#67: Start Leading: The Art Of Letting Go To Grow

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Episode Summary:

This episode explores the often-overlooked third layer of alignment: letting go. After setting boundaries and making aligned decisions, true growth requires releasing what no longer fits—whether in relationships, business, or personal identity.

Key Concepts:

• Cognitive dissonance as a signal, not a flaw
• How neuroplasticity shifts your standards
• The cost of avoiding clear decisions
• Letting go as a leadership skill

Takeaways:

• Misalignment often shows up as resentment or frustration
• Growth changes what you can tolerate
• Avoiding “no” creates long-term friction
• Letting go creates space for alignment

CTA:

If you’re navigating a decision, relationship, or leadership challenge and want clarity without the emotional noise, I offer 1:1 coaching sessions designed to help you move with precision and confidence.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Week In Flow

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm Sari Stone and I'm your host for Transform Your Life. Just Count Me In. I want to thank you again for taking your time today to listen to this episode. It's a good one. I've had a really great week with my clients and tutoring students and just in my life in general, things have been in a really good flow for me. So I just wanted to explain this episode is a natural continuation of the conversation that we've been having around boundaries and alignment. Because here's the truth: setting boundaries is one thing, making aligned decisions is another. But there's this third layer that people don't talk about. What happens when alignment requires you to let something go? Sometimes when you get aligned, you need to let something go in order for that to happen. And sometimes people let go of you. It can be a relationship, a client, a way of working, even an old version of yourself. And if I'm being honest, I just live this in real time. So I can't have a podcast about transforming lives if I'm not transforming mine. And I'm constantly transforming mine. My life just keeps getting better and better and better. I had a situation recently with a family I work with, and I really adore their child. I love the kids I work with, but something felt off. Not first. Like at first it was just subtle. I found myself saying yes, but internally I didn't really feel all the way aligned. I was making exceptions, and when I didn't feel comfortable doing it, I was talking my way out of it, not listening enough to my heart and my gut, just overriding my decisions. And I was making exceptions. It was costing me family time. I was charging less than my normal fee. I was basically allowing my boundaries to be totally optional because I valued this client so much. And I stopped and I thought, uh, was I actually valuing myself? When I noticed that I was getting a creeping feeling of frustration, even a little bit of like snarkiness when I thought about the situation, that's really not me, and that's not how I want to show up. So I realized that it needed to change. I had to pause and just like ask myself, what is this really about? What I realized was this. I was out of alignment with my own standards. I say I value fairness, I wasn't making sure that I was being treated fairly. I say that I honor my work, and part of that means getting paid for what I do. I was tolerating something that just didn't reflect my values, and that gap is what was creating tension. So I was wondering what why does that gap create tension? And that is cognitive dissonance. When you say who you are, and then you allow these to happen and it doesn't match. It's when you say who you are and what you're allowing don't match. And people who misread that feeling, they think, Why am I being impatient? Why am I irritated? Why am I reacting like this? Am I not a good person? But it's actually not dysfunctional on your part. It's data, it's your system telling you, hey, abort mission, this is not fitting here. And this is where I want to say something that might challenge how we think about growth. Because growth doesn't just expand your capacity, growth changes your tolerance, also. It's not just the standard you set, it's what am I no longer willing to accept and what am I ready to accept? There's a lot of research behind this. Your brain is constantly adapting through neuroplasticity. So you evolve. You're not happy with the way something is. That defines what you do want. You focus on what you do want. You evolve when you accept changes. What feels normal, what feels aligned, and all those things change as you do. So what you're willing to accept changes. What feels normal changes. What feels aligned changes. What was okay a week ago, I realized is really not okay. Some relationships may naturally stop fitting. Not because anybody's wrong, not because anybody's better or worse, but you just don't match in that context. And that was really hard. It was hard for me. And it's hard for my clients when they go through big changes and all of a sudden they feel like they're not a fit with their old friends, or it's hard for them to relate to their families sometimes. It's hard for them to go out with the people that they used to work with and relate. But here's where most people get stuck. They see themselves as becoming misaligned, but really they don't act on it when they first see the misalignment. Because letting go feels like loss. What is actually happening when you dig into it, and it doesn't sound pretty, is they're experiencing scarcity. They're afraid maybe there won't be something else around the corner. And they're experiencing a lack of faith. And they have a lack of faith that the best is waiting right around the corner for them as soon as they act as if they deserve it. There's a lot of work around this. Even in negotiation theory, like in Never Split the Difference by Chris Foss, people often avoid clear decisions because they're afraid of hearing or saying no. It's much easier in the moment to be wishy-washy, but it's really not. You're prolonging the pain, and here's what you pay for it. When you avoid a clean no, you create messy, prolonged misalignment. When you know that something's wrong for you, when you know that those genes don't fit, when you know that you've outgrown the relationship, when you know that you need to shrink every time you're around a person or be less than who you are at your job, when you know that you're not being treated in a way that you feel good about yourself, where it's a mutually positive exchange with people, it's time for a change. So, what do we do about this? Like in my situation, it kind of resolved itself, but not before showing me exactly where I wasn't being clear. So it was a big teacher for me. And here's the part that I didn't expect that was so cool. So I just I gotta share this with you. Immediately, it freed up space. I ended up having more time with my husband on the day that we decided not to continue the relationship. I had extra time on Saturday that I normally wouldn't have. We went for a walk, we met some neighbors that we literally have lived here for two years, not met them. And out of the blue, people I never met contacted me. My business is referral-based, and within 72 hours, I had new tutoring and new coaching client who are really comfortable with our arrangement, and I feel so good. I made sure, trust me, to be very, very clear about policies, and never again am I going to be wishy-washy with the boundaries. Like I promise that. I am grateful, and I thought, oh, that is what alignment does. It doesn't just remove things, it creates room for what actually fits. If you're in that space right now, here's a really simple way to check yourself. Ask yourself, where am I feeling tension or resentment? That's your signal. Anytime you feel resentment, right off the bat, you're doing something that's not in alignment with you. Number two, what standard of mine is being compromised? Get really honest here. Get honest. I mean, with me, it was getting paid what I'm worth. It was that I hold a standard high that I value people's time and I need them to respect my time. It was boundary time all the way around. And is this something that I need to repair or release? Sometimes we can repair. When it's a long-term relationship, we can definitely communicate to the person and say, hey, this is what I'm saying to myself in my head about this situation. This is how I'm processing it. This is how I feel. This is what I think. Okay, this is my gut on this. And that's the only thing you can do is lay it out on the table and see what they do with it. Sometimes you just need to release. Sometimes you just need to take your hands off of it, and that's what I did. And I put it in the hands of the universe. Not because everything is meant to stay, not everything is meant to stay. And leadership, whether it's in your home or in your business, is knowing the difference. So there's work from people like Joe Dispenza that talks about how when you change internally, your external world actually reorganizes. And when you look at that scientifically or spiritually, you probably felt it. You shift, and things around you start to shift too. So here's what I want to leave you with. Alignment is going to ask you to choose your truth over immediate comfort sometimes. Sometimes situationally. That's not failure, that's precision. And if this resonates with you, whether in your parenting, in your leadership, or in your business, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my coaching clients. Because knowing when to hold on and knowing when to let go is a skill, it's a practice and it changes everything. Thank you so much for joining me today. If this episode spoke to you, I'd really love to hear from you. You can find me on Instagram or on my Facebook page, just count me in. And if someone came to mind while you were listening, please share this episode with them. Sometimes one conversation can change everything. Thank you for being here, for choosing growth, and for doing the inner work. I look forward to being with you again next time. Remember, we're all in this together. Hit that subscribe button. Just account me in.