It’s Ok if You Judge Me For This

I don't know if I'm gonna post this episode. It's gonna be messy. But holy fuck, I gotta get this out.

In this very raw, very honest conversation, I'm talking about why HBA is actually a hard sell. Because when you actually unlearn survival patterns to the point where you can't go back, it's not glamorous. And right now I'm grappling with wanting to go back to the disconnected, cutthroat version of me from a year ago, and my whole body is rejecting it.

I share why my career is a trauma response, what it's like after 16 months of unraveling to realize I literally cannot force myself backwards even though I'm trying, and the truth about healing that nobody in the nervous system space is talking about.

If you've been exhausting yourself doing surface level work and talking about your coping patterns but never actually getting out of them. 

If you keep rage quitting programs because you can't seem to change. 

If you want to understand what it actually takes to get past the point of any return.

This is the honest version. This is what unlearning survival patterns actually looks like. And it's a lot harder than anyone will tell you.

Some of you are gonna think I'm fucking crazy. Go for it.

HBA: https://www.mnmfitnessco.com/hba

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Dope Me Diaries Podcast. I don't know if I'm gonna post this episode. We but like, and it's gonna be messy. I'm gonna riff at you guys. Uh we'll see how I feel at the end of it. This might be a little bit longer. But holy fuck. Holy fuck. I gotta get this out. So I feel like the really unfortunate part about what I do, um, and the hard sell that I have, right? If you're listening to this and you've never worked with me, look, I'll be honest with you guys. Um, what I'm actually trying to get you to do, and I and I'm about to tell you guys a story about my life. So like sit tight. This isn't just me pitching you, but I just want to explain this. Uh like it is really hard to actually get someone to agree to do HBA or to do any of my coaching because unfortunately and fortunately, what will happen when you do, is that you won't just be able to identify like what your survival patterns and like what your coping mechanisms are. No, it's like if if if you guys want to like get a clear understanding of why you do what you do, is that a spider? I think there's a spider on the wall. Yeah, there's a spider on the wall. We're gonna walk away from that. If you guys want to just like, you know, get told, oh, this is why you stress eat, or this is why you procrastinate, or this is why you struggle with your emotions, or this is why you get overstimulated. You know what? If you just want to be given that handout on why you do what you do, you can go anywhere else in the self-development space, you can go anywhere else in the nervous system space, and they will fucking tell you that. They will tell you that your attachment style is the reason why you are the way that you are. But if you actually want to unlearn these survival patterns, because that's what they are, and you want to unlearn them to the point where you can't actually go back, let me fucking tell you how frustrating it is. And this is why what I do as a hard sell, because the result of my programs is actually a very frustrating thing to experience. This is what I mean. I have been doing the practices, I have been doing the unlearning, I have been doing the unraveling, I have been doing the unpattering that HBA helps you to do for over a fucking year. And let me tell you the inner turmoil that I'm experiencing right now. This might be an edge to say, but we're gonna fucking say it because if you read my email that I sent a couple days ago, I said in there that guys, guess what? Not gonna tame it down anymore. I'm an emotional fucking person. This is just who I am. You're gonna get a lot of that emotion on this podcast. But I've been doing, I've been doing this like, oh, I've been unraveling for over a year. I've been unraveling for over a year. I started practicing the things in HBA. I started embodying the things in HBA in October of 2024. It is January of 2026. This is why I say to you, if you want to go anywhere else in the self-development space, do a fucking month-long program, get whatever you want from it, and then be like, okay, cool, I know why I do these things, but then you never actually stop doing those things. Please keep doing that. Please keep wasting your money, please keep wasting your time. But if you actually want to do the harder stuff, which is dropping, unlearning, and letting go of survival patterns, guys, it's actually so unglamorous because when you actually unlearn these survival patterns, the survival patterns that I have unlearned in the last, you know, 16, what, 16 months are the very masculine ways that I show up in my career. I'll be the first to tell you guys that my career is a trauma response. I'll be the first to tell you that. I have no shame in that. I don't think there should be any shame in that. I actually think that's why I'm so fucking good at this, is because that passion, that drive, that desire to prevent this for other people is there. But a lot of my career is a trauma response. A lot of how I've been doing entrepreneurship is also a trauma response. And I have been full-blown, feelings neutral, fuck the feelings, stick to the plan for five years. That has been what I've done. And I've been successful. Don't get me wrong, I've been successful. Now, in the last year, in 2025, if you're not new to the podcast, you know that I've been saying, man, I've been more intentional than ever before. I've been resting more than ever before. I've just trusted myself. I've really leaned into my softness more than ever before. And yes, I have motherhood to thank that. But it's not just motherhood that gave me that. The unlearning that I have done, the unraveling of blowing past the little signals from my body, the self-trust, all of those things. When you like you can't unsee it. A year ago, beginning of January 2025. There was still a little bit of the like disconnected push, push, push, um, you know, ignore what felt right, don't rest until you reach the goal. Oh, the goal's not good enough, move it to the next one. Oh, you're never satisfied. Oh, it's not enough. Oh, you could be doing better. Like that constant, you know, we call ourselves high achievers. That's what that is, right? This time last year, the way that I was going about my day, the way that I was going about my work and my career and even my revenue and all of that is completely fucking different than how I am doing it right now in January 6, 2026. It's completely different. And when I say different, what I mean is there's less urgency. There's less urgency that is bred from a desire to just keep filling up the bucket until it can be filled up no more. And then when that happens, cut a hole in the bottom. That way I can keep filling it up. That just like complete disconnect from what I need as a human and as a woman and as Kate, that complete ignorance around where my energy was and and and you know what I was sacrificing along the way. Completely different a year later. And the season of life that I'm in right now is I'm really grappling with that. I'm actually really struggling with that because there's a part of me that wants to go back to how I felt this time a year ago. I'm trying so hard to just harness that energy again. Or if I could just, if I could just be as gung-ho as I was back then, if I could just be as like cutthroat and brutal, like let me just, oh man, I wish I could just like I wish, I wish I had that motivation again. I oh I'm grappling with this like desire to go back. Guys, this is why I actually want you to understand that if you come into HBA or any of my programs, you will learn things that you cannot fucking unlearn and you cannot unsee, and your body will fully reject you going back to if we want to talk about coping patterns and survival strategies, and we want to talk about what it actually takes to let them go, bro. Walking fucking proof of it, HBA, everything of the like. Because I'm literally sitting here, sitting here, spending time thinking about, man, I was just look at what I was saying, look at how motivated I was, look at what I was doing, yada yada yada. I was working on it, I just have this energy, just this just like cutthroat feeling. And I'm like thinking about and I don't like if I just think about it hard enough, I can go back to it. And guys, right now, as I sit here today, my whole body is rejecting it. My whole body, my whole nervous system that has done so much work this year in creating safety just in who I am. Safety not as a result of my coping pattern, safety not as a result of the external, safety not as a result of the avoidance or the procrastination or the constant chasing. No, safety just in who I am, safety in the self-trust that I have built, and safety in the fact that I get to build a life that makes me happy, and that happiness doesn't get to depend on things that you can hold in your hand or write down on paper. It's felt. My whole body right now, my nervous system is like I can't even go, I couldn't even force myself to go back to how I felt a year ago. It might it's rejecting it, and that's why I'm grappling with it so hard. That's why I've been sitting here spinning my wheels over like what is wrong with me? I don't feel as motivated. No, it's not that. I've just healed too much, I've made too much progress. I actually can't go backwards. And this is what I'm saying. Like, there's a lot of shit out there that you can do. There's a lot of like bullshit fucking programs, and I'm gonna call them bullshit fucking programs because they don't actually get you to do the uncomfortable work. They get you to do the comfortable work. Oh, well, like be really restrictive on this like coping pattern. Just like hold strong 21-day habit. Yeah, girl. No, no. That it's actually super uncomfortable and super like what the fuck when you do this type of work because you get on the other side of it, and suddenly this healing, this place, this progress that you set out to reach, once you get there, you start grappling and questioning and wanting to go back to the old version of you. And not many programs would be able to confidently get you to a place where your body and your nervous system would reject going back, like what I am feeling right now. And I know that to be true because I have been doing this type of work for a long fucking time. I've been doing this type of work for a long time. I've put out a lot of material, a lot of trainings. HBA is the only thing in my five years of doing this that has actually gotten me to the place where I cannot go back. I want to. I want to because now the idea of being successful in this more regulated, this more balanced, this more connected to who I am version of me, the idea of success with this version of me, I don't have I don't have any data to prove it. I don't know if it's gonna work. But I have a lot of data to suggest in the seven plus years I've been an entrepreneur that if I just disconnect from who I am and what I want and I just rely on my coping patterns and my survival strategies, well, by golly, I'll be okay. And I'll be successful because I have seven years of evidence to prove that. Do you know how fucking hard it is to still stand here in your place of healing and say, okay, I'm gonna trust it. I'm gonna fucking do it. Do you know how hard it is? That's why people don't do it. That's why people struggle with the same fucking survival patterns their whole life. And they exhaust themselves doing all of this like surface level type fucking work. Well, I'm fixing my stress. I'm eliminating my cortisol, I'm fixing my survival strategies, I'm working in therapy on my coping mechanisms, and all you're fucking doing is talking about it. And then you rage quit therapy or the programs because you've exhausted yourself talking about it, but you can't seem to get out of it. Does this make sense? Some of you guys are gonna listen to this and be like, she's fucking crazy. Go for it. You're allowed to think I'm crazy. Some of you guys are gonna listen to this and be like, holy shit, she's right. I can tell you with certainty, I'm grappling with my survival patterns right now because it's also this like deep realization that, like, holy shit, if I want to keep getting people into this work, if I want to keep getting people into HPA or into one-on-one coaching, oh my God, this is actually a super hard fucking sell. Because how do I tell them that this version of themselves that they have known for a long time that has kept them alive, that has allowed them to be successful? Wow, great. Thank you, Survival Me, for doing your job. How do I actually tell them that this work is gonna get them to a place where now it's gonna feel like they're just looking back on this version of themselves and they're gonna want to go back and they can't because they've seen too much, they felt too much, they've learned too much, they can't actually go back. How do I sell people on the fact that when you come into HBA and you come into my world and you do the coaching and you do the nervous system work paired with everything else that I do as my specialty and the way that it's done, and just like it's actually, guys, it's pretty hard to fucking sell. It's not glamorous, but if I'm being honest, and if I really, really want to lean into what is true and what a lot of people are not talking about in the nervous system space, it's not about regulating. Healing is actually pretty fucking dysregulating. And I'm sorry if that sucks to hear, but it's honest. And even though right now the season of life that I'm in is man, I so badly wish I could go back to the very like masculine and very like disconnected version of me that just didn't give a fuck. She didn't give a fuck. I still don't give a fuck. But like I give a bit more fucks now. Just a little bit, just a little bit, you know? It's it's like I'm in this season of like, man, I wish I could just, I wish I could just feel that motivation again. Guys, sometimes it's not actually motivation that you're searching for. Sometimes you're trying to just go back to an older version of you that you wanted to let go of. You did all of this work to fucking let go of, and now the minute that you get away from her, you're like, wait, I miss you, come back. Shit's toxic. And it's hard. It's so hard to stand here and grapple and fight and wish and desire that you could just go back to this version of you that you like wanted so badly to get away from. But that's what survival patterns are. That's the power of your nervous system. That is the power of the system in your body that controls everything. And we underestimate it and we think that we can outsmart it. I've literally been sitting here for a week, like, ah, nah, I can go back to her. I can go back to her. Look, no, I fucking can't. I've been trying for a week. My whole body is rejecting it. I can't. I know too much. I have felt the more connected version of me. I have built this trust in truly who I am, not in these patterns and behaviors that I adapted or that I that I developed to survive. It's like, unlike, I mean, nobody, nobody else, nobody else in their right mind would explain it to you this way, because how the fuck would you would you get anybody to say, okay, yep, sign me up for that? It's actually a lot harder, but it's honest and it's fucking true. And even though the season that I'm in right now is really, really hard, and I'm really, really having to just blind faith trust that this me, this version of me that does actually feels so good. And I feel so alive, and I feel so connected, and I feel so grateful, and I feel so safe with the fact that I'm an emotional person. I don't feel the need to control that. I don't feel the need to push past these like little cues and little alarms that I feel on my body. I feel so proud to be me. And I've never felt that way in my life. I have to trust that, and the trust feels a little bit scary sometimes. But guys, the alternative is you don't trust the scary and you fall back on the survival. And isn't that what we're all trying to get out of? I mean, not to get like emotional, but fuck. I don't want my daughter to experience that. I want to model a different way for her. And so if I want to model a different life and a different experience and a different way to connect to who she is that I never got to see, well, it's gonna be a little bit uncomfortable. And I can't just go back to what I'm most comfortable with because what I'm most comfortable with is actually the thing that I've been trying so fucking hard my whole life. Something about it never felt right. Something about this, like, just push, just push, just push. Just disconnect yourself, just be flat. Don't show your emotions. That's all I heard, but it never felt right. It's because I was disconnected. It's actually a hard sell, guys, if I'm being honest. It's a hard sell. But it it's it's true. If you do HBA and you do one-on-one, or you come into the you know HBA membership that's available, that hopefully some of you guys are gonna come into this month. Um I'm just letting you know that you you are going to unravel yourself to a place that is past the point of any return. And I don't think people normalize as much as they need to how uncomfortable that is. I think we look at like healing or doing the work as like this glamorous, like you'll feel so good. And you will, you so will, trust me. It's like I can't unsee, I can't unfeel, I can't unlearn. And as much as I think I want to, because it will allow me to, you know, maintain success or a status or an image. Nah. But this, like, the point in which I've learned and the point in which I felt and the things that I see now, oh my God. It's like my whole life opened up. My heart opened up, my gratitude opened up. My ability to feel safe and like joy and peace opened wide up. I would never want to go back to that. But that urge to go back to it because that survival pattern is still so strong. It takes a lot of work, it takes time, it takes repetition. And so, this may not make sense to many of you, and I don't fucking care. Oh, some of you guys are like, well, this is the last podcast episode I'm ever gonna listen to her because this bitch is fucking crazy. Crazy connected, that's for sure. But uh yeah. Still wanted to share it, still thought it was important to say. And uh I know you guys need to hear it, so I think I'm gonna publish it. In retrospect, I'm not gonna listen to it back. If I listen to it back, I'm gonna overthink it. So I'm just gonna hit stop recording. This is gonna go up. Back to back podcast episodes. Who are we? All right, bye guys.