When Your Person Doesn't Feel Like Your Person: The Longing Beneath the Hurt

Why can a seemingly small moment with the person you love hurt so much more than a similar moment with almost anyone else?

In this episode, I explore what happens when the person who feels like your person doesn't respond in the way you're hoping they will.

What began as a conversation with my husband Ben about some feedback I received on an exciting new project quickly became something much deeper. While the feedback itself wasn't particularly negative, and Ben wasn't trying to hurt me, I found myself feeling unsupported, unseen, and unexpectedly wounded.

Through an Imago and nervous-system-informed lens, I explore why moments of disconnection can feel so painful in our closest relationships and how those moments often touch old places within us that long to feel seen, valued, supported, and like we belong.

This episode also introduces a small piece of what I think of as the connection paradox: our deep human need for connection and belonging, alongside our equally deep fear of being hurt in relationship.

Because often, the conflict we're having isn't really about the conflict.

Beneath frustration, disappointment, criticism, and defensiveness is frequently a deeper longing, one that has been with us for a very long time.

And sometimes, naming that longing is exactly what opens the door to repair.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why the people we love most have the greatest capacity to hurt us
• How moments of disconnection can activate old wounds and protective responses
• The connection paradox: longing for connection while fearing it at the same time
• Why romantic relationships often bring unfinished emotional experiences to the surface
• How the Imago concept of the power struggle can be understood as growth trying to happen
• The difference between intention and impact in relationships
• What happens when two nervous systems move into self-protection
• Why feeling unsupported can hurt even when no harm was intended
• The deeper needs that often exist beneath conflict and criticism
• How identifying a vulnerable longing can create movement toward repair
• Why support does not always mean agreement
• How sharing vulnerability can transform relational conflict

Sometimes the deepest hurt isn't about what was said.

It's about what we were longing for.

And when we can identify that longing, and share it with the people we love, we create the possibility for greater understanding, deeper connection, and meaningful repair.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

When Love Hits A Tender Spot

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the When Depression is in your bed podcast. Have you ever noticed that the people whose love and support matter to you the most are often the very same people who have the most ability to hurt your feelings? Not because they're trying to, not because they're a bad partner, not because they're a bad person, but because when someone matters deeply to us, moments of disconnection can touch us in very old and very tender places. This week I experienced exactly that with Ben, and it led me to some very important reflections about connection, belonging, and what happens when the person who feels like your person doesn't react the way you're hoping that they will. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. I had originally planned on doing an episode this week about what I think of as the connection paradox. And I still want to do that because I think it's an incredibly important topic, especially for people who are dealing with depression or living with neurodivergence, or if they have a history of relational trauma or attachment wounding. The connection paradox is this: we desperately long for connection. We need connection and we're wired for it biologically. Connection helps us survive and thrive. And at the same time, many of us are terrified of connection

The Connection Paradox Explained

SPEAKER_00 1:13

because it has been in connection, in relationship where we have been hurt. So there is a constant tension between the longing for connection and the fear of connection, between wanting to belong and wanting to protect ourselves. These ideas are foundational in Imago relationship therapy and theory, which is what I'm trained in and what I practice and what deeply resonates for me. So while I do think I will do a full episode on the larger topic soon, this week I had an experience with Ben that felt like a smaller piece of this bigger story. And it gave me some clarity about something that I think is important about relationships, support, and why it can hurt so much when the people we love do something or don't do something or say something or don't say something that lands for us in a way that makes us feel like they're not seeing us. One of the reasons why romantic love can feel so powerful in the beginning is because it finally feels like we found our person, someone who sees us and someone who gets us, someone who truly values us, someone who makes us feel like we truly belong. And honestly, that feeling can be pretty intoxicating because it's something that many of us have been longing for for most of our lives.

Romantic Love To Power Struggle

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Also, from Imago theory, we know that after romantic love, couples then enter the stage that we call the power struggle. This is the stage where conflict increases and differences become more visible. Disappointment becomes almost unavoidable. And while it can feel like something is going very wrong during this stage of power struggle, Imago also teaches us that this is actually a good thing. It's growth trying to happen. The conflicts that emerge actually help point us in the direction of what we call an Imago the unfinished business of our childhood. So the old stuff that we're still carrying. And this week I got a glimpse into what I'm obviously still carrying at the bottom of some of my old baggage.

Excitement Meets Unwanted Critique

SPEAKER_00 3:04

The last several months have been an incredibly exciting season for me. And especially the last few weeks, something so exciting is happening, and I'm developing something for my coaching program, which you'll hear much more about very soon. So stay tuned. But I have been feeling so incredibly energized and excited about all that's going on and how everything's coming together. Ideas have been flowing, and it has been feeling like puzzle piece after puzzle piece is just connecting. And the whole picture that I have been building for over a year is becoming more and more clear. And I have been genuinely thrilled. And so I've been sharing some of this excitement with people that I'm really close to. And one of the responses I got back in particular wasn't negative. Actually, it was valuable and thoughtful feedback. But the way that I experienced it was that it skipped over the celebratory feeling that I was very much feeling, and it moved right into the areas where things could improve. And honestly, in that particular moment, that kind of stung. And Ben and I were out to dinner and I shared with him the response that I had gotten. And his response was something like, I don't think that that was so negative and I wouldn't make such a big deal over that. And I immediately felt hurt and I shared with him that I didn't feel supported.

Rupture At Dinner And Repair

SPEAKER_00 4:10

And it very quickly became a rupture. A key thing in this situation is that Ben was not actually wrong. The feedback was not negative. And his comment wasn't intended to hurt me. And as I've talked about in recent episodes, intention and impact are not the same thing. And because I felt hurt, my nervous system took over and I moved into self-protection. And because my system moved into self-protection, Ben's system reacted and his system moved into self-protection as well. And just like that, we were not having a conversation about the feedback and my coaching program or anything of the sort. We were deep in the power struggle and we both had our defenses up to protect ourselves from getting attacked by the other. And off we went. Things escalated, and not in a dramatic or horrible way, but dinner was definitely more tense than I would have liked it to have been. And this was particularly upsetting because we were at dinner with our kids and it wasn't the kind of model that I want to be setting for them, but we were both really hurt and we were both so deeply in a self-protection mode. Luckily, we have done a lot of work and we were able to come back pretty quickly. And after dinner, we were able to start the repair process. We were able to talk in such a way where we both felt heard and we both could really understand what was happening for both of us. And it was such a meaningful conversation that Ben actually suggested we do a full dialogue on air in one of our upcoming podcast episodes. So stay

Support Is Not Agreement

SPEAKER_00 5:22

tuned for that. But what really hit me about this experience had nothing to do with the feedback, and it wasn't even about Ben's actual response. What really hit me was how incredibly painful it was to have had the experience when this person, not just any person, but the person who feels like your person doesn't respond in the way that you're longing for. I quickly realized the depth of what was happening for us. I wasn't looking for agreement or analysis or a different perspective or point of view from the one I was holding. I just needed some support in that moment. And that was particularly important because Ben's support specifically matters enormously to me. And it makes sense when someone matters so much to you, those moments of disconnection can feel so incredibly hurtful because they connect right back to those old places that many of us carry where we felt that same kind of let down or hurt in the past. And those old places are very, very tender. They're the places that say, I don't belong or I don't matter. Nobody understands me. No one supports me. I'm all alone. And those stories can grow incredibly quickly if we're not aware of them. And not because they're true, but because they're familiar. One of the most important things that I said to Ben in our conversation after dinner that was probably the most helpful was that I told him I wasn't upset because of what he had said specifically or that he didn't agree with how the particular message that I received landed. It had nothing to do with that. I told him that I was upset because his support specifically is what matters so much to me. And support does not mean agreement. And because he matters so much to me, him responding in a way that helped me feel seen was so valuable. And when I didn't get that, that was what hurt. And when I shared that with him, everything shifted because I wasn't criticizing him. I wasn't attacking him. I was telling him how important he was to me. I was sharing the vulnerable feelings that were actually underneath everything that was going on for me. And that was something he was truly able

Name The Longing Under The Hurt

SPEAKER_00 7:18

to hear. So if you find yourself feeling hurt by something your partner did or said, or perhaps didn't do or didn't say, I encourage you to think about what deeper questions may be underlying what you're feeling. In addition to thinking, why am I so upset? Try thinking about what am I truly longing for right now. Because often, under frustration, criticism, defensiveness, and disappointment is actually a true human desire, which is often connected to an earlier experience. The need to feel seen or safe or supported or the need to feel valued, connected, and that we belong. And sometimes just naming that deeper, vulnerable need is exactly what you need to open the door to begin repair. And I think there's something incredibly hopeful about that. And I hope that there's something in today's conversation that feels hopeful for you too.

Take One Step And Stay Connected

SPEAKER_00 8:07

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.