Can We Stop Calling Moms Victims?

Let’s get real, folks. I say this all the damn time, but you won’t know the freedom of letting your truth out until you just do it.

In this episode, I’m laying it all on the line about the messy, chaotic world of motherhood and the shitstorm I faced for being honest about it. I’m talking about the isolation that comes from feeling like you have to wear a mask and the judgment from other moms that makes you want to scream.

I’ll spill the tea on what happened when I finally stopped pretending everything was fine and started to own my struggles. Spoiler alert: it’s fucking liberating. Motherhood doesn’t have to be this martyrdom game where you’re constantly feeling like a failure. 

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I should be tougher,” or shoved your feelings down because you’re scared of what others will say, this episode is for you. 

Let’s face it: you deserve to express yourself without being called a victim. Lean into your truth and watch how it transforms you. Your kids deserve a mom who isn’t just surviving but thriving. I wish I had learned this sooner.

So, are you ready to shake things up? Tune in and let’s start dismantling the stigma together!

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Transcript

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What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Dopey and Diaries podcast. This is Coach Kate. I'm excited to talk to you guys about the topic today because it's a bit controversial, not gonna lie. And um, you know, people are going to either listen to this and be like, yeah, no, I don't agree with her, or you're gonna listen to this and you're gonna be like, oh my god, I'm so glad she said that. So let's get into it. Um I posted a rail on my Instagram earlier this morning, and I was it honestly, I was kind of ranting, to be honest. It needs I I needed to get this out. There's been this thing that I've noticed. So in the last couple months, I've made a very diligent effort to um expand my reach online. So that's looked like um a very specific content strategy. Um, and behind that content strategy is a lot of honesty about the topics that I'm really passionate about. So um, if you have no idea who I am and you're listening to this, and this is the first thing that you've heard, um I'm a new mom. I've been a mom for a little over two years. I'm also a working mom. Um, and I own a business. So there's all of those layers as well. Um and I have been openly expressing what my rookie year of motherhood has been like online. And, you know, I'll be honest, it's doubled my following um in a very short period of time because not many people are honest about it, but it's also been met with um a lot of people saying that I'm playing the victim. And so that is what we're gonna talk about today. Because if there's one thing I cannot fucking stand, it's when other women, and it's always other moms, it's literally always other moms. I don't know, I I was not aware that when you become a mom, you basically get um uh indoctrinated into this like weird, weird, like clickish society of like you're either this type of mom or you're this type of mom or you're this type of mom, and like all of these little cliques, they don't like each other. It's like a big meme girls club. Um, truly. And not for nothing. This is part of the reason why moms don't speak up, is because it's very obvious when you come become a parent how clickish all of these things are. So, like, why would you speak up? Um, don't we all have like childhood wounds of being like rejected by friends that we thought loved us? Why why would I speak up, right? But it's crazy because I did not know that that's what was was going to happen in motherhood, but that is what I've noticed. But um, it's always other women, it's always other moms that um say to me on some of this content that I put out. Um, you know, for example, I put out a piece of content talking about um the village and how a lot of my village were people that I paid. People didn't like that. People didn't like that. People were calling me a victim. Um, I've put out content talking about how um, you know, breastfeeding, or I'm sorry, not breastfeeding, pumping while plugged into a wall in the corner of a room while everybody is in the kitchen eating dinner or conversing will will literally change you. People didn't like that. People told me that I needed to find a wearable and and be included. And I I tried the wearables, they didn't work. Um, and so I'm I'm being called a victim over that, right? There's so many things that I've started to talk about um to really just like normalize this, and I'm being met with a like, well, you're choosing to be a victim. And I'm gonna be very honest, I think that this narrative in motherhood um is so fucking harmful for new moms and even veteran moms, because when women realize or can sense that there is a risk of getting backlash for just expressing themselves um and admitting that things are hard um or saying that they don't like something, they will not speak up. And if there's anything that I've learned about motherhood, whether that whether that be your you are working or not, if there's anything that I've learned about motherhood, is that holy shit, you have got to speak up. You have got to tell people when you're having a hard time. You have got to tell people when you're questioning yourself, you have got to tell people um when you're spiraling. You cannot keep that shit to yourself. But moms, we keep that shit to ourself. And we do that for so many reasons. We do that because we think that we should be able to handle it. We think that we should be able to just figure it out. But also, there's this like very real fear of, well, what if I get criticized for being honest about it? And like, full stop. Motherhood is both the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and the most empowering thing I've ever done in my life. Motherhood is also one of the most brutal things I have ever done in my life, and also something that I would do over and over and over again. There are parts of motherhood, and and people do not like when I use this word, but it's honest, there are parts of motherhood that I absolutely fucking hated. And when my daughter gets older, I will tell her that. Because then if she has a child, I want her to feel so seen and understood if there are moments of early motherhood that she hates too. And I want her to feel so comfortable coming to me and telling me that. I want her to feel so comfortable expressing that. Because guess what happens when women and mothers feel safe expressing the things about their experience that maybe aren't glamorous, positive, and like, you know, grateful and gratitude all the time. Guess what happens when women feel extremely safe expressing that? When they can express that, they end up getting more help. They end up getting more support. They end up getting more resources. We talk all of the time. I hear people talk all the time, and I talk about this of like modern moms aren't supported. Of course we're not supported. The system that we live in, the society that we live in, modern villages, it's all it's not set up to support moms. But do you know what else is not set up to support moms? Other moms. Other moms, because we we pass judgment. We're very passive aggressive. You'll hear people say, like, oh, well, um, not to be that mom, but um, did you know? Or have you ever tried? Or my kid would never, or oh my gosh, did you like I, you know, our kid does this. Oh no, we don't do process. Like, people, mothers think that they have the best intentions when they communicate with other moms, but whether it's passive aggressive or not, it you we're not like there's not a big enough focus on helping women feel safe and supported and just expressing themselves. The duality of being able to say there were parts of motherhood that I hated. Let me give you an example: the sleep deprivation. Guys, I was borderline hallucinating. I was borderline hallucinating. I'm allowed to hate that and also believe that motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. And it's the fact that people cannot hold both of those things to be true without making me out to be the fucking villain is the whole fucking problem. Here's another example. There was a part in my breastfeeding journey where I was truly convinced that my husband and my daughter would be better off without me. Okay? My husband and my daughter would be better off without me. That is how breastfeeding made me feel. I am allowed to say that I hated breastfeeding because it made me suicidal. While also saying that I am so grateful that I had the experience that I had and that I get to be a mom. But no, but no, people can't handle hearing the bad because this narrative of motherhood is that it has to be this like thing that you martyr yourself and you sacrif sacrifice yourself for. Well, yeah, of course. That's fatherhood too. You know, let's bring the dads into this. It's not just the women that sacrifice, the men do too. But men never have this much pressure put on them. It's only the women. And have we ever stopped to like question why that why that is? Right? Have we like, have we ever stopped to question like it's not enough that the systems and the the jobs that we have, and how dare I even say the fucking government, everything. It's not enough that all of these systems that are driven by men don't support the modern working mom, but now it's the women too that don't support the modern working mom. Do you know how much easier it would be if you heard a mother expressing how difficult something was? There's a difference between expressing a hardship and complaining about it. Right? The example that I give is if my child, let's say my child was in middle school and she came home and she was crying because fucking geometry class or fucking calculus or Spanish or whatever was pissing her off and it overwhelmed her and she just felt like a failure, and she came home from school crying about it. In what world would I ever look her in the face and you're saying, You're being a fucking victim to geometry, babe? Tough it up. No, I would say, you know what? I fucking hated math too. I loved math. I would tell her, I hated science too. It was awful. I totally feel you, and it's okay that you feel that way. Let's figure out some things to make that easier for you. How's that sound? Huh? Huh? Do you see how different that is? Why don't we do that with women? Like, why don't we do that with mothers? It's always you should be grateful you have a kid. Other people can't. That's not what this is about. Like, can we not hold the fact that yeah, there are people that can't have kids? And also those that do have kids have a really hard time. If one does not cancel out the other, all of those experiences fucking matter. All of them matter, but that is not what is happening, and probably it's not what has happened in the history of motherhood. But it's so obvious to me now, and I know some people are gonna say, like, oh, well, Kate, it's on the internet. People in real life would never be like that. Yes, they would. Yes, they would at the grocery store. You get the passive aggressive comments from fucking boomers. Yes, they would. People do this in person, people do this online, people do this everywhere. It's not enough that motherhood is not supported by all of these external influences, but now other moms are being the things that don't support moms. Don't put me down for that. The only click that I want to be in is the click where if I sense or I can see that a mom wants to just say that she's having a horrible fucking time, I want to be in the click that says, Hey, I got you, I'll be right there. Or pick up the phone, call me. I I want to talk to you. I hear you, I see you. Your your feelings are so valid. I just got off the phone not even an hour ago with someone that I know because she put out an SOS message and immediately I said, pick up the phone and call me. I'm free. And what happened on that phone call? I let her express how awful it felt. I let her express how much of a failure she felt like. I let her get all of that out and I validated her for it. And I told her her and so many other women feel this way. And what can we do to make this feel better for you? We need more of those conversations. And I'm sorry, if me being honest about very normal experiences in motherhood, because by the way, all of these things that I'm now sharing about my rookie year in motherhood, at the time I truly thought I was the only one experiencing. And I felt this way because nobody else is talking about it. Or if they are talking about it, it's like impossible to find them in the in the internet sea of toxic fucking positivity of motherhood. Yes, we can be positive, but can we also be realistic? It's hard on the body, it's hard on the mind, it's hard on your marriage, it's hard on your career, it's hard on all of those things. And equally, it's still the best. Like, I have literally cried three times today. Three times today, it is Thursday. I've cried three times today about how fucking grateful and just overwhelmed in love I am with motherhood and the fact that I get to be this person's mom. I've cried three times today about it, and it has absolutely impacted every aspect of my life in both positive and negative ways. Truly. Like we have to like, I just want people to have more conversations about this. Truly, I wish that they would. Um, because I know for me, had I heard more people talking about it, it would have changed everything for me. I still would have had a hard time my first year in motherhood because that's like that's like the rite of passage when you're a new mom. Like you want to control everything, you think it's gonna go a certain way, and it doesn't, and you have to learn the art of surrender and you have to earn like learn the art of everything that is like, you know, cognitive flexibility in motherhood and also like nervous system regulation in motherhood. Holy shit, that needs to be its own episode. But like, if more people were talking about this, I still think I would have had an easier time. And maybe, I don't know, just maybe I wouldn't have gotten to that place where I believed my my husband and my daughter would have been better off without me. Yeah. It's the fact that people get uncomfortable when I admit that um that is the problem. So I want to end this episode by telling you guys about a book that I just read. Um, I read a lot of books. Um, I started to read a lot of books about motherhood written by other mothers. I feel like I'm finally at a place in motherhood where I can tolerate hearing and reading. Like I'm I, you know, I don't feel like I'm in survival as much anymore. And it damn near took two years. Full transparency. Um I just I could have never fathomed fathomed reading books about motherhood um even a year ago. It I my headspace was not there. Um, but I'm I'm to a place now where I'm very receptive to hearing about other people's experiences in motherhood, specifically um authors that are moms. And I just finished a book that I think every single mom listening to this should read. Um, and I I say that with like so much like like gusto. Like you should read this if you're a parent. If you're thinking about being a par-no, actually, if you're thinking about being a parent, I don't want you to read this yet. Here's the caveat. If you've been a mom for at least a year, I want you to read this. Because again, if I would have read this book a year and a half ago, I would not have understood yet. So if you're if you're you know finishing up your rookie year of motherhood, if you're more seasoned, I want you to read this book. Um, it's by Leslie Ann Bruce, and it's called You Are a Fucking Awesome Mom. Um, and it says, so embrace the chaos, get over the guilt, and be true to you. Um, I read this book in three days. Such an incredible story of of what her motherhood was like as a um as a working mom. And there's so much raw honesty in this book, the same type of raw honesty that is um contributing to other moms online telling me that I'm playing a victim. So that is what I have for you guys today. Maybe I'll do a follow-up episode talking about um the nervous system development as a mom because that like that truly needs to be its own episode. Um, but yeah, I, you know, I just want to invite you guys, if you know any moms, um, after you listen to this and you find yourself either seeing or sensing that they're having a hard time, I want to invite you to just go up and ask them or or give them an opportunity to express themselves to you. And I want you to hear everything that they have to say, and then I just want you to validate it. I don't want you to try and tell them a fix. I don't want you to try and tell them a solution. I want you to just validate a mom this week, this weekend, next week. Like, please go out of your way to find a newer mom or a mom that you know is struggling. Maybe she has three kids, four kids, and she's home with the kids while hubby's working or whatever. I want you to go out of your way um to start a conversation with her and validate whatever she says to you and make her feel safe enough that she can express herself. It's so incredibly important. Okay. Talk soon.

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Bye.