Staying the Course: When Disappointment Doesn't Have to Become Dysregulation

What if healing doesn't mean you stop feeling disappointed, but that disappointment no longer has the power to pull you into the same old stories?

In this episode, I share a very ordinary moment with my husband, Ben, that became an unexpected reminder of just how much nervous system healing, self-trust, and relational growth can quietly change the way we experience everyday life.

After several months of making exciting progress on a new coaching program, a busy season of celebrating my children's end of the school year stirred up an old fear that I had fallen off track again. Later that same day, a small moment of disappointment with Ben could have easily reinforced another familiar story about not mattering or not having enough space for my needs.

Instead, something different happened.

Not because I didn't feel disappointed.

But because I was able to stay connected to myself while I felt it.

This episode is a real-life example of nervous system flexibility, blended states, and what it can look like when old protective patterns begin to loosen their grip.

Because healing isn't about eliminating difficult emotions.

It's about learning to move through them without losing yourself.

In this episode, we explore:

• How old ADHD patterns can make everyday interruptions feel like failure
• The difference between intentionally changing course and actually falling off track
• Why disappointment does not have to become dysregulation
• What nervous system flexibility can look like in an ordinary moment
• How blended states allow us to feel excitement, vulnerability, and disappointment without becoming overwhelmed
• Why "not now" is not the same as rejection
• The difference between someone's capacity and your worth
• How trusting yourself changes the stories you tell about difficult moments
• Why everyday moments often become the clearest evidence that healing is happening

Healing doesn't always look dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like noticing an old story without believing it.

Sometimes it looks like trusting that your needs still matter, even if they can't be met right this moment.

And sometimes it looks like realizing that you're not off track at all.

You're simply staying the course.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

A Quiet Measure Of Progress

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, and welcome to When Depression is in your bed podcast. Have you ever wondered how you would actually know if all the work you're doing is actually working? Because realistically, life is not going to suddenly become easy, all conflicts won't disappear, and you won't be completely free from ever feeling disappointment again. But little by little, you can begin responding to life's ordinary little moments in extraordinary new ways. Today's episode is about one of those moments. A moment that could have pulled me into an old story. But instead, it became a reminder just how quietly and beautifully healing can truly unfold. It's about what regulation can look like in real life. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started.

Why Growth Looks Ordinary

SPEAKER_00 0:46

One of the things that I find interesting and also very important to recognize about the process of healing and growth in your real life is that it doesn't often show up in these huge moments where there are big fireworks where change is big and loud and bright and really obvious. What is often more true about growth is that it frequently shows up quietly in the ordinary moments of our day-to-day life. Moments that used to end in big conflict, or moments that used to spiral out into old stories. Moments that still may hurt a little, but they don't have the power that they once did. This week I had one of those moments with Ben. There were no fireworks, there was no major conflict, no huge rupture at all. But something inside of me responded much differently than it once would have. And that difference made me reflect on relationships, regulation, and trusting ourselves, along with what nervous system flexibility can look like in our everyday lives. As I've mentioned in recent episodes, I'm working on something really exciting right now. Essentially, it's the culmination of all of my years of professional and personal experience coming together into one coaching program. And it has been unbelievable as it's been unfolding. I've been inspired and motivated, totally on point and consistent. Then the last couple of weeks hit. It was the end of school, my daughter had end-of-the-year celebrations, and my son graduated from middle school. Life became wonderfully full, and what I like to refer to as abundantly scheduled. And suddenly I was not working on this amazing project every day anymore. And that shift immediately brushed up against a very old and deeply ingrained pattern in my nervous system. For much of my life, especially as someone living with ADHD, this is often the point where many plans that I've had in my life have completely fallen apart. I would find myself getting swept up by the to-do's of life. Often important things, often things that I wanted to do, but things that would interrupt my focus and make me lose momentum. And occasionally I could come back to a task rather quickly. But more often than not, it would take me weeks, months, years, or sometimes I would abandon projects altogether. And of course, with each of those experiences, often came a flood of negative self-talk. I often found myself feeling like life was moving too quickly and I just couldn't catch up. There wasn't time for everything, I was off track again. I really wasn't able to make progress on my big life goals. And ultimately, it

ADHD, Busy Seasons, And Off Track Fears

SPEAKER_00 3:00

left me feeling like a failure. That pattern has happened to me so many times in my life that a part of me expected it to happen again. But this time, something different happened. Instead of believing all of my old negative stories, I was able to slow down and ask myself a very important question. Am I actually off track? And the answer was no. I was not off track at all. I had consciously chosen to spend time celebrating with my children. And that choice aligned with my values. I also knew that life would settle down again. And not that I would ever say that my life really ever slows down in a significant way, but I was able to dedicate time most days onto working on this thing that feels so incredible and exciting for me. And I was able to recognize that I hadn't stopped progress altogether. It had just slowed during those really abundantly full weeks. And this made me realize that I hadn't been swept away by life at all. I had actually been living my life. And realizing all of this had made me incredibly proud of myself because it represented huge growth that I've been aspiring towards for so much of my life and had often wondered if I was ever going to actually be able to achieve it. It wasn't about being perfectly productive or staying on task like a robot, because honestly, that's not realistic, and that will never be my reality, which is totally okay. But I had responded differently. I trusted myself. I trusted myself that I wasn't losing momentum. And I trusted that I knew what mattered to me. And perhaps most importantly, I trusted that if I had been off track, that I actually had the tools to find my way back. I also realized something else. I wanted to share this all with Ben. That may sound like a small thing, but for me, it was something big. Historically, it has often felt easier for me to share when I'm overwhelmed than when I feel proud. Because I have identified so strongly as being a chaotic mess of a human, it has felt more familiar to me to complain or stress out about the frustrations and challenges of life. And you may relate to this, but when you talk to people and you share about how overwhelmed you are, or about how long your to-do lists are, or about how there's never enough time to do everything, a lot of people give you a lot of validation because it makes sense because so many people are stressed out and overscheduled that so many people can identify with your struggle. And that has often felt supportive for me in my life. While sharing excitement with someone has often felt surprisingly

When A Partner Says Not Now

SPEAKER_00 5:19

vulnerable. So I found a quiet moment in the car with Ben. It was between a morning filled with work and preparations for our daughter's last day of school party and going to our son's school for his last day of middle school celebration. For me, it seemed like the perfect moment to share. So I said to Ben, I have something really exciting that I want to share with you. And Ben said something to the effect of, I really want to hear what you have to say. I'm just not really in the place for it right now. Can we talk about it later tonight? Immediately I felt that familiar tug of disappointment, that little sting, that old whisper, maybe I don't matter. Maybe I'm not really worthy of anyone's time. But this time I did not believe the story. I noticed it, I acknowledged it, and I even held that feeling of disappointment. Because being regulated doesn't mean feelings like disappointment completely disappear. It means that the feeling stays proportionate to what's actually happening in the present moment. I knew that Ben was not rejecting me. He was actually clearly communicating his capacity, which was incredible growth for him. And these are two very different things. Not now is not the same thing as rejection. It was just information about how our two needs and nervous systems were interacting in that moment. My needs still mattered. It just wasn't an emergency situation. My needs could wait to be fulfilled until later. I made a mental note to call my sister as well because I knew that sharing this information with her would also help me feel supported. I knew that sharing this with Ben, although important to me, was not the only way that I could get my need met. I didn't let my need disappear, and I didn't let myself shut down and fall into that place of feeling like I didn't matter and I shouldn't actually try to share myself with someone. I was able to stay regulated enough to realize that this just wasn't the right moment

Blended States And Nervous System Flexibility

SPEAKER_00 6:54

to share. And as I reflected on this after the fact, I realized that this was a great example of something that I've recently talked about: blended states. I wasn't in a calm, relaxed, zen mode. My sympathetic, mobilized energy was absolutely activated. It was there with all my excitement and my longing and my disappointment. And my ventral system, my anchor, the part of my nervous system that kept me regulated, was there too. And it gave me perspective, compassion, trust, patience. The old version of me may have had sympathetic in the driver's seat, or the moment may have felt so overwhelming to my system, I would have likely crashed into dorsal and complete shutdown, probably leading to a place where I was angry at Ben and he didn't even understand why. But this version of me had that grounded, safe enough ventral energy in the driver's seat while my sympathetic, mobilized energy was along for the ride. That's nervous system flexibility. It's not about getting rid of difficult emotions. It's about having enough safety in our system so that they don't completely take over. And I realized that that is exactly what was happening for me in the car that day. I ended up being able to talk to Ben about the entire story the next day. And he said something that I found really interesting. He told me that if he had realized in that moment that all I wanted to do was share something exciting that I was proud of about myself, that he actually could have received that. But from how I presented my invitation, he thought that I had wanted a longer conversation. And that's what he didn't feel capable of in that moment, which made total sense. And this supported what in polyvagal theory is called the disconfirming experience because it was so incredibly clear that my needs were not being rejected at all. There was just a little bit of misunderstanding. And my needs and my feelings actually matter to Ben a lot. And talking with him about it helped me learn and grow because the next time I have a similar situation, I can make it more clear and say something like, Ben, I want to talk to you about something exciting, something that I'm proud of about myself. I don't need a whole big conversation. Are you available for that? And maybe in that future moment, he won't have capacity even for that. But that's okay too, because I now have this experience that will help me to be able to slow down again and say, this is just about Ben's capacity. It's not rejection. And if I still have some disappointment, I'll be able to hold that with compassion and care. I think it's really important to realize that healing often doesn't show up as one enormous and complete life transformation. Hopefully, over time, you do actually see big shifts happen in your life. That has certainly been true for me. However, noticing those tiny quiet moments of growth helped support my continued growth in so many ways because I was able to gather evidence that growth and change were happening. This is true both in my relationship with Ben and how we've been able to travel a very challenging relationship path together and be able to come out on the other side. And I don't want to make it sound like we're at our final destination because I don't think that we'll ever arrive at a final destination. But the way I think about it is that we have climbed a big mountain and we got over the peak. And going downhill can be hard. And I'm sure there'll be other places we might have to scale up again somewhere along the way. But we've come so far in our journey. And it's because I've been able to notice what I often refer to as microscopic change. And I'm pretty sure in one of my earlier podcast episodes I talked about that. But it's the exact same thing that I'm talking about here individually, that noticing these little microscopic changes is what allows more microscopic changes to happen. And eventually you can see them in a big way in your real life. So this little moment of noticing an old story without believing it becomes really important, as does allowing myself to feel disappointed without it becoming a huge fight with Ben, or a reason that I shouldn't allow myself to depend on people. And this incredibly flexible and balanced blended state experience of my nervous system where I was able to have enough ventral energy mixed with that sympathetic charge so that excitement and vulnerability

Microscopic Change And One Next Step

SPEAKER_00 10:40

and disappointment and hope could all coexist together within me without any one thing taking over completely. To me, that's the brilliance of nervous system flexibility and what I deeply appreciate about this work and perspective. It's not about being able to remain calm all the time. It's about becoming more capable of holding the full, beautiful range of all of our human emotions while staying connected to ourselves and the people we love. And I think there's something incredibly hopeful about that. And I hope that there's something in today's conversation that feels hopeful for you too. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.