When Depression is in your bed

Navigating the Hard Choice: Clearing the Path to the Next Step in Your Relationship Decision

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Have you been thinking about ending your relationship but something keeps holding you back? You're not alone. This raw and thoughtful exploration unpacks the invisible barriers that keep us stuck in relationships we're contemplating leaving.

Drawing from 20 years of personal experience in a relationship complicated by depression, I walk through the first of my seven-question framework designed to clarify relationship decisions. By examining the real obstacles that prevent us from moving forward, we can transform seemingly impenetrable walls into challenges we can address with compassion and strategy.

Financial fears often loom largest when contemplating separation. When I faced this barrier, creating detailed budgets helped me see that while changes would be necessary, survival was possible. For parents, concern about impact on children creates profound hesitation. The truth? Both staying in an unhappy relationship and ending it will affect your children - what matters most is how you support them through either decision.

Many of us also struggle with letting go of the "fairy tale future" we envisioned, feeling trapped by time already invested, or fearing dating again or permanent solitude. Perhaps most heartbreaking is the fear that ending a relationship might trigger a partner's mental health crisis or self-harm - an impossible position that requires tremendous self-compassion.

Whatever obstacles stand between you and relationship clarity, identifying them is your first step toward making an authentic decision aligned with your values, whether that means staying or leaving. Join me in this vulnerable conversation about finding your way forward when depression complicates your relationship choices.

Take a step today - whether toward action, rest, connection or self-care. Getting to a more joyful, connected place is possible for everyone, even when depression is in your bed.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to when Depression is in your Bed podcast. Have you been really considering ending your relationship, but it feels like there's some obstacle preventing you from actually making the big decision. If so, join me for today's episode, in which I talk about some common obstacles and different ways that you can move towards being able to work around them instead of being stopped by them. I'm your host, trish Sanders, and I can't wait to share more with you today. Let's get started. Today, I'm going to continue the conversation that I've been having through the last few episodes about things that may help you make a decision about the future of your relationship, if that's something that you're struggling with. In the first episode that I did on this topic, I talked about the seven question framework that I developed that has, in fact, helped me make a conscious decision about staying in my relationship, and then the last episode just felt like the next part of the conversation for me. It was a conversation about different types of hope and other factors that may be relevant for people who have a tendency to think about breaking up or divorce frequently, such as myself. I have thought about breaking up and separating and divorce many times over my last 20 years with my partner and through that experience I've really come to a much deeper understanding about why I have thought about divorcing and separating so many times and, in truth, most of the the time it wasn't actually because I wanted to leave my partner at all, but there were a lot of other factors and I discussed that in the last episode. Today I wanted to talk through those seven questions and my own personal thought process, using this self-exploration and, to be honest, this may end up being a two-parter, because I don't quite know how long it'll take for me to explore these questions but I want to be as honest and open and vulnerable with you as I can be, because these may be some things that you're wondering about and perhaps how I've thought through some of these things may be similar to your own thought process and in other ways maybe they'll be very different from your own thought process. But either way, I hope that me sharing my experience will help you shed some light in some helpful way on your own experience and in your own decision process, if this is something that you are trying to figure out.

Speaker 1:

So the first question that I listed was what are the real or perceived obstacles that come to mind when you think about leaving the relationship, and then how can you address them? And the purpose of this is really to think about the scary things that may feel like they're in your way if you actually decided, hey, I want to end this relationship, but I can't because dot, dot, dot. And it's those becauses those reasons that I recommend starting there, because you can start to deconstruct them and make a plan for how to address them. So if they are in fact obstacles, they're obstacles that you can find a workaround, instead of being obstacles that actually stop you in your tracks and prevent you from making a decision that perhaps you really want to make.

Speaker 1:

I think one of the big things that comes up as an answer to this question certainly was high on my list were financial concerns or considerations, and for me, even though I myself have always had a job while I was in this relationship, there would have been a considerable financial impact and I would not have been able to continue living in the same way that I had, and that would have meant that I couldn't have continued living in a house, certainly not owning a house. My child care costs would have changed. I very well could have had to take on new clients or change my hours or even consider going into an agency job or school social work or something that maybe would have given me hours that could have been a little bit more helpful for me if I was going to be a single mom right. Working with clients until nine o'clock or ten o'clock at night wasn't always going to work out so well. So when I thought about all those financial things and how the quality of my life, the things I was used to, the things that my kids were used to, you know what activities that I could afford to put them in, thinking about how all of that would change was really scary for me. So I used to make budgets to really see what could I actually afford and the gap between you know where I wanted to be and where I was.

Speaker 1:

I tried to plan about how I could close that gap right, like how could I increase my income, how could I decrease my expenses. I realized that, at least in the short term, many things also would have to change. Like for me, I probably would have ended up moving in with my mom, at least temporarily, while I got back on my feet and sorted everything, and so for me being able to look, even though things were tight and I would have had to make changes that maybe I didn't necessarily want to make, like I wouldn't necessarily want to take my kids out of certain activities or move their school district or things like that. But it helped me to really see in these black and white numbers that it was possible. And even if in the short term I had to make changes, in the longer term I could get myself back on my feet, figure out a way to work with those finances. And I had conversations with my mom about hey, can I live here right? About how she and her husband felt about the possibility of me and my son moving in, and so it was helpful for me because, even though I wouldn't say my financial plan was ideal and what I absolutely wanted, it really gave me a lot of ease to know that it was possible. And, as I said, I've always had a job, so I already had an income stream, and not everybody is in that position, and so there can be some great financial barriers, but there's also things that can be figured out in time and there's long and short term plans, and that's the point of this exercise is to really think about that.

Speaker 1:

So I mentioned some things about how my financial constraints would have potentially impacted my kids, and the actual effect on my children was also a really big concern for me. Like maybe I would choose to get separated, but I really can't because I don't want to have a negative impact on my children. This is also a pretty common concern. Now, the truth is that whether you stay in a relationship in which you and your partner are unhappy, or if you choose to end a relationship in which you and your partner are unhappy, either choice will have an impact on your child or children, and some of the impact will be positive, some of the impact will be neutral and some of the impact will be negative, and so I really had to talk myself through that that I didn't have a crystal ball. I had no way of knowing which decision would have less negative impact on my children, and so what I really focused on was being able to support them in whatever current decision I was making, and when my husband and I were separated, I had to support my son through that process. He was just about three years old at that time and in all the rest of the time that we've been together but it's tension or difficulty or whatever has been happening.

Speaker 1:

I tried to just support my son, and again now my daughter as well, in helping them have an age appropriate understanding of what's going on. So I would talk to them about their feelings, I would ask them questions, and this is really important because, just like adults, if children don't know what's going on, they will make up a story about what's happening and the story can be scarier or even more disempowering than the reality. And so being able to share with kids again age appropriate about your relationship with your partner, whether it's their biological parent or not, is really important and the lines can be hard sometimes to figure out. But if you have a partner or if you yourself are dealing with depression, there's really important and healthy ways to talk about what that means to a kid and sometimes for myself. If I was feeling on edge and I knew I was really irritable and if my mental health was in sort of a tough place, I would be forthcoming with my kids and I tell them hey, you know, mommy has on her cranky pants today and it has nothing to do with you.

Speaker 1:

I'm a little bit on edge. I might sound frustrated, but I'm not really frustrated at you and I just want you to know that and I'm taking care of myself, I'm doing what I need to do to take care of me and I will feel better soon. But I just want you to know, because they need to understand, or because you're mad at them that you're just kind of having a bad day. And many years ago, when Ben would not partake in family activities or he would spend the day in bed, I would tell my son you know, oh, daddy's just having a tough time, he's taking care of himself. We can send him love and he's working on doing what he needs to do to feel better.

Speaker 1:

Because it's very important to me to send the message that it's not my children's responsibility to take care of me or my husband. But yet I want to acknowledge that something's going on because they notice and so being able to have those conversations again in an age appropriate way and sometimes getting some support from a child therapist or something like that, can be very, very helpful. And I also help support them in expressing their own feelings. Like, if I say something from a place of frustration and it lands as an ouch for one of my kids, I address that and I say I want you to be able to tell me if something lands as a hurt for you. And so all of these become conversations and so I share it in this way because, again, we don't know what the future holds and for some people it feels very important to them to keep a family intact quote unquote for the kids. And if that's the decision you're making and it feels like that's a fit for you, then you're entitled to make that decision.

Speaker 1:

But maybe you're living in a stressful environment, whether it's argumentative or disconnected, stressful if one parent is in bed or if the way that their depression shows up is that they're just like checked out and at work constantly. You know those sorts of things do need to be addressed with children, and being able to give a child enough information so that they can be validated in their experience Like hey, it makes sense that this is hard for you is really quite important, and I would say that that was the focus that I came back to time and time again. I have to support my child in the decision that I'm making because you know it's a little unfair, but the truth is that parents' decisions do, in fact, have a pretty direct impact on kids and it can feel really powerless to not be involved in the decision-making process, but it's not really appropriate for kids to be making decisions about the future of your relationship Again, whether your partner is their biological parent or not. So I think that realizing what you can do to support your kids is more helpful than worrying about what decision will have more or less negative impact on your kids, because the truth is, most situations you probably won't know and there might be things that you think will have a terrible impact on your kid, that if you ended up getting divorced actually wouldn't have such a negative impact at all, and then there might be things that you thought that they would be totally fine with that end up being really troublesome and having a negative impact. So supporting your child and getting your child support externally again with a child therapist or something like that is really helpful.

Speaker 1:

Also, with the idea of children, but in a very different way, many years ago, before we actually had gotten separated, I really had the idea wow, things are really tough and I don't know what's going to happen with the future of our relationship, but I really want to have a second kid. We only had our son at that time and it feels a little embarrassing and there's even a bit of shame, I think, although I've really processed through this a lot on my own and with my husband. But I really had an idea. It was sort of like this fairy tale, right like I meet my husband and we fell in love and we both wanted two kids and we had our son after we got married and then I wanted to have a second child and I felt like if we got divorced it would really pop my fantasy bubble.

Speaker 1:

There was a lot of grief for me in the thought of losing this future family that I had envisioned having, and so we did try to get pregnant before we got separated and ended up getting separated after a year of trying. But it ended up being a really wonderful thing for me because it gave me this experience of, hey, I might have to face this grief that maybe the future that I envision for myself and for my family might not look the same the way that I had thought. And I also had to really ask myself do I want to stay in this relationship because I want to hold on to this vision that I have for this future that I wanted to create, or am I staying in this relationship because I actually want to be with my husband? That was a really hard thing for me, but I really did a lot of very deep work at that time and I did realize that I truly wanted to be with my husband and I actively worked through our separation to start us going to couples therapy, which took a few months, but my husband did eventually agree.

Speaker 1:

I also worked really hard to get us to go to getting the Love you Want couples workshop, which I was aware of existed before we got separated, but for some reason I just didn't think to go, or it didn't seem like the urgency around going, or the financial investment or getting childcare for the whole weekend or whatever didn't seem accessible. Until it was like you're in dire straits and we either did something about our relationship or we were going to get divorced because we were already separated. And so when we got back together, my husband understandably was concerned because he knew how much I wanted a second child and he had every right to ask and did ask are we only getting back together so we can have a second kid? And again, at that point my answer was absolutely. I understand your concern here and I'm with you because I want to be with you, and it took a while to do enough repair for us to be able to try again, and we did, and eventually we did have our daughter.

Speaker 1:

Our kids are seven and a half years apart, actually because of all of this relationship turmoil, but me holding on to this dream before we got separated definitely was an obstacle for a long time, until the relationship was so painful and then it was like all right, well, listen, I have to give up this dream because I can't stay in a relationship that feels like this. And for us, the separation gave us the space that we needed, the breathing room that we needed to be able to figure things out and move forward in a different way, and I am forever grateful for us that we had that experience. Of course, separating doesn't guarantee that experience for everyone by any means, but for this piece, my point really is is that getting separated gave me the mirror that I needed to say, hey, look at this, you might have to give up your dream. And if you have to give up your dream, you'll dream up another dream. You know, like whatever that was, whether I would get married, whether I would have a relationship with someone else, or have a kid in the future with somebody else, or if I would have chosen to have a child on my own, which was something that I also considered back then. But it was really important for me to grieve a little bit and say, okay, maybe I have to let this go. And now let me make a clear decision about my relationship, not one that's clouded by this pull to have this life that I thought that I wanted to have.

Speaker 1:

Another common obstacle for people considering if they want to leave a relationship or not is the idea of how much time they've already invested in the relationship. So it's kind of like well, things aren't great, the relationship's been hard for a while, but we've been together for so long Like, is it really worth it? And for me, I absolutely felt that way, and even pretty early on. I think back as a matter of fact. I clearly remember the very first time that I really was considering breaking up, a few months before our one year dating anniversary, and I know this very clearly because we had a trip planned to Montreal for our anniversary and I had a lot of internal conversations about, by the time we get back from Montreal, if we haven't sorted out some of these things, I think I'm going to break up with him. We went to Montreal. Some of the vacation was amazing, some of it was extremely challenging and I came back and I was like gosh, I've already spent a year with this guy. You know, some of it's good, a lot of it's hard. Oh, do I really want to throw in the towel after a year, which, of course, is kind of hilarious to me now I'm not discrediting anyone who may also feel that way after being together a year, but now that we've been together for 20 years, I'm like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

But I think that there were a lot of factors at that time, so many factors that I won't name now, but I've touched on already in the podcast and other episodes and we'll absolutely talk about more in future episodes. But there were certainly a lot of things that kept me in the relationship after that, including the fact that I really do see my husband to be a wonderful partner for me in so many ways. Even if we weren't experiencing that really connected wonderful relationship a lot of the time, I knew it was there and I've mentioned before that can be challenging if you have this little tiny, itsy bitsy. Part of a relationship that feels nice and a lot of it is absolutely awful. Certainly if there's abuse, if there's domestic violence, this changes the conversation. So I just want to be very clear that was not my situation. So for other types of relationships where conflicts get physical or violent, someone might really need to make a very different decision for themselves, not just like oh well, sometimes we're so connected and so in love, but again, more on that another time. I just wanted to point that out.

Speaker 1:

But certainly, as time went on, and definitely after we got married, I kind of did this like cost benefit analysis, like what's the cost of leaving, what's the benefit of leaving, what's the cost of staying and what's the benefit of staying after this amount of time and how much time did I put in and what was I going to lose. And it was this whole like thing that I went through several times, I would say, over the course of our relationship. And I do completely understand that feeling of I've wasted time. If I end a relationship, I've wasted all this effort and I think any time in relationship is an opportunity for growth and so, even if things don't work out the way you had hoped, you're still taking a lot of learning from that relationship and if you can think about your relationship in that way, when you're in the middle of a lot of pain and hurt, it might not be accessible to you in that moment, but eventually in time it's really a grief process. When you lose somebody and in this case, when you lose a relationship, you can move into a place where you come to understand the lessons that you took and how you grew and maybe clarity on things that you didn't want, the things that weren't okay for you in relationship, and you take that into a new relationship or into your future and you have a more clear understanding of what you do want and you have more ability to create that. Even though it can certainly feel like wasted time and it certainly can be a grief experience time is not wasted. When you choose to end a relationship. It's sort of the death of one part of your life. It's also the birth of the next part of your life and my perspective would be if you're putting time into yourself, then that's time well spent, whatever decision you make.

Speaker 1:

Another common fear I don't know if I want to be in the dating world again or even the fear of I'm scared to be alone or I might be alone forever. This is better than that. There's likely some unconscious stuff mixed up in there, which is the next question that I'll go into. But I think people have to really get into a regulated a place as they can, which is very hard when they're asking some of these potentially life-changing questions, but coming to a place of saying like, well, do I really want and does it make sense to stay in this relationship? Because I really don't want to be dating or because I'm scared to be alone forever? Is this relationship better? Do I get more from staying in this relationship? Does it make more sense for me to stay in this relationship to avoid all that fear?

Speaker 1:

And the truth is that each person truly needs to make that decision for themselves. And if you choose like, hey, you know what I want, to stay in this relationship because all that stuff is too scary, if that feels like an authentically aligned decision for you, then that's the decision for you. And if you're like, hey, you know what I really need to end this relationship even though it's scary, then that's your aligned, authentic decision. This isn't about right or wrong. It's really about what truly makes sense to you and the last piece that I will address, which can be present in any relationship, but I think, especially if your partner has struggled with depression, this is a very common thing that can keep people in relationship and certainly has been on my mind in the past which is, sometimes people can really have a fear that if they end a relationship, that their partner might harm themselves in some way, including even killing themselves, and they're not only afraid that that will happen, but if something horrific like that does in fact happen, they don't want to live with the guilt, and this is an absolute, horrible position to be in.

Speaker 1:

It's the choice between do I stay in a relationship and continue to sacrifice my needs, potentially in a way to hopefully keep my partner alive, or do I end a relationship and potentially live with this guilt feeling if my then ex-partner decides to die by suicide or make a suicide attempt or self-harm in some way, and this is just an impossible decision, and this may sound harsh and I apologize in advance if it does, but the truth is is that nobody is responsible for anybody else's life. No adult is responsible for any other adult's life, and I'm not saying that if you were in this situation and you chose to leave the relationship and your ex partner did self-harm or did attempt suicide or did die by suicide, that it wouldn't have a deep emotional impact on you. Of course, that's an unimaginable situation. I have not been in that situation where I have ended a relationship and my partner has attempted suicide or died by suicide. I have been in relationships where I left and my partner has threatened suicide, not with my husband, but I did have relationships in my teenage life where that happened and it was horrible and, having had that experience, I can say what my perspective was. Then I actually told my ex I really really hope that you don't do something so horrible and drastic and I hope that you get the support that you need to be able to get through this and be okay. I can't come back into a relationship that feels so bad to keep you alive. I can't do that and at that time if my ex had taken action which he did not I don't know what would have happened. But I share this to say that it's a horrible decision, but taking care of yourself is the thing you have the most power over, and sacrificing yourself for somebody else will not create the environment where you can really improve your relationship because you're sacrificing yourself to try to meet someone else's needs, and it probably doesn't even quite work that way anyhow. So this is a very, very hard position to be in, but I think it's important to recognize it and certainly this is something that if you need to get support, then I absolutely recommend that you do so.

Speaker 1:

So I talked a lot about question one today. I think questions two through seven I can cover in the next episode altogether, but I think that there's a lot of obstacles that felt like they were in the way for me over many years and I think that a lot of people sort of stop even trying to make the decision whether they should end a relationship or not because of these factors. So I wanted to cover the things that really have been on my mind over the years. I hope that this was helpful for you. I will cover more questions hopefully all six remaining questions in the next episode.

Speaker 1:

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize, taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action, or towards rest or connection or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.