Episode 77: Do You Beat Yourself Up With Gratitude?

Have you ever caught yourself trying to force gratitude…

Telling yourself you should feel grateful,
that you shouldn’t want more,
that other people have it worse…

And somehow ending up feeling worse, not better?

In this episode, Laura explores what she calls “whipping yourself with the gratitude stick” — the subtle way gratitude can turn into self-criticism, suppression, and even shame.

Yes, gratitude is powerful.
 It can rewire the brain, shift perspective, and increase wellbeing.

But when it’s used to silence your instincts, your ambition, or your desire for something more aligned… it stops being healing.

It becomes limiting.

Blending psychology, neuroscience, yoga philosophy and astrology, this episode explores:

•  Why gratitude works (and when it doesn’t) 
•  Hedonic adaptation and the brain’s negativity bias 
•  The difference between shame and self-compassion 
•  Why contentment and ambition can coexist 
•  Santosha, tapas and the pull of your North Node 

Because you can be deeply grateful for your life…

…and still feel called toward more.

And that doesn’t make you ungrateful.
It makes you alive.

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You can check out our respective websites and social media here:

Becky:

www.instagram.com/therosealmanac

www.therosealmanac.com

Laura:

www.soulsanctuarystudios.com

www.lauraclaytonwellness.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of North Node. And today what I'm going to be talking about is something that I've been doing a lot recently, which is what I call whipping myself with a gratitude stick. And it's often something that comes up in yoga teacher training as well, where we all feel as though we should be feeling grateful, and it's that should, should, should. And absolutely, there are benefits to gratitude, which I'm going to talk about as I go through today's recording. But I think there are parts of gratitude which are really expansive, and parts of gratitude which can be apt actually quite reductive and shrink us in some ways. And this is where we start shaming ourselves for not being more grateful. And so it inspired me to share a bit about what gratitude is helpful for, and when shaming ourselves for not feeling grateful isn't helpful, and why? Why is that? Where does that come from? So, gratitude is one of those ideas that almost everyone agrees is a good thing. You hear it everywhere now, right? It's in psychology, it's in mindfulness, it's in yoga, it's in self-development. Always this message of be grateful for what you have, focus on what's good in your life and appreciate the present moment. And on one level, that advice is really wise. Gratitude has been shown in psychology to improve well-being, increase life satisfaction, even change how our brains are wired up through neuroplasticity to make us feel happier and to change how we process experiences. Studies in positive psychology, researchers like Martin Seligman and Robin Emmons show that practices like gratitude journaling can shift attention away from what's lacking and towards what's already supportive in our lives. And there's a fascinating experiment, often discussed in psychology, that illustrates something really important about happiness and perception, one that I remember reading when I was quite young and it's always stayed with me, where researchers looked at two groups of people, lottery winners and people who had recently become paraplegic after accidents. And you might assume that the lottery winners would be sort of permanently happier and the people who had experienced these life-changing injuries would remain unhappy. But what this research found was surprising was that after some time had passed, both groups' levels of happiness moved back towards a similar baseline, a happiness set point. The lottery winners' excitement faded as they adapted to their new circumstances, and many of the people who have experienced these severe injuries gradually rebuilt meaning, connection, and even joy in their lives again. So psychologists refer to this as hedonic adaptation, the human ability to adapt both positive and negative changes over time. And this connects to another interesting area of psychology where happiness actually comes from. So researchers have suggested that happiness is influenced by a combination of factors. I'm sure I've spoken about this before, where Martin Seligman looks into this. A portion appears to be influenced by genetics, the baseline temperament we're born with, and some studies suggest that's roughly around 40 to even 50% of happiness is linked to this biological set point. And that 10% tends to be influenced by external circumstances like income, location, possession, status, etc. Only 10%, and often that's the thing that we give the most focus. But a surprisingly large portion, around 40%, comes from our thought patterns and our behaviours. And in that way, we can obviously adjust how happy we feel, even though we have this strong genetic set point. It's not the 10% in terms of the environment that makes the difference, but it's actually how we think about it. In other words, our perception, which is similar to the first experiment, right? It's all about this perception and why gratitude then is so powerful, because it changes how we perceive ourselves or the world around us. So, in other words, how we think about our lives often has more influence over our well-being than the actual circumstances themselves. And we know this because you can look at people and go, I mean, to me, their life doesn't look great, but they look absolutely buzzing with it. And then you look at other people who have, you know, the perfect life, look at celebrities, and absolutely depressed. So we know it isn't about circumstances, we know it's about perception. And this is where gratitude becomes particularly powerful from a neuroscience perspective. Our brains are naturally wired with something called a negativity bias. So from an evolutionary standpoint, this helped our ancestors survive by paying attention to threats and problems in the environment. The brain constantly scanning for what might go wrong. So we're always looking to the future, trying to predict danger, so it gives us some time to escape from it, right? But the untrained mind then is sort of constantly looking for danger, and we can just rack up that list of all of the things that we need to worry about that aren't great in our lives, and then quickly we can become dissatisfied with our life. Whereas obviously, if we built up the other side of the list, which was you know equally, if not more, um, in terms of what we're so lucky to have, then you know, we'd have a more balanced perspective. So, in a way, gratitude is a way to sort of balance our natural wiring of trying to keep us alive because where that was once useful, you know, as cavemen trying to look out for the saber-toothed tiger, which is sort of a one-off event, now our sort of worries and threats are constant, like mortgages or bill paying or jobs or health or whatever it might be. Um, and so that sort of constant gnawing away can have an impact on us, which is why gratitude is really important. So, practices like gratitude sort of retrain that pattern. Um, instead of looking for the negative all the time, we intentionally focus attention on what is good, what is supportive, what's positive, what's meaningful in our lives, and we engage the brain's capacity for that neuroplasticity, for the opportunity to change shape and reorganise and rewire itself through repeated thought patterns. So if we think something enough, it's like treading a path in a forest, that becomes the most natural path that we take. And so we become sort of more naturally positive because we practice thinking that way. We change the shape of our brains that it takes that path automatically rather than the path of fear. Really powerful. And in many ways, this is really similar to principles behind CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, which is based on the understanding that our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are all connected. So the way we interpret events shapes how we feel about them. Again, going back to that original experiment with lottery winners and paraplegics, and how we feel then influences how we behave. So the way we interpret events shapes how we feel about them, and how we feel about them influences how we behave. So two people can experience the same situation and have completely different emotional experiences depending on the story their mind creates around it. One person might interpret an event as catastrophic, which creates anxiety and hopelessness, another might see it as a difficult but meaningful event, maybe an opportunity to grow, you know, which is a lot of the work that astrology gives us, which produces resilience and motivation rather than hopelessness. So it's all again about perception. CBT works by helping people notice their habitual thought patterns and consciously practice shifting them. So again, it's that process that like yoga teaches us to see our thoughts, so to not be controlled by our thoughts and be dragged around with that by them unconsciously, but instead create separation between yourself and the thought. Observe it, notice what it does, and then choose what you do with it, whether you want it to keep working that way or whether you want to focus on something different and change the neuroplasticity of the mind. So CBT works by helping people notice those habitual thought patterns and consciously practice shifting them. Gratitude practices operate in a very similar way when we repeatedly bring our attention to what is supportive, meaningful, or working well in our lives, and then we we strengthen those neural pathways that recognize those experiences more easily. So that's naturally the path we take. And over time, the brain literally becomes better at noticing what is good more naturally, not what is wrong. And this is why gratitude can be so powerful because it shifts this internal lens through which we experience our life sometimes more significantly than changing external circumstances could ever do. But recently, so we we can see there, we can see like the power of gratitude, and it is, and I'm and I am not saying that gratitude is not powerful, it absolutely is, and there's all the evidence for it. But what I think we've got to be really careful of is that we need to notice when does gratitude stop becoming supportive, and when does it actually start becoming almost a tool for self-shaming, which feels a little bit more complicated. So let's see if I can explain this. So because sometimes gratitude is not offered as an invitation to appreciate life, sometimes it's used consciously or unconsciously as a way to silence discomfort, ambition, or growth. And I'll share a little story as to why this why I was prompted to share this. You might hear things like you should just be grateful for what you have, or other people have it worse, or you might even say to yourself, like, who am I to want more when I've already got so much? Yeah, so these this is like I should be more grateful. You know, they say that phrase they're like shoulding all over yourself. It's like should this, should that, shoulding, I should feel more grateful. And suddenly, then gratitude isn't expansive, it's not expanding your perspective, but it's shrinking it. It's like berating yourself. It becomes a way of shutting down the very human impulse to grow, to change and evolve. We are almost limiting ourselves because we feel like we should be grateful, so we couldn't possibly want more. And this is something that I've noticed in my own thinking at times. Like living in a country like the UK, we have so much stability, right? There is so much safety, there is so much brilliantness about the UK, our infrastructure, our healthcare, all the things that people tell us to be grateful for, and rightly so. And when you look at other parts in the world, you know, especially at the moment where people are living through war, I mean, extreme hardship, um, and it's so prevalent at the moment, it's to me anyway, can almost feel ridiculous to be complaining about the mundane, right? Like, oh, the work-life juggle and the kids' behaviour and the weather, and like wanting a different lifestyle, and and that's where it gets really difficult because what I've been doing recently is really shaming myself for feeling like that because you know I'm safe and my children are well, and I'm very lucky in so many ways. And I think that perspective, I think that matters, I think that's really important. I think self-awareness is really important, and to not forget, you know, the world around us and yes, how lucky we are. But sometimes I do notice that it's tipping into something else which is not helpful, which is just self-criticism. So the voice that says, you should just be grateful, you know, stop wanting more, like that's bad of you. And I am like shaming myself for my ambition in some ways, and I think when gratitude becomes a way of silencing your deeper instincts or desires, it stops being healthy and it starts becoming shame. And obviously, at the moment, with the trauma work that I'm doing, you know, it's like shame is like the breeding ground for trauma, right? Psychology has so much to say about shame, and um, we I've spoken about the danger of shame, you know, and trauma in previous episodes. Researchers like Brene Brown describe shame as the feeling like there's something fundamentally wrong with us. It's not just that I made a mistake, it's like I am the mistake, you know, it's something much more permanent. I am an ungrateful person, for example, rather than I'm feeling ungrateful right now. Um, it's this sort of like you should not be feeling like that, because look at how much you have, and and very sort of shaming tone that we can speak to ourselves in. And sometimes maybe others even um iterate something similar to us as well. Um, one and one of the problems with shame is that it actually rarely leads to better behaviour. You know, we can think about this with our children as well. There's a really good um experiment, I know I'm talking about some experiments today, but I do think they illustrate some of the points. So there's a well-known experiment, sometimes referred to as the donut study. And in this study, I hope I'm gonna explain this right, there are two groups of people, if I remember it right, and both of them are allowed to eat donuts, right? And then they examine how people speak to themselves after eating the donut. So one group were told to, or were told, doesn't matter, happens all the time, you know, no big deal, like everyone's allowed a treat every now and then. And then the other group were basically shamed for like they knew they shouldn't do that, why did they do that, that sort of shaming bad person thing. And then they were offered the donuts again. And the second time they were offered donuts, the first group who spoke kindly to themselves, chose a better option, chose a healthier option, chose not to eat the donuts. And the other group that's self-shamed had basically given up on themselves and went, Well, I'm useless anyway, so I'm just gonna eat more donuts because you know what if I got to lose. And that donut experiment basically was an example of how shaming yourself and self-criticism actually doesn't lead to a better outcome. So when you're self-compassionate and you're kind to yourself, you actually make better decisions thereafter. So it was the power of compassion, really, but equally, I think it shows the impact of self-shaming. Um, and so yeah, we can see like shame does not improve choices, it reinforces a cycle. Um, and that happens because shame basically creates emotional distress, and when we feel distressed or inadequate, we reach for coping behaviours that temporarily soothe us. So, whether that's eating, you know, I don't know, shopping, whatever else, smoking, drinking, you might do to self-soothe. Um, and this ends up repeating the very behaviors which we were crystallizing ourselves in the first place, and this is where we can sort of become addicted, can't we? Stuck in cycles. Whereas compassion, on the other hand, actually creates enough psychological safety for real change to happen, which is the power of compassion. And gratitude is very similar in this way. So when gratitude becomes something we used to shame ourselves, you know, I shouldn't want more, I should be grateful, it doesn't create growth, it creates suppression. And this is where that can become really dangerous. Whereas obviously, if you apply compassion, hopefully, like in this episode, is like, look, you know, we understand that you feel like that, it's normal to feel like that, but this is a more helpful way of looking at it, then you know, hopefully we move towards growth. And so, one of the reasons that I'm I'm sharing this today is something that happened to me recently. Um, when I went to go and visit my family, and I I mean I speak about my family quite openly on the podcast, and I feel like I shouldn't have to, but I you know, I do say it goes without saying I love them to bits, right? We can all say that about our family, but of course we struggle with certain people in our lives. Um, and I know that I irritate my family because I think they've they feel like I'm always wanting more, right? And you know, I'm sort of too busy and maybe too busy for them. I don't know, I don't really know where it comes from, but I know they get irritated by my ambition essentially, like, and for whatever reason. And so when I go over and they sort of say to me, like, oh, how's things? You know, what you're up to, and I'll say, like, oh, I'm studying this, or like you know, new direction in the business, or actually, you know, we're thinking about moving house and like, yeah, moving on to the next one, and maybe I want to experience living abroad, or like I'll just I'll talk about the things that I'm thinking about because they've asked. Um, and often I met with resistance, maybe sort of eye rolls, and anyway, most recently, my brother-in-law actually just took the plunge and he said, Oh, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but do you think you'll ever be happy? Which was like interesting to me because I mean, you know, I love those the depth conversations, and I'm I'm all up for those big questions, and like it's absolutely fine if it feels uncomfortable, like that's a lot of where our growth is. And I sat with it for a little bit because afterwards, because I was like, that's really interesting. Like, where has that come from? And what I got down to was his perception that you can't be happy and want more at the same time, right? I felt like that was really strange. I mean, my initial reaction to him was pretty easy. Like, I was like, I'm really happy. I was kind of confused that he asked the question. Like, I'm so happy with my life. Like, look at where I live, look at my children, like I have the freedom to work for myself. I love the job that I do, like, I love everything about yoga and helping people and sharing psychology, and like, of course, I'm happy, and I still want to experience growth, and I still want to experience like more travel and see more of the world and like challenge myself. And isn't that okay that the two things can live hand in hand? Um, and so yeah, it just made me kind of ask this question like for a minute. I sort of shamed myself like, oh god, like yeah, I mean, maybe I should feel more grateful and shouldn't want those things. But I really feel like I can be grateful and ambitious. It doesn't have to be either or. And I don't need to feel ashamed of being ambitious. I don't need gratitude to be used as a weapon in some ways to like shrink me and my ambitions. You know, I am grateful and I'm excited for more adventures and more growth. So it just prompted me because you know it was after that comment, but I it's something that I frequently feel is like I should be more grateful, you know. As I am being ambitious, why can't I just be like more grateful for what I have? And but I am very grateful, and I think this is where I hope, like sharing this with other people, if they feel that like I should be grateful thing coming in, just that warning that it shouldn't stifle dreams, it shouldn't hold you back, you shouldn't like shuddle over yourself to the extent where like you stop reaching for what you want, because I do think the two things can go hand in hand, and yoga philosophy has a really interesting perspective on this. So in the yoga sutras, Patanjali talks about Santosha, which means contentment. Santosha is often translated as gratitude or acceptance of what is, but importantly, santosha doesn't mean resignation, right? So it's about like feeling content. I mean happy, content, there's nuances in there, isn't there? But like content, happy with what you have, but it doesn't mean suppressing the natural movement of growth, you know. Life is about growth and movement towards growth, and yoga philosophy recognizes that life is always evolving. The concept of tapas, which goes hand in hand with sentosha contentment, tapas is the inner fire of discipline, transformation, challenge which creates growth and it exists alongside sentosha contentment. In other words, yoga acknowledges both forces, contentment and growth go hand in hand, and the practice is learning how to hold both. So it's really interesting. Like when you study a 200-hour, you know, part of it is just learning what these concepts are, like the the yamas and the niyamas, which are basically the observances and the restraints, like what we're moving towards and what we're trying to avoid. And so when you do your 200 hour, you're just like, okay, that's that, and you get those concepts in your mind. When you move into like 300, 500 hour territory, you're learning how to practice them together at the same time. You realize they are not in isolation of each other, they are not exclusive qualities. So the challenge is like exactly that. What is the practice? How can I practice tapas, discipline, growth, transformation evolving in this lifetime at the same time, simultaneously, as santosha, as contentment, as gratitude, as happiness? How can I do both of those things at once? And that's the more evolved like practice, really, from your 200 to your 300 hours. It's funny how it literally exists in frameworks in yoga, but also in yoga teacher training, um, that progression to that way of thinking. So, yeah, it's about practicing how to hold both for anyone listening. Like, you don't have to, you know, stop achieving and really just feel more grateful. You can do both at the same time. To appreciate what already exists whilst also honouring that inner pull towards something new. Like, if gratitude becomes a tool that suppresses tapas, the impulse to grow, then it's no longer balanced and it would become stagnant. Um, another yoga concept that helps here is dharma, the idea of living in alignment with your true path. Dharma isn't about staying where you are simply because you should feel grateful, it's about listening to the deeper intelligence within you that knows when something is aligned and when something is ready to change. And astrology speaks to this tension all the time. I mean, if we look literally the name of this podcast, North Node, represents the direction our soul is growing towards, and it often feels unfamiliar, sometimes uncomfortable because it asks us to step beyond what is known. And your South Node in astrology represents the familiar patterns we inherit from family, from culture, from past conditioning. It's comfortable, but it can keep us repeating the same story. So following the north node often requires questioning inherited values, it may require leaving environments, beliefs, identities, sometimes people that once made sense but no longer feel aligned or fit. And when someone starts moving towards their north node, it can trigger resilience, resistance from others. Both in it can trigger resistance, both internally from ourselves and from others. Because there is fear of change, maybe competitiveness, whatever it might be, maybe self doubt in someone else that makes them feel like you know they don't. Want others to be doing something that they can't manage to do themselves. And sometimes that resilience appears in weaponizing gratitude. Don't you feel you should be more grateful for what you have, you know, or even saying that to yourself. But gratitude and evolution are not opposites. You can be greatly, you can be deeply grateful for the life that has shaped you, the opportunities you've had, the safety and support around you, and still feel a pull towards something different. In fact, those two things should coexist. The mistake we make is assuming that wanting change automatically means rejecting the present. Sometimes wanting change is actually an expression of being fully alive. Psychology calls this self-actualization. Abraham Maslow described it as the innate human drive to realise our potential and live more fully into who we're capable of becoming. Self-actualization doesn't appear when we suppress our instincts. It happens when we listen to them really carefully. So perhaps the question isn't whether we should feel grateful. Of course we should. Gratitude can ground us, soften us, help us recognize the abundance that already exists and how beautiful our lives all are in some way. But the deeper practice is making sure gratitude remains expansive rather than restrictive. Gratitude should open the heart and not silence the voice within us. It's quietly asking for something more aligned to us. Because sometimes the most grateful thing we can do with the life we've been given is to grow into it fully.