Episode 74: What Happens When You Don’t Feel Your Feelings

We’re told to “feel our feelings”… but no one ever really shows us how.

So instead, we think about them. Analyse them. Justify them. Or push them away entirely.

In this episode, we explore what it actually means to feel — not in the mind, but in the body.

Because emotions aren’t problems to solve. They’re physical experiences moving through your nervous system. Sensations. Energy. Waves.

And when those waves are interrupted — through distraction, suppression, or overthinking — they don’t disappear. They stay in the body. Looping. Building. Waiting to be felt.

We talk about why you might feel stuck, overwhelmed, or strangely numb… even when everything looks “fine” on the outside. And how what looks like control can sometimes be disconnection.

This is your invitation to slow down, tune in, and dare to feel.

To let the wave rise, move, and pass.

Because on the other side of feeling… is freedom.

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You can check out our respective websites and social media here:

Becky:

www.instagram.com/therosealmanac

www.therosealmanac.com

Laura:

www.soulsanctuarystudios.com

www.lauraclaytonwellness.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Hello everyone, I'm going to record a solo episode this week as we are going into the Easter holidays. So Becky and I, busy with families, are going to do some solo episodes for you. So one of the things that I felt like I wanted to share on this week was about something that's been coming up for me as I'm doing my trauma qualification. And what it's all about is feeling feelings. Now, this is a phrase that gets banded about quite a lot, doesn't it? Like we know that thankfully we are moving away from this world where we used to, you know, have to be brave and suck it up and man up and all those toxic phrases. And now we're moving into a world where people are really embracing the importance of feeling their feelings. And especially as I'm doing this trauma therapist certification, obviously, this is a big part of the training, is about really leaning into feeling your own emotions rather than thinking about them and supporting others to feel their own emotions so that we can close some of those trauma loops so that they don't stay on and deplete our nervous system. But what's been really interesting to me, both in my personal practice and as I'm practicing coaching others, is actually instructing people how to feel their feelings. Because I think it's all well and good saying, you know, what we need to be doing is feeling our feelings. But do people really know how to do that? And maybe I'm teaching or sharing how to suck eggs here, but it's not actually something that I think is that easy because I think for so many years we are taught, you know, to do all those things like man up and you know not feel or be productive instead, you know, like achieve instead of feel, and that feelings are almost like a waste of time. Um, so in that way, we're probably not very well practiced at feeling and then trusting what we feel. And is it sadness or is it anger? And where does it live in the body? Um, and how does feeling our feelings actually help us in any way? Like, is it helpful? Is it something that you know we could practice more and should practice more? So, what I want to talk about today is what does it mean to feel a feeling? Where do you feel it? And how do you know you're not just thinking about it instead? Like, how can you actually trust that what you feel is right, you know, and that you're not just sort of making up or trying to feel something that maybe isn't there. Um, and most of us don't actually struggle with thinking about our emotions. We can all, you know, if we want to, get into that world of you know, psychoanalysing and thinking a lot about emotions, which is ironic really, because emotions are there to be felt. Um, but we can often struggle with allowing ourselves to actually fully experience a feeling rather than just thinking about it in a way by thinking about it, we're just distracting ourselves from it, you know, but in a way where we're sort of convincing ourselves that we're doing the work. So we're not distracting ourselves by like drinking or shopping or you know, traveling, but instead we're distracting ourselves by thinking all the way around the feeling. But have we actually like surrendered to it and and allowed our body to fully complete that feeling process rather than interrupt it with a thought? So I think the difference between those two things is is huge, allowing ourselves to actually experience and feel a feeling rather than think about it. Thinking about emotions keeps them in the head, feeling emotions moves them through the body. But many of us were never really taught how to do that. Um, you know, it was all about being strong, pushing through, logic, productivity, not being too emotional. And I have to be really careful with my boys that, you know, I don't kind of go there like, right, okay, that's enough now, you know, because it's so tempting as a parent to kind of like hurry things along. And, you know, maybe we feel uncomfortable with emotions, so it's hard allowing our kids to like fully express themselves. So yeah, it's about over time, you know, we learn how to analyze emotions or suppress emotions or distract ourselves from them, but not necessarily how to feel them. But the important thing to understand is that emotions are not just thoughts, they are real physical events that happen inside the body in the nervous system. An emotion doesn't actually start as a thought, it starts as a physiological response in the body. It is a physical event in the body. Bodies are designed to detect threat or danger. And if we can stay tuned into the detail of our body, into those really subtle sensations, we can actually feel the answer or the direction or the warning or the signal before we think about it, before the mind creates a story, the body feels. Maybe it's a tightening, a heaviness, a heat, a pressure, a movement. But the body always speaks first. But most of us live so much in our heads that we actually bypass those essential signals and leap straight into thinking. But that is what takes us off path. As Becky always says, the chances of us being incarnated as a human is as rare as a turtle in the deep blue sea popping up for air and poking its head through a rubber ring. It is no coincidence. We are here for a reason, we have a gift, and our heart is whispering it to us all the time. Our body is communicating it to us if we can quiet the mind to hear the heart speak, and that keeps us on path to share our gift. But when we're trained out of feeling from such a young age, we're conditioned to be brave to achieve. So when an emotion arises, we either suppress or analyse it. And we're taught that feelings aren't important, or instead I'll be productive, or what can I achieve today instead of feel this uncomfortable feeling? What can I busy myself with to distract myself from this hard truth? Or maybe those who think they are more attuned, which is definitely where I was for a long time, go into the psychology of it. Why do I feel like this? Should I feel like this? Is this reasonable? What does this mean? And suddenly we're thinking all about the feeling, but we're still not fully experiencing it. And that is where people often get stuck because they think they're doing the work, but they still aren't really, as I say, daring to feel. Both ignoring a feeling or overthinking about it, neither of those are actually dropping into feeling it. It is also important not to be fooled by people who appear really calm, rational, or highly functional on the outside, because sometimes what looks like emotional control is actually emotional disconnection. Many people learn very early in life that emotions are unsafe or overwhelming. So the mind becomes really good at staying in logic, analysis, productivity. This is what's called hyper-functioning. This can look like someone who's extremely capable, composed, together, but underneath the body is taking the toll. So the body is often still holding that emotional charge that has never been processed. And when emotions are continually suppressed, the nervous system remains in a subtle state of tension. And eventually this shows up in the body as chronic tightness, digestive issues, headaches, fatigue, anxiety, of course, burnout, eventually a sense of numbness and disconnection from life. So the mind might stay in control, but the body carries the load. When eventually the load is too much, it goes into like a limp mode state. So we're barely functioning. It's pure, just basic survival, what my husband and I recently called the bare necessities. That's all we can do. But instead, when you welcome an emotion in the body, it can then pass over you like a wave and complete the stress response loop, which makes a complete action in the body. But if you interrupt that process by denying, suppressing, distracting, thinking about it instead of feeling it, we have then an incomplete action in the body. So that loop is not closed, and so it stays on and continues to fire, and the body gets stuck in fight or flight and then runs out of energy eventually and goes into dorsal or shutdown mode. Okay, so we know in that way that emotions and feeling them are pretty important. But how can we actually do it? How can we welcome or feel an emotion? So, first it's about noticing the subtle sensations in the body and tuning into that. So anxiety might feel like a fluttering in the chest, tight breathing, maybe buzzing energy in the arms or a restless stomach. Sadness might feel like a heaviness behind the eyes, a sinking feeling in the chest, slower breathing, a lump in the throat, anger might feel like heat in the face, tightness in the jaw, pressure in the chest, or energy in the hands, fear might feel like a hollow stomach, tension through the back, adrenaline in the body, or quick, shallow breathing. And of course, all of these in yoga are connected to chakras, and then there are all the different poses and breathing techniques, etc. We can to clear and balance those. But today, just simply looking at how can we feel that feeling, it is simply noticing it, allowing it, welcoming it, and watching, observing as it moves and passes through. It really is as simple as that. It's just not analyzing, fixing, problem solving, thinking, it's not thinking, it's not in the head. So we're shoulders down, feeling as it passes through. So the key thing to understand is that emotions move, they're not static. If we stay with them without suppressing them or analyzing them, they do tend to rise, peak, and then pass. Researchers suggest that the physical wave and motion can last around 60 to 90 seconds in the body when it's fully allowed, which is super quick. But what actually keeps an emotion stuck is not the emotion itself, is our resistance to feeling it. So they say what we resist persists. It's like the body knocking at the good door saying, please let me close this loop, please listen to this. And as we keep suppressing and avoiding it, it has to knock louder. That's why they say listen to the whisper, don't wait for the shout, because these sensations in the body are the whispers, and then the disease is the is the shout, right? To understand this more deeply, it helps to look at what is happening in the brain. So the brain is constantly scanning the environment for safety or threat. A small structure deep in the brain called the amygdala plays an important role in the process. The amygdala acts like an alarm system. It's constantly asking one simple question: is it safe or is it dangerous? And the amygdala processes information incredibly quickly, often before the thinking part of the brain even understands what's happening. If something feels threatening, the amygdala sends signals to the body. This activates the autonomic nervous system. So hormones like adrenaline, cortisol are released, the heart rate increases, the breathing changes, the muscles tense, the body prepares to act first before we're even thinking about it. This is when we experience emotions like fear, anger, anxiety, or urgency. Emotion, energy in motion, it's energy moving around the body. The important thing to understand is that the brain does not only react to physical danger, but it reacts to emotional and social threat. Things like criticism, rejection, uncertainty, loss of control or feeling judged all register as danger to the nervous system, which is why emotional reactions can feel so powerful in the body because your body is not being dramatic, it's doing exactly what it's evolved to do, which is to protect you. It's just that it's no longer the saber-toothed tiger, it's about being loved or accepted as a human. So that criticism feels to your body as life or death as that life or death threatening situation of a saber-toothed tiger in front of you. The physical response in the body is the same. Polyvagal theory developed by the neuroscientist Stephen Porge helps explain why emotions show up as sensations in the body. So, according to his theory, our nervous system is constantly shifting between these different states, depending on how safe or threatened we feel. When we feel safe, the nervous system is what is called in ventral vagal state. And in this state, we feel calm, open, socially connected, and able to think clearly. Our breathing is steady, our body feels relatively relaxed, and we can engage with other people easily. But when the nervous system detects danger, it moves into the sympathetic state, often called fight or flight. And this is the activation response. Energy floods the body to prepare us to protect ourselves, and in that state, we might feel anger, anxiety, panic, or frustration. Physically, this can show up as a racing heart, tight chest, heat in the face, restlessness, adrenaline in the body. This energy wants movement. This is why when emotions move through the body, people often feel the urge to cry. Tears are made of cortisol. Breathe deeply to regulate, talk, shake, walk, or move to get it out of the body, to complete that loop. These responses are the body releasing the energy of that emotion which needs to happen so that it doesn't stay built up in our physical system. And then it's going to have to express somewhere and hopefully not as disease. If the nervous system becomes overwhelmed and feels powerless, it can move into a third state called dorsal vagal shutdown. So this is the freeze or collapse response or limp mode that I mentioned earlier. Bare necessities. This is just limping through life. Instead of activation, the body conserves energy. It's in survival mode, which can feel like numbness because we do not have the energy for connecting with emotion, heaviness, exhaustion, disconnection, or brain fog. Many people interpret this as depression or emotional numbness, but from a nervous system perspective, it's often a protective response to overwhelm. When we allow emotions to move through the body, whether through breathing, crying, movement, shaking, talking, simply noticing, the nervous system is able to complete its survival response and close that loop. In nature, animals do this naturally. After a threat, animals often shake or tremble. They're releasing the energy of the experience in order for their body to return to calm state. But humans often interrupt this process. We suppress emotions, distract ourselves, analyze them, judge them, and as a result, the energy of the emotion does not complete its cycle and instead becomes stuck in the body. Learning to feel an emotion is really about allowing the body to finish what it started so that the nervous system can return to balance. In our episode on the body keeps the score that Becky and I did earlier, we describe this as leaving a loop open in the body. When an emotional processing is interrupted, it's like an electrical circuit that hasn't been completed. Imagine leaving an electrical toy switched on but jammed halfway through its cycle. It starts glitching, it's still using and draining energy, but not functioning in the healthy, complete way. The same thing can happen in the nervous system. When an emotional loop is left open, the body keeps reacting, keeps being triggered, repeating the loop, trying to get it to close. But the experience hasn't been fully complete or processed. And this is often why we find ourselves being triggered again and again by similar situations. The body is actually trying to close the loop, but we're not allowing it. The emotion is still raw and unfinished in the system. By allowing ourselves to feel the emotion rather than pushing it away, we can allow the body to complete the cycle, close the loop, and move back into regulation. One of the reasons why this matters so much and why we talk about it in our parenting episode is because this process begins in childhood. When children feel big emotions, their nervous system is trying to complete a natural cycle. Activation, expression, and then settling back into balance. But if we rush in too quickly and distract them or shut them down or rescue them from the feeling, the body does not complete the loop. The expression is not complete and therefore it cannot settle back into balance. And over time, those unfinished emotional loops can accumulate and show up later in life as triggers, anxiety, anger, or feeling overwhelmed by emotions that seem bigger than the actual event in that moment. When we allow children to feel and express fully in each moment and we stay present with them whilst they do, we're teaching their nervous system that emotions are safe and they can move through them. They can learn that feelings just rise, move, and pass, and that they are capable of regulating themselves. And that is true resilience, not just denying or suppressing or ignoring, which shows up later. In many ways, learning to feel our emotions as adults is simply learning the emotional processing that we weren't allowed to experience when we were younger. A helpful way to understand emotions is to imagine them as waves in the ocean. Not to bring that cliche into it, but I do think it's really helpful that waves do naturally rise, they peak and they fall. They are designed to move. If we were to try to stop a wave in the ocean, it creates turbulence. You cannot contain it. But if we allow the wave to move naturally, it eventually returns to still water when the time is right, when the process is complete. And emotions work in a similar way. When we resist them, suppress them, or fight them, they become stuck energy. When we allow them to move through the body, the wave eventually passes. And this is why, after crying, breathing deeply, or talking honestly, people often feel lighter. The wave has literally moved through them. A simple practice you can try the next time you notice a strong emotion is pause, take one slow breath, and instead of asking yourself why you feel like this, ask the different question. Where do I feel this in my body? And lean into the sensation. How does it feel? Where is it moving through? Then gently notice the strongest sensation. Maybe it's in the chest, the stomach, the throat, the jaw, the back. And you can name the sensation without judgment as a quality. Maybe it's tight, is it heavy? Is it warm? Is it buzzing? Does it feel like a pressure? And then breathe slowly and allow the sensation to exist as long as it needs to. Not fixing, not pushing away, just noticing. Often the sensation will begin to change. It might soften, spread, move somewhere else. That is the emotion passing through the nervous system. The more we practice feeling emotions in this way, the more we develop emotional regulation, not by controlling emotions, but by learning that we can experience them without being overwhelmed by them. When we are no longer afraid of our own emotions, afraid of ourself, then we're free. We're free to speak honestly, free to set boundaries, free to connect more deeply with others, free to live with more authenticity, because we know that we can handle whatever the response may be, but at least we've spoken our truth. Because emotions stop being something we need to avoid, and they become something we can move through, and that changes everything. It allows us to have the hard conversations, make the difficult decisions that we might previously have avoided, but which are often exactly what we need in order to move our lives forward and step out of feeling stuck.