“I Didn’t Mean To”: Intention, Impact, and Repair in Relationships

“I didn’t mean to” can be true — and still not be the same as “I’m sorry.” 

In this episode, a small moment at the breakfast table with my children opens the door to a deeper conversation about the difference between intention and impact — and why that gap matters so much in our closest relationships.

When my son accidentally hurt his sister and quickly said, “I didn’t mean to,” it sparked a family conversation that Ben and I have had many times before. Of course he didn’t mean to. But something important lives inside that moment: the difference between what we intend to happen and what actually lands in another person.

Using a recent conflict between Ben and me as an example, I explore how two people can both be acting with reasonable or caring intentions and still end up feeling hurt, unseen, or alone. Through an Imago- and nervous-system-informed lens, we look at how old relational stories and attachment experiences can shape how impact is felt — and why repair becomes essential when intention and impact don’t align.

Intention matters. It provides context and helps us understand each other more fully. But intention does not erase impact. When we focus only on what we meant, we often miss the opportunity to repair the harm that was experienced.

This episode explores what becomes possible when we shift from defending our intentions to becoming curious about our impact — and how repair helps restore relational safety between partners, within families, and even within the wider world.

In this episode, we explore:

• The difference between intention and impact in everyday relationships
 • Why “I didn’t mean to” can be true and still incomplete
 • How a small family moment revealed a larger relational pattern
 • The role of old stories and attachment wounds in how impact is experienced
 • Why repair becomes necessary when intention and impact don’t match
 • How intention can support repair without canceling impact
 • What makes an apology feel genuine rather than defensive
 • Why curiosity about impact strengthens relational safety
 • How nervous systems influence rupture and repair
 • What it means to practice a truly relational approach to conflict

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Breakfast Table Spark

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. On this podcast, I often say that the episodes tend to grow out of my real life. One conversation, one moment, one experience that opens the door for the next question worth exploring. This week's episode came from a small moment at the breakfast table with my family. The kind of ordinary moment that makes me pause and think to myself, hmm, something important is going on here. That thought led to a conversation about something that comes up in pretty much every relationship. The difference between our intention and our impact. And what it means to repair when those two don't match. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. After the last episode, in which Ben and I had our Imago dialogue, I'd been talking to him about what made sense as the next episode. And as I mentioned in the intro, I view this podcast as an ongoing conversation. And I'm inspired for the next episode based on what I talked about in the last episode, or about something that happens in my day-to-day life, and also, like I said in the intro as well, gives me pause and I think, hmm, this is something bigger that I really want to talk about. And so we were sort of thinking about different things. And the answer came to us at our breakfast table when our 14-year-old son scooted behind the chair of his sister, our six-year-old daughter, and accidentally pushed the chair in too much, leading to our daughter hitting her leg on the leg of the table, and she said ouch or got upset or something like that. And our son's response was, I didn't mean to, which is a very common response. And he certainly didn't mean to. That was certainly true. He was just getting up from the breakfast table. He didn't mean to hurt his sister's leg in any way. There was no intention of hurting her. However, those words, I didn't mean to, are something that I have heard come out of Ben's mouth so many times in our lives together. And when Ben has said it, I have had a variety of responses, but often there's an enormous swell of frustration that I can feel coming up in my body. And sometimes it actually feels like my head might just explode. And the reason is because I pretty much never think that Ben meant to be hurtful or harmful to me. And again, in this case with our son, I was quite sure that he didn't mean to hurt his sister. It was truly an accident. So when I heard those words, I didn't mean to. It warranted a family conversation. And so that's exactly what happened. And I won't go into so much of the family conversation, except to say that it's a conversation that we've had many, many times. This was not the first time that we've talked about intention and impact. And I'm sure that it won't be the last time, but I really want to talk about what it means, not just between siblings, which it has the same value and the same importance. There's a huge parallel. And I want to talk about what it looks like or what it means in intimate partner relationships. And I'm going to talk about the topic that Ben and I discussed during our Imago intentional dialogue in the last episode to illustrate the points about intention and impact that I want to make today. So our intention is what we want to happen or what we want to make happen. It's what we intend, right? That makes sense. Our impact, on the other hand, is what actually happened, how what we did truly landed in the other, whether the other is another person, whether it's our intimate partner, our child, our coworker, or it could be a physical thing. It could be our intention of expressing anger landed as a hole in the wall, or it could be something about our intention of convenience led us to do something that might be harmful for the planet. So there could be a big difference between our intention and impact. Now, sometimes our intention matches our impact. And in Imago, we think about this as the definition of what it means to be a conscious partner when we choose actions and behaviors that are a match for our intention when compared with the impact we want to have. So, in other words, when we do things that are more likely to get us what we want to get or for us to create the kind of relationship we want to have. That is our definition of being conscious. The key part there is, by the way, choice in being conscious. But what happens about all those other times, some of which I mentioned earlier, when our intention doesn't match our impact? What does that mean? In the case of my son, his intention was simply to get up from the kitchen table. And his impact ended up being that him pushing the chair to get up from the table ended up hurting his sister's leg. So there was a mismatch there. He didn't mean to. And again, that's actually true. He didn't mean to, but there's so much more to the story. And again, I'm going to focus on the dialogue from last week. And if you haven't heard the dialogue from last week, I'd encourage you to go back and listen to the last episode. And I also encourage you to please give me feedback on the last episode as well. You can find me on social media. There's links in the show notes below because that was our first live on-air dialogue. And I think it's valuable to be able to share what connected conscious communication really sounds like, like how a conversation goes. But I also don't know if it's useful or helpful for people to be able to hear the start-to-finish dialogue or if it would be more useful or interesting or engaging to hear parts of the dialogue. So just as a side note, please let me know what you think about the dialogue last time because we do plan to have more dialogues in the future. And I want to present them in a way that is most helpful and useful to you as you listen in. So moving on from that, if you didn't listen to the dialogue last week, it was about the experience that Ben and I had in which we had planned to record our co-hosted podcast episode. And the morning had just been a little off. Ben hadn't rested well and there were some things going on with the kids. It was a snow day. It was a little bit of a chaotic morning. And he ended up making the choice to leave to go to the office, which he could have worked from home that day, instead of staying home. And because he left for the office between travel time and then, of course, not being home for lunch and things like that, the impact of him leaving was going to be that we weren't going to be able to record that co-hosted episode that day. And it had an impact on me emotionally that had some to do with the present situation and with the history of my relationship with Ben and feeling like I couldn't rely on him, which is an old story, but also even older than my relationship with Ben. Old stories that were really created from my childhood experience about not feeling like I can rely on others or feeling like I had to only depend on myself. So if you want to hear more about that, then you can certainly listen. But just to give you some context for today, when Ben made the choice to leave and go to the office to work, his intention was actually to diffuse the situation. He recognized that he was dysregulated and he recognized that repair needed to happen. He also knew that he had a job to do. And if he stayed home, he was going to have to do his work and things would likely get more heated with me. And the kids were home, and he didn't want to have an argument or tension in the house unnecessarily. So he made a choice that he felt was best in the moment. So his intention, what he wanted to happen, was for things to calm down so that we could repair. And he fully anticipated doing our podcast episode, even if we didn't get to record that day. So it's not like he said, I'm not doing the podcast with you anymore. He just went to the office. And that was his intention. However, the impact on me was significant because that old story was triggered that I shouldn't really rely on other people and I can only trust myself. Now, on the flip side of that, part of what escalated things that morning when he was talking about potentially going to the office and what was going on and how the day was going to go, was I said something to the effect of I didn't feel like he was prioritizing the podcast. And what my intention behind saying that was that it was time for us to have this co-hosted episode. And it was the week that it quote unquote should have happened. There's a should, which I talk about a lot on the podcast. That's a sneaky little judgment. And now technically, the idea in my head and in our head with Ben and I, we both had the intentions again of a co-hosted episode coming out every four weeks. But in this particular case, I had another episode that was continuing on because it was my introduction to the Imago intentional dialogue. And it actually made just as much sense for us to put an episode out that week as it did the next week because it was part of the trilogy of the introduction to the dialogue process. And so even though you could make an argument, well, it was the fourth week we were supposed to have an episode out. Realistically, it was going to be okay if we didn't have the joint episode recorded that week. And so my intention in saying that to him really was to say, this joint venture that we have is really important to me. And I really want to feel like we're a team. But that isn't what I said. I said, you're not prioritizing the podcast, or something like that. I can't believe you're not prioritizing this or something. I'm not sure. I definitely use the word prioritizing. And the impact on Ben was also a really deep emotional hurt because he has been dedicating tons of time and has clearly been prioritizing the podcast for the entire year that we've been recording because he's been an immense help behind the scenes, as I've talked about. So when I said you're not prioritizing the podcast, he was like, What? And he felt so unseen and so unappreciated and so undervalued. These are some of my words, but some of these also came up in the podcast. And he felt really alone. And interestingly, I also felt really alone, which side note in the Imago dialogue process, you'll often find that when you get down into what's really happening, there's often a similarity for partners and their emotional experience and the impact that a conflict has on partners. But more on that another day. So there was this experience where for both of us, neither of our intentions match the impact that we had on the other. So what happens now? The simple answer is a repair is needed. And a repair can look like many different things. It certainly can be an apology, an official I'm sorry, but there's other ways of being able to repair a relational rupture. And I will talk a little bit more about apologies and what makes them hard over the next episode or two. And I will also talk a little bit more about what repair can look like. But like I said, for now, the short answer is a repair is necessary. And I'll give you a little sneak peek into next week's episode because I have what may be considered an unpopular opinion by some, because I believe that saying something like, I'm sorry that you felt that way, can absolutely be a reasonable and genuine apology. I'll talk more about that next time. But the key piece is it can be genuine when it's truly connected to understanding your impact. If you're separating yourself from your impact, like, oh, I'm sorry that you felt that way. And really you're saying it's actually crazy or wrong that you felt that way because I didn't mean to hurt you or upset you or harm you in some way, then that comes through in that apology. And then that's not really a genuine apology. A genuine apology, it happens when someone is truly linking their action with their impact, regardless of their intention. So it doesn't matter if you meant to hurt someone, it matters that they felt hurt. And if you legitimately do understand how what you did impacted someone else, you can say with a lot of empathy and a lot of validation, I'm so sorry that you felt that way. What I really want you to hear today is the importance of caring about your impact, or the very least, being curious about what your impact was compared to what you meant for it to be. Now I believe that this applies to any and all relationships, including relationships with people that you don't even know, where you might have a very brief exchange somewhere out in the world or perhaps on social media or something like that. But it might be most useful or at least most accessible if you start thinking about your impact on the people that you are most close to, that you love the most, because likely you care the most about how what you do lands on them and how they feel. And probably you want the people that you love most in your life to feel good and loved and cared for and supported and all the positive, wonderful things. And your intention is not to hurt them in any way. And so that curiosity may be more readily available when you think about your partner or your kids or close family or friends. But I will just plant this seed for you to just take a moment to imagine what it would be like if everyone on this planet cared, or again, at the very least, was curious about the impact that they had on everyone and everything else? What if we all consciously made a repair even when we didn't intend to cause harm? How would we act differently to our partners and our kids and our friends and family? How would we act differently to the people that we've never actually met, that we have exchanges with on social media? How would we act differently towards our neighbors down the block or towards people in our neighboring countries? How would we act differently about people on the other side of the world? And how would we act differently towards things like our planet? There's such importance about recognizing the difference between our intention and our impact. And when our impact isn't necessarily what we wanted it to be, but it comes to our attention that we've caused harm. And part of that is being curious about our impact. Hmm, how did that land for you, by the way? We don't have to know, we don't have to be psychic about it, but actually being curious enough to ask, how can that start to shift how we show up? And if we understood that things like conflict and rupture and emotional hurt are just a part of being in relationship, we're all different and we do all have our own thoughts, needs, wants, desires, intentions. And sometimes they just bump up against other people's. And what if we didn't feel shame about that? What if we didn't have to explain our way out of things to justify that what we did was something we didn't mean to do? What if we didn't fight so hard to convey our intentions? What if we took pause to be able to be curious about our impact? Which does not mean that our intentions don't matter at all. Our intentions certainly matter. It mattered very much that our son did not mean to push the chair in such a way that hurt his sister, right? And the same thing with Ben and I. I heard Ben's intention that he left. And there was a part of me that knew that even in the moment, that he wasn't trying to be hurtful, but he left to try to defuse the situation. And that moment, that was the best thing he could figure out how to do. Then that changes my hurt. It doesn't take away the impact. And I was able to communicate to him what felt so hurtful, and vice versa, he was able to communicate what felt so hurtful to him about me saying that he wasn't prioritizing the podcast. My intention of not wanting to hurt him didn't change the impact on him, but it did change how we were able to have the repair and having the dialogue process was repair enough. We both were able to feel heard and seen and recognized and then connected, not feeling alone or like we were working against each other or in isolation of one another. That reconnecting was the repair. And the idea of paying attention to our impact while still holding our intention is really part of what it means to be truly relational, because it means we're paying attention to how we shape the other or how we shape the collective or the whole, and how the other and the collective and the whole also shapes us. And it's also knowing that safety is co-created and that our nervous systems are being influenced by what we're experiencing internally, our own internal experience of our body and our internal functions, our thoughts and all of that, but also by everything and everyone outside of us. And knowing that if there's a nervous system out in the world that doesn't feel safe, that whether we know it or not, we are also being impacted by that other person's experience. So when we start to come with a relational lens, we start to really truly honor and realize the deep meaning and value and importance of making repair. And again, I will talk about that more next time, along with what often gets in our way of making those really necessary repairs. And when you think about the idea of caring only about your intention, what you meant to have happen, what you intended to make happen, what you wanted to have happen, it can actually be dangerous because you start to not care or not be curious about your impact because your goal only becomes what you wanted. And we start to then separate ourselves from the quote unquote other, and we start to create these disconnects that can be deeply damaging. And that is in the context of an intimate partner relationship between two people or in the small microcosm of a family. And of course, this applies to the problems that we're seeing and experiencing in our larger world. Because when the only thing that matters is you, we stop caring about the whole. And it's highly individualist, and it often leads to a person acting in a way that I would call like the bad kind of selfish or the negative kind of selfish. And the reason I say that is I actually think that being selfish can be absolutely wonderful. I often say to be selfless means to be without a self, which sounds absolutely terrible to me. I want everyone to have a self. So this isn't about sacrificing yourself for the whole. We all matter. So we don't have to be ashamed or justified or explain away how we have hurt our partner or others or the world. We can understand that it's just a part of how we coexist together and our needs matter, and so does everyone else's. And again, if we think about the larger world, it can become a little bit fuzzy or muddier or sticky. But if you just think about your partner, the story I tell myself is that you do care about how they feel and you don't want them to be hurt. And so being curious and caring about your impact and making repair when necessary becomes so very important. So pay attention to your intention, of course, absolutely. And also see what it's like to get curious about your impact. When we care about our impact, we're doing something more than being nice or being polite. We are helping to restore relational safety, which again, in your partner relationship, is extraordinarily valuable because we can't show up in our relationship as our true authentic selves. We can't be in connection with our partners or anyone else if there's not relational safety. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with one another. And again, taking it out of the larger world experience in which it's also true, thinking about between you and your partner, your nervous system and your partner's nervous system are constantly communicating, whether you know it or not. And as a matter of fact, it's happening on a level that's below consciousness. So words are not involved. It's sensory exchanges and all the things that register in our systems as cues of safety or cues of danger, the tones that we're using, our facial expressions, our posture, our body, certainly the words that we're using, and so much more. And if you know that, and you also know that genuine repair can be a deep and meaningful cue of safety for your partner, then you start to understand your own power and your own potential impact on your partner to be able to move towards creating more relational safety between the two of you, more connection between the two of you, and making repair again becomes so very important. So this week, if you notice a moment where your intention and your impact didn't quite line up, try and see what making a repair could look like. It may or may not go smoothly. Repairs don't always go smoothly, especially if you don't know exactly what the repair process looks like, and especially if you're trying to figure out the repair process in the middle of a conflict. Building these skills outside of conflict really helps people use them when they're in conflict. So be kind and compassionate to yourself and to your partner as much as you possibly can, but give it a go because experiencing it is really important. And if you're someone who finds it difficult sometimes to make repair, or you identify your partner as somebody who often finds it difficult to make repair or to say I'm sorry, then please tune in, like I said, over the next episode or two. I don't know if it'll be one or two episodes where I will talk about what repair looks like or could look like and what can often get in the way of that. But while you're practicing, just remember to pause and take a breath before you offer your repair and know that even a repair that doesn't go beautifully or seamlessly is still a step towards creating the relationship that you want to have. And if we practice this a little bit more in our homes, in our relationships, in our communities, the entire world will start to feel like a very different place. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.