A Hard Season of Marriage ❤️

WIRED: https://www.mnmfitnessco.com/wired

This episode started with me painting my nails… and turned into one of the biggest realizations about burnout I’ve had.

I share a season where I felt completely disconnected, from my husband, my energy, and honestly myself, and the unexpected moment that snapped me out of it.

Inside this episode:

•  why burnout doesn’t make your brain shut down… it actually speeds it up 
•  the real reason “rest” doesn’t work when you’re exhausted 
•  what your brain actually needs to get out of survival mode 
•  and how one small shift completely changed my ability to connect again 

If you’re tired, overstimulated, and wondering why nothing is helping… this will click. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Doparine Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. I'm actually painting my nails right now as I do this episode. So if you hear some noises, that would be what it is. Um I sent out an email last night to my email community. So if you're there, you hopefully read it. I mean, if you didn't read it, what the frick are you doing? Go read it. Um, but in that email, I was basically talking about, and I kind of want to like tell you guys a story. So I have had a season where it was actually really hard to connect with my husband. And that also kind of led to me being like like pretty irritated and just like overwhelmed and like frustrated. Um, not at him, but like at the fact that I just like could not, I was like so exhausted and like so truly burnt out that like I just didn't have it in me. Like I literally did not have it in me after a day of working, a day of parenting, a day of you know, working through my own things in there. Like I'm doing a lot of like therapy work right now. I'm doing a lot of like inner child work, and it's just a lot sometimes, uh, all the time. And um it would just be hard. Like I've come out of a season where it was just super challenging to connect um with my husband and just like feel like at the end of the day, I had any form of capacity to do anything other than sit next to him on the couch, and that's it, right? And so, you know, me and my husband have a great relationship. We have a great relationship. Um, and we communicate very well. Um, and we always, always know no matter what is going on, no matter what the other person is going through, we always know that both of us share the same intention. We always know that no matter what kind of mood we are in, or mostly I am in, um, that we are on each other's team, no matter what, right? Like we have that as a foundation. And I really feel like that has been the thing that has allowed us to get through um, you know, some pretty challenging seasons of life since we've been married. So um I've had a season where it was just really, really hard. And I'm sure many of you can probably relate to that where it's like you love your spouse, like you love your partner, but it just like the energy, like the ability, the bandwidth, the capacity, like like I just did not have any charge by the end of the day. And it was a very frustrating cycle to be in. And I would almost notice, like, you know, he would try and connect and I would kind of like freeze, which makes sense, and I'll talk about that in a minute. But like I would literally like freeze up, like I wouldn't be able to do anything. Um, like my whole body, head to toe, would freeze. And me being a nervous system practitioner, it was it was more frustrating because I knew exactly what was going on. Like I could like, I could like observe myself going through this, um, but not be able to get myself to do what I needed to do. And like, isn't that like the whole conundrum about the nervous system and being even being like highly self-aware is like you know what to do, but it doesn't matter that you know what to do. You can't get your body on board to do it. Like that is everyone's problem, especially if you are someone that like identifies as being highly self-aware. I guarantee you are you are self-aware and highly stuck. Um, guarantee it. Um would put$100 on that. But, you know, that was the season that I had. And I will never forget, I will for I will never forget one night. We were sitting on the couch, bedtime with our child was a fight, and we're just, you know, he works a very demanding job. Like he has a very demanding job. He's a rocket scientist. Like he like he has a demanding job. And he comes home fried too sometimes, but like his desire to connect has always been there, no matter how fried he is. Um, and my ability to has just always um been kind of shattered based on the day or what season of life that we were in. So um I will never forget that night we were sitting there. Both of us, you know, pretty frazzled, me definitely more than him. And um we we would do this thing, and I'm sure you guys do this too. I in fact, I know most of you guys do this. Um, whether you're sitting there with your partner or not, you'll finally get time to yourself at the end of the day and you'll turn Netflix on for background noise. Um, but then you'll be scrolling your phone. But like you have to have something on Netflix, but like you can't actually pay attention to it. Yeah, anyways, you should come into Wired. Um, but I will never forget we were doing that and we were trying to figure out something to watch. Nothing sounded good, nothing sounded good. Of course, nothing sounded good. And we turned on YouTube, and one of the suggested videos was this like um trivia video. But it was trivia in the sense that like they grabbed like 10 to 12 strangers off the street or whatever and lined them up and like basically um by process of elimination um would narrow it down to one winner. And we just put it on. Like we just put it on, and I'm scrolling my phone, and in the background, I hear these questions being asked, like these very simple trivia questions being asked. And I remember being like, oh my gosh, like I felt myself want to start watching the TV versus my phone. Like I felt my like I was so curious, like my curiosity was piqued. I was like, wait a minute, I want to try and answer these questions. This feels like a challenge. This feels really good. Let me see how many I can get right. And before you know it, we're both sitting there watching the trivia video, and like, you know, almost like um in like a game with one another, seeing who can answer the quickest. Um, and it's crazy because, like, in a moment, we went from just having it on as background noise, both of us being on our phones, just in that season where it was just hard. And suddenly to like, I'm laughing with him again. And I remember, I remember, I don't remember what trivia question it is, but I remember I answered it wrong. And he like the answer that I gave was like so insanely absurd that he started laughing. And I started laughing back, and I remember as I was laughing, just feeling like, oh my God, I miss this so much. Like I missed this so much. I'm so happy this is happening right now. Like I'm so grateful that I don't know what happened, but I just feel like I can laugh with him. And I feel like it felt like it felt like a glimpse of who we were before life happened and and parenting happened and sleep deprivation happened and stress happened. Like it felt like, you know, it was us again. And um I can like vividly remember that feeling. And, you know, we went to bed and I woke up the next morning and I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I was like, what the heck? Like, what the heck is going on? Like, where why did that what was it? And so I I I I remember I went on a walk that morning, and for 60 minutes I just thought about it over and over and over again, and it dawned on me, obviously. Like, I I have so much education and expertise in like the brain and how the brain works, right? Like you guys know this. Like, that was one of the very first professional credentials that I pursued was um regarding neuroscience. Um, because I desperately wanted to understand the brain so I could understand mine. Um, and it dawned on me. Like it was like I was walking and all of a sudden it was like, oh my god, fucking duh. Like, duh. This makes so much sense. Of course, of course, this is what happened. Um, and so I want to tell you guys like what the like aha moment was. Um, because I think it, I think it's important. I think it's important for you guys to understand, especially if you're in that season. Um, so the aha moment was this. I remember um in my very first professional um coaching credential on um the topic of neuroscience and how the brains work. I remember um a topic, um, one of the lessons and one of the weeks that we spent um exploring burnout and specifically brains that are burnout and what happens to them and ultimately what they need. Um, and I remember we had this like um everyone in the class, there were like um 14 people in my class for this. Um, and we broke up, we did like breakout rooms on Zoom and we had conversations about like, well, you know, what do we think the like what do we think people um make mistakes on? Like what do what do we think the solution is for burnout? And I remember um at the time, this was back in 2021, at the time, um I I also wasn't a parent yet, and I said, Oh, you know, obviously if like a brain is burnout, like it just needs to rest, like it needs to like calm down, like it needs to just like have time off, like take some vacation days, take some PTO. And um, everybody else was like parents, and they all looked at me like like they looked at and I was like the youngest one in the class by like 10 years, and so they just kind of gave me that look like she has no idea what she's talking about, but okay, right. And they were giving all these other, like, you know, really in my mind at the time, like complex answers. And I was like, but it's like it has to just be so simple, right? Like it just has to be just take some time off, like just rest. Um, and we we get back into the main class, like we finish out the breakout rooms, and I will like I will never forget, like I can vividly remember the class now. I remember where I was sitting at in my apartment. I rem like I remember everyone in my class, I remember all of it so clearly now. And um what we ended up learning, and what I ended up learning was um burnout brains actually do not need rest. Burnout brains actually um do not need to calm down because when you think about a brain that is burnt out, um the analogy that I like to use is um trying to tell a burnt out brain to calm down is kind of like expecting a smoke alarm to stop going off in a room full of smoke. Um, when our brains get burnt out, when we get burnt out, we shift into something called survival mode. And survival mode means hypervigilance, constantly scanning, um, looking for problems to fix, looking for things to control, overanalyzing everything in our life, right? Like that is that is actually what survival mode means. And a really good example of like how this shows up in people's day to day is well, think about if you guys do resonate with ever being burnt out, or maybe you're burnt out right now, think about the last time that you tried to take a day off and you're like, Yeah, I'm gonna like sit on the couch, I'm gonna read a book, I'm gonna like take a nap. Um, and then you like lay down to take a nap, and it's like your brain is on fire, and it's like your thoughts start um racing 50 miles per hour more than they were before you laid down. And it's like you are wired. Like you are fucking wired. Um, or you know, you're like, I'm gonna read this book, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna really just like take it easy. Um, and then you try and do that, and it's like you can't stop focusing on the laundry that has to get done or the um, you know, the kitchen pantry that needs to be reorganized. I like there's always something you need to do, right? Like, how many of you guys, the last time you tried to take a rest day, noticed that happen? Probably a lot of you guys. Every client that I works with, that I work with that's burnt out struggles with this. Um, and it makes sense if we really think about what happens to the brain when it's burnt out. When a brain is burnt out, it doesn't shut down, it actually ramps up. And that's what most people get so backwards. What your brains need, and I promise I'm going somewhere in reference to the trivia, and my husband just followed me. What our brains need when we are burnt out, what they need is they need a problem to fix, they need something to focus on, and they need dopamine. But they need dopamine that is actually sustaining. The mistake that people make is well, I'm gonna rest. I'm gonna lay on the couch, I'm resting, I'm hashtag sitting down, but I also need some dopamine, so I'm gonna scroll a little bit, but at least I sat down. But no, we all know the dopamine that we get from scrolling never feels that good, right? Or even if we even sit down for long enough, it never works. We never actually get the rest that we're looking for, we never get the break that we're looking for. Burnt-out brains actually need, like they need a fucking quest. They need something to accomplish. They need something that will stretch them and give them an opportunity to close a loop. Believe it or not, I know it sounds so ass backwards, but another way this shows up for you guys, and I'm sure you're gonna hear this and be like, damn, this bitch is so right. You know? Um, let's let's just assume this. Um, when's the last time you guys were doom scrolling? And let's say you're doom scrolling because you're stressed. It's the first moment you had for yourself, which hey, I doom scroll as well. No biggie. Um, but you're doom scrolling, you're burnt out. It is what it is. It's what you want to do. And then you like randomly at like midnight find yourself in a deep dive on TikTok about like how Hershey's chocolate bars are made, or like how fucking Nerds Rogue Candy is made or something. Like these are actual deep dives that I have gone down, or like you see some like influencer drama that's like back and forth or like gossip, and you just like you lock in, right? And I guarantee that while you're doing that, whether it's a deep dive, whether it's a you're stalking someone and like somehow you know everything about their life, whether it's you know, drama that now you're just like you are like I want to be in it, right? Or maybe it's true crime. Hey, true crime, ladies, you too. Um you guys notice that when that happens, it's actually so easy for your brain to lock in and focus, right? It's like you can't like you can't get enough of it. It feels good to be that immersed in it. That's what the brain needs. Like that is actually what the brain needs. It needs a single thing to focus on. Because right now, if a brain is burnt out, it means you've had too much shit going on for way too long. And there are not even a hundred to open tabs in your head, there are thousands. Um, and all of these moving parts. Your brain needs one thing and one thing only to focus on, okay? And then it needs dopamine, it needs a reward, it needs to feel really satisfied about that thing that it focused on. So back to the trivia, back to that situation with my husband. It dawned on me when I was walking the next day. I was like, damn, of course that felt really good. It was one thing to focus on, it was something to solve, and it gave me dopamine because the questions that I got right, I was like, damn, look how smart I am. Guys, everybody gets it so wrong when they are burnt out. You actually don't need to calm down or rest. Like you, like your brain doesn't need that. Your brain needs something to focus on, one thing a problem to solve, and dopamine. Now, why am I telling you this story? Well, one, that experience with my husband is what inspired the brain labs in Wired, the upcoming program that I'm doing that starts on April 27th. Wired is literally a program for burnt-out brains. It's literally designed to take your burnout brain and actually repair it by giving it what it needs. And these brain labs are unique in the sense that um it's not trivia. They're not like puzzles, but they are challenges. They are things that your brain can lock in and focus on. I'm not asking you to learn, I'm not asking you to retain anything. I'm asking you to focus and find the answer for me. And when you do that, you're gonna get the dopamine from it. You're gonna feel really satisfied. It's essentially the same fucking thing. And even more than that, more than that. It inspired the brain labs in Wired. But even when I built out, there's over there's over 30, no, there's like 34 brain labs in Wired. Um, even more than that. When I built all of these, I said, okay, let me let me like chat with an expert. And I reached out to a psychologist that I know, Dr. Julia Brown, and I sent everything to her and I said, Hey, look what do you think about these brain labs? Do you think that they would help a brain that is burnt out? Do you think that they are gonna do the thing that I understand them to do? Um, and she said, Yeah, and she actually even said she wanted them for herself and she wanted them for some of her patients. When you are burnout, okay, whether you guys come in and do Wired or not, when you are burnout, I want you to think about those two things. One thing to focus on and solve, and how can you get dopamine from it? That is actually what your brain needs to shift out of survival mode and come back down to a normal pace. That is what your brain needs. And I just want to say, as I wrap this up, what time am I at? Oh, almost 20 minutes. Yeah. I just want to say that experience with my husband, that season of just being so disconnected, but loving him and just being so confused on why it was so hard and why I had no energy and just being so frustrated with my brain. That season is what inspired the creation of this because I have to believe that I'm not the only woman, mom, working mom that gets to the end of the day and feels like she has barely anything left for her husband, her kids, or God forbid the fucking dog. If you know you know. I can't, I like I gotta believe I'm not the only one that feels that way. And I gotta believe that my brain is not the only brain that experiences that level of burnout. And burnout brains need the same thing. So Wired Starts Monday. I will link it in the show notes. And as always, find me on social media, send me an email, and let's talk about it. I would actually prefer that we talk about it before you come in. Um, because it's it's yeah, I guess talk about it all day. So talk to you guys soon. Bye.