Episode 87: How to Protect Your Peace This Summer

As we head into our summer break, Laura and Becky reflect on everything we've explored throughout this season and share the simple reminders they'll be taking into their own summer.

Having a summer you don't need to recover from isn't about creating the perfect six weeks. It's about creating enough space, joy and capacity to actually enjoy the moments that matter.

From protecting your own wellbeing before burnout, making time to recharge, and planning things that genuinely light you up, to becoming your child's safe place, repairing when things go wrong, finding the courage to ask for support, and noticing the magic in everyday life—this is a gentle conversation about slowing down, choosing connection over perfection, and remembering what really matters.

Whether you're navigating the school holidays, feeling overwhelmed by life's demands, or simply looking for a calmer, more intentional summer, we hope this episode leaves you feeling lighter, more hopeful and inspired to care for yourself as much as you care for everyone else.

Thank you for being part of our North Node community this season. We hope these conversations have helped you understand yourself a little more deeply, become a little kinder to yourself, and reminded you that healing is always possible.

Have a wonderful summer—we'll see you next season. 

Please leave us a review on your preferred podcast platform if you haven't already! 

With love,

Becky & Laura xx

Summer Holiday Calendar Template: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1uJfRzugCz7KkQL2rVaBKC3l1igY9dnG8cT0Hua-ZgDM/edit?usp=sharing

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You can check out our respective websites and social media here:

Becky:

www.instagram.com/therosealmanac

www.therosealmanac.com

Laura:

www.soulsanctuarystudios.com

www.lauraclaytonwellness.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:02

All right, everybody, welcome back. This is gonna be our summer special, I think we could call it, our top tips for summer from Becky and I. I'm here with Becky today, and we wanted to yeah, record this as our last episode of the season, really, before we go off and like Becky says, you know, practice what we preach around rest and being present with our families. So we thought we might do an episode on how to enjoy summer, stay sane, and we wanted to give you some kind of top tips around that. Because I think, like, especially for parents, I mean, I think this is relevant for a lot of people, but I I think this is probably especially relevant for parents where you kind of have that, like, you know, six weeks. What are we gonna do in the six weeks? Like, we look forward to summer, you know, there's all that guilt tripping stuff on Instagram around like you only have so many summers with your children, you know, and at the same time, so there's like this excitement, the joy, and at the same time, like massive overwhelm of like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna hold everyone for six whole weeks? Like the noise, the snacks, like it can feel so relentless trying to still work, run a home, like remember birthdays, wash the clothes, cook the dinners, plan the meals, and like have fun. That like it can feel a lot, and for a lot of people, it can feel nearly impossible. And so Becky and I, yeah, have taken a little bit of time to reflect on what we think is hopefully going to be useful and important for you to enjoy and make the most of this summer. What would you like to add to that, Beck?

SPEAKER_01 2:38

I think just whatever your feelings are about the summer holiday coming up, you know, if you've got kids, to just be okay with that, because what I feel around the summer holidays coming up is a lot of resentment, actually. Resentment that it's really unfair, and this is like yeah, a little bit of me being in vic victim mode here, but as someone working in the corporate world, like I only have a certain amount of annual leave, and my husband only has a certain amount of annual leave, and he can never get time off in the summer holidays except for his rostered day, anyway. So we've got this six-week period, and then of course there are things like Christmas, half terms, sick days, all of that stuff with kids when we only get 28 days as an average in the UK annual leave. So I just often feel like so unfair, like the system and all of that kind of stuff around it. And then I think the other resentment I feel is what I see when I'm talking to people at school gates and things like that, is the load is very much on the mothers, even if they're working, to be the ones to plan the holiday, frantically looking for stuff like holiday clubs in their local area, days out, like swapping childcare with other mums, the extra load on grandparents and the guilt that that can sometimes bring up. So, some statistics that I have around this is 81% of mothers use annual leave to cover childcare during school holidays, and 60% take more than two weeks off compared with only a third of fathers. So, you know, you can already see the imbalance there. And 26% of parents have been forced to take unpaid leave over the summer, with 75% of those people taking more than five days, and then 76% of mothers taking more than a fortnight unpaid say their co-parent takes no unpaid time off at all. So it's just this extra burden on mothering and women generally, and I think this holiday just really gets me angry about that. So, yeah, I just wanted to open with that really to just say if you're feeling any of that and any overwhelm or guilt or shame or whatever might be there, as well as perhaps, yeah, like positivity about spending time with your kids as well and having a break, yeah, just know that I'm feeling it too.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Yeah, I think that's so important. I think the the episode I recorded last week, as my solo episode, was about the importance of validation, of validating how we heal and how it's like essential as a biological process in the body, in the sense that if we can validate how we feel, like we're instantly closing the trauma loop because we're allowing that emotion to pass through and like welcome it and trust ourselves, and trust that what we feel is true because it's how we feel. That's the only truth that we have. No one can say whether that is right or not right. There's no such thing, it's just a truth that that's how we feel. And when we validate that, we learn to trust ourselves, and then we feel safe with ourselves, and that's a really important part of healing our nervous system. So we want to start the summer and and beyond in this process and just going, whatever you feel is valid to you and really bloody important, because if you start dismissing that and yeah, trying to like pretend that everything's okay and invalidating how you feel because you're lucky and because you shouldn't feel like this, and because all the shoulds that we should all over ourselves, when we start invalidating how we feel, you're sending a message to your body that like it can't trust you, and you won't feel safe with yourself. And that's when a lot of the like illness happens because we don't feel safe within our own space, never mind anywhere else. So validation is essential, like to our health, and it has to start with us. And of course, then like when we validate ourselves, we can validate our children or the people around us. Like, it doesn't matter what we think about the subject, it's all about just validating how someone feels about like it. That's their feeling, and they that needs to be validated. And so that starts with you. So absolutely, you're right. The first thing we start with here is just validate yourself and how you feel, and be like ruthlessly honest with that. Of course, like two things can be true at once. We can feel excited, and at the same time, for me, it's fear, I feel scared. Like, yeah, I think I think resent I think I've done resentment to the girls come home. I think I'm all out of resentment. I think now I'm just scared now I do it on my own. But I but we have to we have to allow that. We have to allow that process to like the peak to peak, to rise, to peak, and to fall and to discharge. Otherwise, it's an open loop, and it's only going to make it harder for the summer. It's gonna make us like snappier because the loops are open. So, yes, validation is a huge part of that. And I also just wanted to say something on because it's interesting, but you're in an interesting situation where like you're corporate, but you also like work for yourself. So you've kind of you've got that annual leave and you've got some flexibility, and like I I only work for myself, and and in some ways you might think, well, that must be easier over the summer, but it's a really funny one because again, like not a pity party, validating myself. It's I always feel guilty, like I feel guilty every day because I I don't have a boss. I I could not put my kid in school. And I do, I'm my boss, like, and I could take six weeks off, but I can't because I don't get paid annual leave. Like, if I don't make the money, if I don't sell like trainings, if I don't, you know, run the business, like make stuff happen, lead the courses, like we just you know, we run out of money, there's no one paying that. So like I can't take the time off, and yet I could because no one's telling me. So I have this guilt that like it's me making that decision. And I think there's it's always choose your heart, isn't it? But if people are kind of listening, going, like, oh my god, like I I don't work for anyone, and I still like I'm booking my kids into summer camp, like that's okay too. Like, we have to do what we have to do to keep ourselves, and this has been such an important lesson for me recently, like to keep ourselves abundant and joyful, and it has made me God such a better parent. So, yeah, I think validate and also do not feel like ashamed by getting support this summer, and if that means booking them into a club or putting them with their grandparents, like you know, kids should be raised by a village, like they need to be raised by different people to get different perspectives, like thoughts, energies, like to round them off. Like it's so healthy. So, yeah, look after yourself first so that you can be like abundant and joyful for them and trust that like what they're learning is is what they need, right, Beck.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

Yeah, that's exactly what I wrote down is where's my village as you were talking? Uh, because I think that's the question, you know. All of this is comes down to a huge stroke structural or cultural disconnect between the world as it is and putting children and therefore mothers at the centre. Instead, we're just in this productivity culture as well. So yeah, I think whatever your circumstances it is I don't know, this time of year it just really brings up where's my village, because it doesn't really exist. You have to create your village through club holiday clubs, through collaborating with other parents, through grandparents and things like that. And the other thing I just wanted to say as we open as well, like my kids are a bit older now, so they're sort of past the age almost of going to holiday clubs. Zoe is going in for a couple of days to it's actually really nice sort of outdoor club. But it's hard also as your kids get older. Hannah's 14, and if I don't make the effort to plan things, she will just sit in her room on her phone or something like that. So I think having older kids is perhaps not something that's talked about because obviously when our kids are younger, they need supervision and they need I don't want to say entertainment, but it's harder to just stay in and do nothing when your kids are are younger. Whereas I probably could work from home through a lot of the holidays, and I will work from home and let the kids get on with it, and that there's a guilt that comes with that as well, because what do you do for this massive long stretch of time when your kids are older? So yeah, I just wanted to bring that in as well and say, yeah, it can be hard to do that. So we have some positivity, don't we, to bring as well after opening with all of that. And we created some of our own tips and thoughts on how we're gonna get through the holidays. And I know Laura, before we started this call, and you mentioned it to me last time we recorded the podcast together, is that you created a spreadsheet for the summer holidays. So do you want to talk about that?

SPEAKER_00 12:45

Yeah, I have done, and we're laughing because it's just classic Capricorn, isn't it? If I haven't got a list or a spreadsheet, like something's going wrong. So yeah, basically, I mean, and we have to have a spreadsheet. I say we have to. We have a spreadsheet because we have Chloe, got my stepdaughter. So we've got the sort of added layer of when is she with us? When isn't she with us, you know? So I I think iPhone calendars are just rubbish to be honest. They just scroll and scroll and scroll, and I can't see anything. So I always just create a spreadsheet, you know, zoom out by a hundred, and then at least I can see what I'm doing for six weeks. So I just obviously did that, just put all the dates in, etc. And then I basically spent an evening with ChatGPT just googling, like, what could I possibly fill the summer with and kind of slotting it into each day. And actually, like it started off and I was kind of dreading it, and then I loved it because it came up with some amazing stuff, like actually showed when the meteor shower is, and so I was like, okay, cool, we can like camp out in the garden and do some star watching. And my kids love that, like they're just yeah, getting all casey with hot water bottles and like popcorn and licking the stars and stuff. So simple, doesn't cost anything, like put a tent in the garden, amazing. And then I was doing like water parks and like instead of going, because we were looking at going away for like a week to some sort of hideous but amazing water park in like Portugal or something. I mean, five of us going away for a week in the summer is seriously looking at at least five grand. I mean, sorry, who's got five to seven grand just like plopping about for summer holidays these days? I have no idea. So, what was amazing was that this, I mean, the weather is incredible right now, isn't it? And there's great water parks in the UK. So, yeah, made a list of some amazing water parks and outdoor cinemas. I mean, how fun, like to go with your car and like sit, everyone's gonna love that, aren't they? Really low-cost stuff, like normal cinema stuff, when is things being released, and then like just some like little creative ideas, obviously holiday camps and all of that. Anyway, I just made a pretty thorough list of like activities and yeah, and my calendar and like slotted it all in. And then I looked at it and thought, I just don't want every other mother doing this. So I basically just blanked mine out and then made like a public link and just sent it around all my mum WhatsApp groups and whether they were just being nice and secretly thinking I was a lunatic, but they all seem very, very grateful. So I'm really happy to share that, and I'll put that in the little the little notes at the end of the podcast. So feel free to use that. But yeah, I think I think that is probably one of my first tips, Beck, is like, well, my first one we kind of covered, which is like look after yourself. So, like mentally, yes, validate how you're feeling, but also when you're planning that calendar, block in time for you and get some support. So don't just like only get support for the kids. But if you need to go and get your blooming hair done or get a massage or get some physio, or just go for a run, whatever it is, like book in time and support so that you look after yourself as well, not just all around the kids. And something you were saying earlier, Beck, around feeling guilty, something I learned a little while ago that's really helped me, and this is part of being a step-mum. I had a I feel a steep learning curve with that. Is if you have a choice between feeling guilty or resentful, choose guilt. And the reason is that at least if you're choosing guilt, it probably means that you're filling your cup, and so you're gonna like be healthier. Whereas if you're resentful, normally you've collapsed your boundary and said yes, and so you're like depleting yourself. So that has always really helped me because when you have a stepchild, it's so tempting all the time to try and take them on your own and just be like, Yeah, yeah, no, of course, I'll do absolutely everything for this other person's child all the time, and then feel really resentful about it. And I had to learn boundaries of going, I just don't have that in my cup, and that and that's gotta be a no. And then I'd feel so guilty about it. I got to the point where I was like, it's not worth the guilt, I'll just collapse my boundaries and be resentful all the time, and that was the wrong decision. So if you are looking at your plan and you're like, I couldn't possibly take a morning to myself because you'd feel so guilt guilty, if it's between guilt and resentment, choose guilt.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Yeah, I think that could apply. Obviously, your situation with stepchildren won't be unique. There probably are people listening who have a similar uh situation where maybe there are children from uh different past relationships and things, but also you know, if you're the one that has flexibility in your diary, then you can often be the one where people are like, Hey, can you can you pick my kid up? Can you do this with my kid? Uh we have it a lot with a few people, and it's okay to say no. Like you say, it can be a real time of practicing your boundaries with other people, but also with yourself, like your boundaries are a form of self-care. Like, I would argue, probably the most important part of your self-care, because without any boundaries, it's very easy not to practice self-care, and by that I mean exactly what you're saying, like taking time for yourself to do something that nourishes you.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Yeah, but this is it. I mean, like, I'm banging on at the moment about capacity, capacity is everything. Like, if you don't have capacity, you've got a short fuse, like you're no good to anyone, you can't take it on anything, you can't find joy in anything. Capacity is everything, and often the way to like protect your capacity is is saying no, and it's it's modelling to your children. Like, if you think the goal of this summer is for you to make to make it joyful for you, uh that is modelling to your children, like that you are gonna look after yourself, what joy is that joy is more important than like being a martyr or being stressed out or whatever it is. So, what do you have to do to make this holiday joyful for you so that you can like radiate joy for your children? And a lot of the time that means that you're gonna have to say no to stuff, but that's okay. So, yeah, I think you're absolutely right. It's all about this like protect your capacity so that you can truly be joyful and and see like see joy as productive, it's not frivolous, it's healing. You know, when your children see you laughing, swimming, playing, like building the sand castles, eating the ice cream, resting in the hammock, like that is absolute gold in terms of modelling and health for your children. Like, that's not like old mummies being lazy. That's like, what are we here for? We're here to enjoy this life we've been given and like model that for them. So, yeah, absolutely saying no, like protect your capacity and and like yeah, aim for joy, I would say. So plan all the stuff that's gonna help you feel joyful and and abundant of energy with your children and and and also know like that that's gonna go wrong. We spoke about that, didn't we, Beck? Like, I'm like, oh, be joyful. It's like you're gonna hit moments where you're like, I'm the opposite of joy, I feel like the devil, and I'll hear you. Like, even with all this training I was doing, I was telling Beck, like, I was so horrible to Lenny this week, obviously, not on purpose. I just I just hit my like capacity, and and then I beat myself up about it. I felt so guilty and I repaired, and he understood, and I was like, okay, like that can't happen this summer. And I like there was a few things that I was like, I have to remember. Like, I need to be his safe space. That that's like fundamental with the kids, right? You have to be their safe space. And if you can't, because your fuse is too short, you need to look after yourself. You need to either book a day for yourself or you need to reach out and get therapy because if a day doesn't cut it, like you have a day and then you come back and your fuse is short again. The truth is there's unhealed trauma there. And if you listen back to any of the episodes, like trauma is not a big event, trauma is just unresolved stress in the body and you're constantly being triggered. And you cannot willpower your way through neuroscience, your brain function, your system setup. If you are stuck in fight and flight because you've got a load of open loops, loads of unresolved stress, no willpower is going to get you through that. No, like I choose love as a mindset is gonna get you through having a short fuse. So if you have that short fuse, it's about reaching out and getting help for it. If, like, you know, taking the self-care is not enough, right, Beck?

SPEAKER_01 21:10

Yeah, or changing something in your reality. Because if you're going into the holidays or whatever situation you might be in with like that resentment or anger, you know, those are real emotions that show you you're feeling injustice. So, how can you make things right? How can you make things fair again? And coming back to that, because if you don't do that and you just carry on from a place of resentment, then it's not going to take much for your you know to tip over the edge and for your fuse to just explode and you have a meltdown over something that's relatively small, and maybe you end up taking it out on the wrong person, i.e. your kids, because you feel resentful that you've had to take a week off unpaid, or you've had to plan the whole week, or whatever it might be, when really you're angry, you're angry with the system, maybe, but okay, there's only so much we can do to change that. But maybe you're angry with your partner and you need to have like a proper conversation. Again, that comes back to boundaries and sort of making sure the load is as even as it can be.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Yeah, and I think like if anyone's interested, and obviously I'm just very in this work at the moment, my kids are young, so it's like of particular interest, but of sort of like what is important in terms of healing with your kids and what isn't. And this might sound obvious, but it's for me it's been really useful to get clarity on it. When we talk about repair, it's the idea that, like, yes, as children, at least like pre seven, like they you are their safe space, right? You are what we call their resource, and like they know that instinctively, from like an animalistic perspective, like subconscious. That they are not strong enough to protect themselves. So they wholly rely on you as their adult to be their safe space. Now, I'm not saying that to put pressure on, I'm just saying that from a neuroscience perspective, that's the truth. And that's how important it is to be their safe space. That said, stuff is going to go wrong, and you are going to get angry because that's life. Like, and even if you were the most the world's most perfect parent, that would also mess them up because no one else will be good enough for the rest of their life. So rest assured, like we're not going to get it right. So we have to repair. And the most important equation you can remember when you're repairing is explaining to the kid, I love you no matter what. Like our love is unconditional. I always say to my kids, I love you to the top, to the top, to the top. And Theo goes, and more and more and more. And I'm like, Yeah, to the top and more. I love you. And mommy was feeling angry because mommy's really tired. Mommy just needs an early night. So it's like, I love you is never in question. I love you so much. Even when I'm angry, I love you to the top. Mommy's just angry. Because what you're trying to avoid is them adapting, because they go, they are my resource, they're my safe space. They're not wrong. So it must be me. And when they adapt, that's when they start getting what we would call trauma because it's this adaptation to going, like, I'm not enough as I am. I have to change. There's something wrong with me. And it's not like something was wrong in that moment. It's like there's something fundamentally wrong with me. And that's where like shame lives, because they start believing that they are wrong, that they are the problem. And that's where the over the conversation comes, in which case I'm going to become a workaholic because I'm going to prove that I'm worthy, prove that I'm a good person. Where the perfectionism comes from I have to look good to be good enough. Because I had to adapt because I wasn't enough as I was. So we can stop all of that if we just go, look, I love you to the top, no matter what. I was just angry. Then they go, Oh, okay, it wasn't me. There's nothing wrong with me. Mummy was just angry. And that has been so useful for me because it's not like we have to be joyful all the time. We actually have to model anger. We have to go anger's a self, a safe emotion. We're not suppressing that. Mummy's angry right now. I'm not angry at you, but I'm going to go and draw a picture, I'm going to go for a run, I'm just going to try and let this anger pass through. But I love you to the top. So we're like separating like the emotion and the blame and the emotion and the behaviour. And that's that's where I think repair is really important. That we can we can say that. We can say I love you and I'm sorry, you know, but maybe I I got snappy, mummy was just angry, and angry's okay. So yeah, just remembering that you're safe space and that you can always repair. And what's kind of important in that repair is that they know that their love is unconditional and you mean it, you know?

SPEAKER_01 25:49

Yeah, and I think that whole process is really important to not aim for perfection, because actually, then you're resourcing your child to understand they can repair relationships with friendships, you know, if they they fall out with their best friend or something like that. You're resourcing them to be able to do that when they meet that challenge in their own lives, which they will, you know, as soon as you go out into the world, you're going to meet that challenge. So, yeah, I think that's such an important message. So, what else would you say about what's another top tip from you for summer? I think for a lot of people, money can be an issue in the summer because let's face it, going out in the UK is not cheap these days. If you go to the cinema or something like that, you've got your tickets, your popcorn, even if you take your own drinks, it's easy, you can easy spend like £50. So doing that every single day, and then it's the ice creams and the I want this when you go to a shop or something like that. Yeah, it can soon really, really add up. So I think if you are looking at planning your calendar, don't feel the pressure to go out every day or do those big things. Maybe it is one like more, you know, fleshy day out every week or fortnight or month, whatever it is, and then trying to fill the rest with free or cheaper things to do as well, like whether that's going to the library. Zoe still loves going to the library now, and she's 10, and they often have stuff like reading challenges on baking, going to the park, water stuff in the garden. Yeah, like being resourceful. And I think ChatGPT can definitely be your friend here. I know quite a lot of restaurants and things do free meals for kids as well. So, like, do your research, don't be in denial about it, and don't feel the pressure to spend loads and loads of money every day because it's not realistic. You know, like you were saying it costs five grand or something to go on holiday, it's ridiculous, but you can just as easily rack up probably a few grand over the holidays if you are not mindful about it. So I think you can still make it fun without yeah, overspending, like because then we're into September, and the last thing you want is a massive credit card debt or something like that at a time of year when you're probably gonna be start thinking about Christmas. I hate to say the C word before you know it, though. We're like right into that season, and then I think hand in hand with that allowing some free space on your calendar because bored bored being bored is allowed and giving space for whatever might happen on that day. I know one of the things my kids used to do a lot of on days where we didn't have anything planned was to make dens and stuff. Used to absolutely drive me insane because there'll be like 20 things from each room taken to make the den, having to put it all away after. But actually, you know, I look back and it was really cute that they used to do that. So yeah, don't feel the pressure to entertain 24-7 either.

SPEAKER_00 29:29

Yeah, that's such good advice. And I think like you're you're so great at this, Becky. I think it's kind of in the way that you live. But the last thing that I put on my list was see the magic.

SPEAKER_01 29:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Like we just did our our joint episode, our last time, wasn't it? Was on like kind of guidance and spirits and seeing the signs. And even this morning, we had a call from the Estasian yesterday being like, but you've got a house viewing on Wednesday, and I was like, Oh, fantastic! And my house is an absolute bomb site. So I woke up this morning, brush my teeth, and was gardening until the kids went to school. I mean, come on, what a joke! But as I was gardening, like there was a robin next to me, like hopping in and out on everything I did, and I honestly felt like my dad was with me. Feathers everywhere. I know I'm in a garden, of course, it's gonna be feathers. I just but I saw it, I saw the magic, and it made it beautiful. And I and I just think that will help me massively through the summer, just really seeing the signs and knowing that even when it's hard, it's it's where I meant to be. So I think just remember to see the magic, you know.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Yeah, and maybe imagine your ancestors as you're with your children, I think is a beautiful thing to do. Because I don't know, maybe those ancestors lived in a completely different way and didn't have some of the luxuries and the things that are possible for us now. So yeah, I think definitely staying aware, awake for the signs, because they're always around you.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

This is really corny, but it's something that I like truly felt, and like sometimes when I I'm feeling really short, and it's often with Lenny, he's my oldest, so he's like the most sassy, right? And I imagine him like a baby again, and I imagine like you know, I would not treat him like this if he was a baby, and he's still my baby, and not to get too attached to like the anger and the ego and the like, but I'm right, and like start fighting against a five-year-old, you know, or a child. It's like always choose love, and I know that's so corny, and I'm sorry to like end on such a corny note, but honestly, I do I think it's the answer. I think like we can we can get confused and we can forget, and like that's what Buddha would say, you know, they're just confused, like we've just got attached to like anger and all of those feelings, but ultimately we know like love is gonna be the answer, like whether it's with your husband, whether it's with a friend, whether it's with your child, whether it's yourself, right? So, like always come back to that, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:58

Yeah, what's the most loving thing you can do?

SPEAKER_00 32:01

Yeah, for you as well. Yeah.