A Conscious Christmas Story: Choosing Connection When the Holidays Got Me Down

When the holidays don’t match the picture in your head, the gap can feel like grief. This year brought fevers, cancellations, and a quiet house that amplified old patterns of shutdown. I share what helped me move through the heaviness with care: naming the dorsal state of the nervous system, choosing breathwork over busyness, protecting sleep, and inviting small, real moments of connection with my kids when plans fell apart.

You’ll hear how I traded perfection for presence and found meaning in simple rituals—wrapping gifts to a breathing cadence, building Legos side by side, taking a short nature walk to collect leaves for a flower press. We talk about practicing regulation first so repair can land, and how to navigate loneliness without abandoning yourself. I open up about the tension between holiday “shoulds” and values, why expectations quietly fuel burnout, and how to design family time around energy and capacity rather than tradition for tradition’s sake.

We also explore a family breathwork session that gave us a shared rhythm when words felt like too much, plus a vision board exercise that revealed the life I’m already creating and the calm I want more of next year. If you’re managing depression, navigating overwhelm, or simply craving a slower season, you’ll find practical, nervous system-informed tools you can use today: regulate, relate, then reason; breathe, rest, invite. Press play to reimagine holidays that honor your bandwidth and build genuine connection.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Setting Intentions For Holidays

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Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in Your Bed podcast. Today's episode is a reflection of this past Christmas, a season that felt pretty heavy for me and came with a strong pull towards shutdown. It wasn't the best Christmas I ever had, and it certainly wasn't perfect. And yet, through conscious choices, nervous system awareness, and a lot of gentleness, there were some real moments of joy, connection, and meaning. In this episode, I'm sharing what that looked like, how I worked with my nervous system instead of against it, and why choosing connection, especially in imperfect seasons, can be enough. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. For the last several years, I've truly been trying to figure out ways to create holidays in a much more intentional way so that they could really feel more joyful and more connected and more in alignment with my own personal values and also more relaxed because I have noticed, especially where I live and I'm sure in many other places, people are so incredibly busy during the holidays. And while I think that there's definitely some level of joy happening, there also seems to be a very high level of stress and overwhelm. So I've been really trying to figure this out for quite some time. And I definitely don't have all the answers to share. However, I feel like it's a worthy goal to continue moving towards. And this year I continued what I've been doing the last few years, which is to really focus on what my kids want, what makes them feel loved and joyful and cheerful, and what really resonates for them. And they have so far been pretty doable small things. And I've really been digging into what makes me feel good and connected this holiday season. And I've been really trying to focus on what that means to me and put my energy and effort into those things that really feel good for me and my family. And this year I was pretty excited going into the holidays because we had done things that my kids had said that they wanted to do. And I was looking forward to this very long break from school with them where I was hoping to both have some fun as well as get some things done around the house because part of my daughter's gift this year is a bedroom renovation, I guess. We're going to paint and change her bed and things like that. So I was looking forward to getting all of these things done for her and creating a space that was really warm and inviting and welcoming for her to enjoy. And I was so excited and I had a lot of expectations, which maybe was one of the things that caused problems later now that I'm thinking about it and saying it. I didn't realize how many expectations I had, but the story I tell myself is that a lot of people have expectations of how the holidays should go. And whenever I hear should in my own self, I know that there's a little judgment sneaking in there, and there's also a big disappointment waiting if things don't measure up. At least that's how it goes for me, I have to say. But overall, I thought I was feeling pretty good and was feeling pretty happy and excited and felt like I was moving a little bit more slowly, and there was a little bit less overwhelm and a little bit less stress over the last several weeks. And then three days before Christmas, my daughter got sick with a fever, and all of the last minute hustle and bustle that I usually do, all the last minute gifts and things like that, just didn't happen because she was home from school and I was with her, and the teachers' gifts didn't get given, and all of these things that were, like I said, kind of like my last minute things that I do every year, I just didn't have a chance to do. I at first, even though I was a little bit disappointed and worried about what that would mean for our Christmas celebration, depending if we were gonna be with our family or not, I actually was feeling pretty grateful because I was thinking, like, oh, well, I've been working on slowing down for the holidays. So maybe this is just kind of a little gift in disguise that even though my daughter's sick, she was still in good spirits, even though she had a fever and an earache, and she was just resting a lot. And so I was like, all right, maybe I could just take this as my little seasonal slowdown and accept it as a gift that it can be. And then my husband ended up getting sick also with a fever. So we ended up quarantining him. So my son and I did not get sick. And that started some really heavy feelings for me, not towards my husband, but just in general. I started feeling really alone. I was worried that we weren't gonna be able to see my family for Christmas. And my husband was clearly not going to be celebrating with us because he wasn't feeling well. And I started noticing a real serious heaviness. And in nervous system language that I talk about quite a bit, that dorsal state of our nervous system, that collapsed, avoidant, withdrawn, immobilized state, which when you're stuck in that, I would call that depression. I really felt that pull into that dorsal shutdown. And I was actually surprised by it because it was just quite honestly so heavy and dark. I had such a feeling of loneliness happening. And I was aware of it and I was trying to take really good care of myself, but it really was kind of overwhelming. But I stayed focused on self-care as best as I could. And again, on the gratitude that maybe this was just sort of like the slowdown I needed. And I was trying to balance out how I could take this opportunity to rest, along with being able to create a holiday that felt good for me and for my kids, especially since my husband was sick. Unfortunately, he wasn't part of the actual day of celebrations, but something that would feel good for all of us. And that's what I was trying to focus on, even though I was kind of trudging through and it was feeling pretty hard. As it ended up, my daughter's fever did break and she was in wonderful spirits for my family's Christmas Eve celebration. And even though my husband still had to stay home because he still had a fever, my family did agree that we could all be together on Christmas Eve, which is our big celebration every year. And it was really nice to be able to go and spend the evening with them in celebration. And that felt really good and it's what I'm used to. However, I knew that when I went home that I had a bunch of gifts to wrap. And in years past, it was a frequent occurrence that I had a lot of stuff to do on Christmas Eve night to prepare for Christmas morning. In the more recent years, I've been a little bit better, and usually I get them done at least a few days before Christmas morning, if not weeks before. Never weeks before. But you know, usually I have it done at least a little bit in advance. But this year, with everything that was going on, I just didn't have a chance. And so I came home and again that heaviness and that overwhelm kind of kicked in and that loneliness because my husband was, of course, in bed because he wasn't feeling well, and it just felt like it was me. I don't know, it's hard for me to even put words to, except that it just felt really heavy. But I decided to do what I know is good for me, and I put on my recording for my breath work. I have like a 20-minute breathwork recording of chimes that I breathe along to for a particular type of breath work that I do called breath body mind. And I put that on while I was wrapping presents so that I could breathe along to that because I notice for myself that I can either go into a sympathetic place, which is that fight or flight energy, and I could be very overwhelmed, rushed, stressed, like breathing very hard and heavy. I also noticed I can kind of like hold my breath when I'm in that kind of place of being stressed out. So I consciously tried to regulate my breath and slow my breath and regulate my nervous system through doing that, which was definitely very helpful. And then as soon as I was finished doing everything I needed to do, I went to bed. So I went to bed as early as I could. It was kind of late, but I consciously chose not to stay up later, which in the past I certainly would have done. Maybe had a beer or a glass of wine, watched some Netflix or something because I was feeling heavy and lonely. Historically, that's certainly things that I would have done. But I was like, nope, rest is important, so let me go to sleep. So I did, which was nice. And then in the morning when we woke up, my husband did join us, although he did wear a mask and he was not feeling very well at all. And he laid on the couch just long enough to watch the kids open some gifts, and then he went back to bed. And my kids, even though they had just opened up lots of gifts, were much more in the mood to do what they often do, which is to just be on screens. And it felt like a real battle to get them to do anything with me. And as it ended up, we had planned to see family again on Christmas Day, but more people were sick and all the festivities ended up being canceled for the day. So it was just going to be me and my two kids. And on one hand, I had been excited about that because even though I have been so incredibly grateful for my whole life because I don't host holidays, I go to someone else's house, usually my aunt's house. In the past, it was my grandma's house for the holidays, whatever the holiday may be. And I usually just show up with a little something, maybe like a store-bought pie or I bring cookies that I make every year for Christmas or something small like that. But for the most part, I kind of just show up places, which I've always been really grateful for, even though I would love to be able to host one day in the future, perhaps. But I know that that contributes to me having to prepare so much less than other people do. And I'm always really grateful for that. However, when you join in other people's holidays, even though it's my families and it's my traditions that I really love being a part of, it also on the flip side of that has taken away my opportunity to really plan the holidays exactly how I want to have it and do exactly what I want to do. And so I was like, okay, well, hey, this is kind of an opportunity if we're gonna have this quiet, slow day. And again, I've been trying to figure out how to have a more relaxed, joyful, connected holiday. So I was like, hey, this is my chance. However, it felt so hard trying to engage my kids. And because we weren't doing all the things we usually do for Christmas and seeing our family, and of course, again, my husband wasn't with us and he was in bed. They didn't really feel like it was Christmas, even though we had just opened up a bunch of their presents. And so it felt really hard. And my son and daughter both went upstairs uh on a screen, playing a video game together. And I had such a strong urge to just take a nap on the couch and be like, forget it. This is just what Christmas is this year. I'm going to sleep. This feels hard. However, I took a breath and I was like, that's not really what I want to do. I want to take this opportunity to engage. And so I made sure I was regulated enough because if I had gone upstairs kind of feeling like this was so hard, or I don't know, they weren't grateful, or they weren't happy with their presence, or they didn't really want to spend family time or any of the interpretations I could have made in that moment, it probably wouldn't have landed well for my kids and they probably wouldn't have responded very well. And I knew that. So I took a few minutes just again to kind of regulate, do some breath work. I get my nervousness to a place where I felt more regulated, safe enough and calmer. And then I went upstairs and I invited them to come downstairs and build Legos together. And so we spent some time building Legos together, which was really nice. And then I also convinced them with some gentle urging for my son anyway to go out on a little mini nature walk. And we went to go out and look for some greenery, some leaves and things, because my daughter had gotten a flower pressing kit and we wanted to press some leaves and things that we found. And that was also really nice. And I actually loved going for the nature walk together. It was someone who felt really special and I felt really connected. And it was not the most awesome, biggest celebration, huge, over-the-top, amazing Christmas day that I've ever experienced in my life. And I don't think my kids would say that it was either. But I don't think that it really needed to be all of that. It was sweet and it was special. And for me, anyhow, I'll really remember that we had this slow Christmas with just me and my kids. That never happens, just the three of us celebrating really, that's not the way we do things. And it was actually really lovely to have it be this really quiet day. And I think it was extra special because we had to press some of the leaves that we found. So I'll actually have this sweet little reminder of these press leaves that we had from Christmas Day as little mementos of our special day together. And it also gave me a little bit of an opportunity to talk to the kids about the idea of what they like about the holidays. And like I've mentioned, I've been asking them the last couple of years what's important to them. What do they want to do to celebrate? And this gave me another opportunity to say, hey, this was different. How was this? What felt good and what do you want to do more of, less of? I was sharing with them things that I wanted to do because for me, part of the season is really about giving without receiving and doing for others and giving back. And I got to talk to them about the idea of doing some more volunteer work next year and some other things like that. And even throughout the idea of doing a totally different kind of celebration than we're used to and traveling still to go see family, to go see my sister abroad next year, just as an idea of just another way that we could perhaps create a Christmas that feels really good and meaningful to us, even if it's different than what we're used to. And over the next few days, there were more moments of little family bumps, hard moments, conflict, that kind of thing. My husband still was not feeling well for several days, even up until today. He's just starting to re-emerge and come back into the world, but it's been rather quiet. We haven't been able to do the fun things that I had planned, and we also haven't so much been able to do a lot of the things that I had hoped to do to get my daughter's room ready, to get painted and all of that. We've done some things here and there, but I've been purposefully and consciously choosing connection with myself, really asking myself, what do I need? Do I need a little bit of slowdown? Do I need a little bit of rest? I've been very much focused on trying to get good rest this week, taking the opportunity to go to sleep early or sleep in when the kids don't have school and having breakfast together and doing things that we don't always have time to do. And there have been a few moments where there was like a little family conflict or a moment where something didn't go as I had hoped, where I just wanted to go in my room and close the door, but that wouldn't have really had the impact that I wanted to have. I was aware that that impulse was me feeling a little bit of overwhelm, not knowing what to do. And I needed a little bit of a break, but I didn't really want to disconnect from everybody and hide, even though my nervous system was definitely feeling emotionally overwhelmed in some moments. I was able to really stay connected to what I really wanted and be able to maintain connection. And I ended up being able to have a family breathwork session, starting with just my husband and my son. And at first my daughter was just kind of uh looking on from the couch, peeking out from under a pillow because she didn't really want to engage. But actually, all four of us ended up doing the breath work together and just having a moment of collective breathing, which was really, really beautiful. And I was immensely grateful to share that opportunity with them. And my husband was like, hey, we should do this more often. And I was like, Yes, that sounds like a great idea. I was totally on board and I was so happy to hear that that he enjoyed it too and that he wanted to do more of it as well. And I don't know if my kids necessarily would say it was so much fun and they they want to do more breath work with me, but I think that they would be open to doing more breath work with us, and then hopefully they'll be able to see the benefits that they can enjoy from doing those kinds of things. And that's really the goal for them to be able to have a practice that they can also connect to having a safer, calmer, more connected body experience for themselves. And it has been a pretty hard week for whatever the reasons are that I just felt really heavy this week. Again, some of it had to do with the expectations that just didn't go as planned and not being able to see my family and feeling a little bit out of flow, I think. But I just kept coming back to what felt connecting for me. How did I connect myself? How can I connect my kids? Where is a little moment of joy? Who do I really want to be? How do I really want to show up? And I tried to make decisions from that place so I could make decisions that were in alignment with my values and also that could have the impact that I wanted to have. So I could create the experience that I wanted to create rather than avoiding, which was very appealing in a lot of moments. And I had mentioned in my last episode the idea of when you're in that dorsal experience, feeling like you can't do anything and feeling very disempowered and even almost having an aversion to being empowered, like, oh, I don't want to take action. I just want to hide under a rock. And I know that feeling really, really well for most of my life, but I also know a new feeling, a new place of being empowered, of being able to take care of myself, of being able to rest and take action so that I can meet my needs in a holistic way and really create the life experience that I want to have. So I can truly make choices that get me closer to really where I want to be. And I also was lucky enough, I'm part of an online community and they had a vision board making party. And I was a little bit torn because I felt like maybe I shouldn't go because I had not really had the whole family time that I had wanted to have. I was expecting to have had days of celebration with my husband and kids by the time the vision board party was happening. But it ended up my husband was just starting to feel better on that day. And I was like, hmm, do I do this thing that's kind of just for me when I could be spending time with my whole family? But luckily, my husband very sweetly was incredibly supportive and was like, no, no, like this is something that's important to you. Do it. It'll just take an hour or two. Take care of yourself if that's something that's important for you. And it ended up being something really lovely because I don't usually make vision boards. I've always admired people who do make vision boards every year, but that's not something that I historically have done. But this year, I was able to take some time and really look at what was important to me. And it was a really meaningful experience for me because I actually sorted through pictures that I've taken from the last couple of years, and a lot of my vision board was made of my own photos that I've taken on recent trips, both solo trip and family trips, over the last few years. And it was really incredible to see that I've been creating the life that I want to be living and to be so clear on the areas that I want to grow more into in the new year, and definitely being able to spend more quality time with my family and being able to have there be more ease and connection in that. I think that for my family, we're used to doing things. I think we do a lot of things. We go places, we go on trips, we do activities together. But actually being home, just kind of not doing a lot, just kind of slowing down and being together, we don't do that quite as well. I have on my calendar something that says family fun night, but often it doesn't happen. And because life gets in the way and things are busy. So the idea of slowing down and really focusing on what's important to me is definitely something that is going to be a priority for me in the new year, along with several other things. Maybe I will talk more about my vision board actually on my next episode, because that'll be the first episode in the new year, anyhow. So perhaps I'll save that for then. But for now, I just want to focus on the fact that this was not the best Christmas ever. However, it was something that was sweet and special that I created with my kids. And I was able to slow down enough so that I could really take a breath and self-reflect on what I truly wanted and then make a choice that really worked for me. And I'm really proud of myself for ending this year, especially after kind of a heavy holiday season for me, or at least one that I experienced is heavy in so many moments, on that kind of empowering note. And I feel really good about bringing that energy into the new year. And so I just want to say as our year draws to a close, if you've been enjoying the season, I am sending you love and more joy and more well-wishes. And if you have not been having the brightest, most cheerful, best holidays season ever, then I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you. This year was not what I had planned for it to be at all. But it gave me this incredible opportunity to have things not go as I planned. And for me to not be feeling my best, certainly not the way I want to feel during this time of year, but to be able to see in real time how I could empower myself to make choices to connect with myself, my needs, as well as with my kids and my family and people that are important to me, and to see how that really did have a positive impact in shaping the holidays for me. And so I share that with you and I invite you to connect with your own needs and perhaps people or things that are important or meaningful to you so that you can take a step towards creating an experience of the holidays or your day to day or the new year in a way that feels meaningful to you. And I look forward to connecting with you more in the new year. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to. Thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.