When Depression is in your bed

Step Towards Connection and Breath: Creating Your Path Out of Depression

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 17

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Feeling stuck in a numbed-out state, just going through the motions day after day? Longing for something more but unsure how to find your way forward? This deeply compassionate exploration offers concrete, accessible steps that can help you to begin moving out of a mild, moderate or even severe depression.

Through understanding how our nervous systems become trapped in what experts call the "dorsal vagal state"—that shutdown, collapsed experience of depression—we gain insight into why recovery often happens more slowly than we'd like. The good news is that there are gentle, manageable actions anyone can take, regardless of how deeply entrenched in depression you currently feel.

We explore the vital role of safe connection in healing depression, with particular attention to what "safe" truly means for your unique system. For many of us, our history of social interactions with loved ones has been the source of hurt, making connection feel threatening. This episode offers alternative connection pathways including pet relationships, nature immersion, and even the surprising value of simply being around strangers in public spaces. Discover the remarkable power of wordless connection—how shared gazes and genuine laughter can sometimes create deeper bonds than conversation, especially in romantic relationships where tension often lives in our words.

The episode also delves into breath as a powerful self-regulation tool, distinguishing between dysregulated breathing patterns and those that help lift us from depression's heaviness. Rather than prescribing rigid practices, you'll learn to identify what breath techniques actually resonate with your individual nervous system, whether that's energizing inhales, calming exhales, or the vibrating comfort of humming and chanting.

This episode is part of a series, so check out the last episode for an overview of the "take a step" framework and keep listening to future episodes for more specific step ideas.

Remember that your journey out of depression doesn't require giant leaps—it begins with a single step in any direction. Subscribe now to continue this exploration of practical, compassionate approaches to healing, even when depression has made itself at home in your most intimate spaces.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your Bed podcast. Are you feeling stuck in depression or sort of numbed out, going through the motions day to day? Are you longing for something more for yourself, for your life and for your relationship, but you just can't seem to find your way? If this is you, please know that you're not alone. Getting unstuck can be tough and I invite you to tune in to today's episode for some specific ideas for how to determine what next step really makes sense for you, so you can create the path to where you really want to be. I'm your host, trish Sanders. Let's get started.

Speaker 1:

This episode is a follow-up to the last one, in which I discussed the invitation to take a step that I include each week in my outro. I wanted to address some specific ideas of what could feel supportive and helpful for someone as they start to take steps to move out of a depressive episode, or even when it's not a fully diagnosable depression, steps that someone can take to help them move out of a state of collapse or withdrawal or that kind of numbed out going through the motions way that some of us go through our days. If you relate to any of these experiences, this means that you very well are somebody whose nervous system is probably stuck in what is called the dorsal vagal state, that is, the shut down, collapsed, protect yourself by disappearing state of our nervous system. It's a survival response and it also has very many functional aspects to it as well, and if you listened to the last episode, you may recall that there are biological reasons that the process of getting unstuck might actually be slower than we would like it to be, particularly when your nervous system is stuck in a very deep dorsal experience or that very deeply depressed place. So please, as I talk to you about taking steps, keep in mind that this process might take more time than you expect it to or than you hope it will. If you're not quite so deep in the dorsal experience, you may find that you have more ability to access seemingly bigger steps, or you might be able to take more than one step at a time, or you might find that you may be able to build momentum more quickly. It's a very individual experience and there is no one right way. So please stay attuned to yourself and try to keep reaching for self-compassion, cheer yourself on for the steps that you intend to take, that you imagine yourself taking and, of course, any steps that you're able to take and make some movement forward.

Speaker 1:

One kind of step that can be incredibly valuable is taking a step towards connection. But connection can be a bit tricky because for many people, being in connection has been hurtful or harmful or threatening. Being in relationship has been the place where we have been hurt, and so reaching out for connection may not feel safe or available to us, and so I really invite you to think about what kind of connecting feels safe for you. And it might be that you don't have a specific person in mind that you feel like you can reach out to, but perhaps you have a pet that you really love and feel really comforted by, and there is research about how mammal to mammal nervous systems connect to one another and can co-regulate. We can receive and give cues of safety and have that comfort and connection that we want with other mammalian nervous systems. So of course, that's like human to cat or human to dog or something like that. But I will say that if you have a lizard or a snake or some non-mammal pet that you feel connected to and it works for you, then absolutely start reaching for connection. There you also can connect with nature and be outside or look out the window or even look at pictures or videos of nature. You can really think about what kind of connection feels safe for you and what feels available to you, and you can start there.

Speaker 1:

I will point out that if you're in a romantic relationship that feels like it's dysregulated a lot of the time whether that means that you or your partner or both of you, frequently move into dysregulation. So in other words, that means if one of you feels emotionally unsafe for whatever reason, you're in an argument, a conflict of some sort, or there's a lot of tension between the two of you so your nervous system reads cues of danger in your romantic relationship and so you go into a survival state, whether that is a dorsal collapse, withdrawal, shutdown or a sympathetic fight or flight response. That's what I mean when I say if you're in a relationship that's frequently dysregulated. If that applies to you right now, then it may be true for you that in many moments, moving towards the connection of your relationship may not feel like the most accessible or safest option, and that's okay. It just might mean that you have some work to do and you can reach out to connect with a pet or with nature or another friend or family member where connection does feel safer and more accessible to you. And as you continue to work on yourself, you can then work on your relationship and work on creating a safer, more available connection with your romantic partner.

Speaker 1:

And I will also add that sometimes just being around people, whether you know them or not, can feel like a safe connection. So that might be going to a bench in a sort of crowded or semi-crowded park and just kind of feeling the energy of people being playful and having a nice time around you. That also has an added benefit potentially of being around nature. If you're somewhere beautiful with some nice trees or flowers or a lake or something like that, that can be a very connecting experience. Or it could even be walking around a store and just feeling the energy of the people in the store. For some people that's a really helpful and available place of connection. That may be less threatening than reaching out to somebody who you know really well, where potentially there might be a more of a fear of abandonment or rejection or something like that.

Speaker 1:

So connection can look a lot of different ways and I really encourage you to check in with yourself and see what connection feels like for you and that's the only right answer is what connection feels like to your system. That's really what we're looking for here and in all of the steps what feels like just the right fit for you in a particular moment, because what your nervous system may need right now may be very different from what your nervous system needs an hour from now or next week or next month. Now, if you do find somebody that feels like a safe enough connection, you can play with eye contact to see if that feels safe and accessible and again, it might not for some people, and that's okay. But if it does, if you can really look at them and see that there's this other nervous system that's present with you, and if your nervous system can really allow that to be able to receive that message, that can foster a great connection. And I will also say here that sometimes that kind of connection is actually more available when words are not present.

Speaker 1:

I am a very big words person and so if I'm sitting across my partner imagine like sitting at dinner or something like that and we're looking at each other, I have a strong tendency to want to talk and fill the space between us with words, because I find words connecting and sometimes my partner does as well, but a lot of the time he will actually be overwhelmed, or perhaps how I'm sending words might come off as threatening or disconnecting for him. And I have truly learned over the last I would say decade that connection between people with eye contact, without words, can actually be far safer and a really satisfying experience of connection. So I would refer to that as gazing. You might call it something else, but if you just imagine sitting across from your partner and just looking at them with warmth and love, without having to say anything but really being able to have your nervous system send this message of I love you, you matter to me, you're good enough, I'm happier in my life those sorts of messages and to be able to give and hopefully also be open to receive those messages can be an extraordinarily connecting experience and it's a really wonderful place in romantic relationship to work on.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes, when words can be threatening or scary or cause more conflict or more argument, you can kind of build that safe connection in that place so that you can increase your ability to have safer conversations and move into things that feel a little bit more threatening, emotionally speaking. You can have those kinds of conversations but you don't have to sacrifice the connection. But sometimes you just have to lose some of the words, which for me has been difficult at times to do. But I've also seen the payoff, and when I can remember to quiet down a little bit in the name of creating a safe space between my partner and I, it really can go a long way towards creating the feeling in the relationship I really want to have.

Speaker 1:

If you happen to find yourself connecting with somebody, making eye contact or not, maybe just enjoying each other, telling a funny joke, sharing funny stories, and if you can find yourself laughing together. You don't have to force this to happen, but if you find that you're in safe connection, you're able to laugh and have that kind of enjoyment and that level of connection, that's a really beautiful thing and I would encourage you to notice that and savor that like oh, this is what it feels like to share laughter. That's a deeply connecting experience and you don't have to go into some quote unquote deep conversations necessarily. They could be very, very light hearted. This is another place where my husband has much more strength in this area and he can often bring lightness and he can often bring lightness into a situation or try to bring lightness into a situation, and sometimes my nervous system does receive that as a threat, like are you not taking this seriously? What's going on here? But when I can regulate myself and recognize that my husband is trying to connect through lightness, through humor, through joy, and if I can allow myself to connect on that level again, it can be a much safer, more accessible type of connecting and it also can set the stage for us being able to move into perhaps a conversation.

Speaker 1:

Again. Words are connecting for me, talking about conflict or how do we figure things out that can feel very connecting to me but can feel threatening to my partner sometimes. And so we can kind of work on different levels of connection. And so I do offer you to notice those beautiful moments of eye contact, notice those beautiful moments of shared laughter. They matter just as much, and perhaps maybe even more in some ways, to our nervous system and to our connection than talking about the hard things. We need tools to talk about the hard things a lot of the time, but sharing a sweet gaze or a genuine laugh is not something we necessarily need tools for at all, but it is something that we do sometimes need to slow down and allow for. So I really encourage you to think about connecting in these kinds of ways, especially with your romantic partner, but with anybody who you feel safe to connect with. These are great opportunities for connection.

Speaker 1:

I will also put a little bit of a warning that if you find yourself having had a connection, a successful connection that felt safe and enjoyable, and then that moment is over, the person leaves and it could just be that they leave the room or, you know, you end the FaceTime call or they actually go home, if you don't live with them, that kind of thing. But if your time of connection comes to a close and you notice that you felt uplifted by the connection, but now you notice that you're falling back down into dorsal again because you're experiencing a loss of that connection, I will just say that this is certainly possible and it can be expected. It's not always the case, but it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. It actually means that the connection was something that felt nourishing and felt positive and good to your system and you're missing it and perhaps you're worried that you're not going to be able to get it back. So if this is the case, I really encourage you to try to savor that connecting moment and hold that in your heart.

Speaker 1:

Savoring officially in polyvagal theory is actually only holding on to that experience for up to 30 seconds, and it could be just a few seconds three, four, five, six seconds until the thought comes like, oh, but I won't see them again for a while, or you know, we'll be arguing for the next week, I'm sure, or whatever the thought is, that's no longer that sweet, juicy bit of connection moment and so you can savor it, just to keep in mind and to tuck it away in your heart that this moment happened and to be able to notice and name that meant something to you and maybe you do feel a little bit sad that you've lost it in that moment and to remind yourself with as much love and compassion as you can find for yourself that it will happen again and you can be grateful that you got to experience it when you did. And there are ways to create a little bit of space, both to acknowledge the gratitude and the joy of having had it and also the sadness or loss for it ending. I will also say that I personally take a lot of pictures of life. I take a lot of pictures of flowers and sunsets and the clouds and beautiful things that I find, and I also take a lot of pictures when I'm doing something fun with people that I love and that I enjoy being around. I love when my memories pop up or I love going back in my photos. I love printing out photos and being able to see them and have those available, and there are ways for me to hold onto connections, either when they're not currently available to me or when those moments have ended and I've moved on to a different place, but I can still hold them very present in my heart and in my mind and I can literally see them whenever I want to, which, for me, can be very helpful. So that's an option to be able to maintain some of those connections, even when they're not quite available to you in the way you'd like them to be.

Speaker 1:

Taking a step towards breath can also be an incredibly positive and helpful tool of self-regulation and being able to lift us out of that dorsal or that depressed stuckness. Now I will say that this is a very individual thing, and you'll notice that I say that often, probably even in this episode and certainly in other episodes, because everyone's nervous system is different. We all have a nervous system and it is constructed in the same hierarchy, with dorsal being at the bottom and then that sympathetic fight or flight being in the middle, and then at the top of the hierarchy, the ventral, calm, safe, grounded experience that we can have. But what our nervous system responds to, and how it responds, what are cues of danger, what are cues of safety? That's different for everybody, as I'm talking about breath.

Speaker 1:

Breath work and meditation can work for many people. However, if you try it and it doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It just means that particular thing isn't a good fit for your system. So I really want to say that, because I think that there can be a thought of meditation is something that everyone should do, and while for me, meditation is a very helpful thing and I notice a strong difference in my nervous system if I fall off of having my daily practice, I know that that's not true for everybody, and so I really encourage you to stay attuned to what your system is telling you about something and to keep in mind that if one thing doesn't work for you now, maybe it'll never be quite the right fit, or maybe it's just not quite the right fit right now. So perhaps another time, if you feel drawn to it, maybe you might try it again. So as you play with your breath and breath, work and meditation, I will offer you a few thoughts that you can try out and see if they're a good fit for you or if they feel helpful to you in any way.

Speaker 1:

So before I offer some specific tools about breath, I will invite you to think about what dysregulated breath feels like. And so if you imagine what happens to your breathing when you're in a sympathetic state or a fight or flight mode, your breathing gets quicker, kind of like. If you imagine running, you know, like breathing in that heavy, rapid way. And if you think about more of a dorsal collapse state, the breathing isn't fast and rapid but it may be much more shallow, much more slow, like almost barely breathing, very quiet. Usually sympathetic breath is audible, you can hear it, but dorsal breath might be almost silent, there may be very little movement of the chest, there may even be pauses in your breath. So if you think about what dysregulated breath looks like either that fight or flight rapid breath or that dorsal, slower, barely breathing, almost kind of breath. Those are generally the kinds of breath we want to avoid.

Speaker 1:

There are certain strategies that I won't talk about today that consciously use more rapid breath to upregulate our systems and to kind of pull energy in, but that those are very specific things for very specific purposes that need to be used with caution and care. Certainly they could be helpful for certain people, but I won't be reviewing any of those. And also, slow, quiet breathing could be helpful for certain people in certain situations. But think about dysregulated breathing. As you're thinking and noticing what feels like regulating breath for you, what feels like it's grounding and perhaps calming. But your breath also might just be something for you to focus on. That's in the present moment. So it brings you into your body, it brings you into yourself, it brings you into your system, it brings you into the here and now, and sometimes that's the power of breathwork. It's not about necessarily manipulating your breath to do a certain thing, although there's many tools out there that can be helpful that do have you more than just notice and name how you're breathing which is a presencing activity into making your breath do something like a box breath, like breathing in for four and holding for four and breathing out for four seconds and holding and kind of doing that pattern. That can be a very helpful tool for a lot of people dealing with anxiety. Sometimes people like being able to control and count their breath. Other people find that dysregulating. So try it out and see what works for you.

Speaker 1:

Since we're talking about trying to lift ourselves out of some dorsal stuckness and be able to move into some sort of action and take steps, we might think about breath that helps invite some of the sympathetic energy, not a fight or flight energy, that rapid breathing, but being able to take a deep, long inhale, and that can be energizing for some of us us not in a hyperventilating sort of way. There are practices that do create energy using those kinds of things, but again those are special techniques that should be learned well and done and practiced with great care. But for us, something like even a sigh can really help us get some movement going and some energy going to support movement in a way that's much less structured, far from a regular meditation practice, but can be highly effective. So, thinking about the inhale conversely, if you take an inhale and then you allow a deep, long, slow exhale, kind of like, and then that can be calming and grounding. You'll have to play with this to see where you're at and where your nervous system is at, and do you need to be calmed and regulated? Does that feel nourishing and helpful, or do you want to have a little bit more of an energizing breath and so you can kind of play with some of these things around breath work.

Speaker 1:

And regarding meditation, I will also say I myself practice 20 minutes daily Most days. I try for every day. Occasionally I miss a day. But you don't need a full 20 minute practice or 30 minute practice or beyond to meditate. Even if you try a 90 second meditation or a five minute meditation. You can start there and see if that works. In my meditation timer app I have a five minute meditation. You can start there and see if that works. In my meditation timer app I have a five minute preset that's called something is better, because I needed to remind myself that even if I only have five minutes, something is better than nothing.

Speaker 1:

And for me it was very true, because I can sometimes fall into a very black or white pattern of thinking and if I can't do my full 20 minutes, then I don't do any meditation at all, and I found that that was not really helpful, because if I skipped a meditation day because I couldn't do a full 20 minutes, sometimes I would skip more than one day, I would skip several days and sometimes I would even fall off my meditation practice altogether just because I refuse to do less than 20 minutes. So I reminded myself that sometimes five minutes is enough, and for me it really is and so I encourage you to think about meditation in that way that you don't have to have what you think is the right, correct, full practice of meditation. You can have what practice of meditation feels good for you and then it's your practice, and I think that that's probably the best kind of practice that I could recommend that you have. Other ways to play with breath are by humming or chanting or singing in some way, that sort of thing, and those might be more accessible and you can play with the speed and kind of the cadence and see what feels good vibrating in your chest. I really like to listen to music where I can put my hand on my heart and I can feel the vibration of the music, the bass in my heart or the vibration of chanting. That's something that I find very regulating for myself. So I encourage you to think about breath work in a wider way perhaps than maybe you already do, but really play with breath and let it be what works for you and have a few different possibilities of things that you've tried that work, but know that whatever your system needs today might be a little bit different than what it needed before, and so you might have to keep playing with it and see what really works for you in any particular moment.

Speaker 1:

I think I'm going to pause here for today. I've covered several ideas for how you may choose to take a step towards connection or towards some sort of breath work. I encourage you to tune into your system to know when one of these steps may be helpful for you, and please remember to play with what works for you and accept. When something may not be quite the right fit, it's okay. There's plenty of other options for you to try. Honoring your nervous system is really quite an important part of this process, and in the next episode I will continue to talk about possible steps that you may take that could feel nourishing and may help continue to lift you out of the stuckness of depression, disconnection or feeling like you're just going through the motions. I hope you tune in again next week to hear more.

Speaker 1:

As our time comes to a close. I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.