Self-Aware as hell...& STILL stuck

Okay… this is gonna be a little unhinged, because I had this realization like… oh.
I didn’t not do the work…

I just did a shit ton of work that didn’t actually change anything.

Like I could explain all my patterns, I could connect every single dot imaginable AND tell you why I was spiraling.....

while....actively still spiraling.  LOL So this episode is me basically calling that out.

I talk about:

•  how I spent years being “self-aware” but still stuck in the same cycles 
•  why healing actually feels like shit (and the second it does, we go find a new thing to try) 
•  the difference between understanding yourself… and actually not letting your emotions hijack you 
•  and how my brain STILL sometimes freaks out when I’m resting like “hi yes something is definitely wrong???” 

Also I said something in here that I can’t stop thinking about:

it used to feel like my emotions would grab me by the ponytail and just drag me around all day, & now… they show up…but they don’t have hands anymore.

Which sounds nice…until you realize you now have to SIT THERE AND FEEL IT.

Anyway.

If you’ve been on a “healing journey” for years and you’re like “why do I still feel like this???”

Hit play & spend 15 minutes with me today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

What's up, you guys? Welcome back to the Dopamine Diaries podcast. This is Coach Kate. I was thinking last night and I took some notes in my phone because I was like, man, I really want to make a podcast on this because I can't be the only one who has done this. Um, and so I wanna talk today to those of you that um maybe resonate with this feeling of like doing a lot of work, doing a lot of healing, right? Putting a lot of effort in into changing or um reprogramming or healing your trauma or whatever it may be, right? Doing a lot, like ugh I've been doing it, right? But not really feeling like the uh doing is giving much change that actually sticks. Um, and this is a pattern that I found myself in honestly for my whole life up until probably the last year, almost year and a half. Um, you know, I've talked about this a handful of times on this podcast, but HBA ruined my life. Um, the nervous system experience that I created at the end of 2024, Healthy Bitches Anonymous, HBA is what I call it, literally ruined my life. Um in the best way. Like it, it, it, it pushed me forward in a way that like doesn't allow me to go back, you know? And I think that's the biggest difference compared to all of this other, like, you know, I've spent years in personal development. I've spent years, you know, posting, you know, things on Facebook and just like talking. I can like think back to after my divorce. Like, I talked very openly about the quote unquote healing that I went through with that. And I'm like, no, I didn't. Like, no, I didn't. I put a lot of work in. Don't get me wrong. I put a lot of work in, but like putting work in when you are trying to change who you are and change how you think and um change maybe how intense some of your emotions are or how you process your emotions, putting a lot of work into that does not automatically guarantee that you make any change. And that is the like cycle of time that I wasted um or lost. I wouldn't say it was wasted because I definitely learned a lot, but lost um up until about a year and a half ago. And it's something that, you know, I I even think about all of the people that I talk to, the conversations that I have, and it's like we call it like healing journeys. Well, I've been on this healing journey, and I'm like, okay, well, you know, what's changed? Well, I can like name all these patterns, like I can understand things, I can connect the dots on things, but you know, I guess when I look at it, my struggle is like still struggling. And you guys, look, I I'm a small fish in a very big pond in the last year and a half of actually moving through change, not just like learning how to change two very different things. Like, I'm I've learned, like, I've I've I've effectively gotten my PhD in the learning of healing, right? But the actual implementation of that, like research, is something that is very uncomfortable. And it actually requires you to be pretty damn uncomfortable every single day. And that's why not a lot of people get the opportunity to do it. Um, and I say that from a place of like, I'm not gonna assume or judge any of you. If you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, you know, I definitely feel like I put so much work into my healing, but I just feel the same level of stuff I felt 10 years ago. Um, I think the bigger problem is that when we set out on this type of work for ourselves, like we just kind of like assume that, oh, well, if I put on again, if I put all this work in, it should be easy. Or healing should feel good. And like healing, honest to God, does not feel good. Healing doesn't feel good. Like there are moments where you get to experience some of the good, but the actual act of healing feels fucking terrible. And I think that's why so many people don't get the opportunity to do it because they have the expectation that it should only ever feel good. And so when things start to feel bad, they pivot or they overthink or they second guess or they find a new therapist or they find a new program or they find a new coach or they read a new book or they start listening to a new podcast or they start a new series of habits or whatever it may be, right? It's like the minute we're faced with like any ounce of like, this doesn't feel good, it's like our brain automatically goes, Well, it must not be right. And it's actually quite the opposite. If anything, like a measure for me that I'm actually growing is my level of discomfort every day. Truth be told. Um, a good indicator for me that I'm on the right path for the week is, well, how uncomfortable was I? Like, everyone always wants to talk about like ease and like simplicity and flow. And like again, yes, there is that, but like the actual work that has to get done in order for us to change who we are and how we think and how we talk to ourselves and how we show up for ourselves and goals and all these things, how we parent, like guys, shit is mad uncomfortable. Um, and I think that expectation just like needs to be more regularly set by for sure coaches, but really anyone that wants to have any form of conversation about change and healing and anything related. Like, you know, I had two clients start with me yesterday, and one of the very first things I said to both of them was, hey, I just want to like really quick before we start getting into this over the next six months, is like let you know that being uncomfortable throughout this process is actually okay. And I don't want you to worry about that, overthink it, second guess it, feel like you're doing anything wrong. Um, if it feels easy, it's probably because we're not, you know, on the right path. Um, and I think that that just like I think it just needs to be said. You know, I think the reason why it came up for me over the weekend was because I'm very much in a season right now of um not working so much, but like I'm still working the same amount, but like mentally my brain is shutting off. I feel like as an entrepreneur, and we see these jokes online all the time of like, oh, you know, yeah, I quit my nine to five because I didn't want to work 40 hours for someone else, but now I work 24 hours a day for myself because my brain never turns off. And I, you know, fair, yes, it's true. And there is a level of like just entrepreneurship, like that comes to the territory, but like also, also, I think that um you should be able to turn your brain off. And more than that, you should feel safe enough to turn your brain off. Um, and so over the weekend, you know, I've been doing a huge, huge job for myself of resting on the weekends. I only have one client that I talk to on the weekends. She, I have worked with her for years at this point, like probably four years plus. Um, and Sundays are what works best for her, and that is the compromise I'm willing to make, right? Um, and so I have one hour on the weekend where I am in work mode. But the other chunk of that weekend, I really do turn my brain off. And like I nap when my daughter naps, I rest, I take it easy. Um, I set myself up for um the week in a way that is gentle and thoughtful and intentional. And like I don't have the Sunday scaries anymore. And oh my god, I used to, right? But I would only have the Sunday scaries because my brain would never turn off. Like that's how it would go. So, you know, I it came up over the weekend because I was sitting there um in the recliner just watching my daughter play, and I was like, I felt like I felt it kind of feel suspicious. I felt my brain kind of go, there's a problem. You're not paying attention to something. There's a problem, there's something going on, there's something in your business that's on fire. There's a client somewhere that is super mad at you. Um, something's happening online. Like, my I felt my brain switching to um alarm bells almost, like wanting to switch there, right? And I just kind of sat with it and I noticed it. And I was like, hmm, this is really uncomfortable to kind of feel so confused on like, no, I'm like really enjoying this rest and like no, let me maybe I should like go go check on everything. Like let me go like immerse myself into this to just have some control and like eliminate this feeling of like uncertainty, right? Like nothing is on fire, no one is mad, nothing is falling apart. Um, but that level of slowness, that level of rest is still a feeling and sensation that I'm very much getting used to. And I've really been like helping my nervous system get acclimated to in the last year and a half. And there are times where it just still feels a bit more uncomfortable than the rest. And it's really about like how, like for me, I've worked so hard on being able to recognize um when my internal state starts to shift. I like I'm very good now, and I wasn't ever good at this before, which is why a lot of the times like my emotions would get the best of me, or my bad days would get the best of me, and my good days would get the best of me. I'd like work myself into a coma, right? But like I'm very good now. Like I'm hyper, hyper in tune with when my internal state shifts. When I go from feeling relaxed to a bit on, when I go from feeling happy and grateful to a bit anxious and kind of like uh spazzed. Like I am very aware. Never once does that change take me by surprise anymore. And I've really learned how to sit with that shift of sensation and reflect on it and not act on it right away. Um, but really at that point, like use all of these years of like learning and like intellectualizing, like that PhD and healing that I was talking about. Like, that's where all of that like knowing comes into play. Um, but the actual ability to pause in that and not let some of those um reactions take over, that's what most people, and maybe maybe this is you, that's what most of you guys are missing. Um, and that's why you probably get stuck in that like mental cycle all of the time of like, well, I'm working so hard and I'm working so hard, um, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. And and in reality, it's because you're still hijacked. Your emotions are still running the show, your coping patterns are still running the show, your um your, you know, your urgency is still running the show, your inner critic is still running the show. And what you're doing is trying to use your smarts after the fact, after whatever it is has like sent you spiraling into the ground. That's when you're trying to use your smarts to make sense of it. And so it's just this like regular pattern of like, okay, I'm spiraling, I'm not having a good day, but here's why. Okay, I'm spiraling, I'm not having a good day, but here's why. Okay, I'm spiraling, I'm not having a good day, but here's why. And it's just like, and also, P. S, no wonder why you're so fucking burnt out. Your brain, that shit's tired. Your brain is probably so tired on top of that. Your brain probably wants to stop connecting the dots, right? And so I I I I I wanted to put this episode out there because that's what I noticed this weekend. I like, I was able to just kind of like observe all of this happening within myself, but also have the like the willpower and the awareness and the pause. Um, it really does feel like a, you know, whereas before when I say my emotions would just kind of run the show, it would feel like I would know like an emotion would come up and it would just like grab me by the ponytail and like just start dragging me wherever it wanted to go. Um, and now what it feels like is that emotion like comes up, but it doesn't have any hands to like grab me. And it's me just kind of like witnessing it and be like, okay, cool. All right, that's what we're feeling right now. And it and it's like to have that level of physical and emotional control back, um, awareness back, discernment back, um, and really flexibility back is everything. Like it's truly everything. And it is the thing that separates people that do a lot of work healing, but feel exhausted in those efforts and kind of feel like they've just been doing healing their whole life and not getting anywhere. And those people that can actually implement the things that they have learned about themselves and um the healing and the strategies and the tools and the personal development that they've that they've spent all this time stuffing inside of their brain. That like that ability to not be so reactive to that um impulse or that emotion or that coping pattern, um, that urge, whatever it may be, that strength is actually healing. Um but that strength is also very uncomfortable because you sit in it a bit longer and you notice it a bit more than you would before. So this will probably make sense to like, I don't know, half of you. Um, but if it does make sense to you, if you're like, wow, um, I needed to hear this today, find me on social media and send me a voice note. Okay, don't DM me. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you. Um, but let me know it resonated. Okay, bye.