Showing Up Imperfectly: When Perfectionism Looks Like Overachieving

What if perfectionism doesn’t make you shut down… but makes it impossible to stop pushing?

In this episode, I explore the overachieving side of perfectionism, the version that looks productive, driven, high-functioning, and constantly in motion. The version that says, “I’ll just try harder,” “I’ll keep pushing,” or “If I can just get this right, then I’ll finally feel okay.”

This conversation builds on last week’s episode about showing up imperfectly through a more avoidant perfectionism pattern, the kind that pulls back when things feel overwhelming. But perfectionism doesn’t only show up through avoidance. For many people, it shows up through striving.

Through a nervous-system-informed lens, I explore how both avoidant perfectionism and overachieving perfectionism are rooted in the same thing: a system trying to find safety.

For some people, safety came through shutting down, withdrawing, or avoiding. For others, safety came through doing more, pushing harder, and staying constantly mobilized. While these patterns can look completely opposite from the outside, both are adaptive responses shaped by overwhelm, stress, and self-protection.

I also share how these patterns can exist within the same person and how they can shape relationship dynamics over time. In my relationship with my husband Ben, when his system moved more toward shutdown, mine often moved toward striving and over-functioning in response.

This episode explores how showing up imperfectly matters not only for the person who avoids, but also for the person who over-functions.

Because for the overachieving perfectionist, showing up imperfectly may actually mean learning to do less.

In this episode, I explore:

• The difference between avoidant and overachieving perfectionism
• How perfectionism develops through different nervous system survival strategies
• Dorsal shutdown vs. sympathetic striving responses
• Why overachieving can look healthy while still being driven by self-protection
• The hidden cost of constantly pushing, striving, and over-functioning
• How perfectionism can disconnect us from our body, limits, and needs
• Why overachieving and avoidance can exist in the same person
• Common relationship dynamics between shutdown and over-functioning partners
• Why showing up imperfectly matters for both perfectionism patterns
• How imperfect action for overachievers may actually mean slowing down, resting, or doing less
• The connection between awareness, regulation, and self-trust

You do not have to get rid of your patterns to begin healing.

The goal is not perfection.
The goal is awareness, flexibility, and learning how to stay connected to yourself while you grow.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Welcome And Last Week’s Thread

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Hello, and welcome to the Wonder Pression is in your bed podcast. Last week I talked about showing up imperfectly and how that is one way I'm learning how to build trust with myself. And as I talked about the way my own perfectionism has a tendency to show up, I also was aware that perfectionism does not only show up in just one way. For some of us, it looks like avoiding or pulling back. And for others, it looks like doing more, pushing harder, and never quite stopping. So today I want to talk more about that version, the overachieving side of perfectionism, and how showing up imperfectly matters there too. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. Last week I talked about showing up imperfectly and how that has been one key way that I have been learning how to trust myself more and more. And in that episode, I was speaking from a very specific experience of perfectionism and the tendency that I lean towards most of the time, which is that more avoidant type. It's the kind that pulls away when things feel hard, or the kind that avoids when things get overwhelming. It's the kind that says, if I can't do it well, then I won't do it at all. But that's not the only way perfectionism shows up. And today I want to talk about that other version, the version that looks like overachieving. Since I look through a nervous system lens, it's no surprise that when I think about perfectionism and the different ways it shows up, I understand it through a nervous system lens and how our systems find safety in different ways. For some people, when things get hard, safety came through shutting down, pulling back, or avoiding. We might think of this as a more dorsal response in our nervous system. And our dorsal state is the state our nervous system goes to when it seems that going into collapse is going to be the best option to keep us safe. And for others, safety can come from trying harder, doing more, and pushing forward. This is more of a sympathetic response in our nervous system, is the same as fight or flight energy. And it's that striving response, that mobilized response to threat that something's happening. And I feel safer trying to do something about it. And I'll push and push and push and push until I feel safe again. Both of these approaches are adaptive. They are valuable. They both make sense. And it's actually completely and totally brilliant that our nervous system had the ability to figure this all out for us when we needed a way for our system and our body to feel safe. And either approach, whether it's that more dorsal shutdown avoidance or that more sympathetic striving pushing response, can lead to perfectionism. And today I want to talk a little bit more about the overachieving perfectionist because I didn't talk about that in my last episode. The overachieving perfectionist may be someone who has thoughts like, I'll just try harder, I'll get it right eventually. So I'm just going to keep trying no matter what. Or if I just push through, I can fix this. And from the outside, this can look pretty good, actually. It can look very functional. It even might be admirable or desirable or considered successful by so many external measures, including other people and society itself. But internally, it can feel like pressure, urgency, never quite being enough, difficulty resting, difficulty stopping, or even slowing down, and never quite being able to enjoy one's accomplishments for any length of time. And this is because this is a system that has learned if I just keep moving, I will be okay. Now I do want to say that this type of system may not identify with being depressed. They may commonly identify with feeling anxious more of the time. However, this kind of overachieving perfectionist may partner with somebody who is considered depressed. And I think that that's a very relevant point here on this podcast. And I also think it's important to note that the overachiever type and the more avoidant type of perfectionist can both exist in the exact same person. I can tell you that that is absolutely true for me. While it is my tendency to be an avoider when things get unclear or difficult or challenging, or I don't think that I can do a really perfect job, I absolutely identify with being the overachiever, the striver, the pusher. And I can also tell you in the dynamic of my relationship with my husband, Ben, when he became the more dorsal kind of shutdown person, my system to protect myself helped me to go into that striving, sympathetic place. And I became the overachiever, the overdoer, the overfunctioning person in the relationship. And this is such an incredibly common dynamic that may or may not have to do with perfectionism for some people, but it's really important to note that this is not an either-or kind of thing. We all have nervous systems and all of our nervous systems spend time in dorsal, in sympathetic, and in that ventral place, which our ventral state of our nervous system is that safe enough, grounded, connected place in our nervous system. And so we only have so many places that we can go. And it really is a matter of what we have learned in our experience growing up and even as adults, and certainly in relationship, all the different kinds of relationships we have, starting out with our earliest caregivers and the important people in our early life, all the way through to the people we end up in intimate partner relationships with and everybody else that is in our lives. So while somebody who is avoidant and shuts down and doesn't even start tasks may look so incredibly different than the person who continues to go and go and go. The truth is that either version comes at a cost. And for people who have the tendency to be an overachieving perfectionist, the cost can come in becoming disconnected from your body, learning to override your limits, making rest feel unsafe, and tying your sense of worth to your output or your quote unquote productivity. So even though this approach looks like someone who's always showing up, it may not be always embodied and connected, someone who is authentically showing up. And this is where I want to connect back to last week's episode, which was about showing up imperfectly. This is not just for the perfectionist or person who avoids, it's also for the person who overfunctions. For the avoidant perfectionist, showing up imperfectly may be doing something instead of nothing, taking one little step instead of thinking about trying to climb the whole mountain. But for the overachieving perfectionist, showing up imperfectly might actually be about doing less. It might mean stopping before you're exhausted, leaving something unfinished, not optimizing everything, choosing good enough and resting without having to earn it. And all of this can feel really, really uncomfortable because the system is saying, if I stop, am I still okay? Am I still safe? So again, even though these two different approaches to perfectionism can seem like polar opposites, they're actually rooted in the same thing: a nervous system trying to find safety. While one says, I'll disappear so I don't get it wrong, the other says, I'll do more so I can get it right. And both approaches leave systems working so very hard and are both incredibly taxing. And this is why showing up imperfectly matters for both, because it interrupts the pattern and allows our system to stretch a little bit more to increase our experience of what safety or safe enough can feel like. For one person, it brings them into action. For the other person, it brings them out of overdrive. And in both cases, it creates a space where something new can happen. It's a place where someone can have awareness and having more awareness about what's happening for you, more conscious awareness, leads to more ability to have choice and more possibility to learn about what regulates you. And all of this can lead to an increase in things that can help us learn to build self-trust. I think for many people, they can pretty quickly identify their own tendencies in this area. But if you're still left wondering, you can ask yourself when things feel hard, what does my system tend to do? This can vary in different circumstances and it can also vary in relationship. So you might show up in one way at work and you might show up a different way at home with your partner. And again, there's not a right or a wrong way or a good or a bad way. It's just noticing your tendency because when we can understand what we do to feel safe, which is basically what's happening when we become dysregulated, we've moved into that self-protective space, whether it's sympathetic or dorsal. And then we can figure out how do we get back to safe enough. And this is vitally important because it's how we genuinely connect to our true authentic self and also how we show up in our relationship and also what we need to heal our relationships and grow through them. So just notice do you have a tendency to pull back or do you push forward? And then the big question to ask yourself, what would it look like to show up imperfectly in this pattern that I'm thinking of for myself in this particular situation in a specific moment? So please do know the goal here is not in any way to stop you from being who you truly are. It's not even to get rid of these patterns altogether. The goal is to truly understand what's happening and begin to shift your relationship to these patterns when they happen. So that showing up, however perfectly or imperfectly it may be being done, it's able to feel connected and aligned and sustainable, a way that you can take care of yourself and your relationships time and time again. Not from a place that's driven by fear and self-protection, but rather a conscious place that's supported by trust and awareness. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments. Because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.