Friday Feelings

The Power of Self-Reflection

• Jenelle Friday • Season 1 • Episode 10

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In this insightful episode of Friday Feelings, host Jenelle Friday explores the power of self-reflection with special guest Carly Agar, a customer success career coach and the host of the Customer Success Career Coach podcast. Together, they delve into how self-reflection can unlock emotional intelligence, leading to personal and professional growth.    

Carly shares her personal journey of leaving her customer success job to start her own business, highlighting how self-reflection helped her overcome fear and perfectionism.  Jenelle and Carly discuss practical strategies for incorporating self-reflection into daily life, such as journaling prompts and simple exercises.    

Key Takeaways:

  • Discover the importance of self-reflection in understanding your emotions, behaviors, and thought patterns.    
  • Learn how self-reflection can help you identify and challenge limiting beliefs, leading to greater self-awareness and personal growth.    
  • Find out how Carly used self-reflection to overcome her fear of judgment and take the leap to start her own business.    
  • Gain practical tips for incorporating self-reflection into your daily routine, even if you're not a writer.    

This episode offers valuable insights for anyone seeking to deepen their self-understanding, overcome challenges, and create a more fulfilling life. 🎙️ Listen now and embark on your journey of self-reflection!

SPEAKER_01:

All right, welcome to Friday Feelings, everyone, the podcast where we turn emotions into power, vulnerability into strength, and remind you to feel everything, fear nothing, and transform your life. I'm your host, Janelle Friday. And today's episode, we are talking about the power of self-reflection that allows you to unlock emotional intelligence. And today's guest is a very, very, very special guest. Uh, you probably know her if you travel in the same circles. I'm thrilled to welcome Miss Carly Agar to our episode today. So thanks, Carly, so much for being here. Thanks, Chanel.

SPEAKER_00:

Did you just say three verries? I'm like turning. Very, very, very.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That was so nice. I'm very, very, very excited for this conversation.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I think I think your mission to help people find work, your um, your integrity in how you look at relationships and how you treat people with kindness, and you put in hard work so that others can succeed and find um find success in their job um hunt and feel confident is so commendable. And getting to know you as a person has just been such a pleasure. So um you deserve those three berries.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you. Oh my gosh. So nice.

SPEAKER_01:

So I'd love for you, Carly, to tell us a little bit about you, uh, tell us about your business and and dig a little bit into um why self-reflection is something that is important to you.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my gosh. Okay, before we hit record, I warned Janelle that I could talk about self-reflection for so many hours. So I'm gonna try to keep that part of it a little bit more concise, but who am I? Um, so most folks know me for leaving my customer success job. Gosh, this was now four years ago, three and a half, four years. Um, I had been in the field for so long that when I was first in CS, it wasn't even called CS, it was account management. And I know a lot of people can relate to that. Um, but after a little over 10 years in the field, I decided I'm not gonna do this anymore. And instead, I want to help people in the field land jobs. So for the last four, four and a half years, I've been full-time helping customer success job seekers. At first, it was just me by myself trying to figure stuff out, trying to be a business owner. Um, and now we have a team of almost 10 people, which is just absolutely insane.

SPEAKER_01:

Amazing. And what a great, I mean, so so what was the what was the trigger for you? What what really got you to the point to say, I don't want to be CSMs anymore. I want to help CSMs.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh self-reflection. A lot of self-reflection, and I can be more specific about that. So I had reached a point in my career where the natural next step for me would have been to become a manager of a team. Meaning I had maxed out my pay, I had maxed out my responsibility, I had maxed out my title as an individual contributor. That's not to say there wasn't still more for me to learn. Could I have maybe made a little bit more money? Sure. But for all intents and purposes, like I had reached a peak. And when I thought about becoming a manager of a team, I was just like, none of that sounds fun to me. Like when I picture how I will be spending my days Monday through Friday, leading a CS team, it's not at all what I want to be doing with my time. Like, I don't want to spend all my time on internal meetings. I don't want my success to be so directly tied to other people's effort and success. I don't want to be the escalation point for everyone's upset customers. I don't want to be the person that has to tell my team to do all this stuff that leaders above me want them to do. Like, just none of that sounded fun to me. Yeah. And so I was like, maybe I just need to do something totally different and not follow the path that everybody else follows. And that was like one of the big moments for me when I decided I'm not gonna stay in customer success.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, and that's a really not only self-reflection as a massive part of that, but it's also it takes a lot of bravery and courage to decide, okay, this is the next logical step that makes sense for everybody else. I'm not really feeling it, but I'm gonna step out on my own and do something different. I mean, that's that's such a courageous thing to do.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's funny looking back because now I can say it was courageous, but in the moment, it felt what's the word? Um, it almost felt like I was rebelling, like it felt rebellious in a way. Okay. Um, it also felt extremely lonely.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I felt like, oh my gosh, I've been in this career for 10 years and I'm now just realizing like I don't fit in. Because everyone around me was like, I want to become a manager, I want to become a manager. Like that's that's what we're all working for, right? And I'm like, now I have this opportunity and I don't want it.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Which is, I mean, I think again, this episode we're talking about self-reflection, but I mean, that's a really strong uh piece of self-awareness that you grasped. And so let's let's get into self-reflection a little bit. So, what I want to do is first, I want to define when I when we say self-reflection, what are we actually talking about? So self-reflection, introspection is the practice of looking inward to evaluate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is in essence and essentially the front door of emotional intelligence, which I call self-awareness as well. But self-reflection is a component of self-awareness. And so self-reflection is so powerful because one, it helps you build self-awareness. So understanding your emotions and their impacts means that you're aware of why you feel the way you feel, why you think about yourself and others the way you do, why do you have the emotional triggers that you do? That is all self-awareness. Um, self-reflection strengthens self-regulation. So when you're self-reflective, you're helping control your impulses and reactions. And so, you know, Carly, for you, that was realizing, hey, the logical next step for everyone else isn't gonna work for me. And that makes me kind of feel out of place, but but I'm not gonna let the fear of the unknown or feeling like I'm a rebel keep me from doing what's right for me because you're being true to that self-awareness, self-reflection piece. Um, self-reflection also improves empathy. So when you are self-reflective and you realize and you're evaluating all your emotions on a regular basis, it also means that you're most likely, not always, but most likely being very critical at evaluators. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, words that are being used, um, trying to empathize with others because you're so in tune with your own emotions. And self-reflection also false fosters a growth mindset, right? So self-reflection means I'm going inward and going, well, gosh, I don't really like the way that makes me feel, or I'm not really thrilled with that result. So what's what's next? What do I do with that? Where am I headed with that? And so that is a growth mindset, constantly looking to move forward instead of becoming complacent or giving up, in essence, right? So that's that's really the the heart and the crux of what we're talking about. And I would say from a growth perspective, Carly, I mean, look at the growth that you had in the four years that you've started this. I mean, it's tremendous growth from starting by yourself and feeling isolated and not really sure what your next step is going to be to where you stand today, right? You're kind of the thought leader in customer success when it comes to interviewing uh expertise and resume building and role playing and and helping people find the right role. So help help us understand where self-reflection, how self-reflection allowed you to move forward on that path when you realized you had to take a step away from quote unquote what was normal.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So when I started to have these realizations of I don't want to become a manager, it then became, okay, well, let me look at what I have done and what I enjoy. And I noticed a pattern really quickly, which was I would get bored in my role, and I would go find a new CSM role at a startup, and I would keep doing that, like series A to series C, series A to series C, series A to series C. And I was like, well, why that? Like, why is that the common thread throughout my career? And what I realized was a lot of the things that I like in my day-to-day job were things that I could find in that hyper-growth series A to series C thing. So then I started asking myself, well, like, okay, what are those very specific things that I enjoy doing? And a lot of it was like, I enjoy building, I enjoy ambiguity, I enjoy creating frameworks and content and looking at problems that haven't been solved before and just saying, like, I'm gonna figure this out. And so it was a lot of that that eventually led me to like, okay, well, if I start my own business, I'll definitely get to do all those things. So that was what kind of led me down the path of entrepreneurship. But then I would say an even more important and more difficult point of self-reflection in that journey of like actually starting the business was a lot of people don't know this because I don't talk about it often. Is that I had actually thought about starting this business for probably two to three years. And in those two to three years, Janelle, I invested so much money, like all of the disposable income I had in business mentorships, learning how to post on LinkedIn, learning how to create a course, how to be a coach, how to start an LLC. Like I did every mentorship you could imagine. And it got to a point where I was like, okay, yeah, I've done all this preparation, but I haven't actually done anything. And that was the scariest moment of self-reflection because I realized my perfectionism and just fear of failing and fear of actually putting myself out there, despite all the preparation I was doing, had me stuck.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Like I had absolutely nothing to show for it.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, so it was that moment when I was like, okay, well, I can either accept that I'm someone who talks the talk and doesn't walk the walk. And like I can say I tried, I did all these mentorships and like got pretty close to launching a business, or I can just say, like, I'm gonna get uncomfortable and I'm gonna finally do it. Um, I chose the latter path. It was really scary. Bravo, because that's a hard thing to do. Yeah, I think without that realization of like, okay, well, I can either continue to be this way and let perfectionism hold me back, or I can make a choice to get uncomfortable. It was that moment where everything like truly started happening.

SPEAKER_01:

And you can you identify uh times in your life before this where you kind of went through the same thing where you had to push yourself to become uncomfortable to move forward.

SPEAKER_00:

Definitely. Um a lot of a lot in a lot of different ways too, like personally, professionally. I think I like a lot of people suffer from perfectionism where and it's it's not hate when people talk about perfectionism and they're like, I need to be perfect. It's almost not that for me. It's like I need to know how everyone else is doing it first. Like I over-research things.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But then I don't actually take action.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I totally sympathize with you because everything with Lionheart that I've been trying to do, I feel very much where you were at, which is like I've done all the things, I've paid for all these things, and I still feel stuck. And it's been a challenge personally to figure out okay, what are the best next steps and how do I move forward? Um, but so from a self-reflection standpoint, would you say that you've always been a self-reflective individual, or was this something that you just started to do and realize that it was helping you? Where was the tipping point where you realized, wow, this is really important? Self-reflection, self-awareness is really important to me.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't think that I ever actively self-reflected until I had to make that choice of what I wanted to do with my career. I think throughout my career, I maybe did a little bit of self-reflection, but it wasn't that deep. It was what we all do, where it's like you kind of take inventory of the job that you're in and you figure out, like, okay, well, how's that gonna inform the next job I step into? But it wasn't really until that moment where I was like, oh my gosh, do I have to throw away my 10-year career? Like, I don't fit in here, I don't have a direction where I started to be super intentional about self-reflecting. And I will say that becoming an entrepreneur, and I'm sure you can relate to this too, like it really forces you into the trenches of self-reflection, whether you're ready for it or not. So now I can say, like, it's it's a daily thing for me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So let's talk about um self-reflection and maybe some of the assumptions that people make about a self-reflection question or what that process looks like. So for me, right, I've met people and they say, Oh, yeah, well, I'm self-reflective. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm pretty aware of my feelings. And then I ask difficult questions. It kind of comes to the surface that, well, you might not be as self-reflective as you think. So let's get into kind of the level of self-reflection that we're talking about. So I have questions that I'm gonna ask you if that's okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. So the first one is um, what are you running from that you need to face? Put it in an eye. What am I running from that I need to face? Fear, past wounds, or uncomfortable truths. What am I avoiding that if confronted could set me free? Okay. That's the kind of the that is a journaling question that I ask myself that I'm gonna put there to you, right? Because I think your process of getting to be an entrepreneur and having this successful business and taking that leap of faith, you had to face fears. You had to ask yourself how to get over that hump. And so from that level, I think it's probably pretty safe to say that you probably didn't word it this way, but there's an ongoing internal check that you do with yourself around what are you running from that you need to face? Would you say that's fair?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, and I can tell you one of my answers to those questions early on, yeah. It was, I'm running from the opinions of other people.

SPEAKER_01:

That's really profound.

SPEAKER_00:

When it comes to just I mean, something as simple as posting on LinkedIn, like now it's I do it every day. I don't even think about it. Janelle, the first couple of posts that I made on LinkedIn, I'm not even exaggerating. I would it would take me hours to write the post, first of all. Change it, delete it, rewrite it. My physical reaction to posting, like I would be shaking, sweating, like could not sit still, so nervous about what people were gonna think. So that one definitely was a question that I had to face of like, if I don't stop running from what people are gonna think about me, I'm never gonna post a damn thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Well, and I mean, I think you know, LinkedIn, there's a lot of nuances too. You should post every day. And, you know, I I took a massive step back from posting over the holidays in January because I just needed a break. There's a lot of external pressure and expectations, especially once you put yourself out there and people kind of know who you are. That like I gotta keep up with the with the race a little bit. And I've had to remove that pressure off myself to say, I'm not gonna fit a mold or an algorithm or a right, I gotta figure out me and what what I'm willing to do, wanting to do, capable of doing. Um, so I love that because I think it it really highlights anything new that you start, you're gonna be nervous, right? When you when you put yourself out there and you take this big leap into something new, it's okay to feel nervous. It's okay to second guess, it's okay to question, is this really what I want? But you push past the fear to do it anyway and to give it a shot and put yourself out there. And I and I'm I'm this I'm really proud of you for that because it's not easy. It's not an easy thing to do.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, the do it anyway quote is one that has stuck with me. I don't remember. There's so many different versions of it, and I've had so many business mentors now over the years that I can't remember who said it first. Yeah. But I just that is still something that's has stuck with me where it's like this feels uncomfortable, or I don't feel super confident in this, or I'm scared. I'm just doing it anyway. Like that tiny little phrase can really be the difference between staying where you are and truly growing.

SPEAKER_01:

I agree. And and I um I think it was because you kind of know my story, a lot of people know my story, but I realized that I had allowed fear to hold me back from so many things, especially in my career path. And um fear will always be present. Fear will always be something that we all have to face, we all have to um deal with. And when you get used to looking fear at the face and saying, okay, I'm afraid, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm insecure, but I'm gonna move forward anyway. I mean, that is a that's a muscle flex. And I think the more you flex that muscle, the more used to it you get, the less scary things become down the road because you've you face that new thing. You're like, I'm kind of afraid of that. But then now you have all of this experience to pull from and be like, but wait, I was afraid of this and I did it anyway, right? I learned from it, I grew. Um, so I love that.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, keep going. No, please go ahead. I was gonna say, this is one of my favorite self-reflection questions. Yeah, let's hear it. I do this. This isn't like a daily one for me, but more of like an annual one. Um, which is what is something that I used to be really afraid of that I no longer am. I love that. It's such a big confidence builder because it shows you like, holy shit. Okay, yeah. If you just do the thing that you're afraid of, you're eventually not gonna be afraid of it anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

There's a TV show my husband and I have been watching called Special Forces. So it's have you seen that? Okay, so caveat, this is about celebrities, and I hate shows about celebrities, but it's it's a British Forces, United Forces, SAS, SEER, that kind of training. Um, and watching that show, I'm like, if I was in any kind of physical shape, I would want to go do that to face my fears. And they're doing really extreme things. But I think when you watch some of these individuals face that fear of jumping out of the helicopter or being sunk in a car underwater, told to hold your breath and then escape with like those are legit fears that I think a lot of people naturally are afraid of, and you're watching these celebrities be uncomfortable and face those fears, it was really inspiring for me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I think one of the coolest things that I've learned about facing fears over the last couple of years, especially, is it's not even so much about the the specific things that you no longer become afraid of, like. The posting on LinkedIn, the recording the first podcast. It's not so much about that stuff because that becomes so small. It's more about the the more of those small things that stack up, the more, at least for me, I realize that I innately trust myself. And so whenever I'm faced with something difficult, I'm like, this sucks. This is really stressful. Like, I have no idea what I'm gonna do, but I know I'll figure it out. And like that is one of the best feelings in the world.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. That's really profound. All right, I got another question for you. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. If your thoughts become the script of your life, what is the story that you want to live? That is deep.

SPEAKER_00:

If my thoughts, that's the question again.

SPEAKER_01:

If your thoughts become the script of your life, what's the story that you want to live in?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, my current thoughts are really based on fears. So I would say in the current moment, um, it would be a fearful life. But if we're talking about my aspirations and dreams, I think it would be honestly like continuing to inspire people to get uncomfortable and to like advocate for themselves and put themselves in a position where they feel happy and fulfilled.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. And and let's just be clear about the question, right? If your thoughts became the script of your life. I talk about this a lot, but your thoughts literally, and I mean it in every sense of the word, direct your path forward. If you're an individual who's constantly telling yourself you can't, I'm afraid, you're talking down to yourself, you're speaking negative things out loud, you're constantly berating yourself internally mentally. Those thoughts are are driving your life forward in the sense that your thoughts and your um internal dialogue chemically create emotions and energy in your body. That is science behind neuro uh neuroplasticity, TTRP. I mean, I'm there's so many studies out there that are showing that your thoughts literally create the chemical reaction in your body that become emotion. And we know that our emotions dictate behavior at times. And so if you're an individual who struggles with um negative or detrimental internal thoughts, you're not speaking to yourself kindly, you're not saying um positive, powerful things like, yes, I can, I'm afraid, but I'm gonna move forward anyway. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm gonna trust myself. Um is the time to start. And it has to be intentional, it has to be purposeful. Because if you just continue to go on life the way you've been going, then you can expect the same results, right? The very definition of insanity. So I'm gonna ask one more question, Carla. You don't have to answer it. It's gonna be mostly for our listeners, but here's my question if you're listening. What is one truth about yourself that you've been unwilling to accept? It's a big question. I think most of us are used to failing. Most of us are used to feeling insecure. Most of us are feeling like we're isolated and we don't fit anywhere and no one understands us and we're never gonna make it anywhere. That is a part of the human condition that is pretty normal for most of us. But I would say, Carly, specifically from someone like you, the ability to talk through it and come to the other side to say, okay, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't have the experience. I'm terrified of what people are gonna think, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna get on the train anyway and figure out where it takes me. That is a that is a leap without looking to some degree. And um, I've had that my whole life. I don't think everyone is just naturally born with that. It's a choice that you had to make that came from a gut feeling that says, move forward. And so I wanna, I wanna give you the opportunity. If there's someone listening today who is desperately trying to move forward, they want to take that leap, they want to believe in themselves, they want to um be self-reflective in a in a growth mentality and be comfortable being uncomfortable, but they don't even know how to go about that or they're afraid. What advice could you offer someone in that place?

SPEAKER_00:

Ooh, that's a really good question. I think it goes back to that phrase of do it anyway. And also the question that you just asked of like, what's a part of yourself that you're unwilling to accept? So I would almost encourage folks who are feeling stuck to think about what's a what's a truth that you've come to know about yourself that you don't like? Is it I'm too scared to do this thing, or I'm really hesitant, or I'm really quiet, or I'm not good at insert blank, then realize that that is a temporary truth. And you have everything in your power to change that thing just because it's true today or has been true for the last 30 years or whatever, does not mean that that has to be true for you forever.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. So if self-reflection is a part of your regular life, would you say you're daily reflecting, Carly?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. In fact, the reason I asked you if I could curse is because I have a notebook on my desk that literally says, shit, I do not enjoy doing. And on the next page, I have a list that says, shit, I really enjoy doing.

SPEAKER_01:

So, okay, not everybody's a writer, right? When I when I say you should journal, I'm not like, dear diary today. That's not what I say when I'm journal, when you're journaling, right? But but for someone who's not very good at writing, or what are some best practices from a self-reflection standpoint that you think you could encourage somebody like start try this today, or you know, set a goal by the end of the week, you're gonna do this thing. How can we encourage people to become more self-reflective from a practical standpoint?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I'm I'm also not a journaler. I'll do it like once a year, but not regularly. I've tried, doesn't work for me. So what works really well for me is what I just described, which is literally having a notebook on my desk. It could be on your phone, could be in your Apple Watch, whatever. But write down throughout the day stuff that you like doing, stuff that you don't like doing, and then I would add a third layer to that. This is like a little bit more advanced, but things that you say about yourself. So if it's like, you know, you get off a customer call and it was a really tricky negotiation, and you're sitting at your desk writing the email afterwards, and you're like, God, I'm just so bad at negotiating. Write that down. And then what you can do is look at this list and decide, okay, I have all these things that I don't like doing, I have all these things I like doing, and all these beliefs about myself. Like, I'm gonna pick one of these things to change. I'm gonna become better at negotiating. Or I'm gonna try to figure out a way where I'm not spending time on stuff I don't like doing. Um, I but I would say that's really the easiest way. It doesn't require really any effort. I love that.

SPEAKER_01:

And uh we're getting close to time. I I just want to say, first of all, if you don't know Carly, if you're not familiar with Carly, find her on LinkedIn. Um, Carly, do you want to just give a little bit of a quick rundown on what you offer from a business perspective for job seekers?

SPEAKER_00:

Sure. That's so nice of you. Um, so we have a lot of free resources for anyone looking for a job and customer success. I would say the podcast is probably the most popular. So, Customer Success Career Coach is the podcast. I talk about everything from resumes, interviewing to career paths. It's all on there. Um, I also have free master classes on my website. So if you go to carlyagar.com slash freebies, there are free step-by-step how to write your resume for CS jobs, how to interview, how to nail behavioral interviews, like it's all there. Um, and then if you are looking for more one-on-one tailored support, we do offer one-on-one coaching, um, which you'll see in the application on my LinkedIn.

SPEAKER_01:

Love that. Um, and uh as we wrap today, I really want to highlight the story that you've given us, which is one of bravery and self-awareness. And when you are honest with yourself, look, you guys, it's not easy to internally reflect and find things about yourself you don't like. I I'm a good example of that. So after my trauma and really taking a hard look at my behaviors, my talk track, how I was interacting with others, I was really embarrassed by the judgmental, self-righteous, condescending individual that I was. And I could have stayed there. I could have been like, well, that's just how I am, deal with it. Yeah, but I didn't want to be that way anymore. And it took a tremendous amount of effort and moments of uncomfortability to begin to really deal with that and move forward and find a way to transform my internal dialogue. But like I've said, it takes effort, it takes intention, and it takes a desire to really want to change, no matter what the workload might be to make that make that change. And Carla, I think your story is a really beautiful one of uncertainty, self-doubt, a little bit of fear, trepidation, uh little without lurking. And you've worked your way through it to find a really successful path. And I think that has so much to do with not your own the work of your own hands, the effort that you've made, but the power of personal belief through personal reflection, through self-awareness and and self-acceptance to some degree. Would you agree with that?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So thank you so much for sharing your story. It's such a powerful one. Um, and for those of you listening, I'm gonna just wrap like we always do, and encourage you to be inspired, to feel deep, feel, oh my gosh, feel deeply. Um, be fearless and live your life authentically. Because when you keep leaning into those feelings and truly accepting yourself through self reflection, that's where transformation really starts. So uh I hope you all have a really lovely rest of your day. And thanks again, Carly, for being here. Always appreciate your time.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01:

See you next Friday, you guys.

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