Spiritual Bookshelf Episode 69 Practicing a Sense of Ease – Cutting Off Vertical Comparison and Building Horizontal Connection Part 2

Hi everyone, welcome back to the show. I’m Phillip.

Today we’re continuing our conversation about the book The Practice of Ease.

In this book, Kishimi talks about a deep root of human suffering: the desire to be “special.” Many people carry an unspoken belief—“If I’m not special, I have no value.” We may never say it out loud, but it shows up in our anxiety, in our obsession with achievement, and in how sensitive we are to other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, think about the “model student.” Straight A’s. Always praised. Seen as talented and promising. This child works very hard to maintain that image. But one day, right before an important exam, they suddenly feel sick. Or they avoid showing up. Why? Because their entire identity is tied to being exceptional. Deep down, they’re terrified. “If I fail this time, does that mean I’m ordinary? And if I’m ordinary, does that mean I’m not worthy?”

So avoiding the test becomes a way to protect their image. If they get sick, there’s an excuse. It’s not that I’m not good enough—it’s just bad timing. This is a self-protection mechanism driven by fear of being average.

Sometimes the wounds are even more subtle. A child brings home a report card with average grades. The parents don’t yell. They don’t punish. They just sigh softly. That sigh might carry disappointment. The child receives the message: “The ordinary version of me is not enough.” Over time, that becomes a belief. “I must try harder. I can’t stop. I can’t just be normal.”

As adults, we carry that pressure into our careers and relationships. We become extremely hard on ourselves.

So how do we apply this understanding to our own lives?

The first step is noticing conditional love. Ask yourself honestly: “If I’m not successful, if I don’t earn a lot of money, if I’m not praised—am I still worthy of love?” 

The second step is redefining what “ordinary” means. Many of us equate ordinary with failure. We think average means useless or unremarkable. But what if being ordinary simply means standing on the same level as others? Not above. Not below. Just equal.

When you feel anxious about not reaching some high standard, pause and ask yourself: “Is being ordinary really that scary?” Some of the happiest moments in life are actually very simple—a cup of coffee, a quiet walk, an unplanned conversation. 

The third step is cutting off vertical comparison and building horizontal connection.

We are used to seeing life as a ladder. Someone is above us. Someone is below us. We’re always climbing. But Adler suggests that life is not about climbing over others. It’s about walking side by side.

Another powerful tool Adler talked about is early memory. He believed that the childhood memories we remember are not random. They reflect our current lifestyle. If your earliest memory is playing alone, maybe you learned to rely only on yourself. If you remember being surrounded by people, maybe you still long to be seen.

Psychological tracing isn’t about getting stuck in the past. It’s about reinterpreting it.

When we stop trying so hard to prove we’re special, when we stop treating the world like a scoring system, we actually become more stable. More relaxed. Real confidence isn’t about standing on top and looking down at others. It’s about standing on the ground and meeting the world at eye level.

Thank you for listening. I’m Phillip. I’ll see you next time.