How Do You Manage and Navigate Disappointment?

Can Disappointment Become Your Greatest Teacher?
Join Jenelle Friday on Friday Feelings for a raw and inspiring conversation with Nisha Baxi, a professional who’s turned setbacks into stepping stones. From failing to make her high school cheerleading squad to missing her dream job at Google and navigating a heartbreaking breakup, Nisha shares how she faced disappointment head-on. With emotional intelligence and neuroscience as her guides, she learned to name her emotions, breathe through pain, and even embrace doing nothing to hear the universe’s wisdom. Packed with tools like box breathing, journaling, and micro-goals, this episode offers hope for anyone feeling stuck in letdown. Tune in to discover how disappointment can spark growth, resilience, and a brighter path forward.

Resources

• Connect with Nisha! https://www.linkedin.com/in/nishabaxi/

Referenced Material

• Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves (https://amzn.to/4jTZhxa)
• Podcast: The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos (https://open.spotify.com/show/3i5TCKhc6GY42pOWkpWveG?si=34df6be41dee4e87)
• TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare)
• Tool/Concept: Emotions Wheel (Feelings Wheel)
  (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Jx2fGEGgUgS5imWQW2jlhEjkvtODpGyI/view?usp=sharing)

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:06

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Friday Feelings, where we turn emotions into power, vulnerability into strength, and remind you to feel everything, fear nothing, and transform your life. I'm your host, Janelle Friday. And today's episode may be a positive and a negative thing. We are talking about managing disappointment using emotional intelligence. And today's guest, Nisha Baxi, um is with me today. And Nisha, I first have to tell you in the middle of chaos for me, I met you at CS100 as I told myself I could climb. Well, we met in happy hour, right? Okay, said hello. But I decided to walk from the base where the conference was up that freaking hill in Sundance, Utah, to where we were kind of roomed close together and made myself sick. And you found me on the side of the trail, puking my guts out. And you rubbed my back, you sat with me. I mean, I just was so overwhelmed by you immediately jumped into action to offer care and empathy and kindness. And I'm I will forever be grateful to you for that moment.

SPEAKER_00: 1:23

You are so sweet. Well, first of all, um, that was a freaking steep hill, and we were already at a really high elevation. So, and like we went up even higher. So, like I think anyone um could have experienced that, you know, altitude sickness occurs at over 8,000 feet. And I think we were pretty darn close to it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:42

Um, and then second, second of all, um, you know, I was I I was a Girl Scout until I was 18 and I was too old uh to be in the program and they kicked me out. And so I I thought that you must have thought I was baddie because I carry a big old first aid kit with me everywhere. So I ran to my room. Do you remember I brought the O2 sat monitor? Yes, yes, it was like, okay, your O2 sat, okay, it's it's oh it's mid-range, but it's climbing, it's going up because I wouldn't leave you until I felt like your O2 was in a good place. Yeah. Um, but it was fun. Like I think when you meet someone that you connect with, and you know, and it if you feel like you can provide any kind of you know help, and I just knew I just felt like I knew you as soon as I met you, and I knew that I 100% know that if the situation were reverse, you would have been like, oh my gosh, this person is like is like really sick and needs some help. Like, how can I help them? And so yeah, that's just what life is about, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 2:41

Yeah, and it's a great story to say this is kind of how we broke the ice in our friendship, right?

SPEAKER_00: 2:46

It's true, it's true. I'm like, nice to meet you, and then you start vomiting. Actually, we had a lot of vomit in our relationship because now that I'm pregnant and I've been having morning sickness, I've been telling you like my you know, vomit diaries.

SPEAKER_01: 3:00

So well, on the last call that you and I had, you had to run early because you needed to go throw up. So that's exactly right. I'm so sorry, Janet. Over over puking. Um, so well, thank you so much for being here and and being willing to you know share a little bit about your life and and how you've managed through uh disappointment. So I'd love for you to kind of um share, tell us a little bit about you and why this topic specifically of disappointment is something that you were open to discussing.

SPEAKER_00: 3:28

Yeah, I think um a little bit about me. Um I was born in Dallas, Texas. I was raised in the Bay Area. Um, I come from a mixed heritage. So my mom is Filipino, a little bit Chinese, and my dad is Indian. Um, you know, in my home, we were my my parents have always just been so um nurturing and loving and just always so, so, so, so, so supportive of us and you know, our goals and things that we wanted to do. You know, I remember my dad always said, you know, Nisha, no matter what college that you go to, wherever you get in, um, we will find a way to pay for it. You know, I just I want you to just have whatever life that is meant for you. Um, and I always had like, I was always sort of like a jill of all trades. Like I like doing lots of different things. And so, you know, in high school, I was um in student government, I was um the captain of our cheerleading squad, but I also volunteered a thousand hours for the American Red Cross, and I was a Girl Scout until I graduated. Um, and that's a lot to do. And, you know, my grades actually weren't the best. I wasn't a straight A student. So I wasn't one of those kids where it's like, oh, she does all those things and she also had straight A's. You know, I think I was a B student. I probably had a B average. I got A's and A's and B's and maybe a C here or there. Um and um, you know, I I felt that I wanted a well-rounded life experience. And when you do that and you put yourself out there quite a lot in life, um you don't always get what you want back. In fact, now that I mentioned the cheerleading thing, I remember, you know, I really wanted to be a cheerleader. And um, and I think it was because I grew up in Texas, right? And so that was like a big, a big part of the culture. And I was I was in baton twirling, and I was like, okay, when I'm in high school, I'm gonna join the squad. And in eighth grade, to try out for the high school squad, you have to go across the street to the high school and then you have to try out. And I didn't have the guts. Um, so I never tried out, and I wish that I did, and I remember feeling deeply like I should have put myself out there and I didn't. And then I said, okay, the next year I'm gonna do it. And so when I was in ninth grade, I tried out for the squad to be in the squad for 10th grade. And guess what? I got cut. And I remember getting cut and I was so sad because I had wanted it so bad, and I had practice and I had done all the things, and I felt like I was in a good place, and I was so heartbroken, and I was very disappointed. So disappointment starts early. You were you learn about those things as a youth, yeah, and you don't know exactly what word it is, but you're very upset. And so I think you know, it was a it was a big letdown. But from the disappointment, there comes either you decide to change paths, or paths just naturally change, or you double down and you say, This is something that I really want. And I tell you, Janelle, I said I come hell or high water, I'm joining the squad. And the next year I I I tried out and I tried out for varsity, and I made the team, and then senior year I became captain. Wow. So, and sometimes stories are like that, and other times you're just disappointed and shit hits the fan, and the shit is still on the fan, it doesn't get cleaned up, it's just there, and you have to live with the shit in the fan.

SPEAKER_01: 7:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:06

Um, that was a nice story where you know, eventually, after you know, a five year journey of cheerleading, I made my dream. But anyway, I didn't know I was going to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01: 7:18

Well, let's snow, I want to kind of stay in this little bubble that we're talking about, right? So, um, first of all, let's let's define when we say disappointment, right? We're talking about a natural response to unmet expectations or a perceived failure, right? That's kind of what we're talking about. Um, and it matters because when disappointment is left unmanaged, unaddressed, it fuels things like shame, resentment, and self-doubt. Um, but when you put the EQ hat on and can look at disappointment through an EQ lens, it can actually become a teacher. So I would say awareness is the first step of that. Um, and so now I'm gonna ask you to go back to your ninth grade self, right? And I want us to try to define the real root of that disappointment. So there's a three-layer kind of approach that I use, which is what happened, what did I expect, and what emotions were underneath all of this at the end when I was left with disappointment?

SPEAKER_00: 8:18

Yeah, I mean, I did make the squad, and I, you know, the reason, the deep reason I wanted to do that is because, you know, every young person wants to belong. They want to feel like they're part of something bigger, like a part of a group. And I, you know, was rejected from that group, and that's a lot to take as a preteen. Um, and so um, you know, what was the third part that you said?

SPEAKER_01: 8:46

Um what's what's the the primary emotion that you were left with when you didn't make the squad? Was it I'm not good enough? Was it I didn't practice hard enough?

SPEAKER_00: 8:55

Was it oh yeah, it always starts with that, right? It's yeah, it's self-doubt. You blame yourself, right? You're like, oh, like I'm just not good enough. Like I am not athletic enough, or you know, I just felt like there's something that I that I was missing. So I was looking at myself and saying, you know, looking at myself as a deficit. Um so what I realized over time is that yeah, you can work on those things. You can always be like this is an athletic thing. Um, but what I also realized that was a little bit deeper that the coach saw in me when I retried out again and I made it was it is a cheerleading squad, but we're spirit leaders at the company or at the school, the company. I've been working for 20 years. Oh, the company can translate it. Yeah, it's the same thing. Yeah. So I mean, this is what it's like in life. I and I was it was so important for me to make sure that you know, to to bring a deeper like amount of um like my my who I am as a person and be more of a a spirit leader by getting people to be um more motivational, I think, helping people, helping people, helping others. It wasn't just about cheering for football and basketball. I mean, we cheered for every single sport. We showed up for our team, um, for all of the teams. I remember we would go to swim meets and we would hold numbers at the bottom of the pool. So, like we would do I was a swimmer, yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_01: 10:31

Yes, I showed up that stupid 1500 swim that I hated having to do.

SPEAKER_00: 10:36

I was the person that was like, You're almost done. Here's the lap number. Like, I, you know, I would we pulled up lap signs and we give you towels and we'd go to tennis matches. And I think it's about bringing people together and know letting them know that like we all care about you, and we want everybody in this school to be represented equally. And I think when people saw that I brought something different to the table, that I knew how to bring people together in a different way. Plus, I maybe I wasn't like the best dancer. I was a good dancer, but I wasn't the best. Um, they were like, she can bring something else that nobody else brings to the team. And so I think from that disappointment and saying this coming from a place of deficit, I then took a had an opportunity to take a step back and said, what is this really about? What am I good at? Leaning into what I'm good at and say, okay, well, you know, from that.

SPEAKER_01: 11:30

Would you say that your home environment and your parents' uh love and support was a massive or or a big part of your ability to sit with the disappointment and determine, I'm gonna go back. I'm this is what I want to do. I can be good at this, I'm gonna try this again.

SPEAKER_00: 11:50

I think it definitely had something to do with it. I mean, my dad and my mom always said, you can do anything that you want that you set your mind to. And um, and they supported, they supported all of it. I mean, granted, when I joined the cheerleading squad, my mom added an inch to my skirt. She goes, We we've uh we got fitted. And she was like, Yeah, you're gonna have to add an inch to that. And I was like, mom, everyone's a shorter. And she said, That sounds like my daughter, you're not walking, you're not walking out there with this, like so. I had a little bit of a longer skirt, which is a cute story.

SPEAKER_01: 12:22

I love that. So let's let's take it, let's fast forward, right? Because you have this beautiful example as a teenager, and I think your resilience is probably inherent from the environment you were raised in. You had a steady parental persona um that that really I think helped develop that. But so let now let's fast forward to your professional life. So um you let tell us a little bit about the professional life and then maybe share what was a major disappointment that you've had to face in your professional life and how you worked through that.

SPEAKER_00: 12:53

Sure. Yeah. I mean, you know, when you asked me to speak about disappointments, I was like, well, I got a long list, like small professional. Like, let's see what story comes comes first to mind as I'm talking about it. But yeah, my career, I mean, I started out doing consulting. I wanted to do what everybody was like the right job, like you're supposed to get when you graduate from college. Um, I actually wanted to work um at Google. So I went to college in Chicago and um I worked at IBM for two years while I was in college. So I was an intern there. And I got a job offer at IBM to do sales, but I didn't want to do sales because sales wasn't cool. Like that wasn't the cool job. The cool job was um, you know, working at Google or traveling around as a fancy consultant and traveling for four days out of the week and then, you know, coming home and just like I thought that was cool. And so I turned down the IBM job. And so this goes into the disappointment story a little bit. Um, and so I turned down the IBM job and I was like, okay, I'm gonna go for this Google job. So they had um I had applied while I was a senior in college, um, and they you flew me to the campus and to go through the whole interview process. And I met a lot of people that were candidates, and it was like a full like full day thing. I think it was maybe two days. Um, it was a big deal. They like put us up in a hotel and they gave us all the swag.

SPEAKER_01: 14:19

And I mean what was the job title that you were interviewing for?

SPEAKER_00: 14:22

Well, this is that's I'm so glad that you asked. So it was for pe people management or sorry, sorry, not people management, people, uh the people team. So HR. Okay. Which, you know, that is not where my career went. So I spent, you know, just taking a step back, I spent, you know, 10, 15 years in marketing and now I sit in customer success. Um, so I've always kind of been on the go-to-market side. I've worked at big companies, IBM, Microsoft, Salesforce, Facebook. I've also worked at, you know, tiny startups um that failed and that also turned into something really great. Uh, and now I work at Gong. I've been at Gong for four years. Um, so that's my quick background of who I am. But going back to this disappointment is you know, I go through this whole thing and I said, I'm gonna work at Google because I wanna, you know, I grew up in the Bay Area. My parents live in in San Jose. They live, you know, I went to Cupertino schools. I just assumed I would work at Apple or Google or something like that. And, you know, Google was hot at that time. And 2007, it's like the company. Like, yeah, yeah. Even get an interview, that was awesome. And I was so proud that I was able to get an interview. Anyway, you know, you know how the story's gonna end. I didn't get the job. And I was I was devastated. I was like, oh my God, I didn't get this job. And and then actually I didn't even get like a the cool consulting job either, because I I got a consulting job, but it wasn't, you know, a Accenture Bane where I got to fly out every week and then come back. Like it was um, it was a boutique consulting firm in Santa Clara, and I worked for Cisco essentially, um, and I worked in their sales operations team, and so I learned a lot about RevOps and sales ops at that time um from the lens of Cisco. But anyway, I was disappointed because I really wanted I wanted to fit in. This is like, you know, cheerleader Nisha was like, oh, this is like the cool thing to do, and like I really want to be at Google and but you know what, Janelle, I would have been so bad at HR. Dude, I would have been horrible at HR. Why do you say that? I just don't think I, you know, HR is it HR has to tow a lot of lines. Yeah, they've got to they represent the company, they're also try their best to represent the employee. You know, I've seen at different companies, it at most at most companies, uh not at Gong, but at most companies, they really just represent the company, they don't really care about you. Yeah, and you know, I'm the type of person that likes to take really big and hard stances on stuff. And if I saw something that wasn't going well and I saw an injustice happening and the employer was doing it, I'd want to be like, dude, this is wrong. Like, I'd want to quit my job. Like, I wouldn't be fetted. I don't know how to be diplomatic and toe that line. I'm not that person, I'm just too vocal.

SPEAKER_01: 17:12

So let's go back to the to the moment you find out you didn't get the job, right? Like you said, you're devastated. So I want to just sit in that emotion for a second because devastated is a really good word. I talk a lot about the first step to emotional intelligence is being able to identify what you're feeling, to name the emotion you're feeling, because that helps us then understand the bigger picture. So um, so let's I'm not to fixate, but let's we're talking in a in a in a moment of devastation, right? Um creating a growth mindset through failures, through setbacks, through disappointment, would you say that your previous life experiences with disappointment helped you accept and move forward faster, better than you anticipated? Or did you have to work through some depression, some anxiety, some insecurities? Like walk us through those emotions.

SPEAKER_00: 18:09

Oh, always. I mean, anytime you deal with any setback, any any disappointment, big or small. Um, you know, what I always say is, and now, especially now that I'm 39 and turning 40 this year, I look back and I say, you know what? You've been through, you've been through hard stuff. Like, this isn't a hard, I mean, you it's just not getting the job. Like, that's not a hard thing. She really, that's not a hard. Like I've now having lived like personal things, and I'm happy to share some of those on this podcast, um, to share what those are. But it's like, dude, this doesn't really matter. Like, it sucks, you're gonna get through it. Um, this is a setback, but you know, they always say, um, you know, when God closes a door, he opens a window, or you know, sometimes it's two steps back and one step forward.

SPEAKER_01: 18:56

Um, but it you would kind of like because I because I um I actually kind of did the same thing. I flew back to Washington at one point after moving to Colorado to be an account, uh, an executive assistant for a massive nonprofit in Washington that I had like been a huge fan of. So I was like, this is my job. I'm gonna own it. I can't wait for the yes. And I even got on the plane to go home. And the HR person left a voicemail for me to call her right away. And I was like, yeah, this is fine, and it wasn't mine, right? And I had, I had, I'm a very visual person. So I visualized this is where I'm gonna live and this is how I'm gonna go to work, and this is gonna be my new life because I saw the offices, like I had this whole picture of what that looked like. And I think, especially for people who are visual like me, when it's a no, I now have to disassociate myself from what I pictured and what I created in my mind. And letting go of that was really hard for me because I was I was in it, it was mine, right? And so, you know, I think really I want to shift the conversation now to this muscle that you've created. You've been building a muscle of not just resilience, but I I think it's safe to say that when you go through these emotions of devastation, of disappointment, of um, of failure, you feel shameful, maybe depending on what the disappointment is. Um getting to the place to feel it, right? Negative emotions have a physical impact on your body. It's energy that your body holds that doesn't feel great, right? And and sometimes, which I think this is crazy to say, but it's true, we like the way that feels. Yep. Right? Sometimes feeling depressed and angry and sad, why does that feel good? When I look at it, I look backwards at it, I'm like, what is my problem? That wasn't a great way to spend my time, but we do it, right? So do you find yourself that you had to kind of sit through those emotions and live in those before you could take a step forward?

SPEAKER_00: 20:59

Yeah, I mean, I for sure. I mean, that's a little bit of a leading question, but I think it's leading for a reason, right? Is I think there's a difference between, you know, building up a muscle and having a chip on your shoulder. When you've got a chip on your shoulder, you're burying stuff deep down, you know, down deep, and there's resentment, and you're not taking there's no introspection, you're not sitting sitting with it, working through it, addressing it, um, and you're kind of shirking it off, and it kind of comes off. Uh, it'll come across in a you know, your your desk again in a probably in a not so great way throughout your life. Um, building a muscle means that you you've taken the time to address it and work through it and say, hey, like this didn't work out. This is probably why that it didn't. Things haven't worked in the past. You know, Janelle, I told you this earlier, but someone once told me that you know, everything works out in the end. And if it's not working out, it's not the end. And so anchoring on Those things and just thinking looking back at your life and and thinking about all the other times that you've been disappointed, but somehow it ended up working out. Oh, like this horrible thing happened, but now I'm in a better place. Like, you know, the the personal thing that I that I think was probably the biggest, most heartbreaking disappointment that I had in my life was, you know, I was in a relationship for five years and I thought, you know, me and this guy were gonna get married. And actually I broke up with him. And then six months later I realized, oh my God, I made a mistake. By the time I went back, he was gone. And he ended up, you know, getting married, having kids with this other person. I mean, this is devastating, right? To someone, a young person. Yeah. I was in my early 30s and I was like, holy crap, like my whole life is now turned upside down. But now, you know, as you heard at the beginning of this show, I mean, I met the love of my life. I'm pregnant, like I'm having my first child. Like I live, you know, if everything that I ever wanted in somebody in a home and a like just a like I met my dream guy. And I didn't realize that at that time, and I had to work through it. I mean, I spent a year, I mean, I was deeply sad. I was devastated. I I mean, I lost so much weight because I couldn't even eat anything. I mean, I remember my girlfriend called me and she said, Nisha, please just eat a scoop of peanut butter. You need food in your body, and I just said, I can't eat anything, you know. I mean, I looked, I I I don't know. I mean, I I probably looked skinny and probably the best I've ever looked in my whole life, and no one ever saw me because I was depressed and I just stayed in my house and cried and sang karaoke alone.

SPEAKER_01: 23:44

I well, I mean, I I empathize with that. Um, I I was married uh in my early 30s, and you know, six months after we'd been together for two and a half years, six months after we got married. Um my grandfather went into the hospital on a Saturday. Um, he was a diabetic and there were complications. Um, so we were in, I was in Washington and my mom was in Port, uh they were in Portland. And so my mom and I were supposed to go Monday morning to drive down to Portland to be with him. And over the weekend I'd seen a doctor because I'd been sick for forever and they they called me Sunday night and they're like, Your blood sugar levels are through the roof. We think you're diabetic, you need to come in. So I called my mom and I was like, mom, I I gotta go in and see the doctor tomorrow, so I'm not gonna be there, but you know, I'll drive down when I'm done. So I go into the doctor's appointment, they diagnosed me as a diabetic, late stage diabetic. Um, and I cried because my great-grandmother was a diabetic. I watched my grandpa go through it, like I knew what it meant. Yeah, and I walked out of that appointment to a phone call from my grandmother saying, You don't need to come because he's passed.

SPEAKER_00: 24:50

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01: 24:52

Uh and three days later, this individual cleaned out all of our bank accounts and left. My husband.

SPEAKER_00: 24:59

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01: 25:00

And I remember being in bed for weeks, and my mom finally came over. I remember it vividly. She finally came over one day and she's like, This we're done. You are not going to let this individual ruin the rest of your life because you chose the wrong person, right? I don't even know that I would say that now because the lessons that I learned through that relationship and and of myself in those moments are really profound. And so I want to shift now into the positive side of this conversation, which is, you know, Nisha, if there's someone listening to this call that you're like, you don't even know half of my life, it's all disappointment. I've never had anybody like there are a lot of people out there that kind of are stuck in this mentality of everywhere I turn, it's disappointment, right? How do I become positive about life? How do I put myself out there when I get rejected over and over? There are a lot of job seekers right now that have gone through hundreds of interviews and continually get no. So, from that perspective, I want to shift our focus into how do you now give positive and encouraging advice to someone who just feels bombarded by disappointment and failure and feeling alone and isolated.

SPEAKER_00: 26:19

Disappointment is the opposite of something, which is getting what you want and feeling fulfilled and being elated. The only reason that you even that word exists is because at some point in your life you were you were experienced, you yourself have experienced joy, happiness, not disappointment. Exactly the opposite of disappointment. And people are comfortable there, they're happier there, they want to go back to that place. And so what I say is that anchor on the fact that you have had those moments in your life and it will come back. Also, disappointment will come back, and you'll have to learn how to deal with that. But life is, you know, my mom always said life is a wheel. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but it's always moving. And so I think for me, you know, when I'm in a place where in a and you know, I know this conversation isn't about being afraid or scared, but when I am in a place where I'm like, I I remember especially when I was younger and I would do big things, like I wanted to be bold. And I remember I, you know, I was in high school and I um I took two weeks off of uh school and I did outward bound and I climbed up the continental divide, and my toilet was a shovel, and I did a big backpacking trip. It was huge. Um, and I remember being so uncomfortable and so scared. I mean, I was rock climbing in the Rockies, like that's a lot for someone so young. And I just remember being like, okay, this is a very extreme crazy thing. Like I could literally fall and die in this moment. Like I knew that. But I also knew the opposite of that was comfort and was being, and I thought, what is the most comfortable place in your whole life? And it was in, I remember in my parents' house in my bedroom, like on my exact bed, that exact place. And I and I remember closing my eyes and thinking, at some point, sometime, really soon, you're gonna be back in that bed in that comfortable position. So just anchor on that and remember that. Go through this because you're gonna get there. I promise. You know, and so I I would say that for somebody that's dealt with disappointment and is dealing with it now is you've also dealt with the other side and just know that it's that it's there. And it it and look, like, you know, Janelle, like it took you years to get over what happened to you. I mean, that's a lot in such a short period of time. Um, you know, same with me. Like, I I really I want I moved back in with my parents. I moved out of that day that I found out that he was seeing someone else, and I was so shocked. And I literally packed up my entire apartment that day in San Francisco. I told my landlord I had to move out, and I moved back with my parents. I lived with my parents for a year and a half. Like I just was so devastated. And but from that, like I realized that I was living slowly, slowly, you realize holy crap, like I was living in a box. Like this, my life would have looked in a certain way, but I wanted more for myself. I didn't, I forgot how ambitious I was because I was so like routine and comfortable with this person. And I was like, wait, I like fashion. I like going out into like, you know, meeting people. I like, um, you know, I was doing so much work with the Red Cross before I wasn't doing anything anymore. Like, I, you know, and now you my husband and I, we both sit on the American Red Cross board together for Silicon Valley, and he's our president, and I run our women's group. Um, and it's awesome, like that I'm now doing these things, but I and I would never, you know what? I'm so glad. I'm so glad that that this guy broke my heart, you know, and I broke his heart too, right? It wasn't, you heard the story, it wasn't like, you know, it I was like this innocent little flower in this whole thing. I was like, no, you know, I think I bel I knew that about myself and I broke up with him first, but then I got scared and I got nervous and I wanted to go back to the comfort. So anyway, you know, the moral of all of this is that you're gonna go through disappointment, but then you're also gonna go through times of elation and you're gonna go back to disappointment, and it's just always a cycle. And the more that you can accept that, I think the more that you'll be ready to roll with it when it comes.

SPEAKER_01: 30:44

I'm gonna dig into because you have a really amazing uh closing, which I wanna I want to get to, but I want to kind of go through a couple things. One, that we're talking about emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, emotional regulation. And in the face of disappointment, um, disappointment often sparks defensiveness or shutdown, right? We isolate, we remove, we allow mental um language, conversations in our head, imposter syndrome, try to convince us that we're all these things that are not true, right? So I just want to talk through a couple physical strategies that I use, that I teach for others. Um, one is um breathing. I think managing and controlling your breathing is an underestimated tool that I wish people would embrace more because our brains and our thoughts spark the chemicals that trigger our nervous system. The nervous system produces chemicals that are our emotions and our feelings, and all of those affect the way that our our breathing impacts our bodies and the mind-body connection. You know, that's another, that's another thing, and I talk about that a lot. But breathing is going to impact so many different elements of your body, including your brain and your thoughts. So if you're someone who is sitting in disappointment or you're overwhelmed by disappointment, the first thing that the first the first piece of advice I'm always going to give you is how's your breathing? Can you take 30 seconds to a minute to do a box breathe for in, for hold, for out, um, do the butterfly hug. We've talked about the butterfly hug, right? So managing your breathing. Um, I also think, you know, getting things out of your head is really helpful because then you can look at it and go, oh, that's what I'm feeling, right? So I talk about journaling, but journaling is really writing to write down your experience and what you're feeling and the thoughts that you're having allow you to take a step back and look at it and go, oh, that's how I'm feeling. That's what I'm thinking. We got to get it out of our head. And then the third one, and I've already said this, is to name your emotions. And in order for you to be emotionally intelligent and mature in relationships, you have to first be able to be emotionally mature for yourself and understand this is what I'm feeling and this is why I'm feeling it. It's not enough to just say, I'm sad, I didn't get the job. Okay. We got to get deeper than that. And and a a um a tool that I use a lot for myself is the emotions will, the feelings will. I even use it still because it's not easy to always get to the root cause of the emotions that we're feeling. And that's a huge part of growing and maturing uh for yourself and then in other relationships. And so those are things like to just say that disappointment is a signal of how you're feeling. It's not your identity. You not getting a job, you breaking up with someone that you love, you um failing at something and and being disappointed with yourself or whatever. It's it's a it's a bubble, it's a phase of life that is not forever. Um, and so a couple things, right? Failure isn't final, it's formative. Um I want you to incur uh to think about setting micro goals because again, if you're feeling like you're a disappointment and you set micro goals and you hit them, you're training your brain to remember that you are capable, that you can do things, that you are successful. Um and I want to give this a quote. It's uh by Summer Redstone. And um Sumner says, success is not built on success. Success is built on failure, frustration, and even catastrophe. And so when I asked you, Nisha, before we started this uh recording, I said, Well, what's some a practical takeaway or advice? If there's a listener on the call going, I'm living in disappointment, I don't even know where to start, what practical advice could you give? And most guests that I bring onto this podcast, Nisha, have a tangible takeaway. Here's what you would try, or here's what I did, or here's a book to read, or here's a right. And your answer I absolutely love. So, Nisha, if there's a listener looking for advice because they're in the middle of disappointment, what advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_00: 34:58

Sometimes you shouldn't do anything. You know, I think we live in a world where we're always trying to fix things, we're always trying to do something. Output, output, output, execute, execute, execute. The universe has responded to you and has said, this is not your path. You are disappointed because the universe said, This is not what's supposed to happen. There are things that are bigger than us, forces, energy that is bigger than us, and sometimes you just have to sit quietly, stop doing, and the universe is giving you your answer. You are getting the inputs back from all the outputs that you've done. It has nothing to do with you or what you've done. It has everything to do with what the universe has decided that your story is going to be. Remember everything always works out in the end. And if it's not working out, it's not the end.

SPEAKER_01: 35:58

I'm gonna write that down because I absolutely love that quote. Um, and I also want to say it's such a profound thing because I am very much output, output, output. I don't have a lot of downtime in my day. And I'm very, if I don't have something to do and I'm bored, I'm not good when I'm bored, right? Um, but I also think too that disappointment can challenge our self-worth. And I want to be very clear no one determines your self-worth but you. If you're disappointed of things that are out of your control, has nothing to do with your self-worth. If you're disappointed with yourself, like I'm not working out like I said, I struggle with emotional eating. I'm I'm doing way better, but it's a challenge for me. And I have a day where I'm so disappointed in myself for the choices that I made. And the old Janelle would have been depressed for a week and been like, well, then I'm just gonna sit in this and eat all the wrong stuff for a week, right? And really feel that. And and today I take one day at a time. I celebrate my wins and I chalk up disappointments to learning lessons and I'm trying to put parameters and things in place so I don't do it again. Um, so I love that advice, Nisha. And I'm so grateful for voices like you who can talk openly and transparently about what you've gone through and what you're feeling. Um and so before we wrap today, um if someone wants to connect with you and know more about how to get in touch with you, um, how can they do that?

SPEAKER_00: 37:26

Sure, LinkedIn, or you can um yeah, send me a message, add me as a friend. Um, you can also email me. Um, you can email my personal email, um, backseat.nesha at gmail.com, totally fine. Um, yeah, I think you know, disappointment is like a very real thing. It makes you human. Um you know, you you feel in a in a in a horrible way, you feel alive. Um, and so just remember you you can always you'll always come out on the other side because life is a wheel. That's right.

SPEAKER_01: 37:55

And as long as you're breathing, you're resilient. Totally.

SPEAKER_00: 37:59

I I need to remind people that as long as you're still breathing air. I I will say something that you said is that I I you know, and I know we're closing up here, but is that you know, we're Americans, we live in the United States. The culture is to keep moving, it is the culture to say, I'm so busy, I have so many things. Oh my god, I have a million things on my plate, and and actually have a million things on your plate. And nobody would ever look at the Dalai Lama or a monk and say, This guy is so ineffective, he's so inefficient, all he does is sit all day and just quietly meditate. I mean, these are the wisest of wise humans on this planet because they are listening to the universe and they are understanding deeper things that are way deeper than the most profound things we could even think of on a day-to-day. And so I think if you can just take a little bit, and this is to to your yes, breathe and and quietly and just let you know, sit in a chair at the end of the day, let the day pass you by, watch your day, meditate in the and in that let things come in and out of your brain, it's completely fine. And just let the universe talk to you. Stop trying to control everything. You're just not in control, it's just not, you're just not sometimes it's gonna work and sometimes it's not.

SPEAKER_01: 39:20

Yeah, so I love um, I love I'm a movie, I love movies, and I remember Jurassic Park, you know, when when Ellie is in the cafeteria with John, and he's like, when we have control, and she goes, You never had control, that's the illusion. I love that line. Um, Nisha, this has been an amazing conversation. Thank you so much for sharing and be open. Um, and I can't wait to have you again. So thanks again for being here.

SPEAKER_00: 39:45

Thanks, Janelle. Thanks for thinking of me.

SPEAKER_01: 39:47

Yeah, of course. And as we wrap today's episode, as always, I'm gonna encourage you to be inspired to feel deeply, even if those feelings are feelings of disappointment, to live fearlessly, to not allow your disappointment, your insecurity, uh, your frustration or your anger to keep you from moving forward and to be authentic with yourself and with others. That if you are in a time of disappointment and sadness, to sit in it for a moment, to be real and authentic with yourself, but don't allow that to keep you moving forward. I want you to keep leaning into your feelings because that's where transformation starts. It's from within. We will see you guys next Friday.