When Depression is in your bed

Conscious Partnership: Taking Steps Together Towards the Relationship You Desire and Deserve

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 21

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What if the secret to relationship transformation isn't trying harder alone, but working smartly together? That's the revolutionary concept at the heart of this episode, where I challenge the common myth that one person can (or should) do all the heavy lifting in a relationship.

Whether you've been carrying the relationship load by yourself or you've stepped back while your partner handles everything, this episode offers practical pathways toward true partnership. I share specific, actionable steps both partners can take together to create the relationship you deeply desire and genuinely deserve.

Communication stands as perhaps the most fundamental step couples can take together, though ironically it's often the most challenging. Our protective patterns—whether talking excessively or shutting down—can trigger our partners, creating a dance of disconnection that's hard to break. Finding structured ways to communicate helps partners speak in ways that make it safer for the other to hear.

We explore the surprising power of playfulness in relationships, the importance of cultivating physical intimacy separately from household partnership, how movement together breaks emotional stuckness, and why sharing dreams creates a relationship North Star. I explain why trying new experiences rekindles excitement and how cultivating genuine curiosity about your partner becomes possible when both feel emotionally safe.

This episode acknowledges reality: working as partners might feel awkward or challenging at first, especially if you've been disconnected for some time. Yet every joint step you take—no matter how small—builds momentum toward the relationship transformation you both desire. Your path to a deeply connected partnership doesn't require perfection, just willingness to begin moving forward together.

Ready to stop doing your relationship work alone? Listen now to discover the steps you can take together to create lasting change and real connection.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your Bed podcast. Are you tired of doing so much of your relationship work all alone? Would you like to work more with your partner in an actual partnership? I sure hope so, even if it feels like you haven't been such a great team recently. Please join me today as I share some examples of steps you both can take together to create the relationship you both desire and deserve. I'm your host, trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started.

Speaker 1:

So the last several episodes I have been talking about my take a step approach, and I spent several episodes talking about how taking a step can apply for individuals who are looking to get out of that stuck, disconnected, depressed feeling place. And in the last episode I started talking about how we could use that same take a step approach in a similar way for relationships, so for both partners working together in order to create the relationship that they want to have. And in the last episode I discussed the importance of working together and how often in our society we are actually commonly fed a myth that one person can do all of the relationship work or a big part of the relationship work the idea of if one gear changes how it's turning, the whole system will change, and while that's true to a point, it doesn't really make for a healthy, balanced, nourishing, meaningful, enjoyable relationship for both partners, and it's not just a negative experience for the partner in the relationship who seems to be doing it all. It's actually a very problematic arrangement for both partners. So if you're interested in hearing more about that, or if you want to check out how the take a step applies to individuals, please go back and listen to some of the previous episodes.

Speaker 1:

Today, I'm actually going to start talking about some specific steps that partners can take together, and this will not be an exhaustive, complete list, because, in truth, you and your partner need to work together to find out what step truly makes sense for you. I'm just going to review some very important steps that can really support relationship transformation, and you and your partner can discuss them together and see if they're a fit for you. Now I do just want to mention that you may be in a place where you're like yes, I want to work with my partner, I'm ready to work with my partner. I've been asking my partner to work together for so long. I'm ready for this. Tell me what I need to do and if you're excited. I'm so excited for you and I'm here for you.

Speaker 1:

However, I also just want to say, without raining on your parade, that there may be some challenges, especially if you and your partner haven't been working so well together as a team or in partnership for a while. Then there's going to be a little bit of learning of how we do this together, and I'm not going to really talk about the challenges today. I'm actually going to talk about some of the challenges in the next episode and what you can do to work with them. But I just want to put it out there that if you start trying to work together and it doesn't quite seem to be going very well, that's probably to be expected, because it's something new and you and your partner may not have quite figured out how it looks for the two of you yet, but you're on your way. But just trying means you're taking a step and you're on your journey together. So so I encourage you to keep working together and keep trying. So, like I said, just like a little warning, this may not be as easy as it sounds, or you might be very excited about it and your partner may feel a little weary about the idea for a variety of reasons. So, like I said, I'll talk more about that next week, but for today, I'm just going to dive into some of the steps that you might be able to take together. And I also add that, as I touched on in the last episode, to please remember that self-regulation you working on your own self-regulation, your partner working on their own self-regulation is key in order to have you both begin working together. And self-regulation essentially is getting your nervous system back to a feeling of safety.

Speaker 1:

Dysregulation means that your nervous system feels unsafe and many relationships feel emotionally unsafe for one or both partners for a variety of reasons that you will hear me talk about over many of my episodes, because it's the common relationship problem. It's the reason why so many relationships feel so hard or so difficult or why partners don't work together. So, with all of that said, I'm going to dive into some of the steps that you can think about taking with your partner. So I have to say I don't know if this should be the first step, because it's actually one of the most challenging steps. But as a couples therapist, and particularly as an Imago relationship therapist, we focus on using words and communication. So the first step that I'm going to talk about today is taking a step with your partner towards better, more effective communication. And again, this is probably a more challenging place to start, so maybe this might not be your first step, but it's important to consider.

Speaker 1:

And, as I had just mentioned about regulation and what causes us to feel safe in relationship or emotionally unsafe or disconnected or feel like we have to protect ourselves and go into survival mode. A lot of what causes us to go into survival mode and relationship is based on how we communicate or how we don't communicate, and how we communicate is really based on how we protect ourselves, and I'll dive deeper into that in another episode, but for today, I'll share that the way that you protect yourself may be just exactly the thing that makes your partner feel threatened, and I can tell you, for example, talking makes me feel protected and safe. I like to talk things out, I want to address things. I want to share my thoughts and feelings. I don't always feel safe enough to do that, but I definitely use talking as both a connecting tool and also a defensive tool. It protects me and sometimes I can talk a lot and use a lot of words that really kind of almost form like a shield around me. I think that actually prevents me from getting close, but it really is like this defensive barrier and it makes me feel safe.

Speaker 1:

However, especially when I'm using it as a shield and not really as a connecting tool, my words can feel extremely threatening to my partner. So when I talk about moving towards better communication and when he feels threatened, he may very well go into his shell or shut down or collapse or, using the language of the nervous system, his system goes into that dorsal shutdown and he may not be available to hear me because he's feeling threatened. And then, of course, the reverse when he goes into his shell, when he goes into that dorsal shutdown, that often feels like a real threat to me. So he's feeling safe and protected because he's avoiding what he experiences as a threat, but then I feel threatened because his shutdown feels threatening to me. So you can see how this dance of dysregulation is very, very easy to keep going. And so communication again is a tough place to start, but it's so incredibly important and I mentioned that I'm an Imago relationship therapist and the primary tool that we use in Imago relationship therapy and in the Getting the Love you Want couples workshops that I run is what we call the Imago intentional dialogue, and it is a structured way of communicating.

Speaker 1:

So not only does it help you speak in a way that makes it as easy as possible for your partner to hopefully be able to hear you well, but also it's a process of self-exploration, being able to really dive into what your own experience is so that you can share that accurately, what your or some other type of healer or coach to be able to support you and your partner in this process, especially if communication is something that is tough for you, which it is commonly tough for many couples. And again, I am an Imago relationship therapist, I'm also a relationship coach and I run these wonderful transformative couples retreats to help support couples with communication. So if you're interested in learning more about those things, you can go in the show notes and there's links to my upcoming workshops and retreats.

Speaker 1:

The second step, which is often overlooked and is incredibly important for couples, is to learn about the relationship, is taking a step towards fun or playfulness, and it is often not valued and I mentioned this before because for individuals it's just as important, but our society doesn't really value adults and fun or play. It can be thought of as frivolous, or sometimes we don't know how to play anymore. We've lost connection to our ability, to that carefree, spontaneous ability, and so it can be something that feels awkward or uncomfortable even for some of us. And yet being able to stretch into play is so very important. And going back to my own personal example of how, when I want to talk about something and my husband might go into shutdown, he would be completely unavailable for me to talk to, that doesn't really happen anymore. After 21 years together, we have figured out a new way.

Speaker 1:

However, something that he might do now is that when I try to talk to him about something heavy, he might come back and try to say something funny or lighthearted, and in the past, that has really upset me and has landed as a threat for me, because I'm like are you not taking this seriously? Do you not care about this? This is not important to you, you're not really listening to me, you don't really care about what I have to say, and I had all these narratives that I made up about what was happening. And now I've come to realize, while it might not always be the best response from him. It is something really valuable that not everything has to be heavy. We don't have to talk and dive deep into every single thing, every single moment. Having lightness and fun and joy and a little break from the heaviness is really, really important, and it's truly been a gift in my relationship that my partner has been able to offer me.

Speaker 1:

And again, this is something I could definitely talk a lot more about, because I don't mean that when I'm talking about something super serious and he is telling a joke or something, that that's exactly the right moment for him to be trying to take a step towards play. That's not quite what I mean, but it's a learning experience. It's more like about the energy and the opportunities that he brings into our relationship. That may be harder for me to access, and so sometimes fun, lightheartedness may be harder for me to access and it's more available to him.

Speaker 1:

And there's a lot of partners out there that are just like, hey, can we just have some fun? Like we're always having these tough conversations or you're always complaining, you're always frustrated with me or you're always disappointed. Can we just go for a walk? Can we go to a show? Can we just, you know, do something fun together, and sometimes for the person like myself who wants to have the conversation or wants to kind of be in that heavy place and kind of dive into all that, we can take that as a real negative. But yet it's actually this incredible opportunity when it's addressed and used in a way that addresses the need to go into the hard stuff and it also addresses the need for us to be able to be light.

Speaker 1:

And so for me, sometimes I feel like, well, I can't have fun until I address the hard stuff. And sometimes that's true, but, as counterintuitive as it may seem, in reality, if we can do something fun or playful, even if it's just a moment, you don't have to spend hours doing something that you guys consider fun. That might not be accessible if you're in a moment of tension or conflict, but just taking a breath, taking a moment, being able to share a little laugh together or something that brings a little bit of lightness in, that can be really helpful to be able to connect, and then you might actually be better equipped to have the hard conversations. So, again, this is something that a lot of people have to work on and grow through. I know that that's true for me because for a very long time I have felt for many, many years actually that I can't just be fun and have a good time without addressing the serious stuff. And now I've come to realize that sometimes we need to put the serious stuff on hold just for a moment. And I know there can be a fear that we're not going to get back to the serious stuff if we put it on hold for a moment. And again, I know that that's a whole other conversation, but to know that taking a step towards being able to enjoy time together, getting out for walks in nature, doing a hobby that one of you enjoys and be able to share that with the other partner, those kinds of things can be incredibly powerful and they really support a foundation to do some of the deeper, harder work. And having fun is fun. So it's really worth it because in my opinion, personally and professionally, the purpose of life is to enjoy ourselves, not always to be happy, but to really create a life that is good for us, because when we create a life that is good for us, we create ripple effect and we create lives that are better for the people that are around us and that can expand to the entire world. So that's my personal philosophy. So having fun is really important to that philosophy, even though sometimes having fun is actually hard for me, even as a play therapist. But again, more on that another time.

Speaker 1:

Another really important step that can be tough to take but is also vitally important for almost all couples is being able to take a step towards physical intimacy, affection and sex. And again, this can be a very tough area, especially if there's a lot of dysregulation going on, a lot of that either fight or flight, sympathetic energy, arguing, fighting, trying to quote-unquote help your partner, or a lot of that dorsal collapse, shutdown, avoidance, all of that kind of stuff happening, or it might go along with that experience. But if there also has been a long history of not having a satisfying sex life or not having regular physical intimacy, this can be certainly challenging, and yet it's also very important. And even in relationships that are going well that may not have that level of high dysregulation, you might find that your physical intimacy and sex life may not be satisfying. And that's because running a household together is different than putting effort into enjoying yourselves physically as intimate romantic partners, and so you really need to give attention to that in its own way and take steps towards repairing, healing and creating something that's delicious and joyful and sexy and wonderful for both of you. And you also may need to go to a therapist a couples therapist, a sex therapist to support you, because the truth is is that a lot of us were not taught good communication skills, but, specifically, we were not taught good skills for how to talk about sex and physical intimacy, what we want, what we don't want, what our fantasies are, what doesn't feel good, what we do like all of that stuff. We don't have great language for that in our society at all, and we have a ton of very mixed and challenging messages around sex in our society. So it's a very challenging topic and I am excited to share that. At some point hopefully later this year I will be starting to offer a satisfying sex for committed couples workshop, and that I am planning to do online. So if you're interested, stay tuned. It's a way for the couples to be able to have the talks that they really need to have so that they can have the sex life that they really are longing to have.

Speaker 1:

Another important step that couples can really think about taking together is taking a step towards movement and that can be many, many different things. It can be just going out for walks or on the block. If you have a dog, you can walk the dog together. That's great movement. It could be going to a dance class together or a yoga class or going to the gym together. It could be organized. It could be much less structured, whatever kind of works for you.

Speaker 1:

But couples can get very stuck. They get stuck in their patterns, they get stuck in the dysregulation, they get stuck in these old ways of doing things and it can be really painful and it can be really hard to get out of that stuckness. And just moving together and you can talk and walk. You know you can talk and move and that can be okay sometimes. But physically moving together can actually help unstuck a lot of that emotional stuckness and kind of really get things moving and get things connected and help you feel more connected to one another. The idea of taking a step is really about tuning into yourself and, of course, when you're doing this with your partner, your partner tuning into themselves and deciding what is the next step that we need to take from this place where we are today, in this moment. Where should we go from here right now, and if movement in general feels like, oh, that we do feel stuck a lot of the time and we do want to move out of these old patterns and we want something new, then you might try to think about ways to more regularly incorporate things like movement and fun, for that matter.

Speaker 1:

As a matter of fact, another really powerful step that couples can take is taking a step towards dreaming or visioning for your future and what kind of relationship you both want, and you might have some different parts of your vision as well. You might not agree on everything that you want for the future, but it is really really helpful. A vision can hold a couple together, meaning that it can be like their North Star that you're working towards, and it actually believe it or not. Doesn't even matter if you obtain what your goal is or if you get to the goal that you set. It's actually about the process, and it's totally cliche. And it's also totally true that life is not about the destination but rather about the journey, and it's so applies to relationships. And, of course, when you have a vision and you have things you want to move towards, you will get some of those things as well, which is also really lovely, but working together in partnership it really supports that. And even just having that conversation of like, hey, what do you want? What do you want our life to feel like? What do you want to be a part of our relationship, what's important to you, that can be a really really beautiful conversation. It also might be a very hard conversation. Some people really find dreaming to be challenging, which has to do with our earlier life experience, our experience growing up in our family. So much information to cover but only one little episode to share it in. So more on that another time.

Speaker 1:

So this is a step that might also apply to other steps that I've already mentioned, but it deserves its own category, I think, because it is a specific kind of step and it's a step towards doing something new, something that has some level of novelty attached to it that neither of you have ever done before. As I mentioned before when I talked about taking a step towards fun, you might do something that your partner does already. That's new to you and that's certainly wonderful, and we can absolutely include that in the taking a step towards something new category. However, I also want to add that taking a step together towards something brand new for both of you can be extremely connecting and really helpful. Again, it's getting you out of old patterns.

Speaker 1:

You can do this in regards to fun and playfulness, something that both of you think might be fun. You could do this in terms of physical intimacy and sex, trying new things in the bedroom a wonderful place to bring novelty in and something new. Fantasies are really great. You can try things out and play Again, a lot of playfulness. When it comes to movement, you might try something new together, being able to take a step towards something new.

Speaker 1:

If you think about your early days in your relationship, everything was new, right, and it felt exciting because of that. Or if you think about a young child and the amount of wonder that they have, because everything is new, you know, and how exciting that is and how you can explore and how you can test things out and try things out and learn new things, and that's a very exciting process and a very connecting process to do together. So, again, it can kind of fit under some of the other categories, but it's really worth thinking about in its own way. How can we bring some new things into our relationship together and kind of shake it up, because even couples who are doing a great job in their day-to-day routine of paying the bills and doing the dishes and the laundry, and maybe taking care of the kids or the pets, or work or whatever all of those things, you might be doing a great job and those might be satisfying parts of your life. However, all of that is not new. It's also part of the reason why you have to work on physical intimacy and sex separately, because all that stuff also is not necessarily sexy. But when you're kind of in that same old same old place, like doing the same thing every day, sometimes, just a little bit of newness can breathe a lot of fresh air into a relationship, and so it can be really exciting and really fun to do that together.

Speaker 1:

Now, the last thing that I will share for today as far as examples of steps that you might take with your partner and it's a little bit of an interesting one, I think, but it's the idea of taking a step towards curiosity. And I say it's interesting because curiosity is only available to us when our nervous systems feel safe, like what's going on here. If we're feeling threatened, we're not going to feel curious, for in a survival state or feeling protective, we're not going to have access to that curiosity. So, again, you being in a safe place, your partner making sure that their nervous system is in a safe place so that you're able to connect and be curious about each other. And if you find yourself moving out of curiosity or moving into judgment of some sort, like if you're saying what's a new thing you'd like to try, and your partner says I'd like to go skydiving, and you're just like what, that's crazy, I'm not doing that Then it's a good sign that your nervous system has moved out of feeling safe. And it might just be a little tiny bit. You might not be totally dysregulated and feeling like you need to run or hide or fight, but you might just have a flavor, that flavor of judgment, coming to that and say, huh, really Skydiving. Huh, what excites you about that? And it doesn't mean you have to do it. You don't have to agree with everything your partner says and this process of figuring out how to take a step together you're not going to agree every single time on what step feels like you can take together.

Speaker 1:

And I touched on this in the last episode, that sometimes that feeling of like, oh, my partner wants something different than I do can be a real threat to us and that can cause dysregulation and make our nervous systems feel like it has to protect us. And so, really to keep in mind that this is a process of figuring out how to work in partnership, and these are just ideas that you can begin to have conversations and explore and wonder together. And again, that's where this curiosity comes in. But to think about how can I be more curious, how can we take a step towards curiosity about each other together? And again, this is another category that might span over other categories how can I be curious about the argument that we had this morning? How can I be curious about your perspective, which is a lot about how to communicate effectively, right? Or how can I be curious about what's fun for you, or about why you have that hobby that doesn't seem very interesting to me, but can I be curious about that, even if I end up not really liking it, if it's not my thing? How can I show up with openness to that experience, to share it with you in a different way than maybe if I just shut it down? You can be curious about what do you like in the bedroom, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what turns you on. Those are great, juicy, delicious conversations to have, and, again, they can only be had when you're in a place of safety, just like the idea of stepping towards newness, stepping towards curiosity, can apply to many categories, but it's really worth thinking about on its own and seeing where it can apply. So those are the steps that I will talk about today.

Speaker 1:

If you and your partner think of some other steps that really feel good and positive and right for you, I totally encourage you to share them with me. I would love to hear about what steps you and your partner are taking, and again, this can be more challenging than it seems because, realistically, we want to work in connection, we want to work in partnership, but because of our histories, our childhood, where we come from, our family, the experiences we've had already in our partnership, we might not feel like working together is safe, and so this is not necessarily something that will change overnight, but it also doesn't have to take a super long time to change. So this is again the experience of tuning into yourself, getting your nervous system to a place that feels safe and your partner doing the same and being able to come together and really attune to not just you or your partner not just attuning to them, but both of you attuning to and paying attention to what the relationship needs. And again, in this moment, right now, in this place, what step feels like it makes sense from here, where we are today, what step you might take tomorrow or next week or next month might be very different, and that's okay and that's all a part of this process. This is how to take a step towards working together in partnership, because that's really the only way that you can make a healthy, nourishing, satisfying relationship for both of you. So tune in next week and I'll talk more about how to grow through some of the challenges that may come up as you work on taking a step with your partner. I look forward to connecting with you next time.

Speaker 1:

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit, stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize, taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.