When Depression is in your bed

Familiar Love vs. Conscious Love: How the Unconscious Can Guide Our Relationship Choices

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 11

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Why do we stay in relationships that don't fulfill us? What invisible forces bind us to partners even when our conscious mind desires change? The answer lies beneath the surface of awareness, in the powerful realm of unconscious attachment patterns formed decades ago.

This deep-dive exploration uncovers the second question in my seven-question framework for making conscious relationship decisions: understanding the unconscious factors keeping you tethered to your current partnership. Drawing from Imago Relationship Theory, I explain how our earliest experiences with caregivers create an internal "image" of what love should look and feel like—and how this unconscious template drives our adult relationship choices with remarkable precision.

When we're drawn to someone, it's rarely about conscious compatibility. Rather, we're responding to a familiar energetic signature that matches our childhood experiences. The painful truth? Sometimes what feels like "home" isn't healthy or what we consciously desire at all. I share my personal journey with unconscious beliefs about being undeserving of happiness and how these convictions, deeply rooted in my unconscious, contributed to me accepting relationship dynamics that often didn't serve my wellbeing.

Depression adds another complex layer to this dynamic. When our nervous system shifts into a dorsal state of collapse and withdrawal, we develop what I call "depression goggles"—a distorted lens that reinforces negative interpretations about ourselves and our relationships. This can make recognizing unhealthy patterns even more challenging since our negatively charged perspective can feel aligned with a relationship that feels emotionally painful, difficult or unsatisfying.

An unconscious belief, which can be particularly paralyzing, is that leaving a struggling partner makes you selfish or a "bad" person. I invite listeners to question these moral judgments: Where did you learn that your needs matter less than others'? Where did you internalize the idea that self-sacrifice equals love?

Understanding these unconscious factors doesn't necessarily mean ending your relationship—it means gaining clarity about what's really driving your choices. This awareness journey requires gentleness and often professional support, as our minds buried these patterns for a reason. Take just one step today toward greater consciousness, knowing that a more authentic relationship with yourself and others is possible, even when depression shares your bed.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your Bed podcast. Are you interested in learning more about the unconscious factors that may be keeping you in your relationship? Would you like to experience how shedding light on these often hidden thoughts and feelings can actually help you begin to make a truly conscious decision about whether or not you want to stay in your current relationship? I'm your host, trish Sanders. Taking a journey into your unconscious can sometimes be a bumpy ride, but if you're ready to begin some self-exploration and you'd like to join me, let's get started. Today's episode is a continuation from last week's episode, in which I started to talk through the seven question framework that I developed in order to help people make a conscious decision about staying in their relationship, and the seven questions came directly from my own experience and how I process through that for myself in my own relationship. In the last episode, I talked through my own thought process about question one of the seven, which was what are the real or perceived obstacles that come to mind when thinking about leaving a relationship and ways to work through those obstacles. I shared the thoughts that I have had over the years and how I have worked through those questions myself when considering the possibility of breaking up with my partner. And today I'm going to move on to question two and I have a feeling that I will probably again only be able to cover one question and then maybe in the next episode I'll be able to talk through my thought process on perhaps the remaining five questions. But today is a big one and I want to go into not just my thought process but a little bit more about what the question really is referring to. So the second question is what are the unconscious factors at play that may be keeping you in your relationship? And, similar to question one, how can you get support on those so that they aren't driving your decision and you can make a clear, conscious decision about what you really want for your relationship, rather than perhaps staying in a relationship either because of these unconscious factors being at play or, in the case of question one, because there's things that feel like they're these insurmountable obstacles in your way? So first I just want to talk a little bit more about what I mean when I'm talking about unconscious factors.

Speaker 1:

So I'm an Imago relationship therapist and the Imago theory about relationships is very largely based on the unconscious factors that influence our choice of romantic partner, and so I'm going to touch on some of those key concepts now, and I will definitely talk a lot more about this in future episodes as well. But essentially, the word imago actually is the Latin word for image, and what it refers to is that we all carry with us a picture, an image, of what familiar love looks like to us, and so that definition of familiar love is created through our early childhood experiences with our early caregivers. That could be mom and dad, but there are many people and experiences that can also impact that, and so our unconscious definition of familiar love is created by what we observe in the relationships around us. So if you think about the relationship that your parents had with each other, or the relationships that we had with each of our early caregivers and the way that we experienced, all of that becomes our imago and becomes a driving force in what we actually are attracted to in romantic partnership, whether or not we're aware of it. So the example I usually use to sort of explain this is the idea that if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, when you become an adult, if you were to walk into a room filled with 100 people and 99 of those people had no trouble with alcohol themselves. None of them were alcoholics, none of them had parents or family members who are alcoholics. But there was one person in that room who either themself was an active or recovering alcoholic or was an adult child of an alcoholic themselves, somehow unconsciously, if you mingled through that room, you would find yourself likely attracted to and moving towards that one person who has this similar picture of what familiar love looks like. This maybe in some ways is oversimplified, but I think it really demonstrates the point.

Speaker 1:

In my own life and in my own professional work, I have seen this dynamic play out time and time again, and so the reason why we do this is not because we want to just keep being miserable and stuck in our painful childhood experiences, but actually because we are seeking to recreate our childhood experience so that in adulthood, in an equal partnership, which is different from a parent-child partnership, there's a power differential between a parent and a child, whether we want there to be or not, but in partnership as an adult, we can come to these emotional hardships and conflicts and actually have a chance to sort of almost have a redo and heal and grow. So that's the Imago theory in a very tiny nutshell and again I will cover it more, but just for today's purposes to really understand that we have a strong picture of what relationships are supposed to look like and feel like, and that really drives us into our current day partnerships, you like, and that really drives us into our current day partnerships. And another thing about the unconscious is that the reason things go into our unconscious is because they were painful. So when we're small children and we have these big painful feelings, these big overwhelmed feelings, these scary feelings, even confusion, not understanding the unknown, those can be very overwhelming and frightening for a child and if we don't have the support, if we don't have someone to sit and help us contain all these big feelings in our little bodies, these feelings can just really become too much for us. So because they're painful, our mind has this protective ability to put everything in this little box and try to lock it up and throw it in the very back corner of our mind and the hope is that if we can't remember it or we're not aware of it, it won't bother us anymore, it can't hurt us anymore. Unfortunately, that's not exactly what really happens and what actually happens is we lose awareness of certain things, but they actually are still driving us and motivating us and really steering the ship on a lot of the decisions we make, especially in romantic partnership, but also across many areas of our life.

Speaker 1:

So essentially, today, in your current relationship, you might be in a position where your conscious mind is saying, oh, this relationship isn't really what I want, it's not meeting my needs. We're fighting, I'm unhappy, but yet there's still something that gets in your way and you don't actually move towards ending the relationship. And so your conscious mind says one thing, but your unconscious mind is really making the decision for you to stay in the relationship because something about it feels familiar. So your conscious mind says I'm not happy, but your unconscious mind says this feels familiar, so it feels like home and I want to stay here. When we first meet somebody, we are driven by that unconscious and we move towards them because we feel this familiarity with them and we feel connected to whatever that familiar unconscious thing is in each of us, our own imago that we're carrying. We're like, oh, I know what this is, I know what this feels like, this feels familiar, I like it, let me move towards it.

Speaker 1:

But then we end up having a relationship with this person and all of this unconscious stuff comes out, all of this old conflict comes out that we're familiar with and we go oh, this doesn't actually feel so very good. I don't really like this. So there's some confusion about what is familiar and may initially attract us to relationship and what actually is that satisfying, meaningful connection, that good feeling, safe connection that we really are longing for. So this is a big part of the Imago theory and it definitely does not mean that we have to end our relationship. If this dynamic is present it is very often present what it really means is that it shines a light on where the relational work actually needs to happen. So that's what we work with in Imago therapy. More on Imago in future episodes.

Speaker 1:

So I myself have been in therapy on and off since I was about 10 years old, so a lot of this has become more conscious for me over the years, and also as an Imago relationship therapist through my training experience, which I've had hundreds of hours of. It's all experiential and so using the Imago process and the theory to actually look at your own relational experiences. So I've deeply explored my own unconscious and even still our brain is trying to protect us, so it's hard to get to unconscious stuff. So I myself have really done a lot of work on becoming much more familiar with my unconscious and I will continue to do that work. And so, even though I feel pretty well acquainted at this point, realistically I may discover new things as I continue to become a more and more conscious person. But I do want to say that if you are at a place starting out on your journey of exploring your unconscious, please keep in mind that it can be a tough thing to explore because our mind was protecting us from those really painful feelings and so it's not necessarily easy to access our unconscious thoughts and feelings and experiences, and you may need the support of a therapist or something like that.

Speaker 1:

And I also want to say, as I move into talking about my own unconscious thoughts, which I have gained awareness of and so I have brought them into my conscious awareness, I tend to talk about some of these very heavy things rather lightly because, even though they're negative and quite painful, I've talked about them a lot over my life and they have definitely shifted from being core messages that I absolutely believe to becoming something that I know is inaccurate. And I say that because I have gotten feedback over the years like whoa, like you're talking about some heavy stuff, like I talk about hating yourself or feeling unlovable because I've talked about these things quite a bit over my lifetime they just don't have the same pull on me. They don't have the same pull on me. They don't have the same control over me. I don't feel as aligned with them as I used to and I've developed much more conscious, accurate, aligned beliefs about myself and the world and the relationship and what I deserve and who I am. So just to say, as you're starting to explore this for yourself, they may feel really heavy and painful and it may not feel so easy to talk about them. That is definitely generally the experience for people. So I don't want to give up the wrong impression that it's so super easy to talk about these deep, dark, painful things that your mind has been protecting you from for probably very many years. It's a tough process and I definitely recommend that you get some support as you're going through it.

Speaker 1:

So, for myself, I have, for really as long as I can remember, carried a core belief that I am undeserving of happiness, and underneath that core belief it's connected to more beliefs that I am undeserving of happiness because I am not good enough and I am defective and there is something essentially wrong with me that I'm not lovable enough. And so those have been really guiding factors in all of my relationships. And in truth, the relationships I had before I met my now husband, ben, were not very good relationships at all, because I was not attracted to people who had really good communication skills or relational tools or healthy coping mechanisms, because that was not what my imago was, that was not what was familiar to me. And so the people that I dated before Ben, they were lovely people. There was a reason why I like them, or there were reasons that were positive about why I was drawn to them.

Speaker 1:

But once I was in the relationships for a relatively short period of time, the relationships were really really quite, quite difficult, and so when I met ben, we had this quite immediate, safe, deep, loving connection that felt absolutely wonderful, and so, even though that did in fact fall apart when the power struggle hit, we were able to come back there, even though it was usually for relatively brief periods of time. But I really felt like, hey, maybe this is the best I'm going to get right. Like my past relationships were not fantastic by any stretch. So maybe this is the relationship that I deserve. Maybe I'm not worthy of more than this. And the thing about unconscious thoughts is, even when they were conscious, so even when I was aware of them like oh, I'm aware that I'm thinking that maybe I am not worthy of a relationship that feels better than this they were still so deeply rooted at that point for me that they were still guiding my decisions, even if I could rationally look at that thought and say that's probably not true. You know, I believe that all people are worthy, like I actually believe that every single person on this planet is inherently worthy, and so it didn't really make sense that my thought process was well, every single person on the planet is worthy and deserving of love, except for me. Rationally, I understood that that didn't make sense, but yet these thoughts were deeply connected for me and they were very real.

Speaker 1:

The other piece that I have really expanded my awareness of by developing a deeper understanding of the nervous system, is that another way my nervous system and brain protected me, in addition to sending things into my unconscious mind, was by having my nervous system go into that dorsal state, which is that collapsed, withdrawn depressed state. So when feelings got overwhelming, my nervous system would go into that dorsal state. I would be in a state of depression. And when you're in a state of depression, what I've referred to in earlier episodes about depression goggles the interpretations that we make about the world, our relationships, ourselves, are connected to the state of your nervous system. So when I'm depressed, when my nervous system is in dorsal, when I'm wearing depression goggles, I see the world and myself and my relationships in really negative terms. So I of course would see myself as unworthy and unlovable and undeserving and hopeless in relationship, and relationships themselves were painful and probably never going to be very satisfying. I definitely didn't feel any optimism about going into the larger world to find something better, right, I just didn't even think that existed. And so all of this really worked together for me.

Speaker 1:

And again I had a pretty high level of awareness a lot of the time about what was happening for me. And still it was driving me and it took me a long time to really work through it. And for me making a conscious decision was sometimes like okay, well, I know that intellectually this isn't true. So I would ask myself questions like well, is this a relationship I'd want my sister to stay in. This was actually a strategy that I used ever since I was a teenager, when I was in therapy. My therapist back then suggested it for me because I would make different decisions if I thought about myself doing something or my sister doing something like, oh for me it's fine, this is a good decision, but oh, my sister, no, I would never want her to go through that. And so it changed my perspective. Eventually I could think about, oh, what if my son was in a relationship like this, or my daughter, and that really would shift how I thought about things. And so I tried to just really be as conscious as I could about what was driving me, perhaps to stay in a relationship. That was painful and for me. I kind of worked through that time and time again and was like okay, even with all of this, I still want to be in this relationship, it still makes sense, we're still doing the work together, and so that's kind of where I came to a lot of the time.

Speaker 1:

Other thoughts that came up as I continued to expand my awareness really had to do with the idea of, if I ended my relationship, that I would feel like I was a failure. I had these beliefs that like I'm not good at relationships or I can't have good relationships which, of course, is very connected to all of the other unconscious thoughts that I talked about earlier, and I would work through those and I tried to make some shifts around those thoughts to healthier thoughts and even more than healthier, I think, more accurate thoughts like, instead of thinking that I don't deserve something or I'm a failure or I'm not good at relationships, moving towards something like I actually believe that everyone is deserving of happiness and relationships are hard and sometimes relationships do end and that does not mean that I myself am a failure or defective, which is something that I think a lot of people can struggle with, and it can be really hard to pull that all apart and look at those things. And again, I am not actively trying to decide if I want to leave my relationship. I have not actively been trying to decide that for years, but for I don't know the first 17 years of my relationship, I have not actively been trying to decide that for years, but for I don't know the first 17 years of my relationship, I have actually considered breaking up and divorce many times and I always paid a lot of attention to these unconscious factors because, like I said, I've been in therapy, I've been in trainings as a relationship therapist for so long that these are the kinds of things that I spend a lot of time thinking about.

Speaker 1:

And I think the last piece that I became very, very conscious of that was very difficult and I definitely had to work through and get support on, was the thought of not only just am I a failure for ending a relationship, but am I a bad person for ending the relationship or leaving the relationship, and that I think anybody maybe could have that thought, depending on their relationship. But especially when you're in a relationship with somebody who's living with depression, I think that that thought can come up fairly easily because it's like, well, if I know my partner's depressed, it's not their fault, right, they're not depressed on purpose, they don't want to be depressed. So if I leave the relationship, am I being selfish? Am I being unsupportive? Am I a bad person? And Much like I've touched on in the last few episodes, it can sound harsh, but we only get one life right. We have to live that one life that we get with some awareness of our own needs, with some prioritization of our own needs, with some level of putting ourself first some of the time, you know, I mean, I think that in relationship you do have to make a decision, especially as a parent. You have to make a decision like well, what are the needs of everyone in this situation and whose needs matter the most right now? And if every single time you ask yourself that question you're like, oh, my needs matter the most always, then maybe there's something to think about more there.

Speaker 1:

But when you're in a relationship with someone who's depressed if they're not doing their work which, believe me, I know can be very hard, because not only have I watched my husband try for the last 20 years to do his work and seen his struggle with it, but I myself, I told you, I've been in therapy since I was 10 years old. I've had a whole lifetime of trying to do my work and although I absolutely have made changes and shifts and I've grown and I've healed and I've come so very far over all of these years it's really only been the last, I would say five years I've made the progress that I really have been longing to make, or I've really taken some steps in the direction that I feel like, oh, I'm in a new place, like I'm not kind of stuck in so much of the same old struggle. As I said in my first episode, struggle is so. Last year, like that just happened, I had that thought only last year, right? So that was just a year or two ago that I was like you know what I'm really done with being miserable so often.

Speaker 1:

So doing work when you're depressed and you go to your self-protective place in your nervous system is that dorsal shutdown. It's really hard to do relationship work, it's really hard to do self work. And so when you're in a relationship with that kind of person, it can feel heartbreaking to say, oh my gosh, they're this wonderful, great person, and if they just could take care of themselves, if they just could do their own therapy or their own healing or whatever, then I'd love to be in a relationship with this person. And you can start to judge Remember, should is a sneaky little judgment word. Oh, I should stay with them If I really love them. Doesn't that mean that I would stay in this relationship?

Speaker 1:

And sometimes that can be an unconscious thought, and sometimes that can move into our conscious, for sure. But to really ask yourself some deeper questions about where that thought came from. What are the unconscious thoughts underneath that? Where did you learn it was your responsibility to take care of everybody else? Where did you learn that your needs weren't as important as everyone else's? Where did you learn that there was a value on self-sacrifice, right? What did your parents' relationship look like? Did you witness one of your parents sacrificing their needs for your other parent or for somebody else in their life?

Speaker 1:

Again, this gets into some deep stuff and so I talk about it and I wanted to spend today's whole episode talking about it, but it's heavy. It's important, but I do recommend traveling with a friend or a therapist or a healer or a wellness practitioner or somebody who you trust when you go on this journey, because these are deep questions and again, our mind hid this stuff from us. It's in our unconscious because it was so painful. So, as we start to sort through it, being able to access this stuff to a certain point and then being able to put it back for now, take care of ourselves, self-regulate, get back to a feeling of safety and connection and regulation that's a skill, I mean. I would say that that's one of the main skills of therapy, really, and so do be gentle as you go through this process. And again, I've been talking about this stuff for over 30 years in my own life and maybe you've been talking about it for years already. Maybe you yourself have been in therapy for a while. But even when you've been talking about this stuff, there's new things, there's painful things. So I invite you to hold all of this and hold yourself with as much love and compassion and care as you possibly can, and to know that it is not helpful to push and dig and kind of like blood, sweat and tears your way through this like this is not something where there's a benefit in trying to put in that much effort. Like this is like a much gentler process and you'll actually get further by having a gentle, kind hand and heart holding all of this.

Speaker 1:

So I will talk more about the remaining questions in my framework next time and I'll continue to talk you through my own thought process, how I have continued to make a decision to stay in my relationship time and time again, even when my relationship was really, really hard. And just as a reminder, this does not mean that I think you should. I'm not judging anybody at all. This does not mean that I think that you should stay in your relationship. This is me hoping that these questions and these thoughts help you make a truly conscious decision about who you authentically are, what kind of relationship you really want to have, and I hope that you find yourself in relationships including the relationship you have with yourself that meet your needs and feel good, connected and safe much more of the time than not. I look forward to talking more next week. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation.

Speaker 1:

As you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action, or towards rest, or connection, or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you. Care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take a step today, because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.