2 Things I Regret As A Mother

Two moments of motherhood I’m not proud of… but I’m sharing them anyway.

In this episode, I talk about how easy it is to lose trust in yourself as a mom,  especially when you’re overstimulated, burnt out, and just looking for a break.

We get into:

•  how scrolling can quietly mess with your confidence as a parent 
•  why “taking a break” on your phone doesn’t actually feel like a break 
•  what’s really happening in your nervous system when everything feels like too much 
•  and the honest truth about resentment, ambition, and early motherhood 

I probably overshared, but I have this feeling I'm not the only one.

WIRED: https://www.mnmfitnessco.com/wired

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up you guys? Welcome back to the Dope Mean Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. I was thinking this morning on my run. Guys, I went on a run. Here comes on cat. I went on a run. I don't know who who I think I am, but um I'm trying out running. Yes, boots. Come here, sweet girl, come up here, and then please be quiet. Um, but I was thinking on my run this morning. There were two memories that I had actually, and this is about motherhood, and this is about um two moments of motherhood that I'm not particularly proud of, but I want to share because I think that there's a really important lesson there. So um the first moment was a couple months ago. I was, I'll never forget, uh sitting in the kitchen. My daughter was finishing her dinner, it was like 6 p.m. And it was just one of those evenings where she's in a mood, I'm in a mood, the dog is in a mood, work was stressed. Like it was just like that day where you guys know, like you just like you don't got it. Like you don't fucking got it. You're you don't got it, and you wish you had it, but you don't. And so um, I was just really not in a good mood. I was very overstimulated, and my husband describes my overstimulation as like okay, you just kind of like get into a zone, you have this mean face on, and you just like rage clean the kitchen, and like nothing else matters but the cleaning. And I'm like, yep, that sounds about right. And so it was that type of like moment. And I was sitting there at our island waiting for my daughter to finish eating, and I picked up my phone and I started scrolling, um, just like out of habit. Um, but also like because I was uncomfortable, like because I just wanted anything to focus on other than the 8,000 crumbs on the floor, the dog that was at my feet, and the the dishes that like it just was I just wanted, I just wanted a break. I just wanted a break. And so I picked up my phone and I started scrolling. And I came across, you know how like Instagram pretty much like doesn't show you any of the things from people that you follow, but it shows you everything from people that you um don't follow. Love that. And um I came across, it was like the second thing that I had seen, and her handle, like her username looked like it was a professional. I think she had like doctor in front of it. So like immediately um I was taking what she said so seriously, right? And it was basically a video of um she was at a dinner table and her toddler was having a tantrum at her feet of the dinner table. So I was like, oh wow, this is like exactly my situation. Like, let me let me watch this, right? Like it had my attention. And the lady at the table, she is just like very delicately just like eating her food. And she'll like look over at her daughter, having like a complete meltdown on the ground, and just look at her, like not say anything, not offer anything to I guess I don't know, to see if like the daughter would the kid would like stop reacting that way. And then when she didn't, and the kid was like reaching for stuff, like she would just like look back at her plate and keep eating. And I was like, that's interesting because like my knee-jerk reaction before I even read the caption or before I did anything else, like my like my immediate reaction was one, like that seems weird that she's not like trying to help regulate the child. But then immediately, like almost as soon as I like was able to think about what I would do, I pushed that thought away because I'm like, well, she's a doctor, and this video has um 12,000 comments on it, not 12,000, but like 1,300 comments on it. And immediately in my head, I was like, oh, I must be wrong for feeling like I would want to try and you know get get on my child's level and and help her regulate. Like she's looks like the child's having a really hard time, and like my child has had a hard time like that. And my knee-jerk reaction is always to try and be at her level and be very neutral, um, and just be a calming presence for her, like let my daughter borrow my energy. But like because this person was a doctor, or so her username said, because the video had like 1300 comments, um, and because it was fucking online, I was like, like there was a moment, like I literally almost reshared it because I was like, oh, well, okay, this must be the better way. My audience will probably want to see this. Let me go ahead and reshare this. And guys, before I hit the reshare button, I paused and I read the caption, and I basically kind of disagreed with the caption, and I was like, Well, what is everybody in the comments saying? And when I opened up the comments, she was getting ripped apart. There was actually plenty of people that agreed with what my initial thought was on it. The thought of like, you know, that's I feel like I would respond to my child if she was having a hard time like that. Like, I would want her to know that I can be there to help her regulate. Like, she's at an age where that's like not very doable. Like, two-year-olds can't self-regulate. Sorry, not sorry, but that's just the truth, you know. But like, my point in telling you guys this is one, in a matter of the, I don't know, 90 seconds it took for me to watch that video, my brain had almost fully changed its opinion on how I would then start responding to my own child. My brain immediately wanted to push away what my knee-jerk reaction was, what my gut feeling was, what I know to be how I desire to parent my child. In the 90 seconds it took for me to watch that video, I almost like, dude, I almost like misstepped on what I know about myself as a parent. And I share that with you guys because one, if I would have reshared that, I would have been mortified. But two, even in that moment, the fact that I was able to kind of like watch myself go through that process of like doubting myself, questioning myself, and then pretty much telling myself that I was wrong and this lady must have the better way. Like it was this crazy cycle of like, this is what I would do. Nope, this isn't what I would do. Um, oh man, I must be so wrong. Oh my gosh, I'm probably fucking up my kid. Like, in the moment that I actually believed the video, I was also met with the feeling of like, fuck man, I had just been doing this whole parenting thing so fucking wrong. And I'm sitting there at the island and my daughter's eating, and now all of a sudden I'm questioning everything I know about myself as a parent and feel so much guilt and shame in them in a matter of 60 seconds. It was crazy. It was literally crazy. And I remember, I remember putting my phone down and just being like, oh my god, like what the fuck? Like what, like what am I even looking for right now? And guys, the truth is, kind of like I said at the beginning, like the just the automatic behavior we sometimes have of picking up our phone, like, listen, it was just a rough afternoon, and I was looking for one, a break, two, somewhere to put my brain that wouldn't require it to think, and three, relief. Like that's what I wanted. But like the the the biggest problem with that is if we're really not careful, we're gonna find that in ways that are actually really harmful to us because the relief that I was looking for from the day that I had had and the moment that I was in right there at the island, that relief, like the relief actually came in the form of seeing a video that had all of those comments that was very emotionally captivating to me. Like for a moment, that gave me relief. But really, that relief was just a distraction. And then look at what that distraction almost did to me. Look at what that distraction almost did to me. Like I caught it, thank God. But like it really made me question, especially back in like the early motherhood days. Oh man, I probably had that happen so many times and don't even realize how much just seeing what other people have said has probably influenced how I feel and view myself as a parent. And like, that's a fucking problem. Like, and it's not even that, like, and and this is why, like, if you follow me on Instagram, I've been saying over and over and over again, it's like really not that like the apps or the scrolling or social media is the problem because it's not, it's really not the problem. The problem is the fact that we don't have enough regulation, we don't have enough capacity when we open up these apps, and so we're so fucking susceptible to anything that we see. A really good example of this, and I will never forget. And you, if you guys want to cancel me for bringing this up on my podcast, go for it. I don't fucking care. When Charlie Kirk was shot, yeah, we're gonna go there. We're gonna fucking go there. When Charlie Kirk was shot, the wave of trauma that we all felt. I remember when that happened, I was doing spending so much time with my clients, helping them just process the rest of their day. Like I was literally doing so much emotional regulation work with my clients because they had seen a 10-second clip online. I was doing so much of that. When the Epstein files came out, I was doing so much of that. And the work that I had to do for clients was really just like, hey, babe, it's okay. I like listen, before you go inside, sit in your car for a second. I know today has felt like a lot, but objectively on paper, no, work was fine. There was really nothing else about their day that was a lot, but it was what they had seen and the absolute like demolition of any buffer and bandwidth and capacity that they had completely wiped out. That is the problem. Like, that is the problem I keep coming back to when I say the things that I say on social media about like technology and scrolling and all of those things. I'm not demonizing the technology. It's gonna be here. We have to learn to live with it. But I am really urging you guys to take a lot of control over your energy and your capacity and the health of your nervous system as you consume it. That is what I'm encouraging. The reality is when I was sitting there at the island with my daughter, I did not really need to pick up my phone. I did it out of habit and I did it because that was the closest relief to me. It really does feel like sometimes that's the only break my brain gets. But listen, all of you guys tell me all the time, yeah. Well, sometimes I just want to scroll because it feels like a break for my brain. And then we talk, okay. Well, how'd that feel? Didn't really feel good. Why do we keep picking up the thing that we think is a break that we have been repeatedly shown over and over and over again is not the fucking break? Why do we keep doing that? Why do we keep doing that? Well, one, because it's the temporary relief, it's easier, nothing else has been made available to you. And more than that, it's really not realistic to just say, well, like, um, detox from social media, or we're just like, don't pick it up. Do we not understand like have we forgotten like how the brain works? It's like when you try and tell yourself, like, I'm not gonna eat sweets, I'm not gonna eat sweets, and you just want them even more. Like the telling yourself to just not do it isn't the solution. That actually makes it worse. Doesn't it make more sense to just prime and prep and buffer your brain and your nervous system? That way, when you pick it up, regardless of the frequency that it is, there's a bit more of a shield between what you're consuming. You have a bit more control over the discernment around is this content for me or is it not? You're not suddenly changing what you believe to be yourself, but what you believe to be your parenting style because somebody with a DR in front of their name posted a video that if by the way, when you look at the comments, everybody fucking disagreed with it. Like, does that like am I making sense here? Am I not making sense here? So that was the first thing, first motherhood, you know, experience that I had that I'm kind of ashamed to admit happened, but it's true. And I gotta imagine that if you're listening to this, you're probably like, I've definitely had that experience. The second experience that I had, and I will never forget this. Um, I record these podcasts from my phone, and I remember the first year of motherhood. I would often try and record a podcast while on a walk with my daughter. Um, and you know, the reality is everything was urgent. I didn't have a lot of time to get work done, and I also was unwilling to take a fucking break from work, and that's a podcast for another episode. Um, but I would often try and record these episodes on my phone, and I so many times, I guarantee I still have the audios. And if I was to scroll back in my phone, I guarantee I would be able to see to find them. Um, but I am really ashamed to admit that there were so many times where I would get like two minutes into a podcast and then she would start crying and then I would get mad at her. Yeah. Yeah. Really ashamed to admit that because really the problem was I was trying to work, I was trying to record those podcasts. Look, on one hand, I could argue like I was multitasking, I didn't have any childcare, I was getting done what I needed to get done, and I was just being really resourceful in doing that. No, not really true. I was sleep deprived, I didn't feel like I had any support. Work felt like the only escape for me in the same way a lot of us scroll because it feels like the only break available for our brain. For a lot of us, really ambitious women that become moms, we do not let go of work because work feels like the only break for motherhood. Am I right or am I right? Motherhood can feel like a huge fucking threat to us when we've been ambitious our entire fucking life. You don't get to I listen, this is not up for discussion. I said what I said. Motherhood will feel like the biggest threat to a woman that is highly ambitious, hyper-independent, and has used work as a crutch for her whole life. Because when I was less than a year postpartum the amount of times that I got mad with a baby for making baby noises, but I got mad because she was disrupting me from the break, the vice, the outlet that I really wanted to give my brain because I just needed a break from motherhood. And it was only 8:30 in the fucking morning when this was happening. So I share those two things with you because one, I'm not afraid to say them. Two, I've done a lot of work around why those two specific situations happened. And I know exactly what it was. It was truly just my system being in pure survival mode and just wanting anything other than my present reality to feel like a break. That's all it is. Whether, guys, whether you're scrolling, shopping, eating, it does gossiping, it doesn't matter. Like our systems are constantly looking to feel safe. And when we have things in life, whether that be motherhood, stress, or career, when we have things in life that just make it don't make it feel unsafe, we are gonna reach for things that we want to believe are breaks, but we all know don't actually give us the break we're looking for. Give your guys, give your guys, guys' brains the break that it actually needs, okay. Last night I launched, well, I launched, I revealed my new program. My new program is called Wired. Yeah, play on words. Um, you guys are gonna hear me talk about this a lot. You've probably been hearing me talk about it on social media, and I just want to say to you before I wrap this up, I just want to say to you guys that there is a difference between people that have a really hard time, people that look at their lives and just kind of feel like it's flat, and decide to do something really different about it, and the people that don't. And that difference is one bucket is happy, the others are kind of numb. And I think, well, I don't think, I know a lot of us are walking around numb. We're walking around completely burnt out, we're walking around wanting to escape these moments that we know we love and just want to be in. Like the amount of times I'm just like, I just want to be able to fucking play blocks. Like, why is playing with my daughter so fucking hard? The amount of times that I would feel that way, but then not feel like I could do anything to make it feel better. That is what has changed. That's what nervous system work, that's what building a buffer and a shield around the most important thing in your journey as a parent, which is your presence in your brain. Like, that's why all that stuff matters so much. And I just really want to encourage you. I'm gonna link the page for Wired in the episode um show notes. I really just want to encourage you to look at that. I put my heart and soul into every single word on that page because this program is so, so important to me. Um, whether you are a parent or not, it doesn't matter. All of us are walking around feeling this way, all of us are living a life that is just kind of dulled. And it doesn't have to be, and I don't want it to be for any of you guys. So I encourage you guys to look at the page. This has been me sharing two things about motherhood that I feel embarrassed about. Um, and yeah, we'll talk soon.