The Space to Come Back: How Relational Safety Changes Family Conflict

What if stepping back during conflict isn’t avoidance… but the very thing that creates space for repair? 

In this episode, I share two very ordinary but deeply meaningful moments from my own family that highlighted just how much relational safety, nervous system awareness, and repair have changed the way my husband, Ben, and I move through conflict. 

One moment involved tension between Ben and our teenage son after a frustrating situation at a water park. Another involved a vulnerable conversation between Ben and me that quickly started moving toward defensiveness and disconnection. In both situations, something important happened:

Instead of escalating, we created space to come back. 

This episode is not about perfect communication, never getting dysregulated, or avoiding hard feelings. It’s about what becomes possible when relational safety is prioritized enough that repair, accountability, learning, and reconnection can actually happen.

Because nervous system safety is not about suppressing conflict.  It’s about creating the conditions where growth becomes possible. 

In this episode, we explore:

• What relational safety can look like in everyday family conflict
• Why dysregulation changes how we hear and respond to each other
• The difference between escalation and creating space for repair
• How nervous system awareness shifts parenting and partnership dynamics
• Why stepping back is sometimes more relational than pushing forward
• The importance of trusting people to self-regulate and return
• How long-term relational patterns can begin to shift over time
• Why being relational does not mean avoiding hard conversations
• How repair and reconnection can become the new pattern in a family

Relational growth is often much quieter than people expect.

Sometimes it looks like pausing instead of pushing.
Sometimes it looks like creating enough safety for someone to come back.
And sometimes it looks like realizing that moments which once led to days or months of disconnection can now move through with more connection, care, and repair.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Relational Growth Without Fireworks

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. Sometimes relational growth doesn't look dramatic. It may look like a difficult moment not turning into a disaster. Or after a moment of defensiveness, someone choosing to come back to connect. It may be a moment where a parent takes pause before unintentionally sending a message of shame instead of support. Or it may be two people realizing that they're handling something in a much different way than they would have years before. And this week I had a couple of moments with my husband Ben and our 14-year-old son that really reminded me of that. Not that we've grown into being perfect humans in any way, but now we know that nervous system regulation, relational safety, and repair can change the way a family moves through hard moments together. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started.

Expanded Empathy Through Nervous Systems

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Over the last few episodes, I've been talking, as I often do, about nervous system regulation and relational safety, and specifically how it pertains to an expanded version of empathy, and how including nervous system language and nervous system awareness in empathy can really be key for change. And over the past week, I've had a couple of experiences that really highlighted how my husband, Ben, and I have come to handle things so much differently than we once did. And not because we don't get dysregulated anymore, or that we no longer become defensive, or that hard moments don't happen for us anymore, because none of that is true at all. But we have done so much work individually and together, and we continue to do this work. And as a result, the way we move through difficult situations has changed in a fundamental way. And I have to be honest, I was feeling very, very proud of us this week. And I thought it could be helpful to share the relational growth in real life that I noticed happening because it wasn't perfection or endless patience or complete and total zen and handling everything with ease and grace. But it was about relational safety being prioritized so that there could be a space where we could come back together, where repair could happen and growth had a chance.

Water Park Conflict With A Teen

SPEAKER_00 2:08

So the first situation involved our 14-year-old son. We were all at a water park, and while I wasn't present for the beginning of the interaction between Ben and our son, I did see the end of the interaction, and I was pretty quickly able to connect all the dots and figure out what had happened. We were getting ready to leave for the day, and Ben and our son went to the changing area, and our son was either in a rush to get his phone, which, if you know teenagers, makes total sense that he was eager to get his phone back after having it in the locker for a few hours, or maybe he was just in a rush to get out of the water park, which also made sense because we had been there for a while. But either way, he had, from Ben's perspective, hastily grabbed the bag of clothes and accidentally spilled out the valuables, which led to Ben's wallet, keys, and phone being spilled out all across the wet and, may I say, gross floor of the changing room. So when I saw Ben coming back from the changing rooms without our son, he was clearly angry. And when he told me what happened, I certainly could understand because I would have been pretty grossed out having all of my valuables strewn about on the floor as well. And I also understood our son's eagerness to get ready and get out of the water park. So both sides of the frustration made sense to me. I also realized that Ben's frustration, which was bordering on some rage, or at least the story I told myself that my nervous system was experiencing, felt like some rageful energy in there. I knew that that was not going to create an environment where we could help our son learn how to slow down a little bit and take his time, or even just figure out exactly what had happened. Because of course, at this point, I hadn't actually talked to my son and heard his perspective either. But I knew that we were not in a state of relational safety. And I knew that in that moment there was no way that Ben was going to be able to convey the message he wanted to convey to our son. And I strongly suspected, knowing the dynamic between Ben and our son, and of course, knowing my son, that Ben's approach in that moment would likely have created shame and defensiveness and more anger in our son, even though that was certainly not Ben's intention to do. And that's not really how I wanted things to go down because I've seen that dynamic happen before. And I was hoping that we could do things in a new way. So I started by validating Ben and his frustration and empathizing with him in the expanded way that I've been talking about, understanding and feeling with him while also validating his nervous system experience, but not fully staying in the story only of the experience. So I told him that I totally understood his frustration and it made complete sense that having everything land on the gross dirty floor would get him all heated up and riled up. And of course, it made sense that he wanted our son to be more careful in his approach and that all made sense. And I got that he was dysregulated from all of that. And then I added this very simple little reminder that our children's safety is what matters most. And that little sentence really mattered a lot because what I was trying to do was shift the nervous system state underneath what was going on, not to dismiss Ben's frustration or say he shouldn't be angry, and not because our son's behavior didn't matter and didn't need to be addressed in some way. But I know that nervous system safety matters first and bringing everyone back into a safe enough, more grounded perspective was key in getting anything to change. Because when nervous systems are overwhelmed, learning stops happening. We no longer get the messages we hear through a distorted lens. And I knew that my son was not going to hear anything helpful from the way that things were going in that particular moment. Years ago, I may have felt overly responsible for calming Ben down, and I may have tried to work with him to try to regulate for him or with him, or I may have gotten fed up with Ben's feelings and anger altogether. And I may have overly focused on supporting our son and feeling like I needed to protect him from Ben. Even though, just to be very clear, Ben was not yelling, screaming. He certainly wasn't hitting anything, throwing anything. He wasn't acting out in any significant way. I could just feel energetically that he was frustrated. So nothing that was grossly inappropriate was happening in any way. But my system and Ben's system, we've been communicating for 22 years, and we certainly have a history of a dynamic. Again, not necessarily where things were getting to a level of violence, but where my nervous system certainly has felt attacked. And of course, his has also felt attacked. And for sure, our son's has as well. So I was aware that all of this was happening and I no longer felt the way that I used to feel. This time I focused on my own self-regulation, trusting that everything was actually going to be okay in probably just a few minutes. So I was able to take a breath and stay calm. And I was able to validate Ben as well as give that gentle reminder that safety is really what mattered first. And I was able to trust Ben that he was going to take care of himself, that this was just a little bump in the road and that he was going to be able to self-regulate. And if he needed any support, he could certainly let me know. Then I calmly went to the changing room to look for our son. And he opened up the door of one of the rooms and he looked at me and he immediately smiled and he gave me a big hug. And I basically told him, hey, listen, nothing catastrophic happened. We can talk about this all later on. And in that moment, I knew that our son's nervous system had registered my nervous system as safe enough, which is what allowed him to smile and give me a hug in that moment. And I also did something that in the past I probably would not have done, which is that I didn't take that moment to dive into a big conversation. Like I said, I literally was like, hey, nothing catastrophic occurred and we can talk about it later. And part of the reason I did that is because number one, I didn't want to launch into something that might be overwhelming to my son without his consent and permission. And also, it wasn't really my repair to make. And I trusted Ben to be able to make that repair. And again, if he felt like he needed my support, I trusted him to let me know and ask

A Misread Comment Between Partners

SPEAKER_00 8:00

for it. The second situation I felt really proud about this week was something that happened just between Ben and I. We were talking about an upcoming social event, and the conversation sort of just went in this way where I ended up making a comment about what I perceive as Ben's lack of self-care. And in truth, I didn't say it in a way that I intended any judgment. I wasn't trying to be critical or shaming at all. Underneath what I was talking about was some level of concern that I wish that he would take better care of himself. And even in knowing that that desire for Ben to take better care of himself lives inside of me, in that specific conversation, there was actually even a deeper purpose. The reason it even got mentioned at all is because I was actually making a parallel between Ben and our friends, and I was trying to explore something actually entirely different. I had some curiosity around something he said, and I conveyed that curiosity in a way that ended up landing badly for Ben because he perceived it as a criticism and a judgment about what I was labeling as his lack of self-care. And I immediately could feel Ben become defensive, and I totally understood what was going on, and I got that I sort of stepped into a spot that I should not have stepped into, and that the conversation kind of got a little twisted and got away from where I had intended for it to go because I knew we were going into a vulnerable topic and I know how easy it is to feel criticized, especially if someone has insecurity or some old shame feelings around the topic. And I knew we were on the outskirts of something that could be sensitive for Ben. So even though there was a part of me that wanted to explain and I started to try a bit to explain, but I could see that that wasn't going well because as I've talked about in many other episodes, when there's dysregulation, people are hearing through a filter. And also my system probably at some points was going into its own sympathetic, defensive self-protection place. Again, because as I mentioned earlier with our son, Ben and I, our nervous systems know these old dynamics. And so there was a familiarity about what was happening. And I knew a part of me was like feeling a little need to self-protect, but also there was a part of me that was really grounded that was like, okay, hold back, don't escalate this situation. There's no need. We will be able to address it when both of us are more regulated and we're both feeling safe enough and able to connect again. So I tried not to focus on defending myself or making Ben understand, which is definitely an old pattern of ours where I tried to explain myself. And the more I explain myself, the more dysregulated and frustrated Ben gets. So I pulled back as much as I could, which in certain moments was hard because Ben was still frustrated and he was still saying things, and some of them landed in a way for me where I wanted to explain, like, that's not what I said, or that's not what I meant, or that was not how the conversation actually went. And I probably did say at certain point some things like that, but I tried to take a breath and disengage as much as possible. And I did say to him something like, Hey, this is not a good time to have this conversation because clearly dysregulation is present. And so I tried to let him know that I wasn't just abandoning him, that I was just pulling back while we were in this moment of dysregulation. And after a couple of minutes, he stepped away himself and he went to go take a little breather of his own. And within just a couple of minutes, he came back and immediately said that he was sorry and that he realized that he took something really personally. And I was able to also take accountability and say, yeah, I totally get that. I went into a vulnerable space and we can dialogue about that at another time. It was late at night and it didn't really make sense for us to dialogue about that at the moment. But I do think that it'll be a very helpful dialogue for us to have. So that's on the table for us to discuss at some point soon.

Backing Off So Repair Can Happen

SPEAKER_00 11:26

But here's the thing that really struck me in both of these situations. When I backed off, when I took a step back, Ben didn't get more dysregulated and fly off the handle or disappear, or I don't know what my fear in the past was that he would do. But nothing terrible happened. He actually came back and he came back more regulated, more connected, more available, and with the ability to make repairs that were needed, which created a space for the reconnecting for both of us to occur and with our son for the reconnection to take place as well for him. And this is what relational safety really makes happen when you practice it over time. It doesn't mean that ruptures will never happen, but it means that the ability to return, to reconnect and repair starts to become the norm. And you can actually start to expect that things are going to be okay, that this will get resolved, even if it doesn't get resolved exactly in this moment. And years ago, I am quite sure that both of these situations would have gone very differently. I'm sure they would have gotten much more dysregulated. They would have lasted much, much longer. There would have been so much more disconnection that possibly could have lasted days or weeks. And for Ben and I, we had a very bad habit for many, many years of going into disconnect for very long stretches, even months, where we would have perhaps little moments of relational safety where we could connect, but we had long, painful stretches of disconnection. And today we figured out how to move through those moments in a completely different way. Not instantaneously and not magically, but relationally connected and together and in partnership.

What Relational Safety Is Not

SPEAKER_00 13:05

And I do want to mention here that when people talk about nervous system regulation or relational safety, I think that there's a lot of misinformation out there and also a lot of misinterpretation around these concepts. Because I think that there are assumptions that to be regulated or to have relational safety, it means that people can never be upset or be dysregulated or deal with hard things or express hard feelings, or that they should never have conflict and they have to always be zen and calm and happy all the time. And that also brings up lots of ideas of in order to be emotionally safe or to be regulated, people need to be avoidant. And I probably can talk about that point on another episode because I think it's a very important point. But that is not what I'm talking about at all. Being relational doesn't mean avoiding hard things and hard feelings in any way. It means staying oriented towards connection or keeping your eye on how to reconnect while you're navigating the hard things and the hard feelings. And it means recognizing that safety is the primary goal, not the only goal, but knowing that when there is safety, that is when you have the possibility for change and for growth to occur. And it's not about choosing the collective or the whole over the needs of an individual. It's about making safety and care and growth possible for everyone in the whole through self-awareness and holding awareness of the other as well. So really it's valuing both the individual and the whole and seeing how they impact one another, knowing that both people matter. And in the case with our son, knowing that all of us matter, all of our nervous systems, all of our experiences matter, all of our realities matter. And we don't have to be in a power struggle of who matters more or the most. Coming to the situation in this relational way with this empathy for the story in some capacity, and also for the nervous system states of everyone involved in the situations, we were able to create that space where safety was possible enough for everyone to be able to come back and reconnect. And again, not because we handled everything perfectly and not because no one got activated or dysregulated, because obviously there was dysregulation present in all of us in certain degrees, but we were able to hold all of that for all of us in such a way that we were able to navigate those situations really well in just a few minutes. And that is what led us to the opportunity for growth or the behavior change or the new thing to happen, the new learning to happen in such a way that in the future these kinds of situations won't happen exactly in the same way again. And so the important thing is for us to be able to intentionally and purposefully create the conditions for our nervous system where that opportunity is possible. Because when someone is flooded with overwhelm and guilt and shame and frustration and anger and self-hatred and judgment and criticism and all of those things, their capacity to be able to hear and see and value and empathize and validate with anyone else is greatly diminished. So connection is not possible. Seeing someone else's perspective is not possible, problem solving is not possible. And that's where everything breaks down because it becomes that power struggle that I mentioned of whose needs matter the most and who gets to be tended to. Whereas being relational creates a space where everyone can actually be tended to and cared for. And that's the brilliance of relational safety. Because when you prioritize safety, you create an opening, an access point where you can start to create the relationships that you really want to

Small Practices That Prevent Big Disconnects

SPEAKER_00 16:37

have. So one of the things that I want to leave you with today is the idea that relational growth can be less exciting or thrilling than some people may hope for it to be or want it to be. It often happens in quiet little moments without fireworks. It could look like someone pausing instead of forcing or pushing a conversation. It could be validating someone's frustration without accidentally also validating a behavior that might be harmful. It may be trusting someone to go take a moment away so that they can regulate and allow them space to come back on their own when they're ready. It also could be realizing that you don't have to be responsible for everything. And then if you take a step back, things can still end up totally okay. And sometimes it means noticing a situation that could have caused days or weeks or months of disconnection in the past, being moved through today with more ease, connection, and safety for everyone. And I'm proud and deeply grateful to say that those are the moments that I was able to notice this week. So I encourage you to go slowly in tough moments, take pause and breath when you can and see how you can orient yourself towards reconnecting and creating safety for yourself and your partner.

One Small Step Invitation And Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 17:50

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments. Because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.