When Depression is in your bed

When Helping Your Partner Hurts You Both: A Nervous System Approach to Support

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 15

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Have you ever noticed that your attempts to help your partner through depression, work stress, or life challenges often backfire? There's a reason your well-intentioned support sometimes lands as criticism or pressure—and it has everything to do with your nervous system.

Drawing from both professional expertise and twenty years in a relationship with a partner who experienced depression, Trish Sanders reveals the hidden dynamic that transforms our genuine desire to help into something that actually increases disconnection. That urgent need to fix your partner's problems isn't just about compassion—it's often your own nervous system in survival mode, perceiving their struggle as a threat to your relationship stability and happiness.

This episode introduces the concept of "rooted response"—a revolutionary approach to supporting your partner without triggering defensive reactions. You'll learn to recognize when you've shifted into fix-it mode, how to regulate your own nervous system first, and specific techniques for offering support that actually lands as supportive. From asking for an appointment before offering help to using "see, know, believe" statements that counter your partner's negative self-beliefs, these practical tools will transform how you show up during difficult moments.

The most powerful support isn't about having all the answers or pushing your partner toward solutions. It's about creating safety for both nervous systems so genuine connection and healing can emerge. Whether you're the partner of someone with depression or simply navigating the everyday challenges of relationship life, this episode offers a path forward that honors both people's needs and abilities.

Ready to break the cycle of unhelpful helping? This conversation might be the turning point your relationship needs.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your Bed podcast. Do you frequently find yourself in the position of feeling like it's your job to emotionally support your partner, whether it be with their mental health, how they show up in your relationship, the problems they're dealing with at work or any other life challenge? Do you find yourself taking on a significant part of the mental load for figuring out what needs to be done, and then do you feel like it's your responsibility to actually take action or motivate your partner to do something, because if you don't, you fear that nothing will ever actually happen. Despite all of this well-intentioned effort, do you find that your partner doesn't usually seem to appreciate your help, and perhaps your helpfulness is even causing arguments, or somehow you find that it ends up making things even worse? If you are longing to know what you actually can do to help make things better for both you and your partner, keep listening.

Speaker 1:

In today's episode, I will review the nervous system's role in this often exhausting cycle and share concrete steps about how to do things differently in a way that can actually be helpful. I'm your host, trish Sanders, and I'm eager to share more, so let's get started. So, if you've been listening to my recent episodes, you will know that the last seven episodes have been an exploration in making a conscious decision about whether or not you want to stay in your relationship. I felt like I had to make those episodes early in my podcast because I want people to know that leaving a relationship is, in fact, always an option, and I feel like it's really important for me to put that out there, because I think there are certain relationships out there absolutely for sure that make sense. To end, however, I am now moving on to if you have made a conscious decision and you are staying in this relationship, even if you don't know if you're going to stay in it forever, if you have decided that you want to stay in your relationship now I am moving on to being able to make content about things that really are especially near and dear to my heart, because I myself have made the conscious choice time and time again over now more than 20 years to stay with my partner in what it has been a difficult relationship a lot of the time, and through making the choice to stay, I have really learned a lot, because I didn't make the choice to stay and continue to be miserable. That was never on the table. For me, the choice was either I'm going to stay in this relationship and figure out how to do it in a way that feels better for both of us, or, ultimately, I would have to leave.

Speaker 1:

I'm so excited to share with you today because, if you're listening to this podcast, my guess is that perhaps you are in a difficult relationship, or a relationship that feels difficult more of the time than you'd like it to, and you'd like to know what to do, and so today, that's what we're going to start really talking about. If you're like me, when you see your partner struggling, having a hard time, facing something tough in life, you may often or at least sometimes, feel the urge to help them. The approach to helpfulness that I'm going to talk about today definitely includes trying to support your partner through a depressive episode or a time when they're feeling disconnected or low. I do want to just say that if your partner is in a deep depression, if suicidal ideation is present, if they're thinking about harming themselves in some way, then this is not the response that I would recommend for you. That is a response that needs an emergency room or mental health support, or something more than what I'm going to talk about today. I'm talking about how to respond relationally when your partner is dealing with a hardship, and certainly that could be a mild to a moderate depressive episode. It could also just be when they're having trouble at work or when they're having problems with their family, or there's some conflict going on between your partner and your kids, or they're experiencing social challenges. I know for me. Sometimes I feel like I need to be my husband's social director and I feel an urge to step in and support him, going out and connecting and being social. So what I'm talking about today is when you want to help your partner and you have that pressing urge to do so. I want to talk about what's going on there and an alternative actually several alternatives to what you can do that might be more helpful for both you and your partner.

Speaker 1:

So back when my husband was pretty regularly in a state of moderate to even severe depression, I would try to be a very helpful partner. At least I thought that that's what I was trying to do. In my heart that's what I was trying to do. I'm a therapist after all. I had good ideas about how to deal with depression and anxiety. I wanted him to feel happier. I wanted him to feel better. I wanted us to feel happier as a couple. I wanted our family to feel happier with our son when he was younger, and so I would often come at him with a laundry list of things that he could do that would perhaps help his situation, and it was long and it was going to therapy. And books to read, and affirmations on little post-it notes stuck them on our mirror. There were workbooks that I ordered for him about how to deal with anxiety. There were classes that I wanted him to take mindful self-compassion or I wanted him to get a hobby I wanted him to get a mindful self-compassion or I wanted him to get a hobby, I wanted him to get a new job. I mean, the list goes on and on and on.

Speaker 1:

And what I found was that when I would come to him in what I was intending to be a supportive way, a lot of the time he felt very criticized, very judged. He responded often with anger or frustration, and I felt pretty confused, to be quite honest. Back then, looking back, it seemed so crystal clear and obvious as to what was going on, but in the moment it felt like I'm just trying to help you. Why don't you let me help you? Which was really frustrating for me as well.

Speaker 1:

So what I came to learn over time, thankfully, was that urge to help him, to pull him out of a depressive episode, or to give him advice on how to fix his work problem or his family problem, or what I was perceiving as a problem between him and our son, or his social challenges, whatever they were. I realized that that urge, that pressured need to fix like I have to do something here, like I just couldn't sit on my hands and wait any longer. I had to do something. That urge, though, in my heart of hearts, absolutely had root in me actually wanting to help my husband and wanting him to feel better. Of course I love him. I wanted him to feel better. I didn't want him to be suffering in any way, just like I don't want my children to be suffering in any way.

Speaker 1:

But what I really found to be true is that the other piece, and maybe even a more deeply rooted piece, of that helpfulness I'll call that quote-unquote helpfulness was actually coming from my own survival response. Essentially, I was feeling threatened that if he wasn't happy, if he was struggling in some place in his life then that meant that we couldn't be happy together. My house was sort of unpleasant to be in because there was a lot of tension or stress or negative vibes going on and a lot of disconnection happening, and so that didn't feel good and that experience really triggered my old unconscious stories that I didn't deserve to be happy and so when he was struggling in some way, even though I did in fact want to help him that's really true there was also a huge part of me that also felt threatened myself, which triggered my sympathetic fight or flight response and that need to fix, that need to do something, that need to help, was not really coming from this rooted place of you. Know what? I'm here for you, we're in partnership, we're going to figure this out. I believe in you.

Speaker 1:

I certainly felt that way, but in those moments, those specific moments, my nervous system was not in a state of ventral safety where I had hope and access to connecting in a meaningful way. My nervous system moved into a sympathetic fight or flight response and my action was coming from that place. This was mind-blowing for me because I started to understand why all of my helpfulness, my attempts at helpfulness, were landing in such a negative way for my partner Because essentially, my nervous system was coming from a survival attack mode, like I have to do something, I have to fix something, and that was really scary for my partner. My nervous system was coming from a survival attack mode, like I have to do something, I have to fix something, and that was really scary for my partner's nervous system and it didn't land well. It landed as an attack, it landed as the criticism, the judgment me schooling him, me knowing better than him and it really created a powerless dynamic that he was powerless, that I was this big, mighty, I don't know, know-it-all probably I didn't really know it all at all but that I was really coming at him and it felt really dangerous to his nervous system. So of course, he was going to defend. When I started to realize this and how I was contributing to this nightmare in our relationship, it was one of the most eye-opening experiences that I've had and my understanding of the dynamic that was happening, plus my understanding of the nervous system connection, which has just truly opened up so much more possibility for me, and so I want to talk to you today about what I have figured out, what to do instead when you really, really want to help your partner because you want them to feel better.

Speaker 1:

You want to feel better, you want your relationship and your family to feel better. So what do you do if you're not supposed to just fix and help and do right? A lot of us don't know what we're supposed to do. You know, we feel like our oxygen has been cut off. We can't breathe. If I can't fix, do help, what do I do? So I'm here to tell you don't worry, there is something you can do. You actually have some choice about how to respond that really can ultimately work a lot better for you and your partner. So what do you do?

Speaker 1:

I call it rooted response, and this is rooted in nervous system work. What rooted response means is being able to choose a conscious response when you and your nervous system are rooted in a place of safety. And choosing a response when your nervous system is feeling safe, when you're feeling grounded, allows you to choose to respond in a way that has a better chance at being helpful, a better chance at improving the situation. It also has a better chance of landing as helpful and supportive in your partner's nervous system because you're in a state of safety, and so when it's coming from that state of safety, you're sending something that actually feels different when it's received by your partner. Now, there is no guarantee that your partner will be able to receive your response well, and that has to do with the state of their nervous system when they receive the response. So I just want you to know that this is not an absolutely magical thing, but I'll talk much more in time, but I really wanted to give you some practical tools today about what rooted response can look like.

Speaker 1:

So I want to say that I really notice a huge difference in myself and my body when I'm in a place of sort of that pressured, have to need to fix survival response, where I feel very much in my chest. I feel lifted out of my seat, I feel pulled forward into this, like I have to do something. It feels very frantic, very chaotic. A lot of the time there's a lot of like spinning thoughts sort of experience happening for me, whereas when I'm in a rooted response, I literally feel rooted back in my seat. I literally can feel myself sit down. The weight of my body, my center of gravity, changes in my physical body experience and I can really notice that. So it's a very good indicator when you start to develop this body awareness, because it'll really help guide you where your system is and where you're responding from. So the first thing that you need to do to have a rooted response is to notice when you are not having a rooted response. In other words, you are reacting. A reaction is an unconscious, automatic way that you react to a situation, and it comes from the nervous system identifying that there's a threat, and so it goes into survival, and so you can call it reactivity, you can call it dysregulation, you can call it a reaction, you can call it unhelpful, you can call it whatever you want, but to notice, ooh, my nervous system is no longer in a grounded, safe space, I have moved into a reaction, I have moved into dysregulation. And to notice that and name that, and just noticing and naming that alone, can help you to move just one step back towards being more regulated. So that really is a very important step and it's something you probably will have to practice because you might not be able to catch yourself right away.

Speaker 1:

Your body, as I mentioned earlier, is very, very helpful because your body will give you a lot of clues and everyone's body and system is, in fact different. But when we're in a mobilized response to threat, when we're like something's happening I have to do something about it, there are body cues that happen, you know. Our heart rate speeds up, our breathing can quicken and we can feel hot. I certainly get sweaty when I'm in that sympathetic, mobilized response and again I physically notice a sense of my chest being pulled into the air and I feel like I'm moving into action, like I'm about to leap. I feel like a lion about to pounce on their prey. It's very much that feeling in my body when I move into a sympathetic response.

Speaker 1:

The more you start to notice what your body sensations are when you're in sympathetic and when you're in a mobilized response to threat, the more helpful it'll be to identify it. While you are working on that, you can also notice the feelings that come up feeling pressured, feeling desperate, feeling very intense. Your partner may also tell you that you're intense. It also comes with a feeling of you have to like I have to do something about it. If I don't do anything about it, who will right?

Speaker 1:

So these are thoughts and feelings that you can start to notice that also may very much go along with your experience of being in a mobilized response to threat, and a really good sign that is not an absolute definite, but it's a very good moment to stop and pause is if your partner is not receiving you as supportive so you might be in a very eventual grounded, safe place and coming to your partner, and if their nervous system is dysregulated, if they're in a survival mode, they might not be able to receive that, so it may not be a reflection on you, but if your partner is not receiving you as safe, then that's a good time to stop and pause and wonder am I coming from a place of safety? And, as I said, your partner might describe you as being too intense, being too much. You might notice that they're getting smaller, pulling back, they might be having their own fight, response and saying some things that may sound critical or judgmental of you that's a pretty common experience as well or they might be shrinking and trying to get away, shutting down, leaving the room, that kind of thing. So these are all little indicators that maybe there's something going on here that's really not helpful and that you and your partner have probably found yourself in a dysregulated state. If you notice these things, take pause and ideally you'll get to a place where you'll be able to communicate with your partner, even in just some small way, that you're taking a moment. You're going to take a little break so that you yourself can regularly reconnect with a sense of safety, calm down, essentially. So if you're in a place and you feel like you can stay physically present with your partner, if that feels safe enough to your system, you can say something like I don't want to contribute to an unhelpful conversation that makes both of us feel more unsafe. I'm just going to be quiet for a few moments. I'm still here with you, though, and sort of just let them know. Now I can tell you if you're like me, your partner may be flabbergasted and completely shocked if you say that you're going to take pause and be quiet for a few moments.

Speaker 1:

Historically, it has not been a very common situation where I take pause and quiet down. When I'm dysregulated, I definitely have a strong tendency to go into a lot of words, which, of course, lands as an attack, so much of the time for my husband. But if you can try it, see how it goes and let me know If you physically need to sort of be separated from your partner for a moment to be able to get back to that place of safety for yourself. Then, if possible, try to let your partner know that and you can say hey, I noticed that my nervous system is in a sympathetic response here and whatever I say is probably not going to help the situation. It's going to make both you and I feel worse. So I'm just gonna take a quick break, I'm gonna go for a little walk and I'll be back in a few minutes and I will check in later when I come back to see if you're available to connect. Then I love you and you can then go do that and you can have that space to regulate.

Speaker 1:

I talk about regulation, and regulation is a big topic, the way I use it. I'm talking about it as a nervous system experience when you feel unsafe and that triggers a survival response in our nervous system and we go into sympathetic fight or flight, mobilized response to threat or dorsal, shut down, collapse, withdraw, freeze response to protect us. Self-regulation means finding our way back to safety, allowing our nervous system, helping our nervous system find its way back to safety. There's a lot of wonderful information out there on self-regulation. I will talk bucket loads, I'm sure about self-regulation in greater detail, but just a few quick tips for now. Taking a breath or two or three at least 90 seconds worth, I would say or taking a few good sighs Just a can be a real good nervous system reset. Moving is very helpful, as I mentioned. Going for that walk, even if it's just getting up and going into the next room, if you can go outside get a breath of fresh air those can be very regulating experiences when you have a little bit more regulation, a little bit more safety.

Speaker 1:

Something that I think is absolutely necessary and helpful to do in this moment, when you're trying to figure out how to help your partner and help yourself, is to notice the stories that are coming up in your mind at that moment. This is so important because, as I've talked about in previous episodes, the interpretations that we make about ourselves and our partners, others and the greater world are directly linked to the state our nervous system is in at that time. So when we're dysregulated, we're probably going to think thoughts like I can't ever be happy or my partner just needs to do something and our relationship would be better, and there may also be a little and I know what they should do quality to that thought. You might be fantasizing about leaving, or you might just be thinking that your partner is a complete and total jerk and they don't really care about you and the relationship isn't really important to them, or, no matter what you do, it's not enough. So there's a lot of narratives that can come up when you're in dysregulation and we can really believe those very completely.

Speaker 1:

I know because my nervous system works just the same way as yours. So to notice those stories, to begin to notice and when you can move back to a little bit more regulation, even if it's just like kind of having a little thread to eventual safe state, you don't have to be fully in this absolute zen, like everything is wonderful in the world kind of place. If you can get there, that's super great too. But okay enough, truly is okay enough. Think about those thoughts again and see what comes up. Are they the same thoughts? Have they transformed at all? Can there be more of a sense?

Speaker 1:

Of relationships can be hard, or my partner and I are really both trying our best and we just haven't quite figured out some things yet, or I know we really both want something better than this and I think we can figure it out together right so we can start to have this shift. That purely comes from being able to focus on the shift of our nervous system, which is why regulation is so incredibly important, and regulation is absolutely a primary responsibility of all humans. It is also, as a parent, our job to help teach our children how to regulate, but more on that in another episode. So here we go. I told you that when you're in that state of you want to do something to help your partner, I was going to tell you some things that you could do, and these are the three choices you have once you have regulated. So if you can't actually quite get to a really grounded place and you're still having some trouble seeing your partner in a positive light, don't worry, you have not failed self-regulation.

Speaker 1:

Our nervous system can take time to get back to that feeling of safety, and there could be a lot of things going on, a lot of old unconscious stories, old neural pathways that have been activated, and you might just sort of be a little bit more attached to the dysregulation in this moment. You just might need a little bit more time. So if that's where you're at, then I would recommend some restorative reflection. Restorative reflection is time for you. Restorative reflection is not about your partner in this moment. Please know that your taking time for yourself will absolutely benefit the relationship.

Speaker 1:

Pushing through is something that many of us have learned and often many of us value, but it is often not helpful at all. So taking a moment to see what do I need right now? Do I need more time? Do I need to connect with another relationship that feels more accessible to me than my partner right now? This does not mean go and complain and vent to your best friend about how annoying your partner is and how difficult they are, although I can definitely tell you I have done that many a time. Sometimes it's been helpful, sometimes not. Depends who I'm venting to. There's a lot of gray spots there, but generally speaking, if you're going and venting to your friend about how awful your partner is, you're probably increasing your dysregulation and probably not moving towards a sense of safety and connection, but perhaps going and getting some support and just acknowledging like sometimes relationships are hard and I could really just use, you know, a good laugh or can we grab a cup of coffee, something like that, or it could actually be that you need rest. I mean relationship, work and life, work, adulting in general is pretty challenging, and sometimes we just need to take a break, take a nap. Maybe we just need to go to sleep and say, hey, let's revisit this in the morning, when I have more energy. Right Like pushing through until midnight, 1am, 2am, 3.m. Staying up all night trying to talk about an issue, going in circles, arguing, escalating, becoming more dysregulated Again, I have been there.

Speaker 1:

It is not effective, it is not helpful and you're not doing anyone any favors. It might feel really hard to say, okay, let's just stop this. But the more you practice that skill of like, hey, this is not helpful, we're not doing anything that's making this better. So, with love, let's take a break. And that's what restorative reflection is. It's with love let's take a break and for you to be able to look at what your needs are, so that you can take the time that you need and deserve to get back to a feeling of safety.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you can get your nervous system back to feeling more safe, more grounded, and you're able to start to see your partner again in more positive light, hold them in with more positive regard, feel a little bit more hope about your relationship, that's a really good indicator as well Hopefulness. Hopefulness is only available to us when our nervous system is in a ventral state. So if you're feeling hopeful, excellent sign, you're in the place that you want to be in and then you can take what I refer to as anchored action. So anchored action, as I see it, applies in many, many different situations, and I will talk at great length about what that looks like in the world. In this particular case, I'm going to give you a little step-by-step of what anchored action could look like. It certainly could look a different way, but this is sort of a general format that I have found helpful.

Speaker 1:

So when I want to help my partner, I want to support them and I actually want them to feel that I have found helpful. So when I wanna help my partner, I wanna support them and I actually want them to feel that I'm supportive and I'm able to regulate myself and I'm able to feel safe enough to be able to come and open up connection with them. I can come back to my partner, and the very first thing that I would highly recommend is, in a MAGO relationship therapy that I practice, the first thing that we do when starting a dialogue is to ask for an appointment. This is a highly valuable tool. To say, hey, I'd like to take a moment to chat is now a good time for you. This is a beautiful way to respect your partner's nervous system and communicate your need.

Speaker 1:

So step number one ask for an appointment and let your partner know hey, I'd like to be able to talk about what happened and figure this out together. Is now a good time. If it is, and they say, yeah, sure, because their nervous system recognized that your nervous system was in a place of safety. You weren't like coming to attack them with all of your to do's and should's and you know all the maybe very helpful information. I do think I have a lot of helpful information, but how I present it is pretty, pretty important, and I've not always done such a great job presenting my helpful information to my husband, and I also didn't always honor my husband's own brilliance that he had that I didn't actually have to know all the answers that he has his own incredible wisdom for what he needs. So if you're in that place and your partner says, yeah, sure, let's talk, let's chat, great.

Speaker 1:

If your partner says, hey, I'm not there yet, I don't want to talk about this, they might still be dysregulated and they might need to be in their own state of restorative reflection where they can come back to a state of safety. So you can let them know. Okay, you know I'll check back in in a few minutes, or is it okay if I check back in a few minutes? Or when would you like me to check back? Or can you let me know when you're available? Can you let me know when you're feeling up to talking and connecting? And I imagine that if you have had the experience where your partner says, yeah, yeah, we'll talk about it later, you may have also had the experience where later never happens. And I understand, the more you practice this experience of working together in partnership and having both nervous systems come into a state of safety, the more that you will see that you actually have the conversations later and your partner actually will come back and say, hey, can we talk about it? I actually remember the very first time that my husband came back to me and said, hey, let's dialogue about that, and it was amazing. So it does happen. It might take a little bit of time but it does happen. So first ask for an appointment is now a good time, and if your partner says that it is from that rooted place, from that place of safety, from that place of knowing that you're going to figure out things.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes relationships are hard. I would recommend starting with what I refer to as a see, know, believe, and this sounds something like telling your partner I see that it's hard for you, I know that you're trying your best and I believe that we can figure this out. So this, in polyvagal theory, is known as a disconfirming experience, because your partner, just like your interpretations about yourself and others and the world, are tied to your nervous system experience, your partner's interpretations about themselves and the world, and you are tied to their nervous system experience, and so they are thinking that they're not good enough and that's why this is hard. It's not just that this can be hard, right, whatever it is, whether it's depression or dealing with a challenge at work or at home or whatever, they're not thinking that you see them as trying their best. You know they're thinking that they're not good enough, that other people know how to do it better. They're not thinking that there's a way to figure this out. They're thinking that this is a dead end, it's hopeless, they're not going to be able to figure this out, and they just have to either fight against it or give up, right? So just by giving them some of your ventral energy, this gift of what you see and know and believe to be true from that ventral space, is disconfirming the beliefs that they may be holding in that moment. Now, again, if they are very dysregulated, they might not be able to receive that beautiful ventral energy. They may be defended against it. If that's the case, take a breath and you might say something like you might not be able to receive this right now, but I'm going to leave a little bit of my ventral energy right here next to you on the couch, and when you're ready to pick it up, you could pick it up. So let them know that you're there to support them in a way that feels good for both of you. And then anchored action can look like giving your partner a simple choice. Notice, this is not you knowing, needing to know, this is not you actually having all the answers and a simple choice might be is there something that you or I could do right now that would feel helpful for you? Giving a simple choice to your partner? What a gift. Just a little invitation. Maybe they'll say yes, maybe they'll say no. If you have some of your own ideas, you might ask this is another version of an appointment Are you open to hearing an idea or two that I have? They might say yes, they might say no. If they're able to receive you and they say, yeah, sure Tell me. Maybe you say hey, see you. And they say yeah, sure, tell me. Maybe you say hey, do you want to go for a walk together? Would you like to cuddle for a few minutes? Would you like to connect? Because problem solving can happen after connection.

Speaker 1:

When we're rooted in safety, problem solving is available to us. When we are dysregulated, we are just doing everything that we can do to survive and we might figure stuff out, but not in a really healthy, productive problem solving way of looking at all the possibilities and determining the possible impact of each thing and really choosing in this conscious way like, oh, I think this is what might be most effective. Survival is reactive by nature, because it needs to be quick, it needs to be thoughtless. You need to react immediately to protect yourself. So this is a very different experience of that.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you don't quite feel like you need to take a total break and be away from your partner for some restorative reflection, but you also don't feel so anchored in ventral that you can move into a full anchored action response, then you might want to try something that I refer to as bonded being, and bonded being is just being in the presence of your partner, without the problem solving, without the words. This is something that I have worked on for the last 10 years, quite consciously. I have definitely gotten better at it. I think I still have a ways to go. I usually find myself in a state of either needing a little bit of space to be able to regulate myself or I do find that I can be able to be in some place of an anchored action state.

Speaker 1:

But the value and bonded being for many of us is so extraordinary the experience of being able to just be with our partner, restorative reflection in partnership together and I can tell you that as someone who has lived with depression for my whole life, I know the benefit. I know what it feels like to not have someone saying what do you want to do, what do you need to do, what should we do? What would help? Because a lot of the time when you're sort of in a stuck place, whether you're depressed or dealing with a challenge in your life that kind of has you feeling stuck. Sometimes all those questions feel like too much, and so this is just an experience of like, hey, you know what, we can figure this out later. Let's prioritize connecting. So I hope that you have found this helpful. Today. I wanted to be able to give you a structure of how to respond to situations, or how to begin to think about responding to situations, and I look forward to expanding on this and sharing other related ideas in the future, because being in relationship is, in fact, a challenge, certainly if you yourself have depression or your partner has depression, or both of you but also just dealing with the challenges of life.

Speaker 1:

Again, adulting can be hard, relationships can be hard, and nobody taught us about rooted responding, and that's because our parents didn't know, our grandparents didn't know they were trying to survive, they were just making ends meet, they were just doing what needed to be done, taking pause and regulating and being able to respond from that place of safety. Sometimes it feels like a luxury, like I don't have time to slow down. Who has time for that? Especially if you're a busy working person, a busy working parent, a busy adult adulting. That can feel like a waste of time, but the truth is is that when we are in such a regular state of reactivity, such a state of survival, such a state of dysregulation and even just a little dysregulation is dysregulation. So even like kind of being annoyed, frustrated, you know, a little bothered, you don't have to be like all out raging or full blown depressed. That's all dysregulated and we live in a society where that has become the norm, and I do not think that it has to be the norm. I don't think that for a healthy world it can be the norm, and I think that being able to regulate yourself is exactly what we need to be able to live in a more regulated world that is safer and more connected for everyone.

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As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit, stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize, taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

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I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.