#50. New Year, Same You, Less Pretending Choosing Standards Over Goals

Influential Women Verified

As the year comes to a close, many people feel pressure to set goals and define the future — even while exhausted.

In this episode, we explore a different approach:

What if alignment matters more than goals?

Drawing from neuroscience research, lived experience, and reflective practice, this episode explores how chronic stress often stems from incongruence — the gap between who we truly are and who we feel we need to be.

You’ll learn:

• Why alignment is a nervous system state, not a mindset
• How incongruence keeps the brain in survival mode
• Why choosing a personal standard can feel more regulating than setting goals
• A short regulation practice to help you reconnect with what feels honest

This episode is for anyone seeking clarity, ease, and truth as they enter the new year.

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Transcript

Welcome And Purpose Of The Show

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Welcome to Just Count Me In, a podcast designed to help you break free from your limitations and step into the life that you actually were meant to live. I'm Sari Stone and I'm a holistic coach with a background in education. For the past six years, I've been guiding people to transform their lives from the inside out. My journey, to be honest with you, was not always clear. For years, I actually felt like I was living someone else's life, checking all the right boxes, but never feeling quite truly fulfilled. That all changed when I experienced a few miracles, met some incredible teachers, and had a major wake-up call that forced me to shift my entire perspective. Wayne Dyer once said, When you change the way you look at things, the things that you look at change, and that is exactly what this podcast is about. Helping you see your life in a new way so that you can start living with authenticity, purpose, and passion. Each week, I'm going to bring you 30-minute episodes filled with insights, practical strategies, and inspiring interviews to help you uncover what truly lights you up and identify what's been holding you back. Eventually, this is going to ignite your motivation and create real change. Are you ready to step into the life you were meant to live? Then just count me in. Hit subscribe and join me on this journey. If this episode resonates, please share it with a friend who needs a little inspiration today. Let's do this together. Welcome back. Welcome back to Transform Your Life, Just Count Me In. So I always thought it was ironic that the start of a new year, we're often a little bit dysregulated from the exhaustion of the holiday season, and then we're being asked to set goals and make predictions for the year and five-year goals, and it just didn't really sit well with me. And as we start this new year, there's that same familiar pressure in the air. Set goals, make plans, decide who you're going to be. And I want to slow all that down today. What if this year isn't asking you to set another goal? What if it's just asking you, like, who are you willing to be? What if it's about choosing a standard? Not something to achieve, but something to live from? One of the strongest and most important messages we send our children and hopefully each other is just be yourself. Yet, how many of us are actually brave enough to do that? And what's the cost of not being yourself? We're going to dive into that today. So goals versus standards. Goals are external. There's nothing wrong with them. They're often shaped by comparison, sometimes culture, sometimes fear or conditioning. There's nothing wrong with goals. As long as they're actually in alignment with ourselves, with who we really are and what we really want. There's something measurable usually with an external matrix, a smart goal. So what if we call goals maybe just a natural byproduct of following our guidance and expanding into the person we came here to be? What if that's what goals really are about? You have nothing to lose becoming 100% of who you are. Carl Jung said that. Standards are more internal, they shape us how we move through our lives. The goal asks, what do I want to accomplish? A standard asks, what's true for me? And am I living in alignment with that truth? I had to think about this myself or what my standard is this year. And my standard is congruence. I'm asking myself, which parts of my life are currently supporting congruence, alignment, feel right, and which parts don't? What behaviors do I have that support me behaving in a way that's in congruence with who I am and the person that I'm becoming? And what behaviors do I have, aka scrolling the phone, etc., that maybe are not in congruence? Which people actually support me when I'm showing up as 100% Sari, and which don't? I'm examining literally every area of my life to sort this out. Because this life is a gift, because we never know when it's going to be over. Because whatever is rejected in yourself, according to Carl Young, shows up in the real world to remind us. So what congruence actually means. Congruence means that my inner world and my outer life match. That what I say yes to is something that feels safe and calm in my body. That what I say yes to reflects what I value. And how I work reflects what I value. I'm not putting on some kind of performance. I'm not presenting a version of myself just to stay safe, accepted, or productive. Congruence asks one honest question over and over and over again. Is this true for me? Does this feel right for me? Here's why this matters on a biological level. And I'm so happy that this is really important. And finally, we have the research to back it. When I look back on where we were 15 years ago, I'm so excited because I know we're heading in the right direction. I'm excited because we've come so far. I was teaching mindfulness in schools in 2010, and it was a new concept. Now we know that it actually makes us available to learn when the body is calm and centered. Research is my best friend these days. Here we knew it, but there's more and more research to support it. So this research came out of Harvard and Stanford, and they both show that chronic stress is not often caused by how much or what we're doing, but by how misaligned we are while we're doing it. We live in a state of incongruence, and when we live that way, when who we really are doesn't match who we feel we need to be, the nervous system gets on high alert. I never knew this. But this actually creates elevated cortisol, chronic anxiety, fatigue, and brain fog. Choosing congruence means getting really clear about what I'm available for. And it makes us take a good hard look at ourselves. The way I see it is children, I see children that are bright but very anxious. Teenagers are really capable but sometimes disengaged. Adults are very successful that I see, but they are exhausted, and they're not broken. They're just living lives that don't fully fit anymore. And the body responds by saying this isn't safe on a chemical level. Alignment is actually a nervous system state. That's why alignment has nothing to, well, I'm not going to say it has nothing to do with mindset, but it isn't a mindset. You can't think your way into it, you can't affirm your way into it. Alignment happens when the body feels safe enough to be honest, period. When the nervous system can just exhale. When we stop overriding ourselves, congruence restores safety. And as soon as safety returns, clarity follows. It feels so much better. I had to take a good hard look, and I'm asking my clients to look at what they're available for and what they're no longer available for. So personally, I'll just be transparent with this. Choosing congruence means getting clear that I'm available for work that honors my nervous system, depth over volume, real conversations over performative positivity, supporting children, teens, and adults in coming back to themselves. I'm available for teaching and coaching that integrates neuroscience, emotional regulation, and learning. I'm available for relationships that are rooted in honesty, respect, and trust. And I'm very available for growth that's sustainable and human. What I have decided I am no longer available for, just as importantly, is hustling at the expense of my nervous system, performing a version of myself that seems to be more palatable, more easily digested by other people, consistently working in ways that deplete me without honoring the cost, blurring my boundaries in ways that undervalue and underpay me for deep work. I'm not available for overriding my intuition to meet other people's expectations of me, measuring my worth by visibility, matrix, or numbers alone. And that's a tough one, especially in the podcast business. These aren't rules, they're signals of alignment. So as this year closes, I want to offer a different set of questions than I usually do. Maybe your standard is congruence too. Maybe it's gentleness, maybe it's presence, maybe it's truth. You don't have to decide today. Just listen to yourself and answer. Not so much what do I want to accomplish next year, but where was I most myself this year? Where did I stop and override my truth? What felt really honest, even if it didn't look very impressive? What am I no longer available for? How does my life as it currently looks support congruence? And what habits do I have that don't? You don't need perfect answers for this. Just notice as you're answering these questions what your body responds to. So a standard doesn't demand constant effort. It's something you measure choices against. If my standard is inner peace, I'm going to measure all my choices against that. My standard is congruence. It's living in alignment with who I authentically am and getting in touch with myself as I'm connected to the greater whole to ask: is this expanding for me? Is this what I truly want? Is this honest for me? And then before pushing, I ask myself, am I forcing or am I listening? Before setting any kind of goal, I ask, is this coming from fear or truth? So you don't need a new version of yourself this year. You just need permission to live as the real one. If you're someone who feels sensitive, thoughtful, or burnt out, especially within systems like school, work, or expectations, there's nothing wrong with you. Often it's not about trying harder, which is the good news. It's more about creating safety, clarity, and self-trust from the inside out. That's the work that I care deeply about, both here and on the podcast and in my private work with clients with Congruency Coaching. If you're more interested in that or you know someone that might benefit from that work, please reach out and message me. As we enter this new year, maybe the practice isn't forcing ourselves into new habits and distracting ourselves yet again. Maybe it's about listening more closely to our nervous system, to our joy, to what feels aligned rather than obligatory. I am so grateful you're here. And we have been together 11 months, almost a year now. I am so grateful that we get to start this year out together with honesty, compassion, and presence. As we move into this new year, I want to say this gently. If something in this episode resonated, if you're tired of pushing, tired of performing, tired of trying to make yourself fit into structures that don't quite fit you, you are not alone. In addition to this podcast, I work privately with a very small number of people through one-on-one coaching. The work we do focuses on nervous system regulation, self-trust, and learning how to engage with life in a way that feels aligned, not forced, not artificial. This is deep reflective work, and I keep it intentionally personal. That's why I limit the amount of clients that I see. So if you're curious, you can learn more about this through the link in the show notes. And if this podcast is simply a place you like to come to to take a breath and reflect, I'm glad you're here too. Thank you for walking this new year with me.