Showing Up Imperfectly: One Way This Perfectionist Is Learning to Trust Herself

What does it actually look like to build self-trust, not when everything is going well, but when it’s not?

In this episode, I share a real-time experience from a physically challenging week and how it brought me back to something I’ve been actively working on: learning to show up imperfectly.

As a perfectionist, I’ve often found it easier to show up when I feel clear, capable, or confident. But showing up when things feel messy, unclear, or “not good enough”? That’s where I’ve historically pulled back.

What I’m learning is this: self-trust isn’t built in perfect moments. It’s built when we choose to show up as we are.

This episode explores one way I’m beginning to shift that pattern, by redefining what it means to show up and allowing it to be imperfect, flexible, and aligned with my actual capacity.

Because showing up doesn’t mean pushing past your limits or ignoring your body. It means finding a way to show up that’s honest and sustainable.  In addition to this being significantly less taxing to your system, a bonus here is that showing up in a "small" way may have a big impact.

We also look at how the nervous system plays a role in moments when we don’t show up. What can look like inconsistency is often overwhelm or protection, not a lack of care or laziness.

This is one piece of how I’m learning to build self-trust. In future episodes, I’ll share other ways to deepen this process.

In this episode, I explore:

• Why perfectionism can make it hard to show up
• How showing up imperfectly builds self-trust over time
• The connection between consistency and identity
• Why small actions matter more than getting it “right”
• How to show up in ways that match your capacity
• The role of the nervous system in overwhelm and avoidance
• Why “something is better than nothing” can be a powerful shift

You don’t have to be perfect to be consistent.
You don’t have to feel totally ready to show up.
You just have to find one way to show up as you are.

Because that’s how trust is built.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Welcome And A Hard Week

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Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. Some weeks showing up feels easy, and other weeks it doesn't. This is one of those weeks for me. And that experience connected with something that I've been thinking about for a while. What it really means to become someone that you can trust. Not just when everything is going well, but also when it's not. So today I want to talk about the importance of showing up, even if it's imperfectly, and how that might matter even more than getting it quote unquote right. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. I've talked before about the importance of becoming someone that you can trust and how committing to this weekly podcast has actually helped me build trust within myself. And today I want to talk more about that. Specifically, why showing up imperfectly is essential to living a healthy, aligned life. And the reason I'm talking to you about this today, instead of a continuation of last week's episode regarding the empathy trap, which is what I had planned for today, is because I'm having a tough week physically. For over a week, I've been dealing with what might be a cold or perhaps it's allergies, but I can't figure it out. Either way, I've been dealing with a lot of chest congestion, which you might hear in my voice right now. And on top of that, I've also had this strange experience that I've been dealing with on and off for the last couple of years that comes with swollen eyelids and a red, splotchy face. I've been to doctors before and they can't quite seem to figure it out. Personally, I think my body is trying to communicate something to me, and I've been doing my very best work to try to really listen to it. And I do believe that part of what my body has been communicating over the last couple of years is a need to slow down. And so I truly do want to honor that. With that said, what truly mattered to me this week was that it just didn't make complete sense for me to not record a podcast episode. Certainly, if I felt like that was what I needed, I absolutely would have made that choice. But that just didn't seem to be what was in true alignment for where I am right now in this moment. What felt most aligned with my personal values and with who I'm becoming and consciously growing into was to show up today imperfectly. And that's because I'm practicing becoming someone who shows up. Now there may be people in my life who I'm close to who do see me as somebody who shows up, and I'm very grateful for that. And certainly that is aligned with my values. I also know that there's absolutely been people over my lifetime who I have not always been able to show up for in ways that I wanted to show up because of what I was dealing with and my capacity in any given moment. And I could probably talk a lot more about that. But what I'm focusing on today is really who I see myself to be and how I can show up for myself in addition to being able to show up for other people. And again, while it is certainly true that I have absolutely shown up in certain cases, I think what has felt more aligned with the identity that I've carried for much of my life is that I show up in certain circumstances. Like I show up when I'm good at something or when I'm clear on what the next step I want to take is, or I show up when I have felt motivated or when I know I can do something well. But showing up imperfectly, that has a tendency to activate my perfectionism. And my personal brand of perfectionism comes with a little voice that tells me if I can't do it really, really well, then I should not do it at all. But I know in my conscious self and my conscious mind that that is not true. So here I am. You don't have to show up perfectly. You just have to show up in your relationships with your partner, with your kids, with yourself. Because every single time you show up or don't, you are shaping your identity. And as I mentioned before, certainly you're shaping how other people see you, but you're also shaping how you see yourself. And over the last many years, I've been really understanding and embodying how true that is and how important it is to show up in a new way that I'm used to that really feels aligned with the person who I want to grow into and who I believe is my true authentic self. Now, this idea shows up a lot in habit building, and you will read about it in books like Atomic Habits or A Personal Favorite of Mine, Better Than Before, by Gretchen Rubin. And in her book, Gretchen talks about her own experience trying to cultivate a meditation habit. And she shares her own thought process that really justified being able to skip a day. The ideas of I'll just do it tomorrow, or I'm only going to miss one day, or I'll just get back on track next week. And we all know how that goes. I certainly know. And that has been, I think, at the core of my identity of being someone who identifies as being inconsistent. Now, again, I mentioned my neurodivergence and my ADHD, and I know that that's a part of it, but I have been able to be consistent in things in my life. And this idea of showing up imperfectly has been absolutely vital in me being able to have those stretches of more consistent, healthy behavior that's more aligned with my personal values. And this is so important because the real important question to be asking yourself here is what is the message you're sending yourself when you don't show up? Not your intention, but your impact, which of course I've been talking about in the last several episodes quite a bit, the idea of intention versus impact. So if you want to hear more about that, feel free to go back and listen to some of my previous episodes about this. But it reminds me of a quote that I will probably misquote, but something to the idea of be careful what you say because you're listening. And that is so incredibly important because every behavior that you do and every moment, even every thought you have, but certainly the actions that you take create yourself, your identity of who you believe yourself to be. To explore this using a couple of real life examples, think about if you avoid a conversation with your partner because it feels like too much. What might that communicate, even if you didn't mean it that way? And what if you skip your 30-minute walk outside because it's raining? What message is yourself receiving? Now I want to be very, very clear here. This is not about guilt or shame or shoulds or have-to's at all. I am in no way saying that you should be doing more than you're doing right now. I do not advocate in any way for you to push yourself beyond your limits and ignore what your body is trying to communicate to you. Showing up doesn't mean doing everything exactly in the way that you had planned or in the way that you think you quote unquote should. I'm really talking about finding a way to show up that matches your capacity. So you might feel like it's quote unquote less than you wanted it to be, but yet it can be so much more than not showing up at all, or conversely, forcing yourself to show up in a way that doesn't actually feel good to you, which that can actually be harmful to the relationships that you have with yourself and others. So maybe you don't have capacity for that big conversation with your partner, but you can say, I just don't have it in me for a really big talk today, but I really do want to come back to address it. And then when you have that capacity, come back and have that talk, or at the very least, begin it, because you don't necessarily even have to finish the talk. You can just take a step towards addressing the thing that feels important to address. And maybe that 30-minute walk isn't happening in the rain, but is it possible for you to have a five-minute dance party in your living room? That still counts. As a matter of fact, all of it counts. And that is exactly what I'm trying to say. Because when you don't do something, that counts in a way that you might not want it to. But doing a little bit of something, showing up imperfectly, that can count for so much more than you know, even when the effort seems small or smaller than what you had wanted. I also want to say that from a nervous system perspective, it's really important to realize that when we don't show up, it's not about laziness or lack of effort or care or anything like that. It is about overwhelm. It's about protection. It's our nervous system saying, hey, this feels like too much right now. So what I'm talking about is not about forcing yourself. It's about staying connected to yourself while still finding a way to show up somehow. This is something that I am actively building for myself in my life right now because I am somebody who frequently experiences overwhelm. And I have thrown in the towel so many times in my life, sometimes before even starting. And now I'm practicing something different, something without shame, without judgment, with true understanding that this has to do with my nervous system and my capacity and what is accessible to me in any given moment. On my meditation app, I have a five-minute preset called Something Is Bettered because it is. Five minutes is way better than nothing. And it sets me up better for tomorrow when I might have more capacity, or maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I'll do five minutes or even one minute, but to keep going is key. And I know this from my own personal experience. I know how I've shown up in my life. Sometimes it's been in alignment with my values, the person that I want to be, the person I think I truly am, a person I'm proud to be. And other times I've shown up differently or not at all. But something that I have learned over the last many years is that I like showing up for my husband, for my kids, for my friends and family, for myself, and for you. Every time I show up, I feel better. I feel more and more like I'm embracing the person who I see myself to be and the woman that I want to grow into. So here are some things that I hope that you take with you from listening to today's episode. You don't have to be perfect to be consistent. You don't have to feel ready to show up. You just have to find one little way to show up as you are, because that is how trust is built in all the relationships you have in your life. And if you want to stay connected, I would love to hear from you. I'm in the process of trying to build more of a community space, but I'm definitely showing up imperfectly in that process, and it's not happening nearly as quickly as I would like, but it is still happening. And in the meantime, you could always reach out to me on Instagram or on my other social media. There are links in the show notes below. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.