Transform Your Life - Just Count Me In

# 39 Change! From Bracing to Creating

• Sari Stone • Season 1 • Episode 40

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# 39  If you have ever asked "Why this?" When life hands you a change you didn’t choose, the mind jumps to threat and the heart tightens. We’re unpacking a compassionate way through: how to use contrast as feedback, ask better questions, and shift your brain from bracing to creating—without faking positivity or bypassing real feelings.


Thank you for joining me!

SPEAKER_00:

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that was imposed on you or you didn't consciously choose, and it affected your life, your relationship, your well-being, and you thought, man, this is not what I signed up for. This episode is for anyone who's feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or just a little bit unsure about your next step, and it's actually going to help you bring together neuroscience and spiritual insight to help you get unstuck, align with your desires, and lean back into the flow of your life. So if you've ever asked why me, this might be your answer. Hey, welcome and welcome back to Transform Your Life. Just Count Me In. I'm Sari, and today's episode was inspired by one of my beautiful students who's actually turning 16 next week. She reminded me of something that we all need to remember. She's had a very remarkable journey this past year that contrasts like those moments when we don't get what we think we want or what we know we want aren't actually setbacks at all. They turn into signposts. They're pointing us towards clarity and growth and opportunities to align with what is truly our highest and best self. And she is such a powerful example that through the struggles, how our desires or fears and even our challenges are all part of the same beautiful dance. So it all started her last year of middle school. She was getting ready to end that and going to high school. And there's always a certain amount of nervousness, you know, going to a new school and making transition from middle school to high school. And then to kind of compound that, not only was she making a choice about which high school to go to, but she was making a choice about going to a new high school in another country. And it wasn't a completely foreign country. They had traveled there before and she knew she liked it, but she didn't particularly want to leave her friends and leave choir and leave the life that she had built in her 14-15 years and go there. She was pretty heartbroken at first and she didn't want to leave her friends. And even though every single thought she had seemed to be filled with fear and resistance, I just knew that this was going to be an opportunity for her, and her parents did too. Because when you know what you don't want, you start to really know what you do want. We began by leaning into the fear, not avoiding it, not trying to act positive. We're more mature than we were, but just not putting a band-aid on it, just leaning into it. So I said to her, let's just go there. Let's go there. What are you really afraid of? Why don't you want to go? And she said, I'm not gonna fit in. I I am not gonna have any friends. I said, keep going, tell me more. I'll be behind everybody. Everybody's gonna be smarter than me. Nobody is gonna like me. What if I get there and I absolutely hate it? And I said, Keep telling me, so why don't you want to go? And I kept just kept asking her why. And she said, because I'm scared I won't belong. And bingo, there it was, the nugget of gold beneath all this fear. She didn't just not want to move, she wanted to feel belonging, she wanted to feel connection, confidence, she wanted to feel ease. Yet this move really turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her last year. She found a school that celebrated her gifts. I think she was in the best position that she could have been in. She had a community that felt so much like home. Even though she hadn't been born and raised there, she felt at home. Now this didn't just happen because she leaned into her fear. It happened because she shifted her energy, and we worked on this for a while. She did it one thought at a time. We started looking at it like it was a seesaw, like she was on a seesaw, and her thoughts were on a seesaw. On one side are our heavier thoughts: the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, the yucky feelings, just the bad feelings. And on the other side are the lighter ones like curiosity, openness, trust, faith. The heavier side felt real. And it did. It was real. It was tangible. They the feelings were heavy. They felt bad in her body. She just wanted to cry. She was also very angry. But then she started asking, What do I actually want to feel? I don't want to feel this. So what do I want to feel? If I'm saying I want to fit in, how does it feel in my body when I fit in? Can I think of a time when I fit in and I felt like I belonged and everything was right with the world? And how did it feel in my body? When I'm home and loved and accepted, like when I'm with my family or when she's working with me, how does it feel just to be loved and accepted for who I am? No reason. Because if I need a reason to love you, then I love the reason I don't really love you. How does it feel when I have friends? How do I feel when I'm with them? Am I a hundred percent certain that I'm not gonna fit in and make friends? Absolutely not. So I may as well not stay swimming in these mucky waters. Slowly we started to turn towards lighter thoughts and it felt good in our heart. Thoughts like, what if making new friends ends up being easier than I think? Or what if the teachers really do get me? Is it possible for the teachers to get me? Is it possible for me to make new friends there? What if it's easier than I think to do well there? What if success comes easily to me? What if this turns out to be even better than anything I imagine? Slowly the seesaw began to balance. And there were back and forth moments, but not too many, to be honest with you. And she recognized them as part of the process. I just pointed it out. Just a little glitch, just a little quiz life is throwing at you. And then all of a sudden, one week it lifted. It felt like magic because life is magical, and she is magical, and she deserves to be happy. She deserves to have the life that she wants and to celebrate her life. She began to attract experiences that matched her later thoughts, and she loved this. It felt good. What exactly was going on in her brain? Like I wanted to make sure because I educate my clients and my students about this pharmacy we've got between our ears, this computer we've got going on, and how really our brains are just following our directions, and the universe is just giving us the experiences and people that are a match to what we're tuned into. Let's bring in the science because your brain backs this up. When we focus on what we don't want, the brain's a Magdala fires up. That's your fear and survival center, of course, right? It narrows your focus, it limits creativity, it would save your life if you were in danger and tells your nervous system to brace yourself. But when we don't need to be feeling this way, when we're not in imminent danger and we're just going through a change, something unfamiliar, we can intentionally shift towards curiosity or hope or even a tiny bit of gratitude. We activate that prefrontal cortex, that part of the brain that's responsible for vision, for emotional regulation, for problem solving. And these are the troops that we want to be calling in when we are undergoing a change or when a change has been imposed on us. This isn't just positive thinking. I am really resistant to that term anymore. It's neuroplasticity in action. That's why a single thought, like, what if it's easier than I think can literally shift you out of your drama and shift your body's chemistry. You can start producing dopamine and serotonin just by saying, what if? And I laugh every time I say it. And I say it at moments when I'm not really feeling light or happy. I'll be like, what if this ends up being easier than I think? And that feel-good hormone just opens me up to all new possibilities. Our brains rewire themselves every time we choose a better feeling thought. Now, can we go from being panicked about something to being excited about it in one thought? Highly unlikely. I mean, it is possible but not probable. It happens a little bit at a time very often. And very often we don't pursue this method, the gradient type method, because we think, well, I can't just switch from this feeling to feeling great. I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I'm pretty low right now. But remember, you're not just thinking differently. You are becoming different. We start seeing these coincidences and synchronicities. Instead of being surprised and saying, I can't believe this worked out, or I can't believe this is happening, we start to say, Of course this is happening, of course I have friends, of course, my teachers are trying to help me learn as much as I can. Of course, I'm meeting great people. Of course, I'm making myself right. I believe that life is happening for me. So when you reach for a lighter thought, what if it's a little easier than I think? You are not putting a band-aid of false positivity on it. You're not denying the problem. I am not about that. What I am about is rewiring, training, evolving, changing. You're training your nervous system to expect good solutions. And that is when everything starts to shift in your body, in your emotions, in your outer world. As Esther Hicks teaches, you can't know what you do want until you know what you don't want. Contrast is divine feedback. It's your inner guidance system lighting up and saying, hey, that's not it. We need to go this way. And then what happens to most of us is that we stay in that mucky part of what we don't want and keep beating that drum. The key is not to beat the drum of what's wrong, it's to gently pivot, and this is why we have friends, coaches, and parents, towards what feels even just a little tiny bit better. And that's the place where spirit joins hands with science in that tiny moment when you reach for relief. Yes, you're asking for relief. Why? Because it's painful to feel this way. It's painful to feel like we don't have a choice, and it's painful to feel afraid. So, how can I feel just a little better than the way I feel right now? What thought, what can I say that's just a little bit of relief? How can I rephrase this so that it feels a little bit better than it does right now? Just a little better. Every lighter thought that you choose, every time you focus on what feels closer to love, closer to possibility, closer to gratitude, you align with the frequency of your higher self. And alignment is what turns desire into experience. So let's get practical. Here are some tools because I have these ideas and these teachings, and as a student of life myself, I like to have tools and ways to practice things. You can try some of these to see if they help you move from stuck to flow. How do we use this seesaw in real life, especially when you're stuck at that heavy end? Number one, I decided to call this the seesaw journal practice. Draw a line down the middle of your page. On the left, this one is pretty easy. I've even done it with younger children. Write down what you don't want or what feels heavy or what's going on that you wish wasn't going on. Basically, the downer part. On the right, write what it tells you about what you do want. So let's say I'm feeling not well. Let's say I have pain in my body or I'm not feeling well. I would write that down on the left, and then I would think, what is it that I do want? Well, I definitely want to feel healthy and strong and like I have the energy to do what I want to do. Am I gonna just flip a switch and get there? No, not unless there's something in this coffee that I don't know about. So, okay, so I'm feeling a little bit better after I take breaths, or after I drink this water, I'm definitely gonna start feeling lighter. My body's going to feel better, or I know that I'm moving towards health a little bit at a time. You don't need to jump from despair to joy, so don't give up if you can't do that. Just move one notch lighter, a little bit lighter. That's all. Another method you can try is the 90-second reset. And there's a neuroscientist, Joel Bolt Taylor, discovered that emotions naturally move through the body in about 90 seconds unless we keep recycling the thought that triggered them. I was really resistant to this, so I definitely dove in and researched it. And it is true. When you're upset, give yourself 90 seconds to feel it as unpleasant as it is. Lean in, let it move through, all the way through you. Then disallow it and choose a new thought. Give yourself the full 90 seconds. You can even set a timer. You can ruminate as much as you want for 90 seconds. And this actually works. The third way is the what if reframe. And I like that one. It's what if? What if I actually can? What if it ends up being fun? What if I'm more ready than I think? What if this is just change helping me grow? What if it's it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me? What if it's fun? Okay, what if it's easy? And I can't even ask those questions without smiling, and I'm not even thinking of a topic right now. Just the what ifs really excite me. Strategy four, name it to tame it. So when you are in an overwhelmed place, say it out loud. Don't try to act like you're not feeling that way. Feel it. Okay, not I am anxious because we don't want to put it into a state where we're identifying, but right now I'm feeling anxious. Okay, not I am uncertain, but I'm feeling uncertain. Remember, you are the screen, not the movie. All these things that are happening to you are gonna pass, and you, the screen, are what remains. Another one, the fifth one, is the emotional pivot pause. And I didn't name this one actually, someone else did. When you feel yourself spiraling into what if it doesn't work, pause, take a really, really deep breath, and ask yourself what's one thought that feels a little bit lighter right now. One thought. It could be anything, it could be that tomorrow the sun's gonna come up. It does not even have to be related to tell you the truth, it's just to lighten you up, and this tiny pivot will help open you up to thinking a different way, even if it's just a slight improvement over your situation, and it's gonna create some momentum towards clarity. Use your body as a compass. Your body tells you the truth faster than your mind does. If something feels heavy, if something feels tight, if something feels off or anxious or turny, notice it. Breathe through it and ask your body what would feel better, what would feel like relief. Your emotions are your gauge. And when you're feeling good, you're moving towards what you want. And when you're feeling not so good, you are moving away, you're moving towards the heavier side of the seesaw, and that's just what it is. Another practice that you can do is the five-minute future self. You can just close your eyes and picture yourself six months or a year from now. We had her picture herself at the end of her school year, at peace, thriving, in alignment, totally happy, saying this was the best thing I could have done. I am so much happier here than I ever thought I could be. I love this school so much. I love my friends here. And then ask yourself, what was it that I stopped believing this past year that allowed me to get to this happy place? And what would this version of me a year from now want to say to me now? Write down the first sentence that pops into your mind. That's your next step. Here are some journaling prompts that you can try, or you can just listen to these or pause and come back. What contrast am I experiencing right now, and what do I not want? What is that actually helping me see that I do want? How do I want to feel this in the next chapter? What thoughts feel heavy, and what lighter thoughts could I reach for, even if it's just a little bit lighter? What may be possible if I truly believe that it's easier than I think? What if it is? Here are some affirmations that I've used. So you can listen to these, or you can write them, come back and then write them down later or say them with me. I honor contrast as my guide towards clarity. My brain and my energy align with what I desire. Every lighter thought brings me one step closer to my true self. I'm open to the idea that it's actually easier than I think it is. I'm the creator of my vibration. My vibration shapes my reality. Today, as we celebrate my student and all of us who are learning to trust our desires, just remember you're not behind. You can't be, I talk about this with my daughter, you can't be behind and not on time in your own life because it's it's your life. It's somebody else doesn't impose a timeline on your life. You're just learning how to trust your desires and you're becoming, not behind. Contrast is not punishment, it's information. As you lean toward the higher end of the seesaw, you rise into alignment with the life that's been waiting for you all along. It's been yours all along. Contrast is working for you because it's helping you see what you do want. Every single second that I say to myself, I don't want this, it just rockets me up, and I launched into naming what I do want. And when you lean toward that higher end, you allow yourself to believe it could be easier than you think. Guess what happens? Life starts meeting you halfway, and it does. So happy 16th birthday to my incredible, beautiful student. A reminder that alignment is not age-specific, and I'm so glad that she's getting it now. I work with people in their 40s and 50s that are still working on this. It's a choice that we can all make every day. Until next time, keep leaning toward the light. Keep choosing ease. And as always, I hope you just count me in. If today's episode helped you shift your perspective, please share it with someone who's ready to move forward in their light. And please download this podcast and leave a review or a comment. That would really help the podcast a lot. Have a beautiful week.