Connecting Through Struggle: Why It Felt Safe and Kept Me Stuck

What if one of the primary ways you've learned to connect with other people has also been quietly keeping you stuck?

In this episode, I explore a realization that completely changed the way I think about empathy, healing, relationships, and nervous system growth.

For much of my life, it felt easier to share when I was overwhelmed than when I felt proud. Talking about stress, chaos, and feeling behind helped me feel understood, validated, and less alone. It met a very real need for connection.

But as I reflected on that experience, I realized something I had never seen before.

I had learned to connect through struggle.

Not because there was anything wrong with me.
 Not because venting is unhealthy.
 But because, at that point in my life, it was one of the safest ways my nervous system knew how to experience connection and belonging.

Healing didn't teach me to stop talking about my struggles.

It taught me that struggle didn't have to be my only doorway to connection.

In this episode, we explore:

• What it means to connect through struggle and why it can feel so familiar
• Why empathy can unintentionally reinforce struggle when it stops before growth
• How nervous system capacity influences our ability to move beyond survival
• Why connecting through struggle is not a failure, but often the best our nervous system knows how to do
• How belonging, identity, and nervous system safety shape the way we connect with others
• Why growth can sometimes feel lonely, even when it's exactly what we want
• The difference between connecting through shared struggle and connecting through curiosity, hope, and growth
• How expanded empathy helps us move from feeling understood to feeling safe enough to change
• Why healing doesn't eliminate our need for connection, but transforms the way we seek it

You don't have to stop talking about your struggles.

But you also don't have to stay there.

Because healing isn't about leaving your story behind.

It's about discovering that your story can become the beginning of something new, rather than the place where it has to end.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Why Joy Can Feel Risky

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to the When Depression is in Your Bed podcast. Have you ever noticed that it can be easier to tell someone about your hardest day than your happiest one? That sharing your overwhelm can almost be automatic? While sharing your excitement or your pride can sometimes feel vulnerable? For years I didn't even question it. I just thought that's how connection worked. But recently, I realized that that was pointing to something that was much deeper about how I learned to connect with other people. And that's exactly what I want to talk to you about today. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started. Last week I shared something that was the beginning of an aha moment for me. I realized that for much of my life, it has been easier to tell people when I feel overwhelmed than when I feel proud of myself. And after I recorded that episode, that realization stuck with me. And the more I reflected on it, the more I realized that it was about so much more than only being comfortable sharing my struggles. I realized that along the way, I had learned that connecting through my struggles was one of the safest ways to connect. And that realization immediately connected to so many other ideas I have about empathy and healing and relationships, romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships. Now I don't think that the problem in and of itself was just that I was venting to people or that venting itself is a problem. I think the problem was that for a very long time, connecting through struggle became one of the primary ways that I understood and knew how to connect

Bonding Through Overwhelm And Empathy

SPEAKER_00 1:31

with other people. In last week's episode, I talked about a moment in which I felt really proud of myself and how I noticed that I really wanted to share that with my husband, Ben, and that this was a big deal for me because I'm aware that historically I have felt much more at ease when talking to someone about my struggle or my overwhelm as compared with talking to someone about how proud of myself I felt. And part of this is because for so much of my life, I have identified as a chaotic mess of a human. And because of that identity, it felt more familiar to complain about my life. And this sense of familiarity also led to it feeling safe. It was both familiar and safe to talk about how stressed I was or how overwhelmed I was or how long my to-do list was and how I could never quite catch up. And in my experience, when I shared those things, people often responded with tremendous empathy. And they'd often say things like, oh my gosh, I totally get that. I know exactly how you feel. And honestly, that kind of support felt really good for me. And it met an actual need that I had. It helped me to feel understood, to feel less alone, to feel more connected. And I don't want to dismiss that because there were so many times when that felt genuinely supportive. And I also think that something else was happening that I couldn't quite see at the time. As I reflected on this experience, I realized that that way of connecting was incredibly supportive and also often keeping me stuck. And I wasn't staying stuck because I didn't want to grow. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 10 or 11 years old. And I would say I have been on an entire lifelong journey of healing. The way I now see it is that my nervous system just didn't yet have the capacity that it needed to connect in a different way. Connecting through struggle was not a failure. It was the best that my nervous system knew how to do. I didn't know how to move from empathy into growth because I hadn't yet experienced enough safety to have the clarity to imagine another way. Looking back now, I don't judge that version of myself at all. I actually feel enormous compassion for her. And it connects to something that I've been talking about on my recent episodes about the idea of expanded empathy. For so many years, I received empathy around my story. And my story made sense. Of course I felt overwhelmed. Of course I felt like I was falling behind. Of course I felt a little chaotic. And people really empathized with that. My family empathized with it, my friends, even my therapists. And all of that empathy did matter to me. And it often stopped there. For so many years, no one, not even me, was able to ask the next and very important question.

Expanded Empathy And Nervous System Needs

SPEAKER_00 3:59

What does my nervous system need now? How do I help my nervous system feel safe enough so that I can move towards the next new experience? Because empathy that only validates struggle can unintentionally reinforce struggle. Not because empathy is wrong, but because traditional empathy often stops before the movement can begin. And the more I've been thinking about all of this, the more I realize something that I think is even bigger. This idea that I actually experienced connection through struggle as the safest way of connecting. No one taught me this intentionally or explicitly, but all that empathy from my family, from my friends, from my therapist led to a feeling of connection. And that way of relating for me became familiar. And again, that familiarity was experienced by my nervous system as safety. So I kept doing it because that's what I knew how to do. And it was successful. It helped me to connect. This was my level of capacity. For so incredibly long, it felt like struggle was the only thing I knew. And because so often my capacity was low, I wasn't able to make choices or even see choices sometimes that would have supported me in ways that would have helped me to struggle less. So I continued to struggle and I continued to find ways to connect through it. And because it can be so incredibly easy to bond through struggle and stress and overwhelm, it helped me to feel understood and created a strong sense of belonging. Connecting through struggle met my need for belonging long before I had the capacity for growth. As humans, we all want to find a sense of belonging. And because I had come to associate belonging with overwhelm and struggle, the idea of growth actually felt like it was going to be lonely for me. Like I'd have to disconnect from everything and everyone I knew to go to this place that felt completely unknown to me. And I had no idea if I'd find any belonging

When Growth Threatens Identity And Belonging

SPEAKER_00 5:44

in this unfamiliar place. And as I mentioned earlier, my identity was as an overwhelmed person. I didn't just believe that I had struggles or challenges in my life. I believed I was the struggle. Since this is how I define myself, the idea of growth, which means changing, became a threat to my very identity. So if I took the risk to change and grow, not only would I no longer know who I was, I also thought that I would no longer know how to connect. And as I've thought about all of this, I realize me complaining about my struggles often was not true vulnerability. I think it was one version of protection. My sympathetic nervous system, my fight or flight was activated, and I found other people who were in similar activated states who I could connect with. We connected because we were sharing the experience of struggle. Now to be very clear, I don't think that connecting this way is always a bad thing. And I certainly don't think that sharing your struggles is inherently negative. There is absolutely a place for someone to share that they're feeling overwhelmed or that they had a hard day or that they really need someone to listen. That can in fact be vulnerable and a very healthy expression of your needs. The problem is not expressing our struggle. The problem can come when struggle becomes the primary or sometimes only way that you feel like you know how to connect with someone. As I've grown in my self-care journey over the last several years, and I've learned how to take deep care of myself with special focus on nervous system wellness, something inside of me has had space to grow and stretch and change.

From Venting To Curiosity And Support

SPEAKER_00 7:10

I still have challenges and I still talk about them, but the way I talk about them has changed. I haven't become a more positive person, and what I'm talking about is certainly not some version of toxic positivity, but I have become a more curious person. Instead of stopping at the idea of who could understand my struggle, I now ask myself who could help me grow through this situation. And I notice that this shift has helped me find more and more people who are actually able to help me grow into more and more of myself. Instead of just staying in my story, which I've stayed in and lived in for so many years, I'm curious about my patterns and my nervous system. I'm curious about what this experience can actually help me to learn. And I'm curious about what kind of support could actually help me feel safe enough to take a step. And I've also noticed that at this point in my life, when people invite me to connect with them through their struggle, I still have enormous compassion and empathy. I still want to understand them. And I've discovered that the conversations that leave me feeling most connected don't stop there. They're conversations where I can be honest about my struggles and I can listen to someone else's struggles, and we each move towards helping each other grow. They're conversations where we can say, oh my gosh, this is so hard. What do we need right now? How can we feel supported in this moment? And what might help from here? The healing journey that I've been on has not taken away my need for connection. It hasn't made me so incredibly self-reliant that I don't need others. Instead, it has helped me transform the way I seek connection and the quality of the connection that I now find deeply fulfilling. So healing didn't teach me to stop talking about my struggles. It taught me that struggle didn't have to be my only doorway available to connection. And gaining awareness about all of this has helped me to continue to feel proud of myself for how far I have come and how much I've grown. And I hold with deep compassion that we're all doing the very best that we can in any given moment, given the capacity that we have available. And even though I still need empathy and support, and I still deeply want to connect with my people, I don't want any of us to have to stay in the struggle indefinitely. I want us to understand the struggle, the patterns, the needs, and I want us to have compassion for it. I want us all to be able to ask what contributed to getting us here? What do we need to feel safe enough in this moment to help us expand our capacity? And what can help us move

A Coaching Vision And New Connection Paths

SPEAKER_00 9:24

forward. And on that note, I will tell you that this is in fact a part of what I've been working on in my coaching program that's been making me feel so incredibly inspired. I'm building a place where people can feel safe, seen, and supported, and where they can also be gently invited towards growth. Not because they aren't good enough exactly as they are, but because I believe every one of us has the capacity to be more connected to ourselves, to others, and to the lives that we want to create. For so many years, I believed that struggle was my only path to connection. Now I believe that struggle is welcoming connection, but it doesn't have to be the foundation of it. And maybe that's another one of those quiet gifts of healing. Not that we stop needing people or needing support or needing space to share our struggles, but that struggle is no longer the only way that we are able to connect. Healing allows us the opportunity to connect through curiosity, through celebration, through growth and repair, and through becoming more fully ourselves. Expanded empathy helps someone feel understood enough, safe enough, connected enough to discover that they're capable of something more, capable of growth and change, and something that moves beyond survival into thriving, capable of connecting beyond our struggles. It can take us to a place of connecting through hopefulness and joy and connecting through the limitless possibilities of what we can create in our lives. And I think there's something incredibly hopeful about that. And I hope there's something in today's conversation that feels hopeful for you too.

One Small Step And Closing Requests

SPEAKER_00 10:50

As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.