Spiritual Bookshelf Episode 74 : Practicing Being at Ease—How to Avoid the Post-Retirement Blues, Part 7

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the show. I’m your host, Phillip. Today, we’re continuing our deep dive into the book The Practice of Being at Ease: You Don't Have to Live Up to Everyone's Expectations.

The author, Ichiro Kishimi—whom many of you know from the bestseller The Courage to Be Disliked—has dedicated his life to teaching the philosophy of Alfred Adler. Kishimi’s message is a powerful wake-up call for our modern, high-pressure lives: We don’t need to be extraordinary to find happiness. To feel truly at ease, we have to step away from the exhausting cycle of comparison and anxiety. We need to redefine what it means to be "successful" and find the courage to embrace being "ordinary." Only then can we lead a life that we are genuinely proud of.

In this episode, I want to explore two very common, yet very different scenarios from the book: procrastinating on a work proposal and the deep sense of emptiness many feel after retirement. Now, you might ask, "Phillip, how are these related?" One happens mid-career, and the other happens at the end. But Kishimi argues they point to the exact same root cause: Have we tied our entire self-worth to a specific role or our professional performance?

Let’s start with the employee who just can’t seem to turn in that project. We all know someone like this—or maybe we are that person. They keep saying, "I just need to tweak it a bit more" or "It’s not quite perfect yet," and so the deadline keeps sliding. On the surface, it looks like they are just highly responsible and have high standards.

But Kishimi cuts right through that excuse. He points out that this often isn't perfectionism; it’s avoidance. Why? Because as long as that proposal stays on your hard drive and isn't submitted, you can live in a fantasy. You can tell yourself, "If I really put this out there, it would be a massive success." By never finishing, you never have to face the possibility of failure or rejection. It’s a strategy to protect the ego. Instead of risking a "no," we stay in the "safe zone" where our "unproven potential" remains perfect and intact. If we’re being honest, a lot of what we call "preparation" is actually just fear in disguise.

If we don't catch this pattern of tying our value to "doing" rather than "being," it follows us for a lifetime, leading right into our second example: the post-retirement slump. Imagine someone who has spent forty years grinding away, climbing the corporate ladder. When the day finally comes to retire, instead of feeling free, they feel a terrifying sense of emptiness. Why? Because they used their job title as their only GPS for self-worth. The title on the business card, the busy schedule, the way colleagues looked up to them—all these things were constantly whispering, "You are an important person." Once those labels vanish, they start panicking, asking, "Who am I now?" In psychology, we call this a "role identity crisis." Without a "task" to perform, they feel they have no "value."

 Kishimi reminds us that many of these feelings are formed in childhood. We grew up believing we were only worthy of love if we were "useful" or "special." But the practice of "being at ease" is about realizing that you are enough exactly as you are. You don't need a title, a high-pressure job, or a perfect proposal to justify your existence.

As we wrap up today’s episode, I want to leave you with a question: If you stripped away your job title and your achievements today, would you still be happy with the person who is left? It’s a tough question, but it's the key to finding true peace. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope these insights help you find a bit more "ease" in your own life. I wish you all a week filled with health, happiness, and meaningful moments.

Take care of yourselves, stay positive, and I’ll see you in the next episode. Bye for now!