of anxiety and their levels of overwhelm when you are supported. Think about how their days, those moments at the dinner table, those really overwhelming moments in the car, those bedtime struggles, whatever it may be. Think about what would change for them and how it would impact their experience of you. Because I think sometimes when we look at it that way, I will give you a perfect example and use myself, and then I will end this podcast. It's gotten kind of long. I've been really back and forth on making two big hires within my career. And these are hires that were costly, but these are also hires that would eliminate some overwhelming mental tabs that I often find myself thinking about when I'm in this playroom at 6:30 p.m. trying to hang out with my daughter. I find myself thinking about, oh man, I really need to like somehow find time in my schedule to do this. Ugh. And I get overwhelmed and I start to feel behind and I start to get really stressed. And before I know it, it's been 45 minutes in the playroom, and I really couldn't even tell you the type of make-believe that we played because I wasn't there for it. I was, but I wasn't. And I really wrestled with the it's a lot of money. I mean, can I her birthday's coming up? It's a lot of money. I could put that in a savings account. But when I told myself, you know what, I could spend the money and know for certain that it will it will give me more presence with her, for what it's worth, it made making those two investments so much easier to do for myself. And both of those investments really just mean I'm being supported. And it's not just me that's being supported, it's I'm being supported so I can be more present for her. And I don't know who needs to hear that, but I think somebody does. So bye guys.