Regulation Is Not Calm: The Truth About Nervous System Wellness

What if nervous system regulation has far less to do with staying calm all the time… and much more to do with flexibility, awareness, and repair?

In this episode, I unpack some of the biggest myths and misunderstandings I see surrounding nervous system regulation, polyvagal theory, and relational safety, including the widespread belief that being “regulated” means being endlessly calm, emotionally steady, and zen all the time.

From both a clinical and personal perspective, I explore how these misconceptions can unintentionally reinforce perfectionism, emotional suppression, shame, conflict avoidance, and disconnection, even in people who are genuinely trying to heal and improve their relationships.

Because nervous system wellness is not about never getting activated.
And relational safety is not about never experiencing conflict.

True nervous system wellness is about flexibility:
The ability to move through activation consciously, recover more effectively, and return to connection with yourself and others.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why regulation does not simply mean “being calm”
• The difference between emotional suppression and true nervous system regulation
• Why healthy nervous systems are designed to shift states
• How perfectionism and wellness culture can distort nervous system healing
• Why being upset does not mean you failed or “aren’t healed”
• The relational dangers of avoidance, self-silencing, and pseudo-calmness
• How awareness creates more choice and flexibility in relationships
• Why repair matters more than never becoming dysregulated
• What relational safety actually means (and what it does not mean)
• How nervous system wellness supports deeper connection, authenticity, and growth

You can be regulated and still feel angry.
Regulated and grieving.
Regulated and activated.

Because regulation is not emotional perfection.
It’s the ability to stay connected to yourself and others while moving through the full range of human experience.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Why Regulation Gets Misunderstood

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. What if nervous system wellness has far less to do with staying calm all the time and much more to do with flexibility, awareness, and repair? I believe one of the biggest misunderstandings happening today around the ideas of nervous system regulation, polyvagal theory, and relational safety is that people think that being regulated means being calm, steady, at ease, almost being zen all the time. And that just isn't true at all. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. In the last episode, I touched on the idea that I believe that there's a lot of misconceptions and misinterpretations out there about nervous system regulation and also about relational safety and what those things really mean and certainly what they really look like in day-to-day life. And I wanted to take a moment in today's episode to really examine some of those misconceptions and even what I would call myths, and I wanted to unpack those a little bit more deeply with you today. From my perspective, both clinically and personally, nervous system wellness is one of the absolute most important things for everyone to truly understand because it is actually our nervous system that shapes the whole entire way that we experience our world. So nervous system wellness is incredibly important, yet it's also incredibly misunderstood. And I think some of the things that I see happening in the world today and out there in conversations about nervous system regulation, which I'm happy there are so many conversations happening about the topic. But at the same time, I think that for people who are learning about nervous system regulation and internalizing some of these myths, there is a risk of using the concept of nervous system regulation and wellness to support perfectionism and emotional suppression and even shame. And people who are genuinely trying to do their absolute best to feel better and to improve their relationships may unconsciously or even consciously be weaponizing these concepts either against themselves or against their partner. And I actually think that the truth about nervous system wellness is so much more non-judgmental, non-critical, human, and absolutely freeing. And that's what I want to share with you

What Nervous System Wellness Is

SPEAKER_00 2:17

today. So before I start to go over the myths one by one, I do want to talk about what nervous system wellness really and truly is. Nervous system wellness does not actually mean staying in that ventral, grounded, safe enough state. Certainly, our ventral state is generally considered a more desirable state to be in by the experience of it because we in fact feel safer and more grounded. So of course, that is more desirable. But to stay in that state all the time, in other words, to be stuck in that ventral state would be no more healthy for us than if we were to be stuck in that sympathetic fight or flight state or that dorsal shutdown state. The goal of being human can't possibly be to permanently exist in a state of absolute calm, groundedness, and safety. It just can't be. We live in a world where threat and danger exists, and our system is designed and wired to help protect us, and it needs to be able to do that. And so nervous system wellness is so much more about flexibility, being able to move into the necessary and needed state in any given moment and to be able to return back to ventral when the perceived or actual threat is over. It's also about the awareness of what state we're in, because our nervous system works on a non-conscious level. So we're not aware naturally of what state our nervous system is in in any given moment. However, it's something that we absolutely can learn to make conscious. And by being made more conscious, this is true in many psychological concepts, having more awareness often leads to having more choice. So when we notice that our system has left ventral, understanding why that is, what we need, how we can protect ourselves, and also having the skills and knowledge of what helps us get back to that safe enough place is absolutely vital and of course a hallmark of what nervous system health really is about. Getting stuck in sympathetic fight or flight can become an anxiety diagnosis. And getting stuck in dorsal can become a diagnosis of depression. However, when our nervous system is working well and as it's intended, we don't get stuck in those places. We're able to shift and shift back because we need to mobilize sometimes. And sometimes we need to rest and recover. And that is what our nervous system is designed to do. And when our nervous systems are healthy, that is what our nervous system is actually able to do. Moving into self-protection is not a failure or a negative. It's simply a part of being human. And so we don't want a nervous system that stays in the same state all the time, even if that state is ventral, because then our system couldn't do what it was intended and designed to do. So I

Myth One Regulation Means Calm

SPEAKER_00 4:52

want to get into talking about the myths one by one so I can get into clearing up any misinformation that you may be sitting with and hopefully help you use nervous system information in a way that actually supports your own wellness journey. I think one of the absolute biggest myths that's out there about nervous system regulation is that regulation means calm. And while calmness may sometimes come with ventral energy when you're feeling safe enough, when you're feeling grounded, of course, you may also sometimes feel calm and you can be regulated and feel angry, or you can be regulated and feel grief. And you certainly can be regulated when you're in an active and energized place as well. Regulation does not mean zen. It means that when you're having the emotional experience you're having in any given moment, whatever it is, you still stay anchored in feeling safe enough. So, in other words, to be regulated and have any challenging, difficult or deep emotional experience, you're able to be with that feeling in such a way that it doesn't feel like a threat. Because it's when those big feelings or difficult feelings are experienced as a threat that our system may lose that anchor and ventral and go into a dysregulated or self-protective state. You can still set boundaries, protest something that doesn't feel right, take action to support something that's important to you, leave a harmful situation, cry, even raise your voice, all from a regulated place. Regulation has nothing to do with being passive or suppressing your emotions. And if you listen to the last episode when I was talking about the situations that happened between Ben and I, one had to do with our son as well. I was frustrated in the situation when Ben came out of the locker room at the water park and I could see how mad he was, and I found out what had happened. I was frustrated about the situation. However, I was also super regulated. And because of that, I was able to respond in a way where I was able to get my point across in a way that I actually wanted to convey it. I wasn't critical of Ben. I was actually able to validate and support his experience. And I wasn't overly protective of Ben or our son. I trusted that they were able to take care of themselves and their relationship with each other. And I was able to step back and know that if they needed me, they could ask for help. And part of me being able to stay regulated not only was certainly a better experience for me, but also because my nervous system was in that safe enough place, Ben was able to receive me better because his nervous system didn't read me as a threat. I wasn't coming off with criticism or judgment, which certainly in the past and still from time to time now, of course, my frustration when dysregulated can come off in those negative and attacking ways towards Ben. And also, if you listen to the episode from last week, I talked about how when I went to the locker room to find my son in that particular situation, as soon as he saw me, he smiled and put his arms out for a hug. I knew in that moment that I was regulated, not only just because I could feel it in myself, but because I could see how my son was able to receive me, that he knew that I was safe enough. Our nervous systems are always in communication. And if you're dysregulated, even a little bit, which is another important thing to know, even a little bit of dysregulation is in fact dysregulation and sensitive nervous systems, and especially for nervous systems that have a history of trauma or attachment wounding or highly sensitive nervous systems, which can happen for a variety of reasons. And sometimes we're just born with systems that are a little bit more sensitive to things. They are truly and deeply attuned to what all the cues of safety and danger that are happening in a particular moment. And so regulation, even when you're feeling angry or frustrated or any other difficult feeling, is so incredibly important because it helps you maintain connection with the other people in your life and it helps you communicate better than when you're dysregulated.

Co Regulation In Real Life

SPEAKER_00 8:33

The second myth that I want to talk about is the idea that we should be regulated all the time. And this connects to what I talked about in the opening of the episode. It's not biologically possible or desirable to be completely regulated all the time. And if you hold that as the standard, that you should be calm and ready to respond to any and all of life's challenges with grace and ease, you're probably going to find yourself failing a lot. And that can create such enormous shame. So please, please have some self-compassion. I also invite you to have some compassion for your partner and realize that life can be activating. Relationships, parenting, certainly grieving, times of transition, times of change, all of these things and more can create the imbalance in the safety-danger equation that our nervous system is always registering. It's constantly looking inside of ourselves, in our external environment, and in our relationship between people and weighing out the scales, how much safety is present and how much danger is present. And sometimes the danger scale is going to weigh more. And your system, thankfully, is designed to go into action in those moments. And it's again biologically necessary for this to happen because when you're in situations of threat, you want a system that goes into self-protection so that you can react really, really quickly to take care of yourself and the people that you love around you. There's absolutely no shame in that. So shifting your goal from having a perfectly regulated system all the time, which again is not an attainable goal, to being able to have more awareness of what state you're in and being able to respond to a situation as it needs to be responded to in the present moment and then be able to recover and find your way back to that ventral, safe enough, grounded place is a much more human, compassionate, and attainable goal. So instead

Myth Two Regulated All The Time

SPEAKER_00 10:23

of getting frustrated with yourself or again, your partner or your kids or your friends or coworkers about dysregulation happening, instead, you can ask questions like, can you notice that your state shifted sooner? What would have needed to happen for you to have been able to have awareness a few moments earlier? And of course, I've been talking about repair a lot on recent episodes, but can you repair more quickly? And as I've mentioned in previous episodes, the health of a relationship is not about whether dysregulation happens, because it's going to happen. It's actually about how quickly you're able to repair. And part of that, of course, is getting back to that safe enough, more grounded place. Very closely related to the last myth of thinking that regulation is something that you have to do perfectly. On the flip side of that is thinking that if you get upset or if you were dysregulated, particularly if you acted out from that place of dysregulation, and thinking that that means that you're failing in some way or that you haven't healed or recovered, or you're right back where you started from. And I think that this absolutely happens in intimate partner relationships, but I see this burden frequently with parents, thinking that there's something wrong with them because they got activated in relationship to something that happened with their kids. Of course, there's always room for growth and healing. And again, the more conscious we become and the more we start to notice our shifting states, the more we can react in a way that's conscious. And that means that we can make a choice that is in alignment with our values and our goals and has a greater chance of getting us to where we want to be. So of course, there's room for growth. There's also a lot of room and absolute need for compassion. Having feelings is not evidence of failure. Again, it just means that you're human. And as I have been talking about in my repair episodes that I've had recently, it is not a failure to be activated. And certainly understanding what activated you can be helpful in the process. But the most important part of most ruptures in relationship is actually getting to that repair place. So after I was activated, what did I do next, or what can I do now that I noticed I was activated? And over time, when you are looking for these things, you can start to notice patterns. Do you tend to escalate or collapse or attack, disappear, or fall into shame? And the information that you get from these questions is not additional judgment, criticism, or reason to feel further shame. It's good information to inform how you take care of yourself and your nervous system. And figuring out the answers to those questions can help you get back into connection with yourself and with those that you love around you.

Zen Culture And Avoidance

SPEAKER_00 12:48

The next myth, again, I've mentioned this idea already, but I want to be really explicit that being zen all the time is not the goal. And people who seem to be zen all the time are not necessarily doing it better than you. I fear that in our growing wellness culture, which I think overall is a really good thing that we have a growing wellness culture, but I fear that the standard, this inhuman way of being, this totally calm and zen person all the time is really dangerous. There are studies on monks who spend so much of their time meditating. And it has been found out that they also have feelings and experience dysregulation because they also have nervous systems. But what is different for them is how quickly they can return to that more balanced and grounded state. And part of the danger in this is not only the shame that I've mentioned before and the often negative self-talk that can come with this, but if you think that you have to stay calm all the time, you might end up actually falling into avoidance and trying to let things quote unquote roll off your back because you think that the goal is to be zen all the time, and you think to do that, it means not dealing with hard things. And there's an enormous relational danger in this. Being numb is not the same thing as nervous system regulation. And avoiding conflict doesn't actually create safety, just like avoiding hard conversations in no way translates to relational wellness. People can look really fine on the outside and be a total dysregulated mess on the inside. There's also really interesting studies that have to do with heart rate and things like that that show that sometimes when people on the outside look like they're handling things just fine, they're actually having incredible spikes in their heart rate because inside things are going berserk because they're having an emotional experience that they're ignoring. And I can tell you from my own very personal experience, this has been me for so much of my life. I have been able to put on a happy face and smile through just about anything. This goes back to my childhood. I can tell you a story from when I was 10 or 11 years old and I accidentally cut my hand pretty badly. And I was calling my mom and I was very calm. I don't remember exactly what I said, probably just like, hey, mom, like come quick and bring a towel or something like that. And my mom came running and she said then that she knew because of my calmness that something was really wrong. And that has been a pattern that I have been able to hold and maintain for a long time. And I suspect that perhaps in part that has something to do with my neurodivergence, because it is often said, and I strongly identify with this, that ADHD brains can thrive in chaos. And I definitely feel that way, that I can become really calm in the midst of chaos. And sometimes that's really helpful. And if I can find an anchor in that ventral place, wonderful. However, so much of the time, what I was actually doing was not anchored in ventral at all. It was absolute numbness and avoidance and pretending that everything was fine when it absolutely wasn't. And this was completely damaging to my system. Whereas the example I talked about in the water park, I was frustrated and I was saying things to Ben and communicating that it was really important to prioritize our son's safety. And I was having feelings and it was totally appropriate. And I was way more regulated than so many times in my life when I've chosen to be silent because a part of me felt safer in avoiding the conflict than actually dealing with it. So it can be very easy to confuse calm with regulation if you're judging from the outside, but know that it's totally okay to be activated and even to be off balance sometimes, and that somebody who looks like they may be cool, calm, collected, or rational a lot of the time may actually have a huge amount of dysregulation going on on the inside that could be really taxing their physical body. It causes stress and inflammation, cardiac issues, and so much more. So handling things and feeling your feelings is so much healthier than avoiding them and seeming like you've got everything under control. And I do want to be very clear that those responses of self-silencing or being really accommodating to people around you or getting very quiet, that's nothing to shame either. Those are hardwired, biologically driven actions of self-protection. And so there's no reason to shame yourself when you have that experience. But again, this is probably getting redundant. Awareness and consciousness is really where you want to go and the goal. Because when you're more aware, you have more choice and you can look at a situation and say, why am I going into the self-protective place? Is there danger present? How can I protect myself in a way that really works relationally? And again, I've mentioned this many times before. I'm not talking about instrumental violence and domestic violence situations. But when you're in a situation where you notice you go quiet, looking at what's happening so you could be more connected and navigate the situation better and differently is so important because then there can be more resentment, more disconnection, more emotional drain, and of course lead to larger and deeper ruptures that can be harder and harder to fix. So, from a relational perspective, being able to address these things from a place that's anchored and that ventral space becomes much more healthy for the relationship. And this is a really tiny example, but it happened to me yesterday and it was such a clear indicator of like, oh, this is still an area that I need to grow in. But I was in an online class and someone had their mic open and they didn't realize it and they were doing something that was making like a cooking sound. It sounded like they were typing. I'm not sure if that's what they were doing, but it was distracting. And again, they didn't know it. And one of the other people put in the chat, hey, please notice that your mic is open. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I could have done that, right? I could have expressed my want for them to close their mic as well. And the two people ended up having a really nice discussion because the person who had her mic open felt bad. And then the person who asked for the mic to get closed was like, Oh, hey, like I hope I didn't scold you or something like that. And I jumped in and I said, Hey, uh, I actually really admire the fact that you asked for the mic to be shut off. I really appreciated that. And also, it was not a huge deal that the mic was on. It was totally understandable that the person just made a little mistake. She thought that it was off and that was it. And it was such a clear little tiny itsy bitsy moment, very little dysregulation and no giant disruption to my life whatsoever, but a little moment of like, ah, I still have a tendency to stay quiet and not express my needs. And that was not me being more regulated and more calm and me letting things roll off my back, even though I wasn't so incredibly bothered by the sound of the typing, but it was an old pattern of me not taking action to take care of myself. And again, tiny, tiny scale, but still significant. And I just kind of cataloged it for myself and I was like, oh, okay, I'll continue to be more aware of this so I can continue to grow in this area. While

Relational Safety Is Co Created

SPEAKER_00 19:34

I'm talking about the myths around nervous system regulation, I also just want to bring in the concepts that I've been talking about also quite a bit about relational safety. So I can be very clear about some important key points about that as well. Just like nervous system regulation does not mean always being calm. Having relational safety does not mean that people are never upset or no one ever gets triggered or defensive or disconnection never occurs. And of course, it also does not mean that there's never conflict. Relational safety is not an absolute thing. It's something that we have to be aware of. And as I've talked about so much over recent episodes, relational safety is something that has to be co-created. So when the conflict happens, or the trigger, or the self-protection, or the defense, or the big feeling, whatever it is, the goal is for both people involved in the situation or however many people are involved to take note of where their nervous system is, to be able to see what they need, to feel safe enough, and then to be able to come back into connection with the other or others in order to repair. And relational safety is not something that someone else can create and give to another person. And when I say that, I often hear things like I don't feel safe in my relationship or my partner doesn't make me feel safe. And again, I'm not talking about domestic violence situations. I'm talking about emotional situations, which certainly there can be emotional violence as well. But again, not talking about that. But emotional safety must be created together. It's not something that one person can do for another person. And there's also inherent risk in connecting. You might be vulnerable or share something and it might feel scary. And being able to stretch and create enough safety in the environment where you can try to stretch into that place is part of what relational health looks like. And it is not any one person's job in an intimate partner relationship to be completely attuned and responsible for the other person's emotional well-being or emotional comfort. Or is it realistic for one person to carry the weight of creating emotional safety and relational safety for both partners all the time? Much like with nervous system regulation, when it comes to relational safety, being aware and conscious and noticing what's happening in the present moment, and then having knowledge about what helps you come back to that safe enough place, to that connected place. Some of the questions are what helps me feel safe enough? What helps me feel more grounded in a biological way? What actually helps my system feel that way? With relational safety, the questions are similar. What helps me get back into feeling safe enough together? What helps me come back into connection so we can. Navigate this situation together. So when it comes to relationships, again, it's not valuable to try to never get activated. It is a goal that you will absolutely fail in time. Certainly within time, with growth, with conversation, with healing, you will find that there are certain situations that you don't get activated by anymore. And that's great. That's fantastic. And when that happens, that's wonderful and you can celebrate that. But it's not realistic to try to never get activated or for there to never be some sort of rupture. It is far more useful to think about when activation does inevitably happen. How can you be with it in a moment without disconnecting from yourself or others? How do you not lose yourself or disconnect so completely? These are very different frameworks, and I find them to be much more helpful. So in listening to this episode, I really hope you can take away the idea that you can have absolutely any feeling from a regulated place. Regulation does not mean calm and completely zen all the time. You can have absolutely any emotional experience from a grounded, safe enough place and have your system be in that ventral anchored place. And you will also experience dysregulation from time to time because that's how our systems work. And that is totally okay. Nervous system wellness is about flexibility, moving between states and knowing how to get back to feeling safe and being able to be responsive when you're not feeling safe because there's a reason why your system's not feeling safe. And whether that's a reason that's happening in the present moment or whether it's something that's connected to something old that has happened in the past, which of course is part of what shapes our nervous system as well. Either way, it's valid and it's important to respond, not ignore. And this is a huge part in our wellness journey and in recovery and healing. And being more aware allows us to have more choice and allows us to take better care of ourselves and our relationships. And one of the things I love so much about polyvagal theory and nervous system wellness is that it is not about judgment at all. And it is not about being critical of ourselves or our systems. It's about truly understanding what we need, how to take care of ourselves and the relationships that we have and the others around us. And I find that to be incredibly hopeful. And I hope you do too. As

Take One Step Forward

SPEAKER_00 24:17

our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.