#79 When Caring Feels Like Criticism: How Fear Changes the Conversation

Have you ever tried to help someone you love, only to have your care experienced as criticism?

It can be one of the most frustrating and confusing experiences in a relationship. We know our intentions are good. We know we're coming from a place of love. And yet somehow, the conversation leaves both people feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected.

In this deeply personal episode, Trish shares a recent experience with her husband, Ben, that led to a powerful realization. As she reflects on a familiar pattern in their relationship, she explores how genuine care can gradually become infused with fear, changing not only the way our words are delivered, but also the way they're received.

This episode isn't about learning better communication techniques.

It's about understanding the nervous system beneath our communication.

Through storytelling, practical neuroscience, and the lens of The Road to Reconnection™, Trish explores why fear often speaks the language of urgency while care speaks the language of invitation. She shares how slowing down, recognizing the deeper fears driving her own nervous system, and receiving enough cues of safety transformed a difficult conversation into one of deeper connection.

Because sometimes the greatest shift doesn't happen when we find better words.

It happens when enough safety becomes available for the love underneath our words to finally be received.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why caring can sometimes feel like criticism, even when our intentions come from love.
• How fear changes not only what we say, but how our nervous system delivers our words.
• Why people don't just hear our intentions. They experience the nervous system communicating them.
• How urgency can be a sign that fear, not just care, has become active.
• Why vulnerability can become one of the most powerful cues of safety in a relationship.
• How creating greater safety changes what becomes available for both people in a conversation.
• Why meaningful connection isn't always about communicating better, but about creating the conditions where love can truly be received.

Healing doesn't always begin with better advice.

Sometimes it begins with greater understanding.

Greater safety.

And the courage to let someone see what's happening beneath our words.

Because when fear no longer has to carry the conversation...

Our care becomes available again.

And I think there is something incredibly hopeful about that.

If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat! 

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.

Transcript

Why Help Can Hurt

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to the When Depression is in Your Bed podcast. This week I've been thinking about something that has shown up in my relationship and in my office time and time again. It's something that can be incredibly painful and frustrating, and it often happens between two people who love each other very much. Have you ever found yourself trying to care for someone that you love really help them only to find that they're experiencing your care as criticism? This has been a common pattern for me in my own relationship, and I've been thinking about it for a long time. And I realized just how much our nervous system plays an incredibly important role in this process. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. I'm your host, Trish Sanders, and I'm a licensed clinical social worker, relationship therapist, and coach, and creator of The Road to Reconnection. And I am delighted that you are here. Let's get started.

Care Versus Fear In The Body

SPEAKER_00 0:50

A quality that I've been aware of in myself for pretty much my whole life is that I have a strong tendency to want to help people, especially the people that I love. So of course, that desire shows up with my husband Ben, and it also very frequently with my son and my daughter. And this strong tendency towards caretaking and caregiving has shown up over and over and over in my relationship with Ben when he's been struggling with depression or anxiety or trying to develop healthier life habits. My instinct is usually to help. And of course, my intention is to be helpful. And it genuinely begins from a place of love and care and a true desire for someone that I love to feel better or for life to be easier for them. But after all of these years, I become aware that there's often something else going on. Sometimes what starts as genuine care doesn't end up landing that way at all. Sometimes it lands as criticism or judgment or just plain overwhelming. And this week, that very thing happened again. And this time I was able to catch myself pretty quickly and take the pause that I needed to figure out how to move forward in a way that was truly more aligned with my intention of care. As I've reflected on this recurring pattern over the years, I've noticed something important. Oftentimes when Ben experiences me as critical or unsupportive or judgmental, while the care I intend for him to feel is definitely still there, there's almost always something underneath it that changes how my intention lands. For me, I notice that what often starts out as my intention of care actually shifts somewhere deep inside of me, and I start coming from a place of fear. And once that fear becomes active in me, whether or not I'm conscious of it, it changes the conversation. And let me tell you from a lot of experience that care and fear can often sound pretty similar if you listen to just the words. Saying something like, I've been noticing, or I'm worried about you, or have you thought about trying such and such could potentially be coming from a genuine place of care or a deeper place of fear. So even if the words that are specifically being said don't change very much, but if our nervous system shifts into a protective place because of that fear that we're experiencing, the way we are delivering those words changes quite a bit. Our facial expressions often change, along with our body posture, our tone, our pace, and our sense of urgency. Nervous systems don't automatically experience the intention behind our words. They experience the state of what's happening in the other nervous system in front of us. So my intention of care can often land as something else for Ben. And in truth, what I'm experiencing in that moment alongside my genuine care is that true experience of fear. Even though on the surface, what I might be consciously thinking is that I'm only trying to

Urgency Is The Tell

SPEAKER_00 3:31

help. But here's the thing: there are some tells that can help us distinguish what's happening for us in any given moment. Fear often speaks from a place of urgency, which of course makes sense because when you're feeling like you're in danger, there's an absolute sense of urgency to get to safety. While care usually comes from language of invitation, there's not the same rush or pressure behind it. When my nervous system shifts into what I think of as stormy conditions, that sympathetic charge of our fight or flight response in our nervous system, I don't stop caring, but my care and my fear carries a strong sense of urgency. More pressure, more intensity, and the very thing that I hoped would feel supportive ends up feeling critical and overwhelming instead. When I noticed this happening in me this week and I was able to slow down, I realized that while I definitely was in part reacting to some of what Ben was experiencing and what his nervous system was communicating to me, I realized two really important things. Number one, I can't change his nervous system. I'm only responsible for mine. And so I had to shift the focus to what I could actually do. And number two, when I shifted that focus, I realized that it wasn't entirely Ben's fault at all. Most of the activation that was happening in my nervous system was coming from somewhere inside of me. I often talk about this journey of self-care that I've been on for the last several years. It's the journey that led me to doing this very podcast and what helped me stretch into coaching and developing the road to reconnection. And honestly, it's led to me feeling like a version of myself I wasn't quite sure I was ever actually going to experience. And as I've continued growing and healing in these incredible ways for which I'm so grateful, an old story that I've been living with for most of my life started emerging.

The Belonging Fear Under Criticism

SPEAKER_00 5:10

A story about belonging. A story that somehow I was only allowed to grow so much or only achieve certain level of success. Otherwise, there was a fear that I might lose my connection to everything that I've ever known. And this week it became very clear that that old fear of belonging was showing up in my relationship with Ben. There's been a part of me that's afraid that if I continued growing, that if I continued becoming a healthier version of me, a happier version of me, that somehow Ben and I would lose the connection that we've always had because so much of what we've shared has been through our struggle. And as soon as I made that connection, everything else made so much more sense. I wasn't trying to control Ben or overwhelm him. I certainly wasn't trying to criticize him or judge him. I was trying to create safety for me. Safety that I wouldn't lose my connection with him, no matter where my path of growth led me. And I think that criticism can often be just that fear trying to create safety. Once I recognized that, I realized that I couldn't keep talking from that place. Otherwise, Ben would never actually be able to hear what I was trying to say. I needed to soften the storm that was brewing inside of me. One of the things I did was reach out to my sister, not because I needed her to solve anything for me, but actually I knew that she was a safe place that I could process through what I was experiencing so I could figure out what step I needed to take next. I knew I needed to understand what was happening in my own nervous system and really get a better sense of where that fear was coming from. And just the very act of slowing down and paying attention created a sense of greater safety for me. And then, seemingly like magic, other things that helped support safety started happening too. Not only for me, but also from Ben. Even though there had definitely been some rupture between the two of us, he was patient and understanding when I told him that I wanted to finish something that I was working on in my coaching program before talking. And then when I finished that thing, he was excited and celebrated the milestone in finishing this big chapter that I'd been working on. And then when I was all done, even though it was much later than he usually likes to speak, when I asked him if he was open to still having a conversation, he said yes. His only request was that we have the conversation laying in bed so we could be a little bit more relaxed. And after we had the conversation, he said something that I thought was incredibly

Creating Safety With Support And Bedtalk

SPEAKER_00 7:12

insightful. He said something like, We should always have conversations like this lying in bed. And my first response was a little laugh because it seemed a little bit funny. But I thought about it for a moment and it made such incredible sense because it wasn't just about us lying in bed, it was about the context of safety that was created when we laid down next to each other, relaxed, making gentle eye contact. Our nervous systems were able to read that as cues of safety, which helped us both to be able to communicate and connect in the way we both really wanted. And something else became a cue of safety too: my vulnerability. Instead of telling Ben what I thought he needed to do, I started telling him what it felt like inside of me. I shared my old fears and my concerns for us. And because he felt safe enough, he was able to be open enough to receive my vulnerability and my softness, even though we were talking about some challenging things. And the more I've reflected on this, the more I realize how often I think this happens in relationships. As a matter of fact, this very dynamic came up in a completely different way in a session I had with a couple this week. Sometimes we think that we're not communicating well enough or we don't have the skills. And certainly sometimes that's true. But sometimes there are deeper questions. Like, is there enough safety available for our care and concern to be received? And of course, is our care coming from a grounded place or a place of fear? Because when our nervous system shifts towards protection, our care doesn't disappear. But when fear is present, our care is often being expressed in a way that makes it very difficult for the person we love to receive us. When enough cues of safety are available again, something beautiful can happen. Our care becomes available and can be expressed in a way that can be received. Not because

Safety Before Skills In Relationships

SPEAKER_00 8:50

we got to a place of caring more or even necessarily being able to communicate better, but because our nervous system is no longer speaking from that place of urgency. Sometimes the goal isn't to find better words. Sometimes the goal is to create enough safety so that the genuine love and care under the words can actually be received. And I think that there's something incredibly hopeful about that. And I hope that there is something hopeful in today's conversation for you too. As our time comes to a close, I ask you to keep listening for just a few more moments because I want to thank you for showing up today. And I want to leave you with an invitation as you hit stop and move back out into the world on your own unique wellness journey. In order to move from where you are today to the place where you want to be, the path may seem long or unclear or unknown. And I want you to know that if that seems scary or daunting or downright terrifying or anything else, that is totally okay. Know that you do not have to create the whole way all at once. We don't travel a whole journey in one stride. And that is why my invitation to you today is to take a step, just one. Any type, any size, in any direction. It can be an external step that can be observed or measured, or it could be a step you visualize taking in your mind. It can be a step towards action or towards rest or connection or self-care

One Small Step And Closing Invitation

SPEAKER_00 10:15

or whatever step makes sense to you. I invite you to take a step today because getting to a place that feels better, more joyful, more connected than the place where you are today is possible for everyone, including you, and even when depression is in your bed. If today's episode resonated with you, please subscribe so you can be notified when each weekly episode gets released. I encourage you to leave a review and reach out to me on social media at trish.sanders.lcsw. Your feedback will help guide future episodes, and I love hearing from you. Also, please share this podcast with anyone who you think may be interested or who may get something from what I have shared. Until the next time we connect, take care of yourself and take a step.