The Empathy Trap in Relationships: How Understanding Your Partner Can Keep You Both Stuck

What happens when empathy helps your partner feel deeply understood… but quietly keeps both of you stuck?

In this episode, I explore what I call The Empathy Trap in Relationships, a dynamic where understanding your partner’s pain can sometimes make it harder to respond to the actual impact that pain is having on you, the relationship, and the family system as a whole. 

Drawing from my own marriage and years of professional experience, I talk about how empathy can unintentionally turn into over-functioning, imbalance, and staying in unhealthy relational loops for far too long.

Empathy matters deeply. Feeling seen and understood helps create safety, connection, and healing. But when empathy only focuses on someone’s story, without also paying attention to both nervous systems in the relationship, it can unintentionally reinforce patterns that no longer serve either partner. 

In this episode, I introduce a more expanded version of empathy, one that includes compassion, accountability, boundaries, and nervous system awareness for both people in the relationship.

Because true relational safety has to be co-created.

In this episode, we explore:

• What The Empathy Trap in Relationships actually is
• How empathy can unintentionally reinforce unhealthy dynamics
• The difference between understanding behavior and accepting it
• Why over-empathizing can lead to over-functioning
• How nervous system awareness changes relational patterns
• The importance of including both nervous systems in empathy
• Why safety and healing must be co-created in relationships
• How expanded empathy creates the conditions for growth and change

You can deeply understand your partner…
 without abandoning yourself in the process.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Welcome And The Empathy Trap

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Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. Sometimes the very people who are the most empathic are also the most likely to lose themselves in relationships. Not because they don't care about themselves, but because understanding someone else's pain can make it very hard to respond to the impact that that pain is having. And over time, what starts off as compassion can slowly turn to overfunctioning, imbalance, and staying in dynamics that don't always feel healthy. So today I want to talk about that through the lens of my own relationship and what I've come to learn about empathy, boundaries, nervous systems, and change. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. A few weeks ago, I talked about something that I called the empathy trap. And what I described in that episode was how empathy, as we usually think of it, to be able to feel with someone can help people feel seen and understood, but it doesn't always lead to change. And I shared what could be one of the missing pieces to be able to expand empathy is to be able to empathize with someone's nervous system state in addition to empathizing with their story or their interpretations or the meaning that they make out of what's happening. In that episode, I focus a lot on self-empathy. Today I want to take that same idea and bring it into intimate partner relationships. Because the empathy trap doesn't just happen within ourselves, it happens between people. And here's how I would define it in relationships the empathy trap is when understanding your partner gets in the way of you being able to respond to what is actually happening in the situation for both you and your partner in a way that is truly attuned to both partners and in a way that hopefully creates the environment where healing and growth is possible. It's when you get their story and you understand their pain and you know where it comes from. And because of that, nothing actually shifts and you both stay in often unconscious and often unhealthy dynamics. As I've mentioned before, I have a strong capacity for empathy, which is probably a good thing given what I do professionally. And in my early relationship with my now husband, Ben, I think my capacity for empathy was something that contributed in a significant way to creating the deep and meaningful connection that we had. I don't know if Ben's exact words would have been that he loved how empathic I was, but I think he would have said something like he felt really seen and understood by me. And that matters, and it's important because that is one of the things that helped create the safety that was in our relationship that allowed for that deep connection to take place. We both felt safe enough to connect. With that said, looking back, there were so many times when that very same empathy that contributed in so many positive ways to our relationship also kept us stuck because I understood him. I understood his depression and his anxiety and his history and his relational patterns. And I really got him. I saw him in a very holistic way. And because I got him in this way, I let a lot of behavior go. Behavior that really wasn't okay for me or for him. It was behavior that impacted me as a person, him as a person, the relationship and the space between us that we had. And after we had children, it began to impact our family as well. There were times that he raged, and there were times that he stayed in bed all day. And there were nights when he went to sleep while I stayed awake crying on the couch. Now, as I say that and think about those times, I have to pause for a moment of gratitude because we have come such a long way. And those patterns have not been present for years. But we were stuck in those same loops for so long. And now, all these years later, this is what I see. I empathize with his story, all the things that I understood about him and what he was going through and what he was experiencing in any given moment. And with that, I empathized away the impact. And again, not just the impact on me, but the impact on both of us and our relationship. I understood why what was happening was happening. And that led me to respond in a less than helpful way. And when I say that, what I mean is that I responded in a way that didn't help us move forward or shift or grow or change. I responded in a way that I thought was empathic, that was supportive, that was emotionally understanding and validating of his experience, which I think was important. And I value that because I do think that some of that is involved in healing. I think in the therapeutic relationship, the therapist's ability to give empathy is vital to the healing process. And I think relationally, and the Imago theory is built around the idea that we are born in relationship and we are harmed in relationship and we are healed in relationship. And so I don't want to discount and say that it is never appropriate to give empathy to your partner and understand where they're coming from because again, I think that it is incredibly important. However, when you stay stuck in these patterns and they happen time and time again, that's when you really have to start looking at what's happening and what needs to change. And from where I sit now and I look back, I can see how in time all of my over-empathizing led to me over functioning in so many different ways. And I took on more emotional responsibility, which often felt like it made sense to me. I'm the therapist. I was in therapy for so many years on my own. And not that I wanted to be my husband's therapist. I never wanted that. And I can assure you that he did not want me to be his therapist. But I felt like I had the capacity, the knowledge, the awareness, the consciousness, the skills to do sometimes more than perhaps Ben was able to do all of those years ago. And thoughts like that, also stories, empathizing with the stories and really staying with all of that contributed to me staying in dynamics for what I think looking back were really way too long or longer than I wish that they could have gone on. And the more that I took on, it created a dynamic where Ben continued to take on less. And not because he didn't want to take on more, and not because he didn't want to do the work or not because of any negative reason. This dynamic of me being an overfunctioning person and him being an underfunctioning person was something that was set up many, many years before we even met in our childhood and in our early experiences. And so there's a reason why we ended up in this place that we were both unconsciously motivated to be in. And as a matter of fact, being in that loop and in that stuckness, it was the conflict that was calling us for growth, for something new to happen. But again, my empathy often got in the way of that because I thought I was doing something that was helpful. And looking back, I realized that again, while sometimes it's helpful, the way I see it, it's important to use empathy in a conscious way. And again, an expanded version of empathy that can acknowledge the story and the experience and all of that, and also understand the nervous system experience for both partners. And this is the part that I want to be really clear about. Empathy is not the same thing as accepting behavior. And I think back then, I don't necessarily think that I would have said that it was accepting behavior, but I don't think I understood how to empathize without also accepting the behavior and saying, like, okay, well, he's depressed, so it makes sense he's acting that way. And it was kind of like, well, I can't really have feelings about it anymore, or I have to self-regulate and take care of my own feelings, or get support elsewhere so that I can support him through this hard time. And I think that that was probably how I would have described it back then. But I see it very differently now because I see a way that I could have supported him and me and our relationship in a way that would have likely worked far better. I wish that I would have realized or known or understood back then that you can truly understand someone in a deep way and still say this isn't working for me or for us and for the relationship without judgment or criticism or shame. And certainly Ben and I have had many conversations where I did, in fact, say that things aren't working for me. But that was usually when we were at a place where I felt like I couldn't continue the relationship anymore. And then it was kind of like I'm exasperated and things aren't working for me. It came from a more dysregulated place. I was at my wit's end and I didn't have any more capacity to give. And that's really when that came out more of the time. But what I'm talking about being able to say when you still have capacity and you're still able to feel safe enough yourself and you're still able to remain grounded and be able to say, hey, this isn't really working for either of us. So what can we do for us to grow from here? So there's a way to empathize that still is without shame and it has some boundaries along with it so that you don't get stuck reinforcing old patterns. So in my last episode about the empathy trap, I talk about how empathy, when it stays at the level of the story, can sometimes lead to creating stuckness. And I shared how in my own therapy, I got to a place with my therapist where I said, I don't need any more empathy. I need something that's going to help me change. And in time, what I came to realize was not that I didn't need empathy at all, because again, empathy is an incredibly important thing that I absolutely needed for my own healing and for safety in my relationships with my therapist or with my friends or with Ben or anybody in my life. Empathy is really powerful and important in relationships. But what I came to realize is that what I really needed was that expanded version of empathy that I've been talking about. So to take this idea to what was happening with Ben and I, I could have empathized with Ben's nervous system state. And that could have led to things looking differently. I could have said something like, I totally understand that your system went into some self-protection mode, whether it was a fight or flight or a collapse or shutdown or whatever it was. And of course, that makes sense given the experience and the situation, what was happening. That is empathy, understanding, feeling with him, knowing how our systems, of course, go into self-protection mode sometimes. And the key for change would have been adding something like when that happens, my nervous system gets overwhelmed too. And I feel scared and I feel alone. And I notice that I start to respond by trying to take care of you in a way that isn't always healthy for me or that doesn't always also acknowledge the care that I need myself. And then I could have said something like, I really want to find another way through this together. And that's the road to relational growth. That kind of empathy still creates understanding and reduces shame, but it also creates accountability and takes into account both nervous systems and creates an environment where change is possible for both individuals and for the relationship. To be honest, I don't know if this approach would have made things change so much faster. There's no way for me to guarantee that, even though over the last several years, I certainly have used more nervous system-based approaches and this more expanded version of empathy. And I've been very successful. But also in truth, Ben and I have been in a very different place the last few years than we were 10 or 15 or 20 years ago. But what I do know is that it would have created a space where I didn't feel like I had to hold everything. And it would have given Ben the chance to step up and into the relationship and into a more full version of himself. So we could have tried to figure out how to hold things together. So if you're listening, I hope you take something away from this episode. And I hope that you can hear that you can understand your partner in a deep way and still not abandon or compromise yourself, even if you feel like you have the capacity to take care of your partner or to take care of the relationship. And you can feel with your partner in deep, true, authentic empathy and still not have to take on the responsibility of fixing everything and trying to take care of yourself in addition to taking care of the relationship all on your own. Because when you empathize with the nervous system, it has to include both nervous systems or all nervous systems, whoever's in the room. But empathizing with nervous systems has to take into account all nervous systems being impacted. Because without doing that, you can't create true relational safety. Because, and I've talked about this in many, many episodes, safety is something that must be co-created. And so by me only empathizing with the story, even though it helped Ben feel safe and understood and seen, it harmed me. Not all the time. Again, there were certainly many moments where it felt very easy and very appropriate. And I felt very loving and warm being able to provide Ben with empathy and care. And then there were times when it crossed over into a place where it wasn't good for me. And again, not just me, but for him and for our relationship. So when you think about empathizing with the nervous system state, like I said, it has to include all nervous systems involved and it has to be able to help create safety for everyone. And this is exactly why movement is possible from this place, because when you're in connection and everyone's feeling safe enough and grounded, then you have access to problem solving and creative thinking and trying new things. And I can absolutely attest to my own experience that there were doors, I'll say metaphorically speaking, that appeared over the last several years in certain situations where in the past I had no idea what to do. I was so stuck. I didn't know what else to do besides what I was doing. But as Ben and I came into more regulation and again, more safety and more connection, all of a sudden these ideas came to me like, oh, I could respond this way. I could say this, I could do that. And it was astounding to me, honestly, when this first started happening. I remember like, wait, why didn't I ever think of that before? You know? But it was because of this shift in including my nervous system safety and being able to support Ben in a way that I felt was still supportive. I want to support him just like I want to support my kids or my friends, my clients, the people in my life, the whole world, as a matter of fact. But I don't want to support everyone else at my own expense because that's really not serving anybody. So I encourage you to play around with this. And you're welcome to contact me on social media and reach out. And I'm sure I'll talk more about this on future episodes. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.