The Guilt Trap: Redefining Self-Care for Women

Breaking Free from Guilt: Prioritizing Yourself Without Shame

In this episode of the Muscles and Mindset Revolution podcast, host Anne Jones addresses the pervasive issue of guilt that many women experience when prioritizing themselves. Designed for busy, ambitious women seeking lasting results, this episode explores why guilt is so ingrained, particularly among women, and offers strategies to move past it. Anne dives into the roles of unmet expectations, deeply rooted beliefs, and the over-responsibility trap, and emphasizes the importance of self-care.

Listeners will learn to recognize and challenge guilt, normalize duality, practice radical acceptance, and reframe their thoughts to build a stronger, more confident self. Tune in to transform the way you approach self-care and break free from guilt.

01:02 Breaking Free from Guilt
02:53 Understanding the Roots of Guilt
05:54 Reframing Guilt and Prioritizing Yourself
12:18 Shifting the Guilt Cycle
16:05 Owning Your Power and Embracing Discomfort

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Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

Welcome to the muscles and mindset revolution podcast, the podcast for busy ambitious women who are tired of chasing quick fixes and are ready to finally achieve real lasting results, stronger bodies, sustainable habits, and longterm weight loss. I'm your host and Jones certified life coach and fitness professional for over 15 years here to help you break free from inconsistency, overwhelm and burnout, build strength, feel confident AF and lose weight without obsessing or stressing over weight loss. No BS, just simple, sustainable strategies. Welcome. If you are new to the podcast, welcome. Thank you so much. And if you're returning, thank you so much for being back here. Okay, you guys, today, the day this podcast is coming out, it is family day here in British Columbia. And so I hope you are Spending the day with your family if you want to and not spending the day with your family if that's what you want. Because today we are talking all about breaking free from guilt. So if you have ever felt guilty for putting yourself first, for taking time away from your family, your work, your responsibilities, to do something for you, this episode is for you. Because let's be real, guilt, it has been showing up everywhere for years in my clients, in my DMs, even in my own life, I see it in my friends and my family members. So today we're unpacking why we feel this way as women in particular, and more importantly, how we can move past it. So why is it that we feel so much guilt? I almost feel like guilt is wired into us as women, and I don't love using the word wired, because it makes it sound permanent, but let's just say it's deeply ingrained, okay? And I see this all the time, both in the women who I coach and in my own life. The guilt trip is real, it's very real. It's a huge barrier, honestly. But the more awareness that we bring to it, the more we can break free from it. And this is something that I noticed when I first started working in the fitness industry in 2009. I was young, I was mostly coaching women who were having their first babies or were almost in midlife, had older kids who were in school. Women who had spent their whole lives taking care of everyone else, either in their careers, their partners. Their kids, their parents, their teams at work. And when it came to investing in themselves, whether that was with money, time or energy, guilt hit hard. So why is it that guilt hits so hard? It usually comes down to a few things. Number one, unmet expectations. We thought having this thing would make us feel a certain way. And when it doesn't, we feel like we've failed. And then we feel guilty that we failed. Number two, deeply rooted beliefs. Many of us grew up with the idea that we need to be grateful 24\7. Many of us didn't, but it's like, there are kids starving in Africa," like this kind of thing. I don't actually think that's true appreciation and gratitude. That's guilt and comparison, in my opinion. But anyways, many of us grew up with that, right? And that having any negative feelings means we're ungrateful. we just put a smile on and move past it. Some of us grew up. With that, like gratitude always. And we'll talk more about that in a moment. The third reason that guilt hits so hard is the caretaking trap. I used to call this the caretaking trap. I really have been into the term over responsibility recently. I'm almost thinking this is now the over-responsibility trap. I think that women have been socialized to take over-responsibility for pretty much everything.

Speaker 4: 4:08

And this can show up in a few ways; learned caretaking, like it was modeled for you, that you put everyone else before yourself, or in many situations, responsibility that was inappropriate for your age. So having to take on responsibility for the home, siblings or parents when there wasn't a safe adult to do so, that will also create over-responsibility and then later in life, it can come in. in control, so you begin to believe that, Oh, if I don't do it, no one's going to do it. Right? This is a popular mom meme right now. everyone's telling me to do less, but who's going to do it? And we can maybe address that on another day, because I don't buy into that. I get it, but I don't buy into that narrative because I think it's an over responsibility trap.

Speaker: 5:00

Maybe you have some perfectionist tendencies and you Engage in doing and over-responsibility because you like it done a certain way. That's a recipe for burnout for one thing. And prioritizing yourself, taking care of you before all of that other stuff is gonna feel wrong.

Speaker 4: 5:21

And then the other way that this can show up is, Growing up in a home or a situation where you're walking on eggshells and you are feeling overly responsible for the actions and feelings of others, then you're going to grow into an adult who is walking on eggshells, acting in a way, not for your highest good, but making sure that there is peace, no explosions and everyone else is okay.

Speaker: 5:46

And if we've spent our whole lives making sure everyone else is okay, taking care of ourselves will feel wrong. For sure. So here's the reframe.: That feeling of guilt when it comes up. It's not a sign necessarily that you're doing something wrong. we all feel guilt about certain things. it can be our guiding moral compass, right? You left the gate open and the dog got out and ran away. Yeah, you're gonna feel guilty about that, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person. And when we start to engage in I'm bad, then that's shame. That's the difference between shame and guilt. So guilt is not always a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's a sign that you have a moral compass, but it can also be a sign that you've been conditioned to believe that prioritizing yourself is selfish. And that is the belief that I am here to challenge today. Let's first talk about the,"I should be grateful" guilt trap. You prayed for this partner. You worked your ass off for this job. You wanted these babies more than anything. And now, you're overwhelmed. You're drained. You're stressed. You're struggling. You're tired. And then comes the layer of guilt. The one that says, I don't have a right to feel this way. I asked for this. Does this sound familiar? Here's the truth. Desiring something and struggling once you have it are not mutually exclusive. You can love your job and still feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I call for my clients. I call overwhelmed too many blessings at once, right? I can feel that. I love my business. I love my career. And sometimes it's overwhelming. It feels like too many blessings at once. I have, family commitments and my husband and my friends. These things are wonderful. It's just too many blessings at once. It still feels like overwhelm. It still feels the same. You can adore your kids and still need a break because you're a human with a capacity. You can be in the relationship of your dreams that you manifested and still be frustrated as hell with how it's going or with them. It doesn't mean anything about you or them. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. You can be grateful and still frustrated. Here are some phrases that just show how guilt shows up in our lives. some phrases I hear. I used to hear frequently from women. I feel guilty spending money on XYZ when my family needs XYZ or wants XYZ. Usually kids' sports. I feel guilty taking time to work out because that's time I should be spending with my kids. Can even be I want to be spending with my kids. It's fine. You can want two things. I feel guilty saying no. For whatever, doing a favour, saying no to plans because I just need a night to myself. And the other reason that I say that these are phrases that I used to hear all the time is because I almost never hear these phrases in my clients, in my circle, because they've rewired their brains. They don't speak this way. They don't think this way and they don't speak this way about themselves and, and neither do I, to be quite honest. Still super common. So no shame. If you're still thinking or saying these things, I used to too. And here's the other thing. I will hear this from new clients, right? Because guilt can show up when you start making yourself a priority. It could also be uncomfortable for people in your life when you start prioritizing yourself. It might be inconvenient for them. And the tricky thing is, it will feel Like, the guilt is coming from outside of you. Like, the world is telling you that you should feel bad for doing those things, for taking the time to work out, investing in yourself, saying no to rest. Those voices are from outside. And when you hear them long enough, they start to feel like they're coming from inside, but they're not coming from inside your body, they're just coming from inside your head. In reality, you're guilt tripping yourself. You're guilt tripping yourself. So why does guilt hit so hard when we do this? When we start to put ourselves first at the core of it, all guilt is tied to the belief that in order to be safe, to be loved, to belong, I have to put other people's needs before my own. And we learn that in so many ways, right? We've been taught to be a good mom, you have to be selfless to be a good partner. You have to make sure they're happy first. What, is it okay with them? Are they okay? Enter codependency, right? To be a good friend, you have to say yes and help, even when you don't want to, or have the capacity to, or both. And when we break those rules that we've learned, by choosing ourselves, by making our needs a priority, we will feel guilty, because it's a pattern interrupt. It goes against everything that we've been taught. So that guilt, it doesn't mean you're a bad person or it's a no go. It's just a sensation that's like, Oh, this feels different. This is uncomfortable. It goes against everything that you've been taught and been practicing. But here's the truth is your needs are just as important as anyone else's. Here's the universal truth I teach to my clients: that you are valuable and worthy just as you are. I've never encountered a reason to believe that that's not true, so I will continue to believe and teach that you are valuable and worthy just as you are. You don't have to change and your needs are just as important as anyone else's. Prioritizing yourself doesn't mean that you say or think that you're better than everyone else or anyone else. It means you believe you are as valuable and worthy as anyone else. Making yourself a priority doesn't take away from your ability to show up for the people that you love It actually allows you to show up better it is An investment, a compounding interest in you. It's putting all bets on you, believing yourself and imagine what you do and how you act when that faith grows. And I'm just talking about like taking time for yourself, sleeping, saying no, that's all I'm talking about. Simple, simple things is showing yourself that you believe in yourself. So how do we do it? How do we start shifting out of guilt? Well, number one is to notice and recognize the belief. So the next time you feel guilty, pause and ask yourself, What do I feel guilty about? And what am I making it mean? Are you telling yourself that taking time for you makes you a bad mom? A bad partner? A bad friend? That you're not worth it? Number two, challenge it. Is that actually true or is it just a belief that was handed down to you? And then lastly, reframe it. So instead of saying, I can't, I feel guilty for taking time to work out, try like, when I take care of myself, I have twice as much energy and patience for my family. See, I told you compounding interest, it gets bigger and bigger because that's the reality. When you prioritize yourself, it's not just about you. You don't just benefit, you become a better version of yourself with an increased capacity and resilience for the people around you. So we've shifted out of guilt. Let's break the cycle. How do we start shifting this guilt cycle? Number one, normalize duality. Like I spoke about earlier, you can love something and be overwhelmed by it at the same time. Both things can be true. Number two, practice radical acceptance instead of fighting how you feel. Acknowledge it. Wow. This is harder than I thought or like, I'm just, I'm learning. I'm learning to be gentle with myself. I'm new at this. No judgment, just awareness. And lastly, give yourself permission. Give yourself permission. You don't need it from me, you can have it, but you don't need it from me. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to have a capacity. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to take care of yourself. Practice that. Give yourself permission. So if you have been feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself, I want you to know you are not alone.

Speaker 2: 14:27

So why is it that we default to seeking permission? We live in a world that has conditioned women, especially to seek validation before making decisions, whether that's from a partner, a boss, or even society at large. We've been subtly trained to second guess ourselves and to outsource our permission to others who have no experience of what it's like to be in our bodies. And that is why it feels so uncomfortable when you start making choices for you. If you've been conditioned by your parents, Just society at large, your family of origin that you need to ask permission, receive validation, or do or act some specific way before being okay receiving permission. It's going to feel so uncomfortable when you start making choices just for you. Women come to me frequently saying I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even know what I like anymore because they've spent so many years receiving validation and acting from outside of themselves. And so it's going to feel uncomfortable when you start making choices just for you, not because you're doing something wrong because you're doing something different. For example, think about the first time you set a boundary with someone. And they reacted negatively. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with your boundary. It means they were used to a different version of you and that old version perhaps didn't put herself first. So that's what I mean. It's going to be confronting and uncomfortable for other people as well. And you have to be okay with that. Let's talk about what happens when you start owning your power. The guilt, the fear, the discomfort, it will all show up like an emotional security system. Not here to torture you, but trying to pull you back into what feels safe. Even if what feels safe is not working for you. Having no boundaries, overworking, overdoing, all the hustling behaviors, overeating, whatever. Because that guilt coming up again is not proof that you're doing something wrong. It's proof that you're doing something differently. Every time you reach, I think of life as a video game, right? Every time you reach a new level of empowerment, there will be a new boss. A new old belief trying to keep you grounded. Keep you grounded. you'll keep having to do that battle until you learn the lesson. That old belief will try to keep you grounded like that boss. Not because the old belief is true, but because it is familiar. So what if instead of seeing that feeling of guilt as a stop sign, you saw it as a confirmation, a signal that you're actually on the right track. Okay, here's a mindset shift that changes everything. Instead of asking, can I do that? Do I have permission to do that? Ask, what would the highest version of me? Or a woman who fully trusts herself do right now. What would a woman who fully trusts herself do right now? And you may not be able to hold that vision of the highest version of yourself or, or even what a woman who fully trusts herself looks like. But you might know somebody or aspire to be like someone who you know, and you can use them not because you are acting like they're going to act and comparing yourself, but because it can be easier to embody when you see someone else who has done it. H deep down that your health, your goals and your happiness matter just as much as anyone else's, what would change? How would you show=up differently and then show up as her? And yes, discomfort will show up too, but so will freedom. And I am all about freedom. Your job on this planet is not to avoid discomfort. It's not to make other people avoid discomfort or to teach your kids how to avoid discomfort. It is to move through it. So that next time it doesn't have the same hold on you because it will hold you down So here is my challenge for you for this week. The next time you find yourself wondering if you can I Need permission to do that whether it's skipping a workout because somebody might judge you, or you think you're gonna get fat, Holding back an opinion because you think somebody might judge you Saying yes when you mean no, I want you to refrain, pause, and ask yourself, what would I do if I just fully trusted myself right now? And then do that. The more you choose you, the easier it gets. I promise, because I've been practicing this for a long time. And trust me, the world won't crumble when you stop people pleasing. The world won't even crumble if somebody gets mad at you. I had to learn this. I can let that person have their temper tantrum and I can still be okay because it actually has nothing to do with me. It actually will open you up in ways that you never imagined. So if you have been feeling guilty for prioritizing yourself, I want you to know you're not alone,

Speaker: 19:20

And you don't have to stay stuck in this pattern. The next time guilt creeps in, I just want you to take a big breath in through your nose, out your mouth, and recognize it for what it is. Remind yourself, I'm allowed to put myself first. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to matter just as much as everyone else. And the best part is that when you give yourself permission to do that, you lead the way for the women around you to do the same. I see this all the time. Normalize it. Normalize taking care of yourself. One of the best compliments I ever received from one of my very best friends, she saw this in me and in her sister. She said We gave her permission to do things or ask for things that she hadn't even considered that she was allowed to do or ask for. That's huge to me, to show someone else that they can do or request something that they had not even considered before. That's what you do by demonstrating this for your circle, for your community, for the next generation.

Speaker 3: 20:32

If this episode resonated with you, please send me a DM on Instagram at@annejonesfit and tell me one way that you're going to start prioritizing yourself this week. I would love to hear from you and if you are ready to stop feeling guilty and start building the strength, the confidence and the balance that you deserve, join us inside muscles mindset. You can have a strong, confident body and a peaceful mind without the guilt. I promise you Thank you for tuning in to the Muscles and Mindset Revolution podcast. If you loved this episode, please share it with a friend who needs to hear this message. And don't forget to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. See you next time.