How Do You Find Inner Peace When Everything Feels Out Of Control?

In this powerful episode of Friday Feelings, Jenelle Friday sits down with executive coach and business strategist Nils Vinje to explore what it really takes to find inner peace when life feels like it’s spiraling. From startup pressure and family chaos to major life transitions, Nils vulnerably shares his personal story including the moment a single coaching question changed everything.

You'll learn how to reframe stress through metaphor, the neuroscience behind emotional self-regulation, and tactical ways to reconnect with calm amidst the storm. Whether you're navigating personal change or professional upheaval, this conversation offers grounded, practical wisdom rooted in emotional intelligence, mindfulness, and choice.

Key Takeaways:

• How to identify chaos you can control and what to do about it
• The metaphor that helped Nils find peace and perspective
• Practical grounding techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 method and Butterfly Hug
• Why change doesn’t take time, but the decision to change does
• A gentle reminder that peace is not passive, it’s intentional

📍 Tune in and be reminded: peace isn’t found in perfection—it’s built in your mindset.

Resources:

• Connect with Nils! https://www.linkedin.com/in/nilsvinje/
• https://www.nilsvinje.com/

Referenced Materials:

• "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" by Daniel Goleman (https://amzn.to/439hMHL)
• "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson
  (https://amzn.to/430SRFi)
• "Awaken the Giant Within" by Tony Robbins
  (https://amzn.to/42OISnL)
• "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh
  (https://amzn.to/42TORGr)
• "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown
  (https://amzn.to/3YtqBd0)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Friday Feelings, where we turn emotions into power, vulnerability into strength, and remind you to feel everything, fear nothing, and transform your life. I'm your host, Janelle Friday. And today's episode, we are asking the question: how do you find inner peace when everything feels out of control? This is one of those episodes that I'm really excited for, not just because of the topic that we're talking about. Most of us face chaos, most of us feel the angst, the tension, the chaos in our country. This this just is a perfect timed conversation. And my very special guest speaker, Nils Benji, is with me today. Um, so Nils, thank you so much for being here and spending time with me.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Thank you, Janelle, for having me. I am so looking forward to our conversation today because chaos and stress is kind of in the cornerstone of most of our lives and all things in our world. So this is an area I had a lot of experience with and helped a lot of people with as well. So I'm looking forward to sharing some thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Yeah, me too. So so I just want to let everybody know. So Nels and I met at CS100 a couple of years ago. He was a speaker, uh, and he was a different type of speaker. The energy he brought to the room, the way he approached how he shares his passion, just drew me in. Um, he came on as a guest speaker in the Lionheart EQ boot camp that I've done. And I actually was a participant in his leadership MBA course, which changed the way I do business and how I work with other people. Um, and so we've built a friendship over the last couple of years, and it's really just been an honor to not just get to know you as a person, Nils, but really learn from you and the vast experience that you have from a business leadership perspective.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Thank you, Janelle. Uh, incredibly kind words. I remember when you came up to me immediately after my presentation as CS100, you're like, whoa, we got to connect. We need to talk. I want to know more about you. And I was like, deal, let's do it. Because, you know, and I had sensed your energy as well, right? That there's you have to bring energy and passion into the work that you do. Otherwise, life's pretty dang boring. And so if you don't enthusiastically love what you're doing or helping people, or in every conversation you get involved with, it's really hard to connect with other people. But when you bring that, then you magnetically attract people who are going to be like you, just like you and I, are a perfect example of that.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

I love that. So, Niels, we're talking about finding inner peace amidst chaos, right? And you know, when you and I first sort of talked about this, I had this list of topics that you could choose from, and you chose this one. So let's help the audience get to know you a little bit and why this topic uh is so important to you.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah, there's there's nothing like a little bit of inner peace amongst a constant um state of chaos. And I use the term chaos in a, it's both a positive and a negative or more of an opportunity piece. Because when you when you create an environment of chaos, it means that things are changing. And when things change, that's a good thing, right? If the same thing happened to you every single day in your work, in your professional life, in your personal life, in your relationships, if the same thing happened every day, you would be bored beyond belief. That's a groundhog day. It's groundhog day, right. That's why I didn't think a whole movie about it. But here's but here's this is a really good litmus test for anybody out there. Look at the amount of chaos in your life and the level of chaos that comes on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. If it's flatlined and you don't experience any chaos, it's not necessarily, in my opinion, one of the most one of the healthiest things because it means you're not growing, you're not pushing, you're not doing things differently.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Or you don't live on planet Earth as a human being, because I don't know anyone that lives alive without chaos.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

I'm sure there are a few out there. I uh I don't know who they are either. But the goal is that there is a level of chaos that is comfortable and appropriate for each person, and that level is different. And it was different from me, it's different for you. But how we handle that chaos determines our comfort level in that zone. So the more comfort we can have handling chaos, the more comfortable we can be pushing ourselves and making ourselves uncomfortable to get the things that we want, whether that's personal or professional. So that's why it's so important, is because I view it as a progress thing. Right. If I'm not going through a lot of chaos, I know I'm kind of probably, you know, taking it a little too easy and I need to kick things up a notch because I need to push, I need to add more value, I need to find out new ways to learn. And this is just a really good litmus test for me.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

I love that. And I love how we we're we're gonna parallel the world chaos with change, right? Because I think I hear so many people say, oh, I'm not good with change. So, first of all, if you speak that nonsense out loud, you're convincing yourself it's true. So let's stop saying that you're not good with change. And let's also acknowledge that growth, transformation, development does not happen in a comfortable setting. If you're comfortable, you don't have motivation to change. If you're comfortable, you don't seek growth because you're doing the same old, same old. And so I like that we're talking about this interchanging thought of chaos is really change. I think we we we can experience chaos that's out of our control. I think uh our current political climate is a very good example of chaos that is beyond most of our control. And so, you know, my my husband and I were just talking how we're watching more news than we have ever watched right now. And how's that making you feel, Janelle?

SPEAKER_01 5:53

How does it make you feel to watch news?

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Not good, right? Not good. I want to be informed. I want to know what's happening, I want to feel like I'm a part of this country and a United States voter, citizen voter, right? Um, but at the same time, all of the negativity, all of the name-calling, all of the aggressive, right, um, attacking from both sides, I watch it and just go, I don't want that energy in my life, right? So I think we're talking about two different things, but for today's purposes, I really want to talk about when you're in the middle of chaos and you can control and make a change for the better, versus if you're in the middle of chaos that's beyond your control and you are drowning in negative emotions. How do we find inner peace? And I want to highlight one thing before I'm gonna give you the floor nails. It's a choice. Yes. You have the ability to find inner peace in the midst of the worst chaos life can give you. And I can say that because I've done it. And I know that it takes a commitment and resolve that no matter the chaos, I will find a place of peace. Because if I don't, the consequences could be really, really, really severe. Okay, so I'm gonna stop here, get off my little soapbox. Um, so Nils, talk us through an example of, for you, a very chaotic time of life and how you were able to work through that to find a place of peace.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

100%. Looking forward to sharing this really powerful story. It happened to me uh many years ago. Exemplifies everything we're talking about today. But I first want to touch on um a really good point you brought up, which is the um the control element. And this plays a big, big part. There are things that are outside of your control, and there are things that are within your control. Anytime you spend uh focusing your energy and attention on things that are outside of your control, you are going to feel whatever they want you to feel. The news, perfect example. You will feel bad because the news's job is to make you curious of what is next and coming up after the break. And it is always something terrible because it's sensational and it's curiosity peaking. Their only job is to keep you watching more so they can serve you more advertising. That's literally the only job of the news, just like social media, same, same type of stuff. Right. But um, there are things that are within your control, which is what I'm gonna share in my story here, and it is a hundred percent always a choice. And so if you find yourself feeling bad because you're watching more news than you ever have before, then you gotta look at the choice that you're making and saying, well, if I'm feeling this bad, even though I want to be part of this, it's really not serving me in any way, shape, or form. So maybe I need to make a different choice, right? So we're just breaking it down to the simplest things. Okay, so let me take you back. Um, this uh the year was, this was a few years ago. Uh, we're gonna, the year was the end of 2011. Okay. I had just started my very first role as what was then called an account manager, but secretly was really customer success manager. So I was in a CSM seat in 2011 working for a B2B SaaS software company, downtown San Francisco. It was the absolute perfect job for me, and it was the right time to be there because a few months later, the you know, the customer success industry kind of just started right around then. I went to the very first GainSite conference in 2013. There was a hundred people, uh, I think in a conference room, like literally in San Francisco. That was all the people like all GainSite could get together in one place. That's like how far we've come in a very short amount of time. That's it. No, I I I've talked with Dan Stymon and Nick, and and they all said like that we literally gave everything, gave tickets away just to get people there. And that's what it took. So this is early, early days. Um, okay, so I started this new role at this startup. Anyone who's been in that kind of environment, you know what kind of chaos comes with a startup life. Um, I was traveling from the East Bay to downtown San Francisco, so I was commuting at least an hour 15 each way. So there's that piece. I had two children already, uh, very five and three. And then the third one was born at the very beginning of 2012. And so chaos on the home front was just kids and life. And the fact that I had about to have three kids under five is a pretty intense, intense process. Recipe for chaos.

unknown 10:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:24

And during this time, I decided that it would be a great idea to, with the support of my wife, to sign up and go through a leadership coach training program because I needed to push myself again. I was, I had gone through an MBA program a couple of years prior. I got out, I just put everything into my work and my family, and then I was like, I need to learn some more. So I said, cool, I'm gonna go down the coaching route. This sounds fascinating. I found a program, it was in the Bay Area. It was gonna require a fair amount of time away from home. And so, just a couple months after having my third kid, and a couple months after starting this job in a um in a brand new startup and in a role that didn't really exist and wasn't really defined, that was the time that I decided to go through this coach training program, whereas it'd be gone for four days a month, right? So talk about chaos. Life was all over the place. Like literally, I just the amount of tension that was going on on the train in the morning, on the train at night, the sleep kind of came and went. Young kids, family trying to just survive in the Bay Area, it was intense.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

So here's what happened. Fast forward to it was about April of 2012. And I went to the very first weekend of this coach training program. And I was super excited for this, and I had honestly like almost no idea what to expect. So I go to the coach training program, and I still felt a lot of tension, a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety over the fact that I was leaving uh my family with a brand new kid, and my wife was watching all three now for you know what was going to be four days at a time, once a month. Um, and I was stepping out on work during that time too. So I had clients I was responsible for, and there was all kinds of stress all over the place. So I go into this with an open mind, excitement, but also a lot of anxiety and trepidation and kind of just tension inside of me. And I'll never forget, there was an exercise that we went through on that first weekend. One of the things that we did in the second, I think it was the second day. And we paired up the we saw the instructor do an example, and then we paired up with another coach and we did it to each other. And there was one single powerful question that shifted everything for me. No joke. I remember exactly where I was sitting in the courtyard. It was a beautiful day, sun was out, the breeze was gently blowing. It was April in the Bay Area, it was really, really nice outside. And I was sharing with the coach, uh, my partner, that I was feeling a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety and a lot of just tension because I had this new job, I had three kids now, I was just trying to survive. And the coach turned around and asked me one single very powerful question. He said, Mills, what's a metaphor that describes the situation you're going through right now? And I was like, a what? And I literally like it was like, you know, the phrase hit like a hit me like a ton of bricks comes to mind, right? And I just stopped in my tracks. And I'm a very visual person. So I just stopped and I was just silent for a minute. And the first thing that came to my mind in the response that I shared with that coach was my life right now feels like a class five rapid. And and they kind of looked at me funny. I was like, so in in whitewater rafting, if anybody knows anything about that, there's classes of rivers. So from very mild, just little ripple, is like class one is super easy, no currents or no crazy rapids or anything. And class five is the most extreme.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Where the You're gonna die is basically.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Basically, water, everything's moving so fast. And I said, I literally feel every day like I'm going down a class five rapid in a boat, it's just me, and I am doing everything possible to just you know steer at the last second to avoid the jagged sharp rocks, which are gonna sink my boat and take me down under the water. Like that was really that's a really powerful metaphor for sure. So, but what was fascinating was that as soon as I shared that metaphor, I immediately felt this incredible sense of calm because I could understand the perspective about my situation that I was not able to see before when I was in the boat. Now I was like up over the canyon looking down and seeing me in the boat. And I was like, oh, that's where I'm at. That's what's going on. This is whoa, huh? This is fascinating. Okay, so what part of the coaching process was learning how to um unpack all of the, you know, the metaphor and all the things. And what I went through in that one conversation, it lasted probably only 15, 20 minutes, with that coach who asked me a ton of questions about the river and what it meant and what the rocks were and what the bends were and what class of river I wanted my life to be like. I came up with an entire metaphor of what I wanted to build, which was a class three life, which means it was more than just, you know, stable and just nothing, but it wasn't class five all the time. And there was enough tension and movement and you know, interesting obstacles to go around to keep things interesting, but it wasn't ever going to sink me. And I had full complex complete control over creating that environment. And then I worked with that coach to help me figure out how to do that on a daily basis. And we came up with some strategies and some things. I used that metaphor, and every single day I visualized myself on the river and I knew where I was, and it just brought an incredible sense of calm. So for me, finding peace in that time was all about understanding my perspective, which I never could have gotten to had someone not asked me that very powerful question, which is why coaching is such an important tool in everybody's toolbox.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yeah, I love that. And I think it's a it's also a parallel example to the way that I talk about sometimes in order to be self-aware, sometimes in order to really determine where I am in life and what I'm experiencing, I have to name the emotions I'm feeling, right? Sometimes, unless we we pull ourselves out, like you said, of the chaos and look at it from a detached perspective and say, what am I feeling? What am I doing? What does this life really look like? And then to your point, you you visualized it, you saw it, you named it, and you're like, oh, well, now I kind of have direction. I think it's so interesting that for so many of us, until we get to that point, we think we know, but we don't really know.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

Oh, no, no, you can't see what is right in front of your face. That's pure. I mean, that's been anybody who's ever had anyone ask them a powerful question knows exactly what that is. And that's why coaching is such a powerful force. Because as a coach and an outside expert, right, our job is to help people see things that are right in front of their face that they can't see because it's right in front of their face. Yeah. Right. And that's why just that that perspective will always be rewarded with, oh, I get it. So it's never, you know, when people talk about coaching, some people love it or hate it. It's like, I can do this myself. It's never about doing it yourself. It's about taking the shortcut, which is I'm gonna completely miss what's right here. And just because I had someone else asked me a question, like, that's all I need is just that angle and or hearing their perspective or having them be hold a space for me. That other coach, when I was going through this, like it was the when the tension came up and I really got into the the river metaphor, it was a really vulnerable moment because I was sitting there, I have a young family, I had a job, and I was saying, I was basically what I said with that metaphor was I was basically holding it, barely holding it together on a daily basis, like you know, on the edge of a breakdown. And that was a really vulnerable thing for me to share with somebody I barely knew. I only met them the day before. And but they held the space for me and they said, you know, it's okay. And all they did was just ask questions to help me discover that. Again, why I, you know, if he had showed up and said, Oh, well, you should just think about your life like a river, you know, and and the twists and turns. And I'd be like, what are you talking about? That's like that's not my world, but he asked me the question instead and didn't tell me anything. And I discovered that simply because he provided that environment. And it was a really, really powerful exercise.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

I love that. So then let's let's move that forward, right? So you found a moment of how would you describe now the inner peace that you have because of that catalyst moment in your life today?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Yeah, I I use that uh that question uh all the time, right? And I go through change a lot and I push myself to change a lot. And in every change instance, one of the first things I do ever since that day was to ask myself, what is a metaphor that is going to describe this change, right? And I've used lots of different ones. I love the river and the water. So I've used that one many times, but I've used others as well. And I've asked my clients the same things when they're going through a difficult time. What's a metaphor that describes this? And when they come to it, then all of a sudden, again, the light bulb changes. So um it's all about perspective, Janelle. If you have the perspective that is beyond just what's directly in front of your face, and you can put words to the thing, the the space that you're in, and the time of life and the time of your job or time of whatever it is you're going through, then it's really easy to step outside of yourself and say, you know what? This that's okay. I am where I am and I understand it. That's how I can find peace. One of the things, uh, tools that I used after uh working with this coach in this exercise, he asked the question, Well, how can you use this metaphor to help you maintain control on a weekly basis where you said you feel really stressed every day? And I came up with this, just out of the blue, because he asked that question, held the space for me, came up with this exercise. So I used to work right downtown and along the embarcaderoo, it's a beautiful place to walk. And we were only two blocks from the embarcadero of my office. It was awesome. So every day for lunch, I would go down and I would walk along the embarcadero. And I would sit on the side. There's a little uh wall thing right up against the water, and I would sit on that piece and I would let the sun soak on my face. And in that moment, I always imagined that that was me pulling my boat out of the river on a sandbank, just on the side to take a little break and just relax and let the sun shine on my face. And every time I did that, oh man, I went back after lunch and I felt like a million bucks, like nothing could stop me because I just knew exactly where I was, exactly where I was going, and it was all okay. Right? That's how I got through that time, and that's how I get through tough times today when I push myself and change and all kinds of um, you know, go through all that chaos, but I maintain the awareness of where I am because I've defined that map through the metaphor exercise.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

But you're not in San Francisco now.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Nope, I am not.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

Okay, so you don't have that spot to go find yourself in every day. So what does that look like today for you?

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Yeah, um, I have the ocean just down the road here where I live in Wilmington, North Carolina. And so I go to the ocean a lot. I surf a lot. Um, I enjoy being outside. Honestly, the best part is it didn't have to be a physical place, right? It was the meaning that I associated with being outside, taking a break, and letting the sun hit my face. That I decided that that was the meaning of me pulling off the river and taking a beat before. Before I jumped into what was next. So I could do that at any place. I did that in Phoenix where I used to live, and there was no ocean. No, plenty of sunshine. Yeah. And it's just it's so it's the meaning you associate with the little activities that can give you a break, that can keep you calm in the world of chaos. Because chaos will always happen. But if you define how you are going to be calm in it, whether it's a metaphor or whether it's an exercise like my pulling the boat off or whatever it is, if you can define that and define the meaning you will get from that, that will give you the feeling that you need to take a step back and remain peaceful and calm.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Yeah. Some of the clients, and this is a challenge, right? Some of the clients I've talked to are not good at visualization. They're not visually motivated or stimulated. And so that exercise is going to be really tough for them. So do you have other things for individuals that say, that's just not me, Nels? How do I find peace if I can't visualize it?

SPEAKER_01 22:53

There are three primary modalities that most people will fall. One will be most more dominant than others. So for me, it's visual, right? I'm a very visual person. I see things in pictures. It just is the way I'm wired. There's also auditory. There are people who are more dominant in auditory. So for people like that, they I would explore something in the auditory realm, whether that was listening to a sound, listening to a thing, constructing something that went directly to their auditory senses so they could hear it. They didn't have to see a river. Maybe they could hear a river. That would hit them just as powerfully as it hit me, but it's in a way that was unique to them. The third way is kinesthetic. And this is more about the feeling side of things. So some people need to touch things in order to feel them. So for them, I would ask, you know, find out what would be appropriate that would give them the same kind of thing that they could actually feel. Maybe it was, you know, a bathtub full of water is just enough to feel the rush of that or uh something along those lines. I mean you go into jacuzzi and there's jets, like it literally is water movement, but you actually feel it, you don't just hear it or you don't just see it. So visual, auditory, kinesthetic, most people will have one of those be more dominant. And it's just the way you typically learn best. So if you think about, you know, how you learn best, think in terms of that. And that'll give you some clues as to the best, most appropriate way to use a metaphor or use a tool like that in order to remain calm.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

This also falls under when we when we talk about emotional intelligence and the four pillars that I refer to: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management. This falls under self-management, right? So so partly we start with self-awareness, meaning you have a moment where you're aware I am in the midst of chaos and I need to find my peace. That's self-awareness. Okay. Being aware that it's time to take a break or walk away. The second step now is into self-management. Your body is going to give you signals that you're approaching the breaking point, right? And we don't have time to get into that, but but if you want more information about that, connect with me after. But but what Nils is talking about is the ability to acknowledge the feelings that you're feeling and make a determination that I'm not gonna sit in this feeling. I'm not controlled by this feeling, I'm not accepting of this feeling, and I have absolute um control and um the ability to take back my nervous system and the thoughts that are happening. And so one of the things that I teach, it's called the butterfly hug. Go ahead and Google it. It's a really great way to interrupt a freaked-out nervous system. Um, but another method that I think also offers visualization and stimulate stimulation in multiple ways is it's called the 54321 grounding method. And it kind of speaks to all the things that Nils, you're you're talking about because we're not built the same, right? Everybody kind of has their own formula that they need to figure out. We all learn differently, we all hear differently, we all write and process differently. Um, and so the 54321 grounding method is about seeing things, hearing things, smelling things, tasting things, and touching things. Because science tells us that our senses create change in our brains in a more strongly connected way when we involve more than one of our senses. And so, you know, Nils, you're not focused on, well, this is just one way. And if you're only one thing, this is gonna work for you. I'm actually gonna encourage you that whether you're visual, auditory, or you need a physical thing to hold on to, try multiple things and use more than one of your senses at the same time because again, science shows that that changes how you process information quicker. It just does, right? So um I'm gonna just explain really quickly, Nelson if you don't mind, right? Um, the 54321 grounding method is this. You're gonna acknowledge five things you can see. Take a moment, look around the room, and look at five different things that you can immediately attest to. That's visual, right? You're gonna acknowledge four things you can touch. That involves your fingertips, your nerves, your senses, your feeling things, different textures, gets your brain moving. Three things that you can hear. Maybe it's the sound of your own voice. It doesn't matter. Whatever you have that's playing in the background. Most of us have music, or maybe you've got a TV show in the background, news, whatever. Um, two things you can smell. Light a candle, go grab an orange and put it under your nose, right? That again, we're involving multiple senses and one thing you can taste. Put a mint in your mouth, go grab a spoonful of yogurt, doesn't really matter. This method has actually um made a radical difference for a lot of people that I've worked with. And I think it's one of those things that ties in right to what you're talking about, Nels, which is this is an intentional practice. Yeah, right. That's right. You're making time. And so do you make time every day? Do you wait for chaos to occur? How would you encourage someone through the through things like this?

SPEAKER_01 28:01

I think one is to check in with what chaos means for you. Um, like we talked about before, there is chaos in the world around you, and then there's chaos in your world. And there's a big difference between where you spend your time, effort, and energy using the 54321 method. And if you find yourself always needing to use that as a result of the chaos in the world around you, you're probably subjecting yourself to a lot of chaos that is causing a lot of stress that you probably don't need. And so instead, I would hope that the chaos is coming from your world, meaning you are learning new things, you are pushing your relationships further, you are bringing new ideas to the table, you are experimenting with things you've never done before. Right. If that's where it is, then absolutely 100% put yourself in a chaos seat and view chaos as a great thing because it means change. And there was a uh back down the change piece, one of my favorite quotes from Tony Robbins talks about change, obviously, a lot. Right. And he says, you know, uh change happens in an instant. It's the thought process leading up to change that takes sometimes an eternity. And I thought that was really interesting. Yeah, because people talk about change taking a long time and change is hard and whatever. The reality is change is doesn't take a long time. Change isn't hard, right? It happens that fast. But it is the leading the thoughts that go into leading up to the change that take a long time. And that is a very, very different thing than change taking a long time. So when you break those things apart, right, and you look at what their where the focus really is and your energy and your attention and where the chaos is coming from, right? Is your chaos coming from the actual change action? Or is it coming from the thoughts about the change action? Well, if I do this, maybe this will happen. And if I don't, and you can talk yourself out of anything, right? And that's sometimes a good catalyst to say, well, you know, how much more chaos can I handle? And is it the right chaos? Is it because I am actually growing? I'm actually pushing myself, whatever it is, personal or professional. So um, that's me, my recommendation is check in where is chaos coming from? Is it external to you? Is it internal to you? And if it's internal to you, is it the thoughts leading up to an action of change? Or is it actually the change action itself and the outcome of that change? And then use that 54321 method to help navigate where you are because it'll break your cycle. And that's what I love about that method is that it literally is designed to snap your brain out of the cycle it's in and get you back into a positive state where you can see things objectively and come back to reality and be like, okay, I got this.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Yeah, I love that. And I think, you know, I think we can all agree that um the one thing that is predictable is that life is unpredictable. And you, you know, I'm in a state trying to sell my home. We've got family stuff, I've got nephews, I've got, you know, to your point, right? You've got a job and kids and a career and we are surrounded by change. We're surrounded by unpredictability. And so this is a bigger, broader topic when we think about um emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, right? One of the things I talk about from an EQ perspective is that if you are someone who is high in EQ, it means that no matter the person I'm speaking with, no matter the circumstances I find myself in, no matter the chaos that I'm surrounded by, I'm secure because I know who I am, I know what my strengths are, I know where my weaknesses are. And in those weaknesses, I've discovered the tools necessary to get me through those moments to pass through anything negative to get to the other side, right? And so I think this is a really pivotal conversation because this is a this is a can you plan for the future? Yes. I I love the quote, you know, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans for the future.

SPEAKER_01 32:03

I have really that one many times.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

Okay, so so having said that, right, there's a couple things I want to highlight, which is one, um some my one of my sayings is often the smallest things result in the greatest impact.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

We're not talking about upheaving your life, we're not talking about struggling to find this moment in your day that you're striving for, right? So, where does the work actually happen? Nils, if you if you if we have a listener who's like, I love everything you're saying, but I don't even know how to get to that point where you're talking about. Where do I start?

SPEAKER_01 32:38

It it just it happens everywhere. That's the crazy thing, right? There is no time at set time when it has to happen, right? But it is a there is a calmness that comes from knowing that you can handle chaos because you've either listened to this episode and thought about some of the examples that we've shared, or maybe you have your own version of 54321 and you have that, but it comes back to that confidence that you just can handle any situation like you were just sharing. You know, I don't early on in my career, I was terrified of all kinds of changed things, right? But it was only the result of constantly putting myself in uncomfortable positions and realizing that every single time I did that, I figured out whatever I needed to figure out, or I got help and I sought help from outside, whether it was inside my company or somebody outside in my network, or it was a coach, or it was a consultant, whatever it was, there is always some way to get the answer to what you need, right? Nobody ever has to solve every single thing on their own, which most people uh believe that that's something you gotta do. And I'm here to tell you it's not. There is no shame in asking for help. I do it all the time. I have many people a lot of money too to say, help me because I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to get next step. And then within a short conversation, I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm getting the next step. So I think you know, it happens in every moment, every day. How you carry yourself, if you're terrified of change, ask yourself why. Where did that come from? Because there's a belief inside you somewhere that change means something bad. And Janelle and I are here to tell you the change is good. And you take a long time to change from you know doing one small thing differently in your routine. Ask yourself why. What is it that is on the other side of that that is keeping you from making the change? Because when you make the change, it happens in an instant.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Yeah, that's all that's true. Yeah, and and one of the things I do talk about is most negative emotions that we feel have a single driver, and it's fear. So if you're afraid of change, to me, that says you're afraid of the unknown, you're afraid of what might be, you're afraid that it might repeat something that you've experienced in the past. And my process is I ask myself, is it true? I'm afraid of something that hasn't happened, I have no control over, I have no clue what's gonna happen. Is what I'm fearing true? Well, I don't know. Two, is it helpful? Is it helpful to create this sense of tension and unease because I'm afraid of something I don't yet understand or know or can't predict or control? Is it helpful? Is it helping me to get all up in angst in my brain and overprocess? No. No, and is it uplifting? Is it helping you in that moment mentally to allow negative thoughts and fears spin you out of control to the point where you can't function, you live in fear, you're struggling in relationships, you you're overwhelmed by life and chaos and all those things. Is it uplifting you? And are you being kind to yourself in those moments? So that's the process that I go through for myself. And so, um, you know, one thing I want to say is that peace is not found in a perfect world, A, because we don't live in a perfect world, and B, because peace isn't just naturally found. You have to work for it, you have to find it, you have to be purposeful and intentional for yourself to value yourself enough to say, I need a moment of peace. And if I can't just naturally find it, I'm gonna go look for it and grab a hold of it because peace is in how we create our moments in this messy world that we live in. And so um, we're wrapping up on time here, Nils. And and I just I could talk to you forever. I think we could probably do a follow-up session about this. Maybe we'll get some people asked that. But um, how can people connect with you? Tell us what you're working on right now, and and yeah, what do you have?

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Uh absolutely. Um, one last thing on that, on the last comment that the peace is also unique to each individual. Yeah, what peace means to me is different than what it means to you is different than what it means to somebody else. And so, you know, there is no one universal definition of peace. Uh, it is a term that can mean literally anything to anybody, anytime, anyplace, anywhere in the world. So always take that uh the word when other people talk about peace, that it doesn't whatever they're saying they feel peaceful about, or even me, whatever my story of finding peace in those chaos moments um is different than what it's going to be for anybody else. That's right. So uh Janelle, the latest uh and greatest with me is I am a business coach. I've spent many, many years um coaching people on uh leadership, on their uh customer success strategies, increasing their net revenue retention, building world-class organizations that is defined by an incredible identity. And over the course of you know, my 25 plus year career, everything has prepared me perfectly for the work that I'm doing right now, which is working with founders, CEOs, and business owners and their leadership teams to help them build a world-class company that is just gross. Right. And there are five key principles behind this growth. There are people and we have purpose, playbooks, perform, and profit. And when we focus our energy and attention on these five areas with an incredible set of some of the world's best business tools, then you can grow faster than you ever thought possible. So if you're out there and you're working for a company where maybe, you know, some things are a little bit challenging, or you were running a company where the team isn't 100% fire in all cylinders, or the market position just isn't working just right, the culture isn't hitting, um, or you see opportunities that are not being taken advantage of because there's too many fires going on. Uh, give me a call. And my the website is Nils Vinya, N-I-L-S, Via's and Victor, I-N-J-E.com. You can read all about me, how I work. And I've got a newsletter all about um growing your business with super detailed deep dive guides um based on all my expertise and all my experience for the last 25 years helping people do this, and that's what I'm up to, Janelle.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

I love that. So LinkedIn is a good place to start many.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

As well. Yep, there aren't many NILS on LinkedIn. There's nilsvinia.com. I'm a pretty easy guy to find. So yeah, uh, nilsvinya search on LinkedIn and then just hit nilsvignea.com and I'll be there. You can grab a sign up for the newsletter when you're there, get my insights delivered every week to your mailbox.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

I love that. Thank you so much. And and again, your wisdom is is amazing. I'm gonna continue to learn uh from you and be so inspired by your leadership. And and also to Niels, you were a servant leader. And and I love that heart of I just want to help you. I I'm not here to judge, I'm not here to throw my ideas and make them your own. I'm here to breathe life and inspire and encourage and cheerlead you. And that is a servant leadership. And um, I aspire to that. So thank you for the example that you set.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

Thank you, Janelle. Well, it's been a pleasure spending some time talking with you about this critical important topic of chaos and remaining calm. Hope the audience got to take away some nuggets and would love to connect with anybody via uh website or uh LinkedIn. Hit me up. Thanks so much.

SPEAKER_00 40:03

Yeah, I love it. Um, so as we wrap today, I'm gonna say my usual closing, which is to be inspired by our story today, to feel deeply, do not be afraid of your emotions, whether they're positive or negative. You gotta feel them to work through them, to live fearlessly, to not allow fear to keep you from moving forward, even in unpredictability, even when you have no control and have no idea what awaits you on their side, to live with a fearless heart and to live authentically, to continue to find what works for you and be true to yourself and be authentic in your own life, in your professional life with others and at home. I want you to keep leaning into those feelings because true transformation starts from within. So thank you so much for joining us today, and we're gonna see you next Friday.