Transform Your Life - Just Count Me In

#19 Holding Space Without Losing Yourself

• Sari Stone • Season 1 • Episode 19

Share episode

Send us a text

We explore the powerful concept of holding space for others without losing yourself, a crucial skill for anyone who feels drained when helping loved ones or struggles to support without becoming overwhelmed.

• Holding space means being present without judgment or trying to fix someone
• Creating a "sacred container" allows others to process emotions without you absorbing them
• Recognizing when you're getting emotionally entangled rather than being supportive
• Intensifying your presence through mindfulness and grounding techniques
• Understanding that boundaries protect your peace while holding space invites theirs
• Trusting someone's journey without needing to control it
• Acknowledging suffering as a teacher that some people need for growth
• Practicing forgiveness as releasing your grip on pain, not condoning behavior
• Using affirmations like "I offer space, not solutions" to strengthen your practice
• Guided meditation for centering yourself when supporting others

Follow me on Instagram at sarystone25. Just count me in for more resources, affirmations and soul-aligned guidance, and don't forget to subscribe. Remember you are not here to carry it all. You're here to hold space, honor energy and transform through love.


Thank you for joining me!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Transform your Life. Just Count Me In the podcast where we explore ways to release, renew and reconnect with your inspired self. Whether you're a growth-minded adult or a teen trying to navigate life, or a parent seeking peace in these chaotic times, this episode is for you and if you've ever felt drained, trying to help someone or unsure on how to support them without getting overwhelmed, today we're going to dive into a pretty powerful concept. We're going to explore how to hold space for others without losing yourself. Last week, we talked about letting go and aligning with the energy, using the energy of the waiting moon. This week, we're going to take it a little bit further Letting go and forgiveness and some things that have come up for me. Recently I went to a funeral. We went to a funeral. Come up for me. Recently I went to a funeral. We went to a funeral.

Speaker 1:

A friend of ours died and we had been doing pretty well with holding space for his wife. We love her very much and we were holding space for her and helping her through. And then, at the burial at sea, suddenly, when she put his ashes into the ocean, I just heard that sound of the urn and we were close with both of them and I just lost it. I mean, I was sobbing and all I could think of in that moment was I wasn't even holding space for her. I was just thinking, oh my gosh, this would be so awful to be putting my husband's ashes into the water and how would this feel. And she's losing her partner, and how would I deal with that. And I totally got into it with her and really there's no help. I could not help her from that place at all. She couldn't get to a peaceful place which we had been trying to hold for her, a calm, supportive place. Can't get here from there, not when I go there with her. And then we noticed during the course of the ride on the boat that people that came there were people that came up and hugged her and were supportive and held space and she cried and they laughed together and they held each other. And then there were some people who also came up there and completely broke down and she started taking care of them and, as a person who's been in that role, even when my mom died, I wasn't young and I can remember there I was comforting a lot of people when my mom died and it really is the time that you need to be receiving the comfort, and so when we're trying to help somebody else, when we're holding space for somebody that's going through a hard time, we definitely cannot go there with them, and this has been hard for me.

Speaker 1:

I do not like to see people I care about suffer. I don't like to see anybody suffer, so it's one that I really had to learn and had to work very hard on, so I hope this episode helps you. So holding space just to define it quickly means being present with someone without judgment or without trying to fix them. That's a tough one. To fix them, that's a tough one. It means creating a calm, like a sacred container, so that they can process their emotions without you needing to absorb them. And, as a highly sensitive, empathetic person, this is a practice, and it's something I work with my kids with, too, my clients. You are not the healer they are, you are the space where healing actually becomes possible. So you have to remember you can't get there from here.

Speaker 1:

Meeting somebody in their chaos does not help. Staying grounded and aligned does so how do you stay grounded and aligned? Was my big question when I first started coaching and I started learning that I was blowing it in a lot of the relationships in my life by getting into it with people too much and not holding space for them to feel it, by jumping in and trying to make suggestions, or I still have to bite my tongue. It's an old habit to try to fix, to try to ease, to try to help people feel better, and then I realize it's their lesson, it's their trip right now, it's their life and it does not help for me to feel their feelings with them or for them. What you can do is intensify your own presence. So, if you have a mindfulness practice or a meditation practice, you're just in touch with your inner self, just taking a moment, getting in touch with your breath, rooting down, remembering that this is not a mindset shift, this is a body shift, it's an energetic shift.

Speaker 1:

We don't need to put up a shield of protection, we need to just hold space, and it's not either or it's both, and as it comes to boundaries and holding space. So the first, the second step is to become very aware of the voice and to help them become aware of the voice inside of them. Boundaries protect your peace. Holding space invites theirs. So you do set up a boundary, to make sure that you're not crossing over into something that is actually interference. And it's a question I ask is this mine and am I interfering? And I wait and listen to the guidance that I get.

Speaker 1:

Empowered, compassion says hey, I trust you're okay. Even though it's not okay right now, even in your pain, I trust that you, at the soul level, are okay, because I trust in the process of life. You're not responsible for their healing. You are responsible for your own vibration and for some of us it takes more practice than others. But you can actually watch a person calm down, open up, finish venting if that's all they have to do, and they'll even say well, thank you so much for just holding the space so that I could process that emotion and I just told them you're welcome. So part of this is also trusting your journey, and that comes with trusting yourself. So you can take a couple breaths, ground yourself down and remember that trust is love in action. When you hold space, even though somebody's in pain or angry or anxious, you're trusting someone's soul to do what it came here to do, even when it's messy, even when you wish that you could fix it. So suffering was the part that was really hard for me, and suffering is a place where it's a reaction that we have for many different reasons, many different circumstances, and it's a way of processing things.

Speaker 1:

Suffering is also a teacher. According to Google, suffering is an emotional experience in response to many different causes. So there's deep suffering and there's short suffering, there's collective suffering and there's individual suffering. Either way, sometimes you you know you can't be everybody's teacher. I certainly can't be everybody's teacher and sometimes they already have a teacher. Sometimes it's another person, sometimes their other teacher is actually suffering, and we all learn through suffering. You still evolve and suffering is just your old spiritual teacher and you heal either way. Some people only learn through suffering and some people are addicted to that. Others move on. So I've had plenty of times where I have learned from suffering and I am now moving on and learning more and more without needing to suffer.

Speaker 1:

Another topic that is important here is forgiveness, and we have done an episode on forgiveness and we realized that it doesn't mean agreeing with somebody's behavior. It just means you're releasing your grip on the pain and the person that's suffering at the time might actually need to release their grip on the pain and stop hurting themselves over it. They need to be able to come to peace. So it's not a matter of well. I think Eckhart Tolle said beyond happiness and unhappiness, there's peace. He's a very, very I follow him very brilliant person, and for them to get to a peaceful place, they're going to stop hurting themselves over what happened, forgive the soul and say that behavior is definitely not okay, but I'm not going to hurt myself about it anymore.

Speaker 1:

Holding space also does not mean allowing disrespect, because somebody could turn their anger on you and they could start projecting their anger on you. At that point, you still remain. If you don't need to remove yourself from the situation, depending on how strong you are, you remain grounded and you remain vibrating at a high level and you stay present with love and truth through it until that passes. Sometimes, when we just allow an emotion, it will pass. Emotion, it will pass. I'm going to give you some affirmations and some journal prompts, and there's also a guided meditation to go with this. Let's process what we've got so far. Okay, affirmations that might help you with this.

Speaker 1:

I trust the path of others without needing to control it. Life is unfolding exactly how it should be. I can love a person without losing myself. I offer space, not solutions. I stay grounded in compassion and guided by peace. I hold boundaries that protect my energy and honor theirs. So if you're up to some journaling now or you can come back to this and do some journaling, it will also help you process at a deeper level.

Speaker 1:

This is difficult. As a friend, when somebody's hurting, it can be difficult to hold space. As a coach or therapist, it can be difficult to hold space. The people that I'm coaching a lot of the teenagers it's hard for them to hold space, sometimes with their friends without getting into it, and they've practiced a lot and they're noticing a big difference in their lives and their relationships too. We've also had a lot of loss. There have recently been a few deaths in our coaching community and holding space so that the people can grieve and the people can express their emotions without worrying about taking care of my feelings or your feelings is essential for their healing. So journaling prompts when these are pretty deep.

Speaker 1:

I'm just going to warn you. When have I tried to fix someone instead of holding space? So think about a time that you intervened. I have so many that come to mind when I think that, because it is the way. Unfortunately, it's the way I lived my life for a very long time and it wasn't it wasn't a good thing. It took me a long time to correct that. I felt very responsible for everybody's feelings and like, if I couldn't help them or couldn't help them fix it, that I was failing in some way. And that's totally not the case. You're actually robbing somebody of the opportunity of a lesson that is theirs or an experience that is theirs to process if you steal it and experience it for them. So when have I done this to someone and what does compassion without attachment actually look like in my life? Where am I practicing compassion without attachment actually look like in my life? Where am I practicing compassion without attachment? Where can I trust more and release control? How do I maintain my energy when others are struggling, and what boundaries do I need to feel safe and open and pick one relationship where you struggle with this and think about a time that you went there with them and the result that it had, and then journal about what this could have looked like if you had allowed them the space.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the next part of this is a guided meditation, so I'm going to ask you to go somewhere comfortable and get ready. When we started this season of change this spring, I knew that I was going to have five seniors graduating and I knew that five of my students were in middle school or would be transitioning to middle school, and I knew that a few people would likely be dying, but I had no idea that five people were actually going to transition in like an eight-day period. So it has really been an opportunity to just see all transitions and all of the changes that are going on, and holding space for people has been essential. So I hope this meditation helps you with that. Take a comfortable seat or maybe lay down, if you need to lay down. Close your eyes wherever you are, and begin with a slow, deep breath in and then a longer breath out, breath out.

Speaker 1:

This time, seal your lips and take a big breath in through the nose, fill up a little deeper, and out through the nose, just letting the body calm down. In through the nose, like you have a balloon in your belly, and out through the nose, relaxing and becoming more present, more aware. Deep breath in, connect on your breath out. Imagine your body as rooted as a tree. Your body's grounded, it's strong. Visualize someone in your life who's struggling. See them surrounded by light. See yourself surrounded by light and feel that light flowing within you, from the crown of your head, evenly around your brain, evenly around your brain, behind your eyes, inside your ears, down your throat, and fill yourself with the love and the light and all things. Let that light circle around your heart, your beautiful heart, and down your arms, into your fingers, down your stomach, through your hips, down your legs, through your toes, and then feel that energy go into the earth, all the way to the center of the earth, and let the earth give something back to you. So again, visualize someone, that person in your life who's struggling and while you remain filled with the light, repeat I trust your journey.

Speaker 1:

It's not my journey, I'm not here to fix you. I trust your journey. You are the screen. You are not this movie. You are guided, you are grace, you are love. God only gives us what we can handle. You have the resources for this situation.

Speaker 1:

I am a vessel of peace. I offer calm without absorbing chaos. I release any urge to carry what isn't mine. I carry what is mine and leave the rest to trust. I trust, so slowly, feel in your body where trust lives and make trust bigger. Make it bigger on every inhale and on every exhale. I trust Exhale, I trust. Inhale. I receive, I am, exhale, I love, I trust, I am. Slowly start to bring movement to fingers and toes and your ankles and your wrists. If you want, you can stay. Stay in this place where you're just feeling this total peace of trusting. I trust. And if you need to go, I hope you come back to this meditation. Try it once a day for a while. Try it once a day for a while and bring your awareness to your skin and to the place where the air is touching your skin and to that place within each of us and the connection within all of us. When you're ready, open up your eyes.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much for tuning in to Transform your Life. Just count me in. If today's episode on holding space touched your soul in any way, share it with a friend, a child or a fellow parent who might be struggling to support other people without burning out. Teachers have really resonated with this episode so far. Follow me on Instagram at sarystone25. Just count me in for more resources, affirmations and soul-aligned guidance, and don't forget to subscribe. That really helps support the podcast and also, you will never miss an episode. Remember you are not here to carry it all. You're here to hold space, honor energy and transform through love. Be a vessel of love and peace in this world. Until next time, just count me in. Thank you, you.