When Depression is in your bed

The Flood of Healing: A Conscious Story of Grief's Evolution

• Trish Sanders, LCSW • Season 1 • Episode 29

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Grief has its own timeline. And sometimes, the most profound revelations about loss emerge from unexpected places—like a flooded basement.

When contractors tore out the flooring and walls of what had been my late father's living space, I experienced a surprising wave of emotion. Though he had passed nearly five years earlier, that basement remained "Dad's room" in our family's daily conversations. The physical dismantling of this space triggered a grief experience that felt both familiar and entirely new.

What struck me most was how differently my body and mind processed this grief compared to five years ago. My nervous system felt safer, more capable of holding both the sadness of loss and the possibility of renewal. This wasn't because my earlier grief was somehow wrong—rather, it demonstrated how our emotional processing evolves over time, despite society's problematic expectations that we should "get over" significant losses within arbitrary timeframes.

The flood created an unexpected opportunity to honor what was while embracing what could be. As I found myself spontaneously researching new flooring options and imagining the space transformed for our teenage son, I recognized this dual experience as a meaningful part of my healing journey. This mirrors my relationship with depression—both involve nonlinear paths where compassion for wherever I am in the process proves essential.

Whether you're navigating grief, depression, or any significant emotional challenge, remember that healing happens in its own perfect, imperfect time. I invite you to take just one step today—any size, any direction—knowing that movement toward greater joy and connection is possible for everyone, including you, even when depression is in your bed.

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the when Depression is in your Bed podcast. This episode is part of my conscious partnership stories, in which I share real, current moments from my actual life as examples of what it can look like to be in a conscious partnership and generally to be a conscious human. Today I will explore a recent grief experience that I had, about a loss that occurred almost five years ago. If you know grief somewhere in your life, please join me for today's conversation. I'm Trish Sanders and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. I am going to talk about grief today which maybe doesn't exactly or neatly fit under the umbrella of conscious partnership unless the loss is of your partner, perhaps but I think that grief is such a human experience and it's connected to so many things that I talk about on the podcast, and, of course, this was an experience that I myself had and I talk about myself on the podcast, so it made sense for me to want to share it, and so I hope that you get something from it or that you can connect with it in some way. So I mentioned in my last episode that our basement flooded last week, and I talked in the last episode about how I didn't have an immediately very overwhelming reaction, even though I wasn't happy that the basement flooded. I wasn't really triggered significantly when it first happened, but it was a hard experience to go through, certainly, and I did, of course, significantly when it first happened, but it was a hard experience to go through, certainly, and I did of course end up having a variety of different feelings. But one of the most significant experiences that I had was actually part of this grief experience. So we moved into this house about six years ago and at the time the basement was unfinished. But we had also recently found out that my dad had been diagnosed with leukemia and we were expecting him to move in and live with us, which happened more quickly than we thought at the time. And so as soon as we moved into the house we had to begin renovations and we had the basement finished for him to live in and he lived there for the rest of his life, and he did end up moving in with us within just a couple of months of us moving into the house and he stayed with us until he transitioned, which was about a year and a half after we moved in.

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And after that had happened, my husband Ben and I did talk about how we wanted to use the space downstairs and we had all different ideas but we didn't really do anything with it and we really never use that space at all except for like storage for donations and occasionally when we have a guest we have them stay there. But for the most part we refer to it as my dad's room. We kind of talk about it still like as if he's down there. When we hear noise then we'll say, oh, it's just Tom making noise, you know that kind of thing. Even though we know that he's physically not there anymore, we definitely still feel his presence and it still feels like my dad's place, even though he hasn't actually been physically occupying it in several years now. So I share all of this to set the stage for my experience of going downstairs after they had pulled out all the flooring and cut the walls up two feet from the floor because it had sucked up water and the studs were exposed and I walked downstairs just kind of going to check out what they had done and when I saw all of the demolition it felt like such a gut punch to me and it was the feeling of like wow, this isn't my dad's space anymore. My dad doesn't live here anymore. Of course, I consciously, intellectually, knew that for almost five years, but there was still this connection of him in the space, of course, and, like I said, his presence still very much feels like it's there, and when we were going through some of his things that are still there that we had to take out not much was damaged, but just going through it and pulling things out of the basement it really was this very powerful grief experience for me, which, of course, I think made a lot of sense, and I was able to talk about that with Ben and share with him that the actual flood hadn't knocked me over so much. But this experience of feeling this different version of grief really felt heavy for me and I was also able to notice that it was great to connect with Ben and really feel heard about it. It was also really noticeable for me that I was experiencing grief in a very different way than I had certainly experienced it five years ago when my dad actually transitioned and of course that makes sense after all this time. But I think the way I understood it was that my experience of grief now was still heavy and was still sad, certainly, and it was definitely challenging. But also my nervous system felt safe enough. And again, this has to do with the fact that there's been a lot of time and distance from the actual death loss. And I am not saying in any way that I would have or could have or should have experienced my grief differently five years ago when my dad actually died. But it was just interesting to notice the evolution of this feeling.

Speaker 1:

And grief is a very complex emotion, as many of our emotions are. But our society often puts a timeline an acceptable timeline on a lot of our feelings. Grief is certainly one of them. Like, bereavement, days are given they're not even required federally to be given, but if a company does offer them, they're usually three or five days, maybe more if it's a very close loss or something like that. But after that period of time you're expected to be able to pull yourself together and get back to work and even family or friends or people who shared the same loss you had. Eventually, life goes on, as they say, and the support and the understanding often fades around those feelings and we expect people to get over things. That's a phrase we like to use often in the society.

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Just get over it or I'm over it, and there's a lot of judgment of like I should be over it, and I think that that is so detrimental to our overall well-being, because feelings are signals of underlying needs and if we don't allow ourselves to have feelings, then we also don't get the cues of what we need. And while we can't meet every single need exactly as we want, exactly in the timeline that we might want it, our needs matter quite a bit and they're really important to attune to. And this experience really gave me insight into one of my needs that I actually wasn't very much aware of until this all happened. Because when the flood happened and I do think that this was unconsciously part of why it didn't feel so upsetting initially I wasn't thinking it, but as we were going through the process, I felt like I was in this rebirth, that I felt like this was a new beginning, and when I saw the basement ripped out, that felt like a loss. And again it wasn't exactly the same loss as when my dad actually made his physical transition, but this was a whole different kind of loss, in that same grief experience of a new end, that his space was going to be changed. It wasn't there anymore and yet that loss allowed space for this new beginning.

Speaker 1:

I did find myself looking at flooring options and new couches and I didn't spend hours and hours, but there was this helpful part of the process for me that Ben was very sweet and supportive around because we had a lot to do and it was kind of a chaotic couple of days, of course, getting all of this stuff done. But Ben understood and I was able to tell him that I knew that it wasn't the best time to look at this stuff, but it sort of was helping me move through some of these feelings in what felt like a really helpful way, that even though there was this end, this very final thing that was happening, it felt like part of me felt like my dad was being ripped out of the basement, but it also felt like it was the next chapter, and so there was this deep grief and also this deep gratitude for what can be next. And it was really helpful for me to talk about making downstairs a hangout for our son, who's 13, so he could enjoy the space downstairs and making it a music room that we could enjoy as a family, and that was really important for me. And I didn't even see the need to move to the next chapter. I think that part of me was so connected to how things were of course, because we are often connected to how things have been and I didn't quite know that I was ready to let go and move into the next phase. Though the experience was heavy in moments, it also had flow and was able to move, which felt really positive, and I was really grateful to have that experience Also going through this really made me think about how a lot of our feelings have this evolution process that they go through, and it's not linear, and this can come up a lot of the time in intimate partner relationships, where either you feel like your partner should be over something like why are through and it's not linear and this can come up a lot of the time in intimate partner relationships, where either you feel like your partner should be over something like why are you bringing this up again?

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Didn't we talk about this already?

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Or you might feel that way about yourself, like oh, why am I still upset about this? I should be over it by now, kind of thing. And the reality is, a lot of the time, things need to be addressed at different stages over time and it doesn't mean you're rehashing things or that you're not over something or you are not as far along as you should be, whether it's grief or any other feeling but when a feeling arises, there's a reason for it, and attuning to it and paying attention to it and responding to it and caring about it and sharing about that in connection with important people in your life certainly your intimate partner is really a huge part of the healing and growth process and it was really special for me to be able to go through all of that with Ben last week, even though I certainly would not have chosen like, hey, let's flood the basement in order to get to this next phase of growth. But the flood did end up bringing me this opportunity that I really am grateful for and I look forward to this whole in between process being over the demolition process and the figuring it out process and being able to move to that next phase, and I imagine that I will have more grief experiences come as I even move into being able to enjoy that space in a new way, because I do feel like it's my dad's space and I think that his presence will always be there. I feel like his presence is always with me and being anchored in that safe, grounded, connected experience. I know that I might have a feeling that might knock me over a little bit or throw me off balance, and I also trust that I know how to experience these things and acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged and be attuned to myself in such a way that I can take good care of myself. And I think that this also really reminds me of my relationship with depression, because I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed or bowled over or shut down by heavy, deep, big feelings and I know that when I'm in that space certain things can feel impossible. And I also know how I've moved from there.

Speaker 1:

And when I think about my actual physical basement, five years ago I wasn't ready to rip everything out and make it a family room. That just didn't feel like it made sense to me. My system wasn't ready for that and that's totally okay. And today it was still hard, or last week it was still a challenging experience, but I was ready for it. And again, in my relationship with depression there was a time when I wasn't ready to move, to be able to lift myself up, and again, very nonlinear experience, because it wasn't like there was a time 20 years ago when I wasn't ready and then 18 years ago I was a little bit more ready and 16 years ago a bit more ready. It's been like a very winding road, for sure, but when I find myself in those moments where I feel shut down or paralyzed or overwhelmed, I have learned to be able to come to that a lot more of the time.

Speaker 1:

I to be able to come to that a lot more of the time I don't think 100% of the time, I don't think I'll ever get to 100% of the time but I've learned how to be able to come to that experience so much more of the time with greater compassion and allowing whatever is there to be there and to give myself that space to feel whatever I'm feeling and to often not shame myself or judge myself for being where I'm at. And I think that has been one of the most significant shifts that have helped me in dealing with my depression. And then, of course, being able to share that more openly with Ben has been really powerful for our relationship. So thank you for letting me share with you a bit about my grief. Grief is a tough one for so many reasons, for so many of us. I do think that finding connection in the loss, finding connection to others, finding connection to yourself, I think that that's deeply important and I think giving yourself compassion, to know that where you're at is exactly where you need to be right now, and it will change. And that's true with all feelings, including depression. So I have so many thoughts and so much more to say on all of this, but I'll keep it short for today, and I'm sure I will touch on these concepts again in future episodes.

Speaker 1:

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments, because I want to thank you for showing up today and I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be. The path may seem long or unclear or unknown, and I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once we don't travel a whole journey in one stride, and that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one, any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action, or towards rest, or connection, or self-care, or whatever step makes sense to you.

Speaker 1:

I invite you to take a step today, because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trishsanderslcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.