#69: Commitment vs. Devotion

In this episode, we explore the difference between commitment and devotion—and why understanding both matters in parenting, leadership, business, relationships, and personal growth.

We discuss:

• Why commitment and devotion feel emotionally different
• The neuroscience of intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation
• Self-Determination Theory and resilience
• Whether devotion can actually be cultivated
• Bruce Lipton, Marisa Peer, David Hawkins, and Wayne Dyer’s perspectives on identity, meaning, and emotional energy
• Parenting children through discomfort without teaching avoidance
• Leadership, business culture, and expectation mismatches
• Why devotion is identity-based while commitment is behavioral
• The balance between flow, responsibility, discipline, and alignment

Key Concepts

• Intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation
• Identity-based behavior
• Neuroplasticity
• Emotional resilience
• Leadership culture
• Parenting and grit
• Alignment vs avoidance
• Sustainable motivation
• Meaning and belonging

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Transcript

Why The Episode Came Late

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey, welcome back to Just Count Me In. I'm Sari Stone and I'm your host. I want to thank you first so much for joining. And if you are enjoying these episodes, if you could please hit the subscribe button and download, that would be a huge help. And share it with somebody who you think could use a little inspiration today. This week's episode took me a while to get out. You notice it's a couple days later than I normally post. It's because I'm really, really devoted to bringing you quality in the podcast. And I felt like I didn't have enough clarity on these topics. Um, so it just took me a while because I'm devoted. Now there's a difference. If I was just committed, I definitely would have put out the podcast on the due date and it would have been good, but not as good as what we're going to get into. So what is the difference between commitment and devotion? They sound similar and they feel completely different in practice. Lately I've noticed this everywhere in business with the leaders I'm coaching, in parenting, with the kids that I'm coaching, in relationships, even in myself, some people show up because they're committed to something for a certain purpose, and other people show up because something inside of them is deeply devoted to it. And I think understanding and respecting that not everybody is going to be devoted to everything you're devoted to, and possibly not everybody's going to have the same level of commitment that you have, and giving you a common language with people you're in partnership with is a really useful tool. Understanding the difference really changes the way that we can lead, it changes the way we parent, it changes the way we show up into our relationships, and even how we understand, like neurologically, discipline and alignment. So we're diving into commitment versus devotion. Not versus, but commitment and devotion. The neuroscience behind it and how it actually has an impact on our leadership and our parenting, and whether devotion is something that we're born with or something that we actually cultivate. There's a feeling difference between commitment and devotion. And commitment feels structured. Devotion feels anchored. Commitment says, I said I would, I promised I would. Devotion says, this matters to who I am, this feels aligned with who I am. And most of us need both. Not because everything in life is going to be devotion. I mean, it might be, but it might not be. Nobody is deeply devoted to answering every email, mowing the lawn, every tedious responsibility that comes with being a grown adult, a responsible adult. But if you are, more power to you. I think we can be present, but we might not be devoted. Sometimes commitment just goes along with maturity. Devotion, on the other hand, is different. Devotion really changes the energy behind our actions. And when something becomes identity-based instead of obligation-based, we actually interact with it differently. So energetically, there's meaning, there's reverence, there's often passion, there's this feeling of loyalty, there's just being in flow with devotion. And commitments are more effort, they're more obligation, they're more responsibility, and sometimes they take more discipline. And there's nothing wrong with them. To me, commitment often can stabilize something that I'm devoted to. And if I am devoted, it can energize a commitment that I've made. I wanted to look and see what was happening in our brains. And there's actually neuroscience behind this, which I love. I love being alive in these times because there is neuroscience to back this up. So researchers, Edward DC and Richard Ryan, developed something called self-determination theory, and they were exploring intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation we know is external, its rewards, its pressure, its consequences, its expectations. So you might have a commitment, let's say, to getting good grades on a rapport card. Intrinsic motivation is internal. And there's meaning, there's identity, there's purpose, there's connection. Maybe you're showing up to learn as much as you can about a certain thing because you're really interested in it or because you're going to do something that relates to it in your life. Maybe you're going to work because you're really vested in the business and you're very devoted to making the workplace a happy place. Or maybe you're just showing up because you need a paycheck and you've made a commitment and you've signed a contract. Commitment often operates through external structure. And devotion to me operates through internal alignment. Your brain responds differently to these two states. When something lines up with my values and my identity, my brain's reward system just becomes more sustainable. That's why people stay devoted to difficult things for years, even when they're hard. Devotion in itself, the act of it, creates more meaning. And then meaning increases your resilience. So interesting. So this is why I think we could have a lot, we could have a whole episode just about marriage on this topic, I think, because there's a lot of both. But I like to think that my husband and I are really devoted to each other. And that devotion is evidenced by certain commitments that we make, but there's like this automatic devotion. There's this, of course, we're gonna do this, or of course I'm gonna do that, because I'm very devoted to you and devoted to us, as opposed to, well, I gotta buck it up, I made a commitment here. I don't actually think that devotion is something you either have or don't have. I think devotion can grow. Neuroscience shows us that the brain strengthens what we repeatedly associate as having meaning, identity, belonging, and emotional significance. So, in other words, what we emotionally rehearse, we almost neurologically reinforce. So I'm gonna say that again because this is kind of deep. The brains gets stronger when we repeatedly associate things with meaning or with our identities or belonging and give it emotional significance. So what we keep emotionally rehearsing and practicing neurologically gets reinforced in our brain. And that means that devotion isn't always necessarily instant. Devotion can be cultivated. So just to give an example, one of my students uh started playing piano, and she was playing piano through just a commitment. She said she wanted lessons, and her parents said, Well, you committed to these lessons, so let's, you know, follow through with your commitment and see how it goes because she kind of wanted to quit after the second week. Devotion can grow through confidence and encouragement and connection, and then mastery and meaning happen because she now loves playing the piano. She's so excited to play the piano, and she filmed some of her concerts for me, and I totally enjoy it. And I I don't know whether her parents were just committed or devoted about her playing piano, but I do know that it started out as a commitment, and she now absolutely loves it. When she's stressed, she's in middle school, she plays the piano. An employee may start a job with just through obligation, but devotion can actually grow when they feel trusted, when they feel valued, when they feel connected, when they feel part of something meaningful, when they feel like they matter, like if they were gone, somebody would miss them. They can actually become devoted to something. Bruce Lipton often talks about how environments shape our internal programming. And I know Marissa Peer mentions about identity and repeated beliefs shape behavior. I also looked to David Hawkins because he explains how emotional states actually influence our energy and our persistence. Pressure can create temporary compliance, but meaning creates sustainable devotion. Commitment can be extracted through pressure, like you know, you're gonna do this or no more phone, or you're gonna do this or no dessert. Or I mean you can just fill in the blank, you do this or no bonus this year. It can be extracted through pressure. I can become very committed to something. Devotion must almost always be grown through connection. Honestly, I think this matters a lot with kids right now because we're trying to find the balance between honoring their feelings and at the same time having them build some resilience. There's this cultural messaging that sometimes says, if it doesn't feel good, leave. If it's hard, maybe it's not aligned. And I definitely tell my kids right off the bat go inside, look inside of yourself and see whether this feels like a good fit for you, whether this feels like the right choice for you. But it doesn't mean that the first time something feels a little off because you're actually growing from an experience that you can it. Some of the best things in life require us to stay just long enough to grow into them. Like a child may not immediately love tutoring, they may not immediately love piano, they may not immediately love their baby brother or sister, okay, or their new stepparent. They may not immediately thrive in a sport or enjoy a geographical move that the family has just made. But if we teach kids to just abandon every commitment the moment discomfort appears, we may unintentionally weaken their capacity for devotion later. Not because they're lazy, but because devotion often develops after repetition, after challenge, after earned confidence. So I'm not saying force your children into doing things that they hate or they seriously don't like or really go against their grain. I'm saying use discernment as a parent. But if they had a spark of something in them, if it if they had a desire that they wanted to do, be or have something, and then when it got hard, they decided they didn't, I would say because they're only children, give it a little bit of time. We have to ask ourselves, are we teaching emotional awareness, which I'm all about? Are we accidentally teaching emotional avoidance? This shows up massively in businesses with the leaders that I'm coaching because they are often operating from devotion. Actually, I can't, yeah, actually, right now the people that I'm coaching do have their own businesses. And their employees are often operating from commitment, and neither one of them is wrong. But problems happen when we expect one from a person where it's not, and they happen when we confuse the two. A founder may feel really, really deeply devoted to the mission, the vision, the impact, the growth. That's why when we do team building, we try to get everybody on board, we try to get everybody involved. You know, what's your vision for the company? What's your vision for the school? But employees may simply be just committed to doing their role well and doing a good job, which there is nothing wrong with. Sometimes leaders, like unconsciously, I think, expect devotion from people who honestly just want to be hired for their commitment. And that is when burnout and resentment and culture fractures can happen. Because sometimes devotion in action takes more, and it's almost easier to give more. It's an automatic response to just give more. Think about a mother who's up all night with a sick child or a father who's up all night with a sick child. They're just doing it. I mean, they're doing it out of love. At the same time, businesses that cultivate genuine meaning and ownership and purpose and belonging also create teams that become more devoted over time. And I've seen it, but they don't create it through force, they don't create it through marketing, they don't create it through guilt, and they don't create it through connection. Strong leaders don't just extract and pull performance out of people, they actually cultivate meaning so that people want to show up and do what they do mindfully. Wayne Dyer often spoke about living in alignment with purpose rather than force. And I think devotion lives very much closer to alignment than obligation does. But alignment doesn't mean that we avoid things when they're difficult. Sometimes alignment actually asks more of us. Sometimes devotion means staying through the uncomfortable middle long enough for the transformation to happen. I think that's an important distinction, especially in our world. Not everything difficult is misaligned. It was difficult for me to figure out a logical sequence, a logical outline for this podcast, to be very honest with you. And I do this myself, so it was hard. And I'm very devoted to it. Not everything that becomes difficult is misaligned. Sometimes the breakthrough comes after repetition and after the awkward phase, after the discipline. In this case, it was after the research and a lot of soul searching and taking a break from it this weekend. Sometimes meaning arrives after commitment. So maybe the goal isn't commitment or devotion. Maybe wisdom is knowing which is required. Some things in life need some structure, and to me, everything needs some soul. Maybe the healthiest lives, businesses, relationships, and families are built when we understand the blend of these two. Not everything that's difficult is wrong by any means, and not everything that feels good means you're devoted. Sometimes devotion is built slowly, and that's what I discovered just through actually repeatedly honoring your commitments. I wanted to include some journal prompts today. And just personally thinking, what am I truly devoted to right now? And what am I committed to? Where in my life have I mistaken discomfort for misalignment? And this was a big one for me. What have I quit to early that may have needed a little bit more time? And if you're a parent, am I teaching resilience or avoidance? Where and how do I help my children push through that discomfort in healthy ways? And where might I be overpressuring instead of trying to help them cultivate meaning? As a leader, am I expecting devotion from people who were only asked for commitment? And does my business culture create connection? Does it create meaning? Are we taking care of ownership here? Do we honor that? Do people actually feel emotionally connected to the mission, or are they feeling responsible for their tasks and that's where it stops? What repeated thoughts and environments am I reinforcing neurologically? And what identity am I practicing every day? What would devotion look like if it were grown really slowly instead of forced immediately? Well, that was a lot, and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Once again, I want to thank you for joining me. I know there's a million other things that you could be doing. Please hit that like button and subscribe, download, and share this episode with anybody who might be trying to discern this for themselves. Until the next time, I look forward to seeing you. I'm very devoted to making this a podcast that you enjoy every week. Just count me in