More, Ugly Crying, 3rd Person

This one cracked me open a little.

I’m in a season I’ve never been in before… where I’m not chasing more in the way I always have, and honestly, I don’t fully recognize myself here yet.

In this episode, I share:

•  what it’s been like to feel my inner critic get quieter… and how unsettling that actually is 
•  how I used to chase achievement to feel enough, and why that doesn’t drive me the same way anymore 
•  the weird, uncomfortable feeling of contentment 
•  and the daily tension between the version of me that wants to push… and the version of me that just wants to be 

I cried in this one. I laughed in this one. I’m still figuring it out in real time.

But this is what it looks like for me right now.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Doping Diaries Podcast. This is Coach Kate. This is probably gonna be a vulnerable one. Um man, I just feel like I need to get this out. I feel like I do. Um I am just I am such a what's the word? Um I am I am in a season. Like a renewed season of life that I have never dabbled in before. Like I am I am in new territory from a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual standpoint. Um and man, it's fucking uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable. But I am in a season of really wanting more. And when I say more, what I actually mean is I want more depth, I want more connection, I want more presence, I want more excitement, I want more life, if that makes sense. Um and it's interesting because I'm always somebody that has had the mindset of more, but where I've placed that mindset in the past has always been really different. I have um always like chased the next thing, and you know, even in my corporate career, I always I I would climb as fast as I could, accomplish as much as I can, make as much as I can, and and I was always in the pursuit of more man, I feel like I'm gonna cry.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

And I don't want to. Okay, I promise. Man, if I did these if I did these podcasts on videos, it would be tragic. Um I just man, I just I feel like I feel like HBA ruined my life because it woke me up, man.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

Oh my god, like it literally did exactly what I needed it to do. I uh I had no idea that when I made HBA, um that really I made it for me because it has helped and supported so many people. Like I just had someone message me over the weekend who did HBA last year, and she's in wired right now, but she messaged me and she said one of the things that um HBA changed for her, and she's forever grateful, is how loud that inner like critic was. And HBA call this our boohoo tuba. Um we all have a boohoo tuba, right? And she, you know, she just basically said like the boohoo tuba like just isn't loud anymore, and it's just completely changed her life. And when I read that message over the weekend, it really struck me because same. I feel like all of the things that like I would chase, my pursuit of more was fueled by my own like boohoo too, but my own inner critic. This like feeling of well, if I can just achieve a lot, um, I'll feel good enough, or if I can just um make as much money as possible, I'll feel safe enough, or if I uh, you know, learn enough, um, I'll have enough respect, right? And it all just stemmed from like my own inner critic just like constantly telling me over and over and over again that I wasn't enough in all of these different ways. You're not enough in your career, you're not enough in your friendships, you're not enough in your relationship, you're not enough as a mom.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Um and I can't believe I'm crying like this. I don't want to be. But I swear I just be leaking sometimes. I'm in a season of new leaking all the time.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

Um HBA really changed my inner critic, is what I'm trying to say. And because that inner voice, that inner not enoughness isn't so loud anymore and really hasn't been, you know, I spent a whole year immersed into HBA, into understanding and working with and learning and finding compassion and meeting that inner critic with so much love instead of like fear and shame. And um because of that, it's like now I can't go back. You know, I recorded another episode, I think it was probably like five or six episodes ago, kind of talking about something very similar where it's like, you know, I you get to this point where you do so much work on yourself that like you kind of you kind of reach a like not going back point. I feel like it's really easy sometimes to, you know, make a lot of progress and then lose it. You know, I'll use like health and dieting as an example. Like make a lot of progress, you lose it, it doesn't stick. Make a lot of progress, it doesn't stick, and it's just like this cycle. And I feel like with nervous system work, and I was just talking to a one-on-one client this morning about this. Um, you know, she said that she's she's noticing all the work that she's done now, she's noticing in all these other people. And I was like, yeah, I just told her. I was like, it's nervous system work is the type of work that you can't unsee it and you can't unfeel it. And it really is like it will ruin your life in the best of ways because now I'm in this like new uncharted territory of I don't want to chase more. And there's a larger part of me that does not want to chase more, and the little bit of me left that is like still kind of wants to go back there, she's like fighting to be heard, and so it's like every day I'm like now dealing with, you know, in the past it was a you're not enough, you're not enough, you're not enough. Now what I'm dealing with is this is enough, this is enough, this is enough, and I feel good and I feel safe in that. But it's like I have these like you know, little pesky voices kind of come in of like, um, are you sure? You sure you don't want to go back? You sure you don't want to, you know, put your head down and burn yourself out with work and you know, throw yourself into things to avoid being with yourself. Like, are you sure? Are you sure you don't want to do that? Um, and it's just like I've I've found this like overwhelming feeling of uncomfortable peace. It's new, I'm not used to it. Um, especially when it comes to my career um and my accomplishments. I'm just not used to feeling content. Um and it's like it feels a bit suspicious, you know. So um, but yeah, you know, I just I'm in this like weird season of I just I want more, but not in the way I've ever wanted it before. I truly want, truly want like more connection with people. I want more time and space to do things that I love versus do things that I think need to happen in order to prove myself. And I like literally can thank HBA for that. It fucking ruined my life. Um, because I think had I not done that, I would still be aggressively chasing as much as I could. And HBA just kind of like kind of took that inner voice that fueled all of that and and said, hey babe, you don't actually want that, and you don't have to like have that guard up anymore. Um maybe it's motherhood that's helped that, maybe it's a lot of the life experiences, but I just know that it's um it's refreshing, it's different. It's I just want more. I just truly want more in all of the opposite ways I've ever wanted it.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

It's so fucked. It's so fucked because it's like literally like the the boss babe in me is like, girl, you don't want more time.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

You clearly want more accomplishments, and I'm like, no, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

I've done enough, I've done a lot of really great things. I I really don't, and it's like just it's such a strange new season that I am in, and I feel like um everybody always says they want this type of season, but nobody actually really goes there because it it's the most confusing thing to have on a deep level what you want, but then still have to get through the time it's going to take a bit feeling deeply suspicious, um and like a bit unsettling at the same time, you know.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

I fight, I fight my inner boss babe every single day. I fight her every single day. I literally throw hands with that bitch every single day because I'm like, sit the fuck down. You've done enough. You've done like girl, you're tired. You are tired, and she is. Um, but I fight her every day, man, because she is persistent, and she's persistent because all she knows is that she is not enough. Um and that's all she's ever gonna know, right? I'm never gonna be able to fix that in her in me. I'm um just gonna get a lot better at uh making her feel a bit safer and and giving her a bit more space to relax. And if anyone's listening to this now, I'm being like, why is she like talking in the third person? Um, it's called parts work. Just look it up, please. Do not assume I'm crazy. I'm not, it's called parts work. Um, but yeah, so this has been an interesting episode, but it was really on my heart to share. Um it was it was really on my heart to share because I have a feeling I'm not alone in this, you know. I like to think that I have a lot of online business owners that listen to my podcast, and I also assume that a lot of those online business owners, if that's you, um, there's a level of loneliness that you might feel, even in some of your best moments as a business owner. Um I feel like in the world of online, it doesn't matter how much you do, it's usually pretty lonely at the top. And um if that's you, I just want to encourage you to find things, find people, find um experiences that really help you work with that um, you know, inner gremlin, inner boss babe, inner critic, your boohoo tuba, whatever you want to call it. Um find things that will help you continue to get to know that and understand it. Um that way, you know, if it's truly something that you don't want to have to keep surviving, you don't have to. Um, and you can learn to better live with it and work alongside it and and not let it be the version of you that is running everything. So for any of my podcast listeners, you are gonna be like, what the fuck did I just listen to? And for any of my longtime podcast listeners, well, I would hope that maybe you've noticed this in me. If I have any of my long-term clients listening to this, I hope that you've noticed this as well. Um, but if not, that's okay. Probably just means I've been more present and and more alive and and more free. And maybe that's why you haven't. But anyways, I cried like three times on this and laughed about it. So happy Monday, my friends.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Bye.